Space Trippin’, Corpse Cop-A-Feel, Intrusive Intruders

Here’s another thing you didn’t know you needed: Relic of a Jupiter Tomb statuettes. How you thought you’d get through life without ‘em is the million dollar question. Or rather, $325.00, which is the cost of owning one of these crazy cool and colorful and limited to 300 worldwide art pieces. To sweeten the pot, each statuette is hand-painted and airbrushed by master statue craftsmen, making each individual piece unique.

So what exactly are these things? Looks like something a hippie would dream of while tripping on Grateful Dead-grade acid. The artist known as Skinner writes of the statue’s origins: “The men found the relic within the monolithic sarcophagus of Jupiter. They had been trapped for days now, the storm outside having destroyed their ship, leaving them stranded. It was lucky that their space suits had kept them alive this long, but the oxygen wouldn’t last another day…”

Which reminds me — I need to get that hole in my space suit repaired before heading to the store. These statuettes, though, come with a two-sided removable helmet, which can be flipped to present a different design on each side. They come in a “soft touch” collector art box and ship with a certificate of authenticity signed by the House of Gog guys. Preorder ’em here.

While you go rummaging around a monolithic sarcophagus on Jupiter (Uber™ doesn’t go there, so just take the Space Shuttle), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not put YET ANOTHER embarrassing hole in your space suit…

THE ANCHOR / Out now (Screambox™)

“Sera, a nightly news anchor, receives a distressing phone call from a mother saying that a man is going to kill her and that Sera is the only one capable of solving her murder. When she discovers that the caller is real, Sera digs deeper into the case to reveal the shocking truth.”

The only calls I get are from guys with Indian accents named Jerry saying they’re calling from a tech support office in Ohio to tell me my computer is infected with a virus and that they can fix it for $798.00. Fairly priced. 

CONFESSIONS OF A NECROPHILE GIRL / December 2022 (DVD)

“Based on the true life story of American necrophile Karen Greenlee. Karen relives the most important moments of her life through a video diary, from childhood to first love and the scandal about her sexual attraction for corpses.”

Not sure where one draws the line with this subject matter, but if your bar is set high for watching live people have sex with dead people, give Nekromantic (1988) a loving gaze.

BERMUDA ISLAND / January 20, 2023 (Blu-ray/DVD/VOD/Select Theaters)

“Passengers on their way to a tropical paradise crash at sea and find themselves on a deserted island. Desperate to survive the elements and infighting between survivors, they find that the island has more in store for them than they could ever imagine.”

Like what exactly — exploding coconuts? Inflatable mermaids? Monkey butlers? Should be all of that.

GO AWAY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Liz and her boyfriend Mark travel to a remote home in the woods to visit Sherry, her estranged mother. As Liz and the rest of her family try to put their differences aside long enough to survive dinner, an unexpected knock at the door turns into deadly chaos when a group of masked intruders take the family hostage and force them to play a deadly game of hide and seek.”

Social protocol dictates you call first before dropping by. Masked intruders can be so rude. 

Loch Ness Literature, Born Again Mummies, Religion Reimagined

Author Steve Alten is the writer who makes a living writing about giant sharks. In facto, his 1997 novel, Meg: A Novel of Deep Terror, was the inspiration for The Meg, the blockbuster 2018 hit monster shark movie that made a billion clams at the box office. You may have heard of it.

The Loch, Alten’s 2005 novel, is optioned to be turned into a movie as well. I didn’t read the book, but I assume it has something to do with the Loch Ness Monster. (Maybe I should learn to read.)

Until that happens, Alten has an upcoming sequel to that book titled, The Loch: Heaven’s Lake. Here’s the synopsis: “Zachary Wallace travels to a mysterious lake situated in a crater atop a caldera in South China/North Korea after a series of monster sightings.”

Sounds right up my inlet. You (or me) can pre-order the hardback version for $27.95 on SteveAlten.com. Other platforms will be available on Amazon.com. (Order it directly from Steve — Amazon doesn’t need the money.)

Before you check your 401k to see if you have $27.95 in it, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as cool as hunting for monsters in any country with with or without flushing toilets…

THE MUMMY REBORN (April 4, 2019)
“A group of teens in financial ruin that decide to rob the local antique store of an ancient amulet. But what they don’t realize is that this tomb is cursed, and when the amulet is separated from it’s master he will do anything to get it back. Our burglars must save the day and return the Mummy to it’s tomb before it is too late to save the world.”

Not seeing a point here. Teens steals the Mummy’s bling and the Mummy self-resurrects to get them fitted for a Chicago overcoat (look it up). Isn’t this the same plot used for every Mummy movie ever made?

I TRAPPED THE DEVIL (April 26, 2019)
“When Matt and his wife Karen show up unannounced at the home of his estranged brother Steve to celebrate the holidays, they are instead greeted with a horrifying surprise: trapped in the basement is a man. But not just any man. Steve believes that his hostage is none other than the devil himself. As shock and skepticism turn to fear and paranoia, Matt and Karen find themselves facing a terrifying quandary: is Steve dangerously unhinged? Or could the mysterious stranger really be evil incarnate? Either way, the stage is set for a true Christmas from Hell.”

If you really want to trap the devil, just zip up your pants.

THE CONVENT (May 3, 2019)
“In the early 17th century, innocent young Persephone is falsely accused and put on trial for her life. Her fate seems sealed except for the timely intervention of the mysterious Reverend Mother offering her not just sanctuary, but hope. For the Reverend Mother is the self-appointed leader of a small religious retreat, a secluded Priory, where her fellow Sisters devote their lives to the Lord and seek atonement for their pasts. But upon arrival, Persephone is plagued with terrifying visions and soon realizes that it’s not salvation that awaits but a battle for her very soul itself.”

Curious horror sub-genre, this evil nun stuff. Which begs the question — if nuns are evil, do they punish you for being nice?

ROOM FOR RENT (May 3, 2019/Theaters | May 7, 2019 / VOD)
“Lonely widow Joyce rents out a room to make easy money. She meets mysterious drifter Bob and takes him in as a long-term tenant. She becomes obsessed with her much younger guest, making him the object of her deepest romantic fantasies. When a friend’s betrayal derails Joyce’s fantasy world, she seizes control of her own destiny with a deadly mission to finally get what she deserves.”

GMILF gone wild.

They Call Him Mr. Vampire

Mr. Vampire (not his real name) and his Two Stooges assistants, dig up an ancient tomb, looking to steal its contents. They find a vampire husband, wife and child, who all come back to life, thanks to the bumbling antics of the two assistants who need a solid front kick to the rice bag.

That’s pretty much it for Mr. Vampire 2 (1986). Stupid comic bits, over-choreographed kung-fu fights and pratfalls, and those dumb hopping vampires.

Throat-ripping and blood? Not a severed vein or crimson neck leak to be found. Mr. Vampire, you are hereby relieved of your duties.

Ankh If You Love Mummies

 

It’s easy to see why movies about mummies have never really caught on except for that one in 1999 with Brendan Fraser, which had a budget $80 million and went on to make nearly $416 million. The Mummy Returns, a 2001 sequel, made even more genēh maṣri – $433 million to be exact. (The Scorpion King/2002, the second sequel (prequel/spin-off, actually), took a camel dump at the box office: $91 million budget, $165 million worldwide box office. Yeesh – talk about sand in your gallibaya.)

With only a few exceptions, mummy movies aren’t big box office cake. Why? For only thing, crappy name. Mummy is what little British kids who wear jumpers and have crooked teeth call their moms. Secondly, same outfit in every movie (freshness-expired bandages for shirt AND pants), no discernible orator skills, walks like an Egyptian. In horror movie terms he’s a minimummy wage monster. Heh.

With about as much frequency as a mummy – which is basically a zombie wrapped in toilet paper – is resurrected, now comes Day of the Mummy (2014), (Hmmpf – they should’ve started out with Night of the Living Mummy, followed by Dawn of the Mummy.)

Here’s how the try and spin it: “Jack Wells arrives in Egypt in search of a famed diamond, The Codex Stone. His journey leads him to a team of archaeologists who are exploring the recently discovered tomb of the cursed King Neferu. With his centuries-old slumber disturbed by timeless human greed, the King rises from the dead with a bloodlust that cannot be staunched and a raging fury that will shred flesh from bone, bringing terrible, tormented death to all who dare witness the Day of the Mummy.”

Why are all Egyptian kings cursed? What is it about that job that forces you to sleep in dirt for centuries until some get-rich-quick types dig you up and compromise your amenities? I bet the Help Wanted classified ad doesn’t mention anything about that in the job description.

In case you needed another excuse to avoid Day of the Mummy (releasing Oct. 20, 2014 in the UK and December 9 in the States), it was shot POV style; That technique only works effectively in porn.