Archive for scientists

Catch And Release Monsters, FBI vs. UFOs, Arabic Ghouls

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Loch Ness Monster

If you ever catch the highly-marketable Loch Ness Monster, just know that its protected by the Scottish Natural Heritage, which demands you throw the beast back in the lake, lest ye be severely punished, probably with a stick or something.

Loch Ness Monster

If you think this is not serious, guess again. The following comes from recent BBC news report; “Scottish officials have a plan ready if the Loch Ness Monster is ever caught. Officials drew up a set of guidelines on how to protect the new species — including releasing it back into its watery home.”

Loch Ness Monster

“The ‘partly serious, partly fun’ code of practice was written in 2001 by Scottish Natural Heritage, which is funded by the Scottish government. SNH said it will “dust off” the plan and put it into action should the fabled beast be discovered, reports the BBC.”

Loch Ness Monster

“It says officials should take a DNA sample from the monster so scientists can study the creature. Then it should be released back into the Loch with measures put in place to make sure it is not disturbed — as it would be an extremely rare species needing conservation.”

Loch Ness Elephant

Before you head to the corner bait shop (no, not a sushi restaurant) to get a bigger fishing pole, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be thrown in a lake…

Along Came The Devil

ALONG CAME THE DEVIL (August 10, 2018)
“A troubled teen Ashley is sent to live with her estranged Aunt Tanya. While in her old hometown she has visions of her deceased mom, driving her to try to contact the spirit world putting her soul into grave danger.”

Ghoul

GHOUL (August 24, 2018/Netflix™)
“Based on Arabic folklore, Ghoul is a chilling series about a prisoner who arrives at a remote military interrogation center and turns the tables on his interrogators, exposing their most shameful secrets.”

Sound familiar? It should — it comes directly from the Stephen King TV mini series, Storm of the Century (1999). That one had a lot of weather in it.

UFO

UFO (September 4, 2018/DVD)
Derek is a brilliant college student and haunted by a childhood UFO sighting. He believes that mysterious sightings reported at multiple airports across the United States are UFOs. With the help of his girlfriend, Natalie and his advanced mathematics professor, Dr. Hendricks, Derek races to unravel the mystery with FBI special agent Franklin Ahls on his heels.”

You don’t need to be a brilliant college student to know that UFOs are real. Every high school drop out knows that.

Hell Fest

HELL FEST (September 28, 2018)
“On Halloween night, three young women and their respective boyfriends head to Hell Fest — a ghoulish traveling carnival that features a labyrinth of rides, games and mazes. They soon face a bloody night of terror when a masked serial killer turns the horror theme park into his own personal playground.”

Liked this better when it was called The Funhouse (1981). Looks like someone’s been double-dipping into idea bowl (aka, Hollywood toilet) again.

Supermodel Science Experiment

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 8, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Splice

Splice (2010) is a sci-fi horror film about bio-experiments gone wild that finally answers the question: “Do these genes make me look fat?” 

Clive and Elsa, two biochemists working for a profit-minded corporation, create a male and female life form that, when harvested, will produce a protein that’ll make animals juicier and tastier, thereby generating more sales. Naming the meatloaf/tongue couple “Fred & Ginger” (cute — they even had a Sid & Nancy, but no Batman & Robin), in order to take it to the next step, the young scientists want to splice this new animal DNA with human DNA to unlock the secret of diseases, like swollen butt and puffy elbow, thereby generating even more profits for the corporation. 

Splice

The answer is hell no, but Clive and Elsa forge ahead in private and give birth to a rat-legged human type creature with a butter top noggin. The woman names this new species “Dren” (N.E.R.D. spelled backward, the name of the company they work for), and dresses it up in little girl’s clothes and gives it teddy bears and dolls.

Splice

Prior to that, Clive wanted to gas the unholy thing, and even tried drowning it, which is the mandate of science. But this little cutie is growing at an exponential rate and is developing things like wings, a stinger tail, and boobies. She can communicate, but only speaks in a noise that sounds like a cross between a chipmunk and Flipper. This “flipmunk” noise gets screechy when she’s stressed, and purring when she makes out with you. Just like women in real life.

Splice

Getting Dren out of the lab and sequestered in a barn that Elsa became owner of after her cruel mother died, they try and keep her entertained. She’d rather eat live rabbits and take her clothes off. But Elsa’s mental state is doing a slow grind into that of her strict mother, acting overly “parental.” She even took a homeless cat away from her, just in case someone got hungry in the middle of the night. All the time Clive keeps screaming about how this is all wrong, but goes along with it anyway because he’s kind of a wuss, letting Elsa walk all over him.

Splice

Playing Eve to his Adam, she gets him to take a bite of the hothouse apple. He takes a big bite; There’s a rather uncomfortable scene where Clive and Dren become more than just friends. But he has one on the chick scientist, too — that human DNA didn’t come from a nameless donor. Ethics and “rules” become more distorted and Dren starts changing — and it’s not into something more comfortable.

Splice

Dren is eerily gorgeous, though I could do without the rat legs and four-fingered hand feet. The tail’s cool, and while she’s bald with a crease dividing her head into two equal parts (it doesn’t open the way a toaster oven door might), it’s Dren’s “at one with nature” exhibitionism that makes her the supermodel alternate life-form of the year.

Splice

If you’ve seen Xtro (1983), you know how this baby (sorry) ends. And you’ll pick up on elements spliced (sorry) from such “science inside-out” movies as Frankenstein (1931), Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein (1973, one part, anyway), and Species (1995), with a little E.T.: The Extraterrestrial (1982) thrown in.

Sci-Fi Guitars, Mechanical Dogs, Victorian Ghosts

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 13, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Parallel Universe

Without question, Fender™ guitars are some of the coolest things ever created (that, and vending machines). Now Fender.com™ has issued a limited edition space surf guitar poster called Parallel Universe Jazz Tele®, designed by Ivan Minsloff. It’s $60 and limited to 300, so yes, someone needs to buy this for me.

Paralelle Universe

From the press release: “Ivan Minsloff generally associates the Jazzmaster with either the 90’s indie-rock of Dinosaur Jr. and My Bloody Valentine or with ‘60s surf-rock bands — dudes in matching sweaters. Considering the hybrid, Frankenstein vibe of the Parallel Universe series he decided that a sci-fi surf design would be fun…and it was! Limited to 300 units worldwide, and inspired by those classic ’60s science fiction movie posters, it features surf green ink as a nod to the guitar.

While I go out and wait by my mailbox for someone to send this poster to me, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as cool as Fender™ guitars or surf green ink…

A.X.L.

A.X.L. (August 24, 2018)
“Miles is a down-on-his-luck teenage motorcyclist who stumbles upon an advanced robotic dog that’s part of the military’s next-generation, artificial intelligence program. With help from a girl whom he has a crush on, Miles must protect his new friend when it becomes the target of rogue scientists who want their creation back.”

A robo-dog. Does that mean you have to feed it empty beer cans and old silverware? And what about afterward — does it pee oil? Do you end up stepping in piles of scrap?

The Little Stranger

THE LITTLE STRANGER (August 31, 3018)
Dr. Faraday, the son of a housemaid, who has built a life of quiet respectability as a country doctor. During the long hot summer of 1948, he is called to a patient at Hundreds Hall, where his mother once worked. The Hall has been home to the Ayres family for more than two centuries. But it is now in decline and its inhabitants – mother, son and daughter – are haunted by something more ominous than a dying way of life. When he takes on his new patient, Faraday has no idea how closely, and how disturbingly, the family’s story is about to become entwined with his own.”

Cool — a period piece ghost story with mystery and intrigue. Those two words go together like intrigue and mystery. This also means there will be lots of characters, no nudity and clothes that were once thought to be quite fashionable. Have to say, though; the good ‘ol black rock T-shirt transcends trends and even time itself.

Bumblebee

BUMBLEBEE (December 21, 2018)
“On the run in the year 1987, Bumblebee the Autobot seeks refuge in a junkyard in a small California beach town. Charlie, on the brink of turning 18 years old and trying to find her place in the world, soon discovers the battle-scarred and broken Bumblebee. When Charlie revives him, she quickly learns that this is no ordinary yellow Volkswagen.”

Great. Just we didn’t need or ask for — a Transformers spin-off, this time set in the ‘80s and the car/robot is a Volkswagen Beetle™. Give me a golf cart that could turn into a robot, then you’d have my attention.

The Unseen

THE UNSEEN (2018/2019)
“A man, who years earlier mysteriously abandoned his family and isolated himself in a small northern town, returns for one last chance to reconnect with his troubled daughter. When she goes missing, he risks everything to find her, including exposing the fact that he is becoming invisible.”

And invisible father has been done before with Ghost Dad (1990). Still, it’d be neat to be transparent. One could skip happily through the grocery store wearing nothing but a smile. Kinda liberating when you think about it.

Fake UFOs, Horror Teens, Evil Wishing Well

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 4, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Real UFO Crash Footage

Recently pulled up Real UFO Crash Footage (Mooney Vision) on Amazon Prime™. Several things you need to know before stepping in the same pile of I.V.C. (Identified Viewing Crap) I did…

• ALL the footage is of blurry and/or shaky camera stylings.

• Lots of the material has digital UFOs flying above around or into fiery explosions that happened by way of the wrong button being pushed, high-speed left turn into a right turn cloud, or something involving gasoline and matches.

• Most footage contains mega-explosions from stock news broadcasts.

• There’s footage of falling meteors, which are nothing more than God’s marbles.

• Some footage is from the SyFy Channel™ from over a decade ago.

• While it’s true these UFOs are just that (because of the blurriness, you can’t identify what it is that’s flying/not flying), the bait on the hook here is the flying saucer on the cover.

And while you’re fuming over having bitten the hook, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be blatantly misleading…

The Open House

THE OPEN HOUSE (January 19, 2018/Netflix)
“A mother and her teenage son move into a new house and are harassed by threatening forces.”

Threatening forces could be anything — landlords, neighbors, Mothman, me…  Just need an address. (Disclaimer: I don’t really threaten anyone. However, I will make your lawn die just by standing on it.)

The Devil's Well

THE DEVIL’S WELL (January 23, 2018)
Karla Marks mysteriously vanishes while conducting a paranormal investigation with her husband into the Devil’s Well, an underground location reported to be a gateway straight into Hell, and the site of ongoing strange phenomenon. A year after her disappearance, a group of investigators go back to uncover the truth about Karla, and are faced with evil forces greater than they ever imagined.”

A well is the gateway to Hell? And here all this time I thought the portal to Purgatory was 7-Eleven™. That, or the bathroom door to the men’s room at the Maha (a bar I hang out in, and usually have a priest administer a blessing every time beer needs to be exorcised from thy bladder).

Truth or Dare

TRUTH OR DARE (April 27, 2018)
“A harmless game of ‘Truth or Dare’ among friends turns deadly when someone — or something — begins to punish those who tell a lie — or refuse the dare.”

Sounds like more dumb teen horror. Can’t wait to not watch it.

Nightflyers

NIGHTFLYERS (SyFy Channel™/2018/2019)
“Eight maverick scientists and a powerful telepath embark on an expedition to the edge of our solar system in the hopes of contacting alien life. They travel aboard The Nightflyer — a ship with a small tightknit crew and a reclusive captain. But when terrifying and violent events begin to take place they start to question each other, and surviving the journey proves harder than anyone thought.”

This looks to be a TV series, which is good, because it gives me YET ANOTHER excuse to not get off the couch. Nightflyers is based on George R.R. Martin’s 1980 supernatural novella (short book) of the same name and was actually made into a movie back in 1987. I may or may not have seen it. Hey, I have hair to comb and lawns to mow. I take that stuff seriously.

Aliens, Extraterrestrials, Space Brothers

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fifty Shades of Greys

Besides being a well-researched book on extraterrestrial visitations and the infamous the Roswell Incident (UFO ran a red light, crashed, and we put the alien driver in jail and denied bail) and beyond, it’s the title that’s pretty dang clever: Fifty Shades of Greys. Man, that’s funny because greys are what we call aliens, probably because they look so depressed all the time.

Fifty Shades of Greys

Written by Raymond Szymanski, a retired Air Force Engineer, the 2016 book claims that the UFOs and aliens from the outrageous 1947 Roswell Incident were brought to the Wright – Patterson Air Force Base in Dayton, Ohio to be examined and kept in obscure covered passageways. That’s a pretty bold proclamation. An Air Force base in Dayton, Ohio, home of Orville Wright, the guy who invented UFOs? Mr. Szymanski — you just hit pay dirt.

Another coincidence, then, that we’re being invaded with movies and documentaries of our depressed space brothers. Here are a few just released sci-fi movies and UFO documentaries to give you a few more shades of greys…

Aliens: Zone of Silence

ALIENS: ZONE OF SILENCE (available now)
“After her brother vanishes from the Mexican desert, a young woman sets out to uncover the truth about his disappearance. When she discovers an extraterrestrial presence, she must risk her life to expose the desert’s otherworldly secret.”

An almost note-for-note rip-off of The Phoenix Incident (2015), The Phoenix Tapes ’97 (2016) and Phoenix Forgotten (2017). Despite the plagiarism, the fact this is YET ANOTHER found footage flick should make you wanna better spend your time elsewhere, like abducting beers.

Alien Contact: Outer Space

ALIEN CONTACT: OUTER SPACE (available now)
Many people think of Space as a quiet and desolate vacuum of emptiness, but new evidence reveals that space is rife with activity beyond our comprehension. Just as we sent Voyager and Pioneer probes beyond our solar system, aliens have probes of their own that may have arrived as early as the 1600’s. While Tesla was the first to successfully communicate with neighboring worlds using radio waves, we have received recent signals from intelligent sources. In 1989, Russian Space Probe Phobos 2 photographed a UFO on the surface of Mars just prior to losing contact. Scientists have determined that the craft was real and of a thin elliptical shape over 20 miles in length. We are not alone in outer space and while the aliens may be initiating contact, they could also be here already.”

Seems to me if aliens wanted to contact us they would just send us an IM on Spacebook™ or something. Or maybe its because they haven’t found intelligent life here on Earth worth talking to. That’s probably it.

E.T. Contact: They Are Here

E.T. CONTACT: THEY ARE HERE (available now)
E.T. Contact: They Are Here documents the jaw-dropping stories of individuals from around the world who share similar accounts of extraterrestrial and otherworldly encounters. Through a series of groundbreaking on-camera experiments on human DNA, and interviews with leading scientists, viewers will find themselves pondering the nature of their own reality or yet the true origin of the human species. E.T. Contact may ultimately show that the traditionally unexplained is, in fact, far more attributable to science than fiction.”

The trailer for this one is pretty funny as it features straight-faced academics supporting the belief of extraterrestrials’ existence and, by extension, their frequent visitations to learn how our back doors work. Take heed, space brother; I just ate a Taco BellFiery Doritos Locos Taco Supreme™.

Alien Convergence

ALIEN CONVERGENCE (available now)
“When flying reptilian aliens begin to take over the world, the remaining survivors must band together and fight back with newly developed fighter jets.”

Aliens can fly? Well dang — that makes ’em even cooler than first thought. Aside from complexion, wondering, though, how this differs from Flying Monkeys (2013)?

Literary Predator, Neighborly Witchcraft, Plagiaristic Poltergeist

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

If It Bleeds

If you know how to read and can do so without moving your lips while doing it, here’s a juicy book you might wanna put on your Halloween gift wish list. If It Bleeds (Titan Books), a collection of stories about the Predator movie franchise, arrives October 17, 2017, edited by Bryan Thomas Schmidt, and features an all-star writer’s mosh pit, including Kevin J. Anderson, Wendy N. Wagner, Mira Grant, Dayton Ward, Jennifer Brozek, Tim Lebbon, Jonathan Maberry, Andrew Mayne, Weston Ochse, Larry Correia, S. D. Perry, Steve Perry, Jeremy Robinson,  John Shirley, Peter J. Wacks, Bryan Thomas Schmidt, Holly Roberds, and David Boop.

Need more convincing? Didn’t think so. But here’s the book’s advance press release anyway: “Over the centuries, extraterrestrial hunters of the Yautja race — also known as the Predators — have encountered humans on Earth and in the depths of space. Offered here are sixteen all-new stories of such hunts, written by many of today’s most extraordinary authors. Inspired by the events of the original Predator movies, graphic novels and novels, these adventures pit hunter against prey in life-and-death struggles where there can be only one victor.”

You can get If It Bleeds for a mere $9.99/Kindle Edition/$12.33 paperback. The price may vary, depending on what planet you’re mercilessly hunted on. And while you get your reading chops honed by looking at ingredient labels on bags of pork rinds and convenient snack-packs, here are a few just-released/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies to augment your literary needs…

Drone Wars

DRONE WARS (available now)
“When drones arrive in a flash, slaughtering humanity and stripping the Earth of its resources, a small team of scientists hiding in Los Angeles works to expel the drone menace once and for all.”

Replace the word “drones” with “politicians” and the word “expel” with ”impeach”, then you’ll have a much scarier movie.

Stranger's Relative

STRANGER’S RELATIVE (available now)
“Angela rents a room in the house of an African American woman, who offers services of witchcraft. After her arrival, paranormal activities begin to happen, causing her to experience intense situations full of intrigues. Convinced that there are evil entities in the house, Angela decides to move, but evil chases her wherever she goes, leading her to an unexpected outcome.”

That’s the problem with rental witchcraft — unless you know what you’re doing, everything can go a lot further south than you’re probably baptized for. That’s why you should always practice safe hex.

Chameleon Shadow

CHAMELEON SHADOW (available now)
“When darkness is attached and dreams haunt the head, an alternative source of relief can be found in the darkest of places by a most unbelievable being the elusive Chameleon. When a young photographer seeks relief from his recurring nightmares, the Chameleon provides a cure. Little does he know the side effect is the realization of his nightmares materializing in the real world.”

That’s called waking up and going to work.

Poltergeist Encounters

POLTERGEIST ENCOUNTERS (December 12, 2017)
“A questionable group of paranormal investigators with their own web series receive the offer of a lifetime. They must stay one night in a potentially haunted house to receive a large sum of money. It seems like easy money to Anton, team leader of the group, and privately, an unbeliever in the supernatural. Mick, Roach, and Terrance are all investigators that take the entire situation far too lightly, before everything they believe changes. On that fateful night, they learn that it’s all fun and games until things get real.”

The word “poltergeist” is one of those horror movie hot buttons, designed to lure you in with perceived ghost action. As is far too often when we’re promised a thrill ride and end up in the plastic ball pit at Chuck E Cheese™, we turn to booze instead of boos. (Yeah, I used that joke before. Gimme a break; I was up all night busting ghosts. I mean, “poltergeists.”)

Water-Proof UFOs

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 10, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sphere

A gigantic UFO is discovered in the middle of the ocean. Actually, under the middle of the ocean. It’s determined that the spaceship, which is the size of downtown Manhattan, has been there for 288 years, give or take a work week. A team of specialists has been called in to see what up. Transported via a mini-sub several miles beneath the surface, the military has already built an aqua habitat, so that they may study and blog about the UFO.

Sphere

All the scientists put on high-pressure swim-suits and find their way into the spacecraft. That’s weird—there are recycling bins and uneaten packs of Smokehouse Almonds™ laying around. They find the ship’s log and, upon playing it back, discover the craft experienced an “unknown event,” which looks like they got sucked into a Black Hole. (Holes don’t come in any other color except black.) Exploring further, they find a gigantic gold sphere, the surface of which undulates and looks like rich man’s bath water. It doesn’t do anything except float. All that trouble and expense to find it, and the darn thing just sits there. Stupid aliens. Or are they?

Sphere

A binary message transmitted from the UFO is translated and they’re being greeted by an alien named…Jerry. I can believe a giant UFO has been at the bottom of the ocean for nearly 300 years, but an alien named Jerry? That’s just weird. Even more weird undersea weirdness happens: one million poisonous and extra-large jellyfish sting one of the habitat divers into swollen pudding. Then a football field-sized squid attacks the habitat and breaches the hull’s integrity. Then the place catches on fire and roasts the face off the astrophysicist. Then the Navy captain is severed in half. Then more messages from Jerry. And he’s not happy.

Sphere

To go any further would cause YOU mental grief as I’d have to wreck it all by telling you the spaceship is not alien, but rather a vehicle from our future and… Crap, sorry. Sphere (1998) gets really intense, and while you have to pay the heck attention, clues are all over the place to explain the monster squids, toxic jellyfish, and trillions of fish eggs that look like and are the size of sea potatoes.

Sphere

There’s a tedious subplot involving the psychologist and the marine biologist, who had an affair (another clue). But since they don’t show any sea boobies, it’s just something you’ll have to put up with. The movie will hold your interest, though. And after you’re done, go stick your head in a sphere…it’s fun!