Phantom Food, Possessed Puppets, Corn-y Kids

Always look forward to fast food giant Burger King’s™ annual Halloween themed and ridiculously healthy cuisine. This year they outdid themselves — the sphincter-clenching Ghost Pepper Whopper™, which cranks up the blast furnace that is your mouth. So yeah, I’m in.

From BK’s press release: “The Ghost Pepper Whopper™, true to its name, features a burger with white cheddar-flavored orange-colored buns topped with Ghost Pepper cheese. It’s also packed with bacon, fried jalapeños, and a queso sauce.” They could just sell me the orange-colored buns and call it day. But wait, there’s more: “Along with the launch of the new Whopper™, Burger King’s™ app has also launched a “Ghost Detector”, which will help you find ghosts in your home…and unlock a special deal.” An app that finds ghosts in my house? Why am I just finding out about this now?

And now the bad news, which doesn’t include the mandatory bathroom time after eating said Ghost Whooper™— it’s only available in select restaurants in 10 cities: Detroit, Memphis, Philadelphia, Phoenix, San Antonio, San Diego, San Francisco, Savannah, Summerville, and New Orleans. (There’s a new Orleans? What happened to the old one?)

While we juice up the jalopy and head to whatever city is closest (807 miles from Seattle to San Francisco), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not put your indoor/outdoor plumbing to the test…

DEATH CAMP / Out now (VOD/DVD)

“A group of teenagers go to an abandoned cabin for a summer weekend where kids from a high school class were killed 20 years earlier.”

Clichéd [ klee-sheyd, kli- ]: Adjective — Representing or expressing a cliché or stereotype; trite; hackneyed; commonplace.

DOKTOR DEATH / October 28, 2022 (Full Moon Features™ channel)

“A beautiful young med student is trapped in an erotic nightmare and must face-off against the demon that inhabits the evil puppet.”

They had me at “erotic nightmare.” They lost me at “evil puppet.”

PRESENCE / November 17, 2022 (VOD)

“Leaving New York after a mental breakdown, Jennifer is contacted by her best friend about good news concerning their joint business venture. Within the hour, Jennifer is boarding a private plane and walking down the dock to a billionaire’s private yacht. All seems well, except that Jennifer is plagued by violent, unsettling visions. Is her unchecked anxiety attempting to self-sabotage her once again…or has a sinister presence latched onto her?”

If you’re flying on a private plane and floating around on a private yacht, unchecked anxiety and/or a sinister presence should be the least of your baggage. Store it in the overhead compartment and sit down. 

CHILDREN OF THE CORN / Fall 2022 (VOD)

“Eden, an orphan possessed by the spirit of the town’s dying cornfield decides to take revenge against the town’s adults, who are destroying the corn (and the children’s future) with their irresponsible decisions. Bo, equally upset at the adults’ selfish behavior, decides to make a stand against Eden’s radical plan to massacre every adult living in the town. After much mayhem, their epic final showdown leads to Bo and Eden facing off one last time, with the fate of everyone and everything in their hands.”

Some corn to shuck here — this remake allegedly came out in October of 2020 in…Sarasota, FL, which causes quizzical expressions on my non-Floridian face. Secondly, it’s allegedly being released to VOD platforms any day/week now. Thirdly, the original Children of the Corn came out in 1984 and grew 10 more sequels, each less tasty than the one that came before it. Fourthly, I never watched said sequels as I felt it was my mom’s subversive way of getting me to eat vegetables. For all the good that did, they may as well have titled it Children of the Cauliflower.

Map of Monsters

Monsters in America is an illustrated visual map of all those stinky cryptids (mythological creatures with otherworldly properties/hair styles) who inspire many of the craptacular horror movies I’ve leveraged my life on.

First, some factoids by way of a press release: “The Philadelphia-based Hog Island Press print shop has created Monsters in America, a cryptozoological map of the United States that features all sorts of legendary creatures from across the country.”

“[The map] is possibly the first of its kind – a snapshot of American cryptozoology that brings together the Jersey Devil, Bigfoot, Mothman, Chupacabra, Shunka Warakin, Caddy, the Honey Island Swamp Monster and many more cryptids on one hand-drawn, hand-screened map, which is available to purchase. T-shirt designs based on some of the creatures from their map are also available.”

Man, I could go for some new laundry in the form of a stylish T-shirt suitable for any and every bowling occasion.

While the map is indeed an breathtaking representation of where each of these neck-eating monsters reside with obviously bootlegged green cards, I’m seeing a GLARING omission: where are the cryptids in Washington, specifically Seattle, where I hang my bowling laundry out to dry? Sure, we have tons of wild-eyed creatures roaming around downtown (we call them “out-of-towners”), but no regional T-shirt worthy “manimals.”

It vexes me that Washington State doesn’t have its own monster. Heck, we have UFOs flying out of our butts up here, but the only thing close to local cryptids are those icky giant octopuses just waiting off shore for you to wade a little further out on Alki Beach than you normally do. (I claim your beach towel.)

It’s nice that the California-established Bigfoot occasionally stops by on his Pacific Northwest staycation to visit relatives. But it’s clear Washington/Seattle/Me/I need a residential monster. Until I can organize some sort of candlelight vigil keggar to raise awareness/2nd keg funds, maybe one of you other creature-flush states can loan us one. I’m looking in your direction Ohio, you with your fancy pants Loveland Frogmen and associative merchandising rights.

Oh, yeah – the poster is $30. Get it by clicking the heck outta THIS.