The Nurse Will Slay You Now

Despite its odd but scintillating title, Maniac Nurses Find Ecstasy (2009) is a filmed-in-Hungary erotic horror thriller released in the States by Troma where there is no thrill. For the viewer, anyway.

Two lesbian sisters surgically enhance caged supermodels in their jungle fortress in order to create a medical team of anatomically perfect (i.e., lingerie sexy) nurses. They hunt men and goon them out with machetes and other mood-killing weapons.

Lots of bras, boobs, bullets and a sprinkling of blood. If you’re into that sort of thing, which I’m thinkin’ you might be if you’re reading this blog. (You paid full retail price, yes?)

Oddly, this Maniac Nurses drags and has kill sequences so lame as to not be all that tingly. And to think the women’s underwear section of the Sears™ catalog was all it took to get me amped up. Look what watching countless horror movies have done to me. I feel so in the lobby of shame.

Bigfoot Is The Something In The Woods

Have you ever seen a Bigfoot? If so, did you offer yourself as a blood sacrifice that resulted in your death? Do you have fur growing where there was no fur before? More importantly, have you ever been to Ohio?

If you’ve answered yes to one or more of the questions, then you’re just the person to see Something In The Woods, a new Sasquatch horror movie, making its premier in Ohio on May 15th at Salt Fork Lodge & Conference Center, which hosts the biggest Bigfoot conference in the world. (Note to self: Move to Ohio.)

Something In The Woods has this to say about that: “Strange and scary things happen at small family farm. but for John Hartman there is only one thing to do – stand his ground against something that the rest of the world says doesn’t exist – until he realizes that nothing is more important than the safety of his family.”

Small Farm John is doing the right thing by protecting his fam fam. But in the trailer, John is shown brandishing a weapon as a mode of defense. When will humans learn? Bullets bounce off Bigfoot as though he was from Krypton. Best to just hand over some berries, maybe a breakfast pig and whatever cash you have on hand, and just walk away. If you value your life.