King Kong, Godzilla, Dinosaur Floaties

Been following the development of the remake of King Kong vs. Godzilla (the first ppv match-up — aka “The Gorilla in Manila” — went down in 1962.) No pun intended, but there’s a HUGE logistic the filmmakers need to deal with: King Kong was 100 feet tall in Kong: Skull Island (2017), the biggest he’s ever been. However, in 2016’s Shin Godzilla (aka, Godzilla: Resurgence), the king of monsters shook, rattled and rolled skyscrapers at 387 feet. You see where I’m going with this.

So by pitting Kong against Godzilla in 2020 (projected), they’re either going to have to make the monkey four times his current stature, or shrink Godzilla down 287 feet. As science tells us, you don’t/can’t/shouldn’t make Godzilla smaller. (In King Kong vs. Godzilla they were both about the same height: 164 feet tall, give or take a few chimneys.)

A few unsolicited options: #1: Make four Kongs and stack ’em. #2: Have Godzilla stuck halfway down some sort of quicksand pit or really deep hot tub. #3: Monkey foot-shaped platform shoes. I could keep this up all day.

Speaking of glaring discrepancies, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that’ll either make sense or they won’t…

BONEJANGLES (July 18, 2017)
“While transporting the legendary serial killer Bonejangles to an asylum, a group of police officers break down in a town cursed with demonic zombies. The only way they can survive the night and save the town is to release Bonejangles to help them fight the curse, with something much worse.”

Not to be confused with the Bonejangles from 2005’s Corpse Bride (He sang/sings at the Ball and Socket Pub.) Hard, though, to take a serial killer who names himself Bonejangles seriously. Come back to me with something like Knifey McCutter and we’ll talk.

SUSPIRIA (2017/2018)
“Susie Bannion, a young American woman, travels to the prestigious Markos Tanz Company in Berlin in 1977, arriving just as one of its members, Patricia, has disappeared under mysterious circumstances. As Susie makes extraordinary progress under the guidance of Madame Blanc, the Company’s revolutionary artistic director, she befriends another dancer, Sara, who shares her suspicions that the Matrons, and the Company itself, may be harboring a dark and menacing secret.”

Yep, YET ANOTHER remake, the first one making its same name back in 1977. It was Italian, so if you plan on watching it, plan on reading it as well. Unless you’re Italian. If so, go nuts.

MAB (2017)
“Rosie and her mother, Kris struggle to make ends meet. Their only source of income comes from the daily delivery Rosie makes to the mysterious Mab. But what are these deliveries and what impact will this have on their lives of those around them? A magical realism short that uncovers the sacrifices people make to take control of their lives and the evil that lurks in the darkness of desperation.”

A smattering of research reveals that Mab is one of the moons of Uranus and/or a fairy in Shakespeare’s play Romeo and Juliet. Or it could mean “multi-armed bandit.” (A reference to a criminal octopus, perhaps?) However you cast it, this one’s gonna be a rough sell to Mab Darogan, a figure of Welsh legend.

JURASSIC WORLD – FALLEN KINGDOM (June 22, 2018)
“With all of the wonder, adventure and thrills synonymous with one of the most popular and successful franchises in cinema history, this all-new motion-picture event sees the return of favorite characters and dinosaurs along with new breeds more awe-inspiring and terrifying than ever before.”

The first official poster for the Flintstones of the Future. So yeah, more unleashed dinosaurs. Have to say, I did like the Mosasaurus, that badass swimming pool dinosaur in Jurassic World (2015). The pool rules were simple: you cannonball in and you don’t cannonball out.

UFOs, Nightmares, Fog Monsters, Bigfoot

Watched YET ANOTHER Bigfoot documentary (I’ve pretty much seen ‘em all) and one “expert” (he’s not, I am) claims that there’s thousands of the highly marketable cryptid. Gonna have to call baloney puckey on that one. Do the math — there’s only ONE true Bigfoot. But hey, where did he come from? Wouldn’t he have had parents? What about a grandma who sends him a new sweater every Christmas? Those and many more questions will be answered when Bigfoot says so, not some dumbass “expert.” Uh, oh — I think I just called myself a dumbass. Oh well — not the first time.

Anyway, more mysterious horror/sci-fi topics being addressed in these upcoming films, of which I’m probably an expert at. Ahem.

UNACKNOWLEDGED (May 9, 2017/iTunes™)
“Unacknowledged focuses on the historic files of the Disclosure Project and how UFO secrecy has been ruthlessly enforced — and why. The best evidence for extraterrestrial contact, dating back decades, is presented with direct top-secret witness testimony, documents and UFO footage, 80% of which has never been revealed anywhere else.”

About flippin’ time. UFOs are real and everybody knows it. Getting them to admit it, on film even, is the tough part. Unacknowledged is headed up by Dr. Steven Greer, a guy who put his reputation on the line by going up against the government and petitioning them to come clean with the E.T. goods. I’d go to him for medical/conspiracy services. Heck, when you think about, he’s probably really good at proctology. Don’t make me explain this.

BACKWOOD MADNESS (2017)
“Backwood Madness is a horror fantasy movie that bustles with trolls and goblins. Situated during the second World War, it tells a story about a conflict between men and creatures of the forest. The main character is struggling with his own mysterious past that is taking events towards the inevitable collision with destiny.”

Haven’t seen a good troll since Troll Hunter (2010), so puttin’ this on my “to do” list taped to the kitchen mop (that’s on the “to-do”list as well). And with the addition of goblins, maybe Hollywood can make up for those goblins in the steaming pile of fantasy mess that was Legend (1985).

FLESH OF THE VOID (2017)
“The film was shot almost entirely on expired Super 8 film from the ’80s, and is intended as a trip through the deepest fears of human beings, exploring its subject in a highly grotesque, violent and extreme manner. It’s 80 minutes of pure Hell, playing out like a non linear, psychedelic nightmare.”

This on sounds both icky and must-see at the same time. Kinda like watching an octopus attack on a ocean-wading tourist in a loud shirt drinking a margarita. And the words “highly grotesque” and “psychedelic nightmare” go together like “octopus” and “tourist with a loud shirt and margarita.”

EL SECRETO DE MARROWBONE (October 27, 2017/Spain)
“A young man and his four younger siblings, who have kept secret the death of their beloved mother in order to remain together, are plagued by a sinister presence in the sprawling manor in which they live.”

Theorized (and probably right) spoiler: It’s their baby-sitter who never got paid for watching the brats.

THE MIST (2017/Netflix™)
“After an eerie mist rolls into a small town, the residents must battle the mysterious mist and its threats, fighting to maintain morality and sanity.”

This, of course, is the TV series version of the not-too-shabby 2007 movie of the same name, based on one of Stephen King’s better sessions at the typewriter. It’s not a spoiler to casually mention there are mutated creatures that live in the mist or “fog.” I like the idea of a TV series as it will flesh out that angle and maybe show us how the military opened another dimension and let the bed bugs in. I’ll be taking notes.

Eight-Legged Shark

A man/woman/misc. eating shark with eight legs? Why not? Why do all those smug spiders and octopi get to flaunt their figures? (And don’t get me started on centipedes, human or not.)

So where can we find this eight-legged shark and watch it over and over? You can’t. It’s a book, not a movie. While I normally don’t include books in this here bloggedty-blog, Sharkantula (by Essel Pratt) is in all likelihood going to end up being a $1,000 budgeted movie on the SyFy Channel™, because after four films with the same premise, everybody’s bored out of their cartilage with Sharknado.

Here’s how Sharkantula — a cross between a shark and a tarantula — swims up yer alimentary canal…

“When a genetically modified tarantula finds itself loose in the Great White shark exhibit at Shark World, the feisty arachnid sinks its fangs into the main attraction. Without warning, the Great White mutates into Sharkantula and the opening day show turns deadly.  The mutated shark/tarantula hybrid is hungry and ready to feast upon the flesh of those that don’t run away fast enough to escape its webbing.”

“Desperate to stop the carnage, a group of Shark World employees join forces with the tarantula’s keeper in an effort to stop the devastation before Sharkantula can escape the confines of the aquatic theme park and spread its terror.”

Okay, so not a whole lot of thought went into this. And yet, I need Sharkantula to be a movie. Today, if possible. Until that moment arrives (I have my eyes on the clock), you can get the book — for free in Kindle™ form if you’re as impatient as me — by clicking HERE and purchasing (for $3.99) on Amazon.com.

P.S. The character concept of Sharkantula was first imagineered by Kdogprime back in February of 2015 as a role playing card monster. Time to get an attorney, Kdog.

Vampires and Octopuses

A smattering of new horror movies to fulfill your innermost dreams and desires. Note: Smattering means “a small amount of something.” Use this knowledge wisely.

12 DEADLY DAYS (December 12, 2016)
“YouTube™ and Blumhouse Television™ are partnering on a new half hour horror-comedy series called 12 Deadly Days, which is set in the cursed town of Saturn during the twelve days leading up to Christmas.”

Save your bitcoins — this one’s free to view on YouTube™, the world’s video landfill. And if you’re wondering where the town of Saturn is, it’s just down the road from Uranus. Man, that joke never gets old.

CITY OF DEAD MEN (December 16, 2016)
“An American tourist arrives in Colombia, where he discovers he’s run completely out of money. Desperate for a quick fix to the problem, he meets a young girl, who introduces him to a group of misfits and their mysterious leader, who live in an abandoned psychiatric hospital. At first accepting their friendship and shelter, it soon becomes clear something terrible happened in the hospital. The group living there now only feel immortal, pulling Michael into a dangerous dynamic that might kill him.”

Guess if I ran out of money I’d shack up in and abandoned psychiatric hospital, too. There’s worse things in the world — like people using abandoned psychiatric hospital toilets that don’t flush.

THE BYE BYE MAN (January 13, 2017)
“Set in 1990s Wisconsin, three college students move into an old, off-campus house where they find themselves preyed on by a malevolent supernatural entity called The Bye Bye Man. They must find a way to save themselves while keeping the whole thing secret to protect anyone else from becoming the entity’s next victim.”

Geez, all they have to do is move out of the house. College students are so dumb.

THE CREATURE BELOW (February 28, 2017)
“During a traumatic accident on a deep-sea dive, Olive, a gifted, young marine biologist discovers an unearthly creature. Plagued by gruesome nightmares, her fractured memories of what happened during the accident in the depths of the ocean begin to unravel, revealing her symbiotic bond with an eldritch horror far older and more malevolent than she could possibly imagine, one which drives her to carry out its sinister will, with deadly results for those around her.”

Eldritch horror. Sounds like the monster is a Kraken. Wikipedia™ says Kraken is the German word for octopus. Google Translate™ says it’s Tintenfisch. I don’t know which digital overlord to believe, so I’ll just go with human-eating multi-legged creature. A bit wordy, but it gets to the point.

THE NIGHT WATCHMEN (2017)
“Three inept night watchmen, aided by a young rookie and a fearless tabloid journalist, fight an epic battle to save their lives. A mistaken warehouse delivery unleashes a horde of hungry vampires, and these unlikely heroes must not only save themselves but also stop the scourge that threatens to take over the city of Baltimore.”

Vampires in Baltimore. Fine. Just keep ‘em out of my town. Don’t need anymore of those pesky things moving in to the neighborhood. Werewolves are okay, though. Just as long as they keep a Pooper Scooper™ handy.

Map of Monsters

Monsters in America is an illustrated visual map of all those stinky cryptids (mythological creatures with otherworldly properties/hair styles) who inspire many of the craptacular horror movies I’ve leveraged my life on.

First, some factoids by way of a press release: “The Philadelphia-based Hog Island Press print shop has created Monsters in America, a cryptozoological map of the United States that features all sorts of legendary creatures from across the country.”

“[The map] is possibly the first of its kind – a snapshot of American cryptozoology that brings together the Jersey Devil, Bigfoot, Mothman, Chupacabra, Shunka Warakin, Caddy, the Honey Island Swamp Monster and many more cryptids on one hand-drawn, hand-screened map, which is available to purchase. T-shirt designs based on some of the creatures from their map are also available.”

Man, I could go for some new laundry in the form of a stylish T-shirt suitable for any and every bowling occasion.

While the map is indeed an breathtaking representation of where each of these neck-eating monsters reside with obviously bootlegged green cards, I’m seeing a GLARING omission: where are the cryptids in Washington, specifically Seattle, where I hang my bowling laundry out to dry? Sure, we have tons of wild-eyed creatures roaming around downtown (we call them “out-of-towners”), but no regional T-shirt worthy “manimals.”

It vexes me that Washington State doesn’t have its own monster. Heck, we have UFOs flying out of our butts up here, but the only thing close to local cryptids are those icky giant octopuses just waiting off shore for you to wade a little further out on Alki Beach than you normally do. (I claim your beach towel.)

It’s nice that the California-established Bigfoot occasionally stops by on his Pacific Northwest staycation to visit relatives. But it’s clear Washington/Seattle/Me/I need a residential monster. Until I can organize some sort of candlelight vigil keggar to raise awareness/2nd keg funds, maybe one of you other creature-flush states can loan us one. I’m looking in your direction Ohio, you with your fancy pants Loveland Frogmen and associative merchandising rights.

Oh, yeah – the poster is $30. Get it by clicking the heck outta THIS.

 

Gappa Gappa Hey!

Playmate magazine is celebrating however many years in publication by opening a South Seas island theme park. They need concession stands, handi-cap accessible restrooms, twirly rides, alligator ticket-takers and exotic stuff from real islands. So they send an expedition to Obelisk Island get some. And boy, do they hit pay dirt — a Volkswagen-sized egg that looked like it came out of a six-passenger b*tthole.

The egg hatches and out pops a prehistoric parrot called Gappa. (Note: Gappa is not it’s name, but rather in reference to a race of prehistoric birds with f’d-up beaks.) Bringing the Gappa back to Japan was the first mistake. Thinking it didn’t have parents was the other. Gappa starts growing at a rate of a foot and a half per day. In a month it’ll be as tall as all the other Gappi in his school.

Finally noticing junior has gone missing, mama and papa Gappa come calling. Both are 200 feet tall, have leathery gargoyle wings, honkin’ beaks, a Godzilla-esque tail and a shark fin sticking out of their skulls. Quite stylish by any prehistoric standard. Attempts by the military to impede Mr. and Mrs. Gappa’s search ends up with the Armed Forces getting the business end of a beak. And speaking of bird mouths, when the Gappa arrive out of Sagami Bay, one has an octopus in its mouth — and keeps it there for actually quite a while (they’re kinda chewy). Calculating scale, the octopus is roughly the size of an underwater school bus.

Someone in a lab coat gets the idea to bring baby Gappa back to its parents so that mom and pop might quit breaking Tokyo. (They don’t call ’em scientists for nothing.) Everyone involved manages to get the little squirt into a net and lift it with blimps, which are towed by helicopters and delivered to the airport. (There are no more planes as the Gappa canceled all arriving/departing flights.)

The Gappas are reunited and fly happily into the sunset, which was made really pretty by smoke and flames from the burning city. “If there’s one thing the Gappa taught me, is that life is not all about ambition,” exclaims one scientist. Glad he got arrived at some introspection.

Made in the turbulent 1967s, Monster From A Prehistoric Planet (aka, Giant Beast Gappa, Daikyojû Gappa, Gappa: The Triphibian Monster) is full of cheese-y fun effects, one million explosions, wholesale destruction, and a little Japanese boy painted to look like an island native. (I could tell because his lips were pink while the rest of him was coconut brown.)

And good times were had by all.

Giant Mexican Cephalopod

Pffft – some monster; it looks like an octopus made out of a meatball with one eye and tentacles that seem to be waving at eight different clams at the same time.

So while you/me/we breathlessly wait to see this oven baked creature (total screen time: 13 seconds spread over three “sightings”), we have to put up with a chick vacationing in Mexico who, upon hearing about said water devil, becomes obsessed with finding it. Not sure what she planned on doing with it once located. Maybe to give her much-needed acting lessons.

Her new marine biologist boyfriend, who smokes nutritious cigarettes and plays the acoustic guitar (a cross between a tone deaf James Taylor and worn brakes), doesn’t share her belief system as all he wants to do is snorkel in her sea grotto.

Then there’s a half-baked attempt to pad the plot even more with a concerned local with territorial community spirit who wants to keep the monster around to eat tourists. Now who will buy those novelty day-glo sombreros?

You already know how this ends – with you wanting a full refund. Monster from the Ocean Floor (1954) will give your eyes “see food” poisoning.

Infected Zones, Pt. 2

Normally, I put movie sequels in the same category of painful infected itching. (Note to the entire Internet – just a metaphor. Ahem.) Milking a story line to get one or more movies out of it is blatant profiteering and dilutes the art.

Man, I’m full of it today.

Anyway, Monsters, the 2010 surprise home run hit about space spores taking up residence in Mexico and mutating the flora and fauna to make gigantic octopus creatures with tentacles that looked like rave party lighting, is getting a sequel in Monsters: The Dark Continent.

Here’s the skinny on the MTDC, with a tentative release date of 2014:

“Seven years on from the events of Monsters, and the Infected Zones have spread worldwide. Humans have been knocked off the top of the food chain, with disparate communities struggling for survival. American soldiers are being sent abroad to protect US interests from the Monsters, but the war is far from being won.”

“Noah, a haunted soldier with several tours under his belt, is sent on a mission: an American soldier has gone rogue deep in the Infected Zone, and Noah must reach him and take him out. But when Noah’s unit and transport are destroyed, he finds himself with only a young and inexperienced cadet for company – the brother of the man Noah has been sent to kill.”

“The two soldiers must go on a life-altering journey through the dark heart of monster territory, accompanied by a young local woman to guide them. By the time the three of them reach their goal, they will have been forced to confront the fear that the true monsters on the planet may not be alien after all.”

Is it just me or does this sound like the plot for Apocalypse Now (1979)?

Regardless, I look forward to Monsters: The Dark Continent in the same way I anticipate immediate relief from personal infected zones with affordable over-the-counter lotion. (Note to Internet – just kidding…a prescription would work just as well. But not for me – for a friend.)