Literary Godzilla, DJ Devil, Loud Earworm

Most people would rather watch Godzilla kick the Shittori Choco out of Japan (and other monsters) than read about it. But now, thanks to modern technology, you can do both — at the same time, if you’re a weirdo. University of Minnesota Press is publishing the novelization of Godzilla (1954) and Godzilla Raids Again (1955) as English-translated paperback and e-books for the YA (Young Adult) market. Good luck trying to get kids to read — they’re too busy making stupid TikTok™ dance videos and investing in get-rich-quick cryptocurrency, or “imaginary money.”

From the University of Minnesota Press’ press release: “Shigeru Kayama (1904 – 1975) was a science fiction writer and scenarist whose early stories about monsters and mutated sea creatures attracted the attention of Toho Studios™, who asked him to draft the first two Godzilla films. The film Half Human (1955) by Toho Studios™ was also based on one of his stories, and he contributed to the screenplay for the Toho™ film The Mysterians (1957).”

The books will be available October 3, 2023 on Amazon Prime™ and Amazon Kindle™ from $17.41 and $9.99 respectively. That’s reasonably priced cryptocurrency. Invest in it here.

So while we put down our TVs and pick up a book for the first time in years, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not appeal to young adults…

LATE NIGHT WITH THE DEVIL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A live broadcast of a late-night talk show in 1977 goes horribly wrong, unleashing evil into the nation’s living rooms. Jack Delroy is the host of a late-night talk show Night Owls. His rating are plummeting, it’s sweeps week and he’s desperate for a boost so he plans a Halloween special with a magician, someone that claims to be possessed, and skeptics. This is not your traditional late-night variety show; It slowly builds until pure chaos and mayhem ensue.”

Unleashing evil, pure chaos and mayhem? I’ve been all up and down the dial and can’t find it. A shiny cookie to anyone who can tell me where to find this radio station. And hurry — these shiny cookies aren’t gonna make it to late night.

INCESSANT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A troubled couple taking time away at a place in the country. Instead of peace, they encounter an audio-altering virus, a parasite that will slowly rip them apart.”

I’ve said it before — the audio-altering virus can be found on every Motörhead song in existence. Visibly shocked I have to keep repeating myself.

DON’T LOOK AWAY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

‘It doesn’t move, it doesn’t think — it just kills. And for a young woman and her friends, a chance encounter with the supernatural entity proves deadly, because once you see it, don’t you dare look away or it comes for you…and keeps coming for you until you’re dead.”

The supernatural entity they’re referring to is your television.

POUNDCAKE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A New York City serial killer is murdering straight white men in unspeakable ways. Podcasters are chiming in with their theories on who the killer is, what his motives are, and how to stop him. Is it all a hoax to garner sympathy for cisgender white men? Some people think so. Others find the murders cathartic, even funny. Are the victims finally getting what they deserve after inflicting centuries of oppression? Can the killer be stopped? New Yorkers must find a way to end the hate and embrace positivity instead. It might be the only way to kill the beast!”

The first time I heard the word “positivity” was in “Spice Up Your Life”, the irresistible 1997 Spice Girls hit song. And now, 26 years later, New Yorkers are asked to embrace positivity to stop a serial killer. I say to them — “Spice up your life and dance all over that serial killer, b*tches!”

Glazed Gorilla, Bearly Evil, Ghost Criminals

In King Kong vs. Godzilla, the 1962 kaiju classic dust up, there was the hilariously memorable and infamous scene where Kong gets drunk as a mecha-skunk and passes out, his bar tab covered by jungle natives. This is so he can be taken passively to Japan for promotional purposes and ends up in a smackdown with Godzilla, who is a total teetotaler. (The outcome depended on whether you live in the US or Japan.) Now you can get a Drunk Kong action (or would that be non-action) figure and get your jungle boogie on.

From TemptingToysandCollectibles.com website: “Rotokaiju drunk King Kong 1962 30cm Vinyl figure fully built and painted (made in 2020). This limited version was completely built and painted by the manufacturer and has the ‘drunk’ Kong face and three Suma Juice jars.” Drunk Kong stands 12” inches tall — or 12” long when he’s laying in the gutter, stinking of Suma Juice highballs. That’s the fun news. The opposite of that is Drunk Kong costs $1,999.00. (Conversely, a six-pack of Suma Juice is only $1.00._ Spend your money here.

The way they transport Drunk Kong off Faro Island was genius, strapping him to hot air balloons and gently escorting the drunky monkey off the premises. FYI: If you plan on chugging down a few jars of Suma Juice (called Soma Juice on the box and Farolacton Juice on Kong’s island), be sure and have a designated balloon handler to get you home — don’t drink and float.

So while we head to the Faro Island’s corner liquor store to stock up on Farolacton Juice and become a party animal, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your head swell up like a balloon…

ADALYNN / March 28, 2023 (VOD)

“A mother is fighting postpartum depression and slipping over the edge. It becomes hard to distinguish where depression ends and her nightmares turn real as she and her newborn are haunted by a stalker unlike any other.”

Probably a demonic nanny/babysitter. I had one. She let me get away with murder.

NIGHT OF THE KILLER BEARS / April 18, 2023 (VOD)

“After not seeing each other for a long time, five teenage friends living in Bangkok go on a vacation together, staying at a quiet resort isolated from the city. Things take a dark turn when it’s revealed each of them have hidden secrets, and unbeknown to the group, there is someone observing them. When one of them ends up brutally murdered, paranoia and distrust surrounds the group, motivating each remaining member to accuse each other of being the murderer or considering the possibility that the real murderer is the unseen presence observing them, and that they all are in danger.”

Bears are the new sharks in horror movies recently, what with the moderate successes of Cocaine Bear (2023), Winnie-The-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023). But for really scare bears, that chemical pollution-mutated one in The Prophecy (1979) and the alien-mutated one in Annihilation (2018) are both pretty…grizzly.

LEGEND OF THE WHITE DRAGON / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Erik Reed, The White Dragon, has returned home to Virtuo City three years later after being defeated in a colossal battle against the ancient overlord, Ashtagor. The crystal he used to become the White Dragon was broken in two as a result of the epic battle, both pieces were subsequently lost. Being blamed for the destruction and collateral lives lost, his identity was outed after the battle thus making him a fugitive from the law. We now follow Erik on his journey as he teams up with treasure hunters from the past who help him reclaim his power as the White Dragon. Once reunited with his powers, he and his team are now ready to battle a new threat, Dragon Prime, who seeks revenge against the White Dragon and try and defeat Dragon Prime in order to get one step closer to clearing his name and being able to protect his family from an ancient evil that still lurks in the darkness — Ashtagor.”

A lot going on here. Then again, the trailer explodes with spaceships, punching violence, future bikinis, ancient overlords with dumb names, revenge glares and costumes that look more at home in a 1980s video game. So yeah, I’ll watch the movie.

DEADLAND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A U.S. Border Patrol Agent tries to apprehend the ghost of his father, a grave decision that will haunt him forever.”

Related or not, ghost criminals are the worst because it’s near to impossible to keep ’em in jail, what with being able to walk through walls ’n stuff.

Cuddly Kaiju, Filming Bigfoot, Killer Whales

Godzilla is the KISS of merchandising, having his likeness/logo/iconic beer belch attached to literal hundreds of products, ranging from designer underwear and hot sauce to 100% Toho™ cotton bed sheets and a themed hotels (Hotel Gracery Shinjuku, for a reasonable $125 a night). And thanks to Quantam Mechanix™, Godzilla is now a plush zipperhead. And no, that wasn’t me calling him names. Godzilla has been turned into a plush toy (fancy term for being stuffed) with a mouth that can be opened/closed with zipper lips. (That sounds like a cool name for a new Godzilla foe or a punk band.)

Godzilla Zippermouth Plush comes in a set of four: Godzilla Burning, Godzilla Atomic Breath, Godzilla Standard, Godzilla Black and White. This set sells for $139.99 and has these features: “Charming, edgy, and packed with personality, these Godzilla Zippermouth Plush are soft, cute, and full of details that will appeal to kids and even the most discerning collector. Measuring approximately 8 1/2-inches tall, each plush features individually stuffed claws; embroidered details on his eyes, nose, spine; and custom-dyed fabric that’s super soft to the touch. They also sport a trademark Quantum Mechanix™ zippered smile you can unzip to reveal Godzilla’s destructive grin!”

Destructive grin. A possible name for a rotgut craft cocktail. These plushies arrive in June 2023 and you can reserve yours here. And while you start a punk band and/or sip some rotgut, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not leave you feeling stuffed…

SOMETHING WALKS IN THE WOODS / Out now (VOD)

“A viral video shows a mysterious figure walking along the edge of the woods each day, and filmmaker Bill Howard sets out to spend a night there to find out exactly what it is.”

It’s Bigfoot looking to pound the film out of anyone pointing a camera in his general direction

THE REAPER MAN / April 18, 2023 (VOD)

“A grieving wife summons a dark spirit with an insatiable desire for revenge.”

I liked this better when it was called Pumpkinhead (1988).

SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After being forced to drive a mysterious passenger at gunpoint, a man finds himself in a high-stakes game of cat and mouse where it becomes clear that not everything is as it seems.”

This one stars Nicolas Cage, who has already been in 415 movies so far this year.

THE SWARM / Release pending 2023 (Streaming Series)

“Whales begin sinking ships. Toxic, eyeless crabs poison Long Island’s water supply. The North Sea shelf collapses, killing thousands in Europe. Around the world, people are beginning to feel the effects of the ocean’s revenge as the seas and their inhabitants begin a ‘violent revolution’ against mankind. At stake is the survival of the Earth’s very fragile ecology — and ultimately, the survival of humanity.”

They had me at whales sinking ships. Points also for eyeless crabs.

Frolicking Kaiju, Clay Sharks, Teenage Death Trap

Going back to the medieval days of 1997, there were three-minute campy film shorts under the title of Godzilla Island (250 in all), but you had to temporarily visit and/or live in Japan to see ’em. But wait — you can watch ’em on YouTube™ in the US for free right now. And yes, they’re subtitled. Whew — now I can understand the screaming of fleeing Japanese citizens in a language I’m somewhat familiar with.

Behold — the details: “Travel to Godzilla Island and enjoy the antics of your favorite kaiju such as Mothra, Rodan, Ghidorah, and of course, Godzilla in the 1997 short-form series. The year is 2097. Monsters live and frolic on Godzilla Island under the watchful eye of G Guard, a human peacekeeping force. But with a massive, belligerent UFO heading straight for the island, how long can that peace last? Episodes of Godzilla Island will be released every Tuesday and Thursday (click here).”

While we contemplate what a belligerent UFO is exactly, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be better suited in a three-minute format… 

THE RESURRECTION OF CHARLES MANSON / March 16, 2023 (VOD)

“A couple goes to the desert for a romantic weekend and shoots an audition for a role in an upcoming film. Their holiday quickly turns deadly as they are the target of a cult that carries on the evil beliefs and murderous practices of the Manson Family. This cult believes they can resurrect the ultimate object of their obsession — Charles Manson himself — through a shocking ritual of human sacrifice.”

All quality cults live in the desert. And the woods. And that scummy apartment building right next to mine.

JURASSIC SHARK 3: SEAVENGE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A reporter, cameraman, and some petty thieves are stranded in a boat out on the ocean. The only thing that stands between them and their lives is a 50-foot prehistoric megalodon shark. They must all pull together to survive.”

According to my investigative research (Wikipedia™), the estimated maximum length of a megalodon is 67 feet. This means this movie’s megalodon, at 50 feet long, is a bit on the short side. In other words, this shark is a…shrimp.

COCAINE SHARK / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A mafia drug lord has unleashed a new, highly addictive stimulant on the streets called HT25, derived from sharks held captive in a secret lab, and which causes monstrous side effects. After an explosion and leak at the lab, an army of mutated, bloodthirsty sharks and other creatures are set loose on the world as a small band of people try to stop the carnage.”

I watched the trailer — the mutated bloodthirsty sharks are made of clay. Highly addictive clay.

THE WRATH OF BECKY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Two years after she escaped a violent attack on her family, Becky attempts to rebuild her life in the care of an older woman — a kindred spirit named Elena. But when a group known as the ‘Noble Men’ break into their home, attack them, and take her beloved dog, Diego, Becky must return to her old ways to protect herself and her loved ones.”

Kinda like Home Alone (1990), but with more slaughtering.

Ghostly Real Estate, Neck Bombs, Diabolical French Turtle

If you’re a fan of haunted houses, real estate and stand-up comedy, you can scratch all those itches by attending the one-man show/book signing of Grady Hendrix: How To Sell A Haunted House In A Challenging Market, which takes place April 26, 2023, 7PM at SPACE 538 in Portland, ME. (That’s walking distance to The Holy Donut — home of the handmade Maine potato donut.)

From event organizer Space538.org’s press release: “From Pliny the Younger to the Amityville Horror, we’ve been convinced there’s something undead living inside our homes rent-free for thousands of years. New York Times bestselling author Grady Hendrix, presents another of his one-of-a-kind, one-man shows, tap-dancing through the haunted hallways of houses from Downton Abbey-sized country homes to split-level suburban ranchers as we try to figure out why we’re so obsessed with the world’s worst roommates — ghosts. This is the seminar that will change your life…guaranteed. Live multimedia event followed by a book signing.”

Tickets (click here) are only $7.00, so while we plan on spending hundreds of dollars to get there to score that bargain, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as delicious as The Holy D’s top seller: a bacon and pancake breakfast in donut form…

HACKSAW / Out now (VOD)

“A young couple on a road trip takes a detour to the site where a notorious murderer, Ed “Hacksaw” Crowe, became an urban legend on the day he was killed many years before. But they quickly find the legend may not be quite as dead as they were counting on.”

Time spent coming up with this plot — seven seconds. The ONLY thing that can save this tediously generic flushable is having WWE’s™ “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan in the title role.

ABRUPTIO / March 1—12, 2023 (Cinejoy Theatre)

“Les Hackel hates his life. He works a dead-end job, was just dumped by his high-maintenance girlfriend, and still lives with his nagging mom. One night, he discovers a fresh incision behind his neck. His friend Danny tells him it’s a bomb, that someone has implanted one in his neck, too. And then the messages start coming in, forcing Les to carry out missions with deadly results. Les is partnered up with a series of oddball characters to commit heinous tasks. The violence escalating around him, Les pieces together the clues that reveal the horrific plans to breed a monstrous race of beings.”

Before you get too ramped up for this, know that this is life-sized puppet horror and is described as “Comedy, mystery, blood, A-List voices, action, and puppets combine in the first-of-its-kind surrealistic horror/thriller.” Yep, I just ruined your day. 

FOLLOWERS / March 24, 2023 (VOD)

What starts as hilariously bad YouTube™ videos develops into a warning to the world about a shocking new strain of supernatural serial killer. Jonty, a failing influencer with an ambition to reach over a million followers, will stop at nothing to become famous. A new start at university brings with it hopes of a resurgence in his popularity when a demonic presence appears in his student house. Jonty decides to stream his and his housemates’ experiences with this supernatural entity to gain the fame and fortune he’s most been craving. But at what cost?

If you’re a failing influencer stopping at nothing to become famous, just let the supernatural serial killer do its job. We totally heart you supernatural serial killer. 

SMOKING CAUSES COUGHING / March 31, 2023 (Theaters, VOD)

“After a devastating battle against a diabolical giant turtle, the Tobacco Force is sent on a mandatory week-long retreat to strengthen their decaying group cohesion. Their sojourn goes wonderfully well until Lézardin, Emperor of Evil, decides to annihilate planet Earth.”

A weirdo movie made in France. Other weirdo French stuff — Brioche (expensive bread), Éclairs (expensive donut) and Mousse au chocolat (expensive chocolate pudding made with essence of rodeo moose).

Supersized Superheroes, Brain Suckers, Junkie Reptiles

There are superhero action figure fanatics and then there are mega superhero action figure fanatics. If you’re one of the latter, get ready to soil yourself: XM Studios™, makers of highly-coveted superhero models, have come out with a monolithic Justice League VS Darkseid diorama. Assembled, the stunningly detailed diorama will give your face an aghast expression. Kinda like shocked, but with more spit cup drool. 

From their website: “XM Studios™ is excited to present our 1:6 DC EPIC DIORAMA series, Justice League VS Darkseid! An epic battle scene diorama all DC fans should have in their collection, Justice League comprising of Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, The Flash, Aquaman, Green Lantern and Martian Manhunter engages in battle with one of Justice League’s main adversary and one of the most powerful being in the DC Multiverse, Darkseid.” 

A few specs: Limited to 338 pieces, the dimensions of this couch-sized diorama are 41.33” long x 30.70” wide x 33.46” tall and comes in three boxes, shipping from Singapore for $1,350.00. Not surprising given the combined weight of 116.85 lbs. Scary, but not as much as the price: $3,299.00. That’s the same for the color (or “colour”) and aged bronze versions (Limited to 100 pieces). Buy ’em here.

And while you’re trying to decide whether or not your car needs all that space in the garage that could be used to showcase this epic diorama, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may not have had a film budget of the Justice League diorama price tag…

SUCCUBA / Out now (Tubi™)

“An evil presence attaches to a lonely widower who intends to guard it for as long as he can.”

This happens all the time to the pension drunks who live at the Tug Tavern.

MIND LEECH / Out now (VOD)

“A very persuasive Leech is wreaking havoc in rural Provinstate, 1998. On a mission to expand its horizons, our influential invertebrate enlists the help of the local townsfolk. The police are soon on the tail of our pesky parasite.”

According to some flora ‘n fauna website I happened across, leeches are chiefly aquatic carnivorous or bloodsucking annelid worms. The leeches in my life don’t look like annelid worms (okay, some do), but they certainly are bloodsucking. And money-sucking. And energy-sucking. And suck-sucking.

CARNAL MONSTERS / February 28, 2023 (DVD,VOD)

“A group of friends go out for a day to cheer themselves up and come across the unconscious bodies of two girls outside of a nuclear facility. But the two girls turn out to be mad killers and they turn the pleasant day out into a nightmare. And did we mention the poison gas that was created by a mad scientist?”

Going out for the day to cheer themselves up with unconscious bodies outside a nuclear facility. Apparently, I’ve been doing this relaxing thing all wrong. 

ATTACK OF THE METH GATOR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“ A tweaker gator snorts up its stash and goes on a unacceptable social behavior rampage while looking to score. Things get even worse when Cocaine Bear shows up to do a few rails with the agitated alligator and all holy hell ensues. Spoiler alert: Detox Donkey makes a small, but essential cameo.”

The plot is fake, but the movie is real. Once again, Asylum Studios™ ripping off — and probably igniting — a flood of horror movies about drugged up animals. What’s next — OxyContin Owl? Ritalin Raccoon? Percoset Penguin?

Monochrome Kaiju, Purging Priest, Aliens Hate Raves

It was a huge national debate after the movie Godzilla (aka, Gojira) premiered in 1954 — is the monster green or some sort of skid mark brown? No one could tell as Godzilla was a black and white movie. (Given Godzilla’s reptile lineage, green was the side of the street most people stood on.)

Now, with the release of Mezco Toys™ Kaiju Collective Godzilla (1954) Black and White Edition Figure, the argument can finally be settled — the famous monster is…DARK GREY. And Mezco Toys™ is replicating our favorite colorless monster with this figure straight out of 1954.

From EntertainmentEarth’s press release (that’s where you can buy one or more for $140.00): “The Kaiju Collective Godzilla (1954) features an all-new seamless body designed with an internal skeleton armature that is durable yet highly posable, a hinged jaw that opens and closes, and is approximately 8” tall and 12” from teeth to tail. The beastly behemoth comes with interchangeable hands that allow him to hold his included accessories like a jet plane and railway. The included dilapidated building replicas, military tanks, canons, and heat ray FX assist in recreating a multitude of unique display options.” EntertainmentEarth.com is taking preorders (click here) for a December 2023 fulfillment date — just in time for me to be Christmas-gifted with one ‘o these action figures.  

So while we all purge our lives of all things hippie day-glo color and immerse ourselves in black and white (if it’s good enough for Godzilla, it’s good enough for EVERYONE), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you turn green or some sort of skid mark brown…

BOSTON STRANGLER / March 17, 2023 (Hulu™)

“Loretta McLaughlin, a reporter for the Record-American newspaper, becomes the first journalist to connect the Boston Strangler murders. As the mysterious killer claims more and more victims, Loretta attempts to continue her investigation alongside colleague and confidante Jean Cole, yet the duo finds themselves stymied by the rampant sexism of the era. Nevertheless, McLaughlin and Cole bravely pursue the story at great personal risk, putting their own lives on the line in their quest to uncover the truth.”

That super mean Boston Strangler guy murdered 13 women back in the ‘60s in Boston of all places. He (you already know who BS is) died in 1973, ironically from choking on Ladies’ Fingers.

THE POPE’S EXORCIST / April 14, 2023 (Theaters)

“Portrayal of a real-life figure Father Gabriele Amorth, a priest who acted as chief exorcist of the Vatican and who performed more than 100,000 exorcisms in his lifetime. (He passed away in 2016 at the age of 91.) Amorth wrote two memoirs — An Exorcist Tells His Story and An Exorcist: More Stories — and detailed his experiences battling Satan and demons that had clutched people in their evil.”

Some hellish math goin’ on here. If Father Gabriele Amorth performed more than 100,000 stated exorcisms during his 60 year+ headlining appearance at the Vatican Soul Food Bar & Grill, this means he would have had to do 1,666.666 demon-shooing procedures a year. That comes out to 4.56 exorcisms every day for six decades. No Saturday or Sunday nights off, no holidays, company parties or booze cruises. Just an assembly line of evil begone. 

Statistically, the Vatican’s “quantity over quality” chi-scrubbing means there’s likely a LOT of still demon-infected people who could have a case for a refund…and maybe some of those surprisingly delicious communion crackers priests love to hand out like blessed parking tickets.

COLD BLOWS THE WIND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Dean and Tasha’s first mistake was driving drunk. Their second, hitting a jogger. Their third, driving out to a remote location to bury the body. Tensions build between them as they can’t agree about anything along the way. When a mysterious visitor arrives offering not to tell anyone about the body they buried in exchange for protection, their night goes from bad to worse. Will the two of them be able to work together to make it back home? Or will the rift between them lead to even more horrific mistakes?”

Reminds me of the old joke: “If you don’t like the way I drive, then stay off the sidewalk.” A day doesn’t go by where I don’t LOL over that one.

BLUE LIGHT / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“Seven childhood friends excitedly embark on a road trip in an old RV to the coolest underground music festival out there – Blue Light. It will turn into a nightmare journey for which there is no U-turn for survival. They will carry the scars of the experience for the rest of their lives — if they survive.”

A UFO movie. So the gang sees the UFO, thinks it’s festival rave lights, and get out of the RV and start dancing like they were idiot-streaming on TikTok™. Horrified, the aliens see this, then vaporize the party-goers with some sort of hi-tech vape-o-beam. I just spoiled the plot for you. Sorry, not sorry.

Giant Screen Giant Monster, Accidental UFO, Psychiatric Demon

Godzilla is coming to town. But this time he’ll be a little less destructive on your real estate and moderately so on your wallet-sized purse. Fathom Events™ is bringing Godzilla: Tokyo SOS (2003) back to the big screen with some extras that’ll pop your corn.

From Fathom’s™ press release: “Godzilla is roaring back into theaters! Fathom Events™ and Toho International™, the Japanese studio’s U.S.-based subsidiary that brought classic Godzilla to life, announced today that Godzilla: Tokyo SOS is coming to theaters for the first time in the U.S. in celebration of the film’s 20th anniversary. This one-day-only event will take place on the big screen in over 600 theaters across the U.S. on March 22, 2023 and will feature the film with subtitles along with bonus content every fan will love, including a special showing of Godzilla vs. Gigan Rex, a short that debuted at the 2022 Japan Godzilla Festival as a sequel to G vs. G (2019).”

In case you never saw or heard of Godzilla: Tokyo SOS, here’s a plot snapshot: “Mothra and her fairies return to Japan to warn mankind that they must return Kiryu to the sea, for the dead must not be disturbed. However, Godzilla has survived to menace Japan leaving Kiryu as the nation’s only defense.” Amazing fun fact: “SOS” in Japan stands for “Sushi On A Shingle.”

While you flee to Fathom Events™ website to see if Godzilla will be stopping by your zip code (click this), here’s a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not be a fathomable event…

ACCIDENTAL TRUTH: UFO REVELATIONS / April 18, 2023 (VOD)

“The truth can no longer be contained by those duty-bound to hide it. Officials who interact with the public regarding the UFO question openly acknowledge that they know things that they can’t reveal. In Accidental Truth, the reality of an advanced intelligence engaging humanity becomes undeniably clear; You will witness revelations on UFOs/UAPs from government insiders that have never been previously shared with the public.”

Yesterday’s papers. We already know ETs have been coming here and interacting with our feces. The government should get a new job.

NEFARIOUS / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“On the day of his scheduled execution, a convicted serial killer gets a psychiatric evaluation during which he claims he is a demon. And further claims that before their time is over, the psychiatrist will commit three murders of his own.”

I think this one came out in theaters (limited) in April of 2022. I was having a psychiatric evaluation all that month, and missed it. Turns out I’m a demon!  

INVOKING YELL / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“Set in 1997 in the south of Chile, a trio of metal-head twenty-something girls venture into the woods to shoot a demo tape for their black metal band, Invoking Yell, while also documenting the eerie and unsettling process of recording electronic voice phenomena in the woods for the final track.”

I guess you could go in the woods to record electronic voice phenomena, though you run the risk of being punked by social media woodchuck secretly recording you recording him to post online. Who needs that in their life?

DARK WINDOWS / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“Four teenagers were involved in a car crash. One of them dies, and when the others are blamed for her death, they decide to stay at a summerhouse in the countryside to get out of town and work through their grief. Then a masked man starts to terrorize them.”

We already know what you did last summer. We seen the other movies with the exact same plot. Note to teens: stay in school, don’t do drugs and let the masked man do his job.

SoCal Vampires, Extra-Large Spiders, Trick or Treating Monsters

The Lost Boys remains a horror cult classic horror 36 years after its release in 1987. (Thank you, always dependable pocket calculator.) The plot: “After moving to Santa Carla (aka, Santa Cruz), a new town, two brothers discover that the area is a haven for vampires.” They forgot a few things. The Lost Boys featured heavy metal punk rock vampires, splatter that matters, unlicensed motorcycles, a boardwalk carnival with rotten candy, and a rock and/or roll soundtrack, which featured INXS, Roger Daltry and Echo And The Bunnymen. (What, no Bobby “Boris” Pickett redoing his 1962 hit song “Monster Mash” with freshened beats?)

Now you can visit The Lost Boys filming location in Santa Cruz, CA on September 8, 2023. From event organizer On Set Cinema’s press release: “Who’s ready to sleep all day, party all night, never grow old and never die? On-Set Cinema will be hosting very special blood-sucking screening of one of the most beloved horror cult classics of all time inside Cocoanut Grove, which is located on the infamous Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk where a ton of the movie takes place.”

And there’s more: “On-Set Cinema will take you on a filming locations walking tour to show fans where everything was filmed on the boardwalk, including the National Historic Looff Carousel where we’re first introduced to The Lost Boys; Max’s Video Store, where Michael and Star hangout; where the boys ride their motorcycles on the beach; the iconic Giant Dipper roller coaster, and more!” Tickets for this event cost $25.00 (for the movie’s screening and an event t-shirt) and $60.00, which includes all that walking tour stuff detailed above. Get tickets here.

While we go to vampfangs.com to get some stylin’ party teeth for this shindig, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made better by Bobby “Boris” Pickett singing in ‘em…

STING / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“One cold, stormy night in New York City, a mysterious object falls from the sky and smashes through the window of a rundown apartment building. It is an egg — and from it emerges a strange little spider. The creature is discovered by Charlotte, a rebellious 12-year-old girl obsessed with comic books. Keeping it as a secret pet, she names it Sting. As Charlotte’s fascination with Sting increases, so does its size. Growing at a monstrous rate, Sting’s appetite for blood becomes insatiable. Neighbors’ pets start to go missing, and then the neighbors themselves. Soon Charlotte’s family and the eccentric characters of the building realize that they are all trapped, hunted by a ravenous supersized arachnid with a taste for human flesh…and Charlotte is the only one who knows how to stop it.”

“Sting” is what you would name a bee or a pretentious British teabag rock star, not an arachnid. For a spider, how about, “Legs A. Plentee” or “Joe Bite’n”? It’s like horror move directors don’t even try anymore.

PERPETRATOR / Release pending 2023 (Shudder™)

“Jonny Baptiste is a reckless teen sent to live with her estranged Aunt Hildie. On her 18th birthday, she experiences a radical metamorphosis: a family spell called Forevering redefines her. When several teen girls go missing at her new school, a mythically feral Jonny goes after the Perpetrator.”

The term “Happy Hour” — with roots originating in the 13th Century — has been a Multiverseral tavern/cocktail lounge/7-Eleven™ parking lot reference every since. Time for an upgrade. I vote “Happy Hour” be changed to “The Forevering.” Has way more zing.

THE BARN PART II / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Three years have passed since Michelle escaped the events in Wheary Falls. However, she is still haunted by what happened that night on Halloween. Now in college, Michelle is in charge of the Gamma Tau Psi haunted house. Unfortunately, some uninvited trick-or-treating from her past is knocking on the door — and this time they’ve brought their friends.”

Monsters dressed as monsters on Halloween. Is that even legal?

MALUM / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A rookie police officer willingly takes the final shift at a newly decommissioned police station. She hopes to uncover the mysterious connection between her father’s death and a vicious cult, but throughout the night she’s thwarted by terrifying supernatural events that connect to her family’s twisted past.”

A note-for-note remake of 2014’s Last Shift, but with more notes added.

Bleeding Hearts, Alien Seafood, Apocalyptic Hangover

My Bloody Valentine, a horror (duh) movie about a vengeful maniac in mining gear who goes on a killing spree with a pickaxe, came out in 1981. An even gorier sequel came out in 2009 — in 3D no less — and featured an extended 360 degree viewable nude scene, which I felt was integral to the plot.

Artist Gary Pullen (aka, Ghoulish Gary) has designed a freaking cool MBV limited edition poster to celebrate Valentine’s Day with the vengeful maniac in mining gear. (I see what he did there — pretty clever.) Here are the details: 18” x 24” screen-print, features metallic inks, signed edition of 100 — $40.00. Warning: These are almost sold out. Get yours here before your hopes and dreams are shattered with pickaxe.

While the rest of us dust off our 3D glasses and re-watch My Bloody Valentine 3D (did I mention it has an extended 360 degree viewable nude scene?), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as date night-able as My Bloody Valentine… 

MONSTER OF THE DEEP / Out now (Youku™)

“Monster of the Deep is creature feature monster movie about an alien creature that looks like an octopus.”

The original title for this Chinese sci-fi horror flick is Deep Sea Big Fish. A rose by any other name.

NECROMANIACS / Out now (Goredrome™/ TetroVideo™)

“Dario and Maria are a young couple who share a mutual fascination for the dead and the macabre and nothing can stop them. The couple’s dreams will finally come true when he decides to make a special gift to his girlfriend.”

I bet it’s a handmade card with sparkly hearts indicating Dario’s love for his gal. That is so heartwarming.

THE CREEPING / March 3, 2023 (VOD)

“Due to a traumatic childhood experience Anna hasn’t returned home for many years. With her ailing grandmother suffering with worsening symptoms of dementia, Anna moves home to look after her. Soon after, strange things begin happening. Though benign at first, events soon escalate into a nightmarish fight for life against a malevolent presence. She discovers the ordeal is linked to a dark family secret, a tragic past that’s haunted Anna her whole life — and her grandmother’s fading memories could be the key to solving the mystery and surviving the nightmare.”

Trauma…dementia…dark family secrets…tragic past… Yeesh, this family is so f’d up, it could scare malevolent presence away.

SKAL — FIGHT FOR SURVIVAL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“My name’s Arthur, a huge Internet star who’s just hit three million subs. While in the midst of throwing an epic party to celebrate, the universe had the balls to bring on the effing apocalypse and cut my night short. What was supposed to be a perfect hangover, has turned into an epic fight for survival.”

They had me at perfect hangover.