Supersized Superheroes, Brain Suckers, Junkie Reptiles

There are superhero action figure fanatics and then there are mega superhero action figure fanatics. If you’re one of the latter, get ready to soil yourself: XM Studios™, makers of highly-coveted superhero models, have come out with a monolithic Justice League VS Darkseid diorama. Assembled, the stunningly detailed diorama will give your face an aghast expression. Kinda like shocked, but with more spit cup drool. 

From their website: “XM Studios™ is excited to present our 1:6 DC EPIC DIORAMA series, Justice League VS Darkseid! An epic battle scene diorama all DC fans should have in their collection, Justice League comprising of Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, The Flash, Aquaman, Green Lantern and Martian Manhunter engages in battle with one of Justice League’s main adversary and one of the most powerful being in the DC Multiverse, Darkseid.” 

A few specs: Limited to 338 pieces, the dimensions of this couch-sized diorama are 41.33” long x 30.70” wide x 33.46” tall and comes in three boxes, shipping from Singapore for $1,350.00. Not surprising given the combined weight of 116.85 lbs. Scary, but not as much as the price: $3,299.00. That’s the same for the color (or “colour”) and aged bronze versions (Limited to 100 pieces). Buy ’em here.

And while you’re trying to decide whether or not your car needs all that space in the garage that could be used to showcase this epic diorama, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may not have had a film budget of the Justice League diorama price tag…

SUCCUBA / Out now (Tubi™)

“An evil presence attaches to a lonely widower who intends to guard it for as long as he can.”

This happens all the time to the pension drunks who live at the Tug Tavern.

MIND LEECH / Out now (VOD)

“A very persuasive Leech is wreaking havoc in rural Provinstate, 1998. On a mission to expand its horizons, our influential invertebrate enlists the help of the local townsfolk. The police are soon on the tail of our pesky parasite.”

According to some flora ‘n fauna website I happened across, leeches are chiefly aquatic carnivorous or bloodsucking annelid worms. The leeches in my life don’t look like annelid worms (okay, some do), but they certainly are bloodsucking. And money-sucking. And energy-sucking. And suck-sucking.

CARNAL MONSTERS / February 28, 2023 (DVD,VOD)

“A group of friends go out for a day to cheer themselves up and come across the unconscious bodies of two girls outside of a nuclear facility. But the two girls turn out to be mad killers and they turn the pleasant day out into a nightmare. And did we mention the poison gas that was created by a mad scientist?”

Going out for the day to cheer themselves up with unconscious bodies outside a nuclear facility. Apparently, I’ve been doing this relaxing thing all wrong. 

ATTACK OF THE METH GATOR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“ A tweaker gator snorts up its stash and goes on a unacceptable social behavior rampage while looking to score. Things get even worse when Cocaine Bear shows up to do a few rails with the agitated alligator and all holy hell ensues. Spoiler alert: Detox Donkey makes a small, but essential cameo.”

The plot is fake, but the movie is real. Once again, Asylum Studios™ ripping off — and probably igniting — a flood of horror movies about drugged up animals. What’s next — OxyContin Owl? Ritalin Raccoon? Percoset Penguin?

Digging Up Mummies

First in an action-packed early model Mexican sci-fi horror trilogy, Attack of the Aztec Mummy (aka, La Momia Azteca/1957) pits the gauze god getting in a Texas ballet with the clearly mad scientist Dr. Krupp (he eats his lines like Jaws eats a human bologna sandwich).

The Mummy (whose pre-interred name is Popoca) then goes on to again chop unfinished beef with Krupp in Curse of the Aztec Mummy (aka, La Maldición de la Momia Azteca/1957). And yes, it was over a girl and some sort of ornamental chestware you’d might find in Dollar Tree stores. (They’re in the back.)

Not able to just let it go, Popoca locks up with a mechanical adversary in The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy (La Momia Azteca contra el Robot Humano/ 1958). Who’s he gonna pick a fight with next — Johnson & Johnson™ Band-Aids vs. The Aztec Mummy)? Maybe it has something to with the fact he’s been dead for so long, he bleeds dust and he didn’t sleep well the last few thousand nights.

Not related to this gripping tale of dead-and-yet-not antihero’s speechless tirades is Wrestling Women vs. The Aztec Mummy (aka, Las Luchadoras contra la Momia/1964), in which the Mumster takes on street gangs, more evil scientists and…GALS THAT GRAPPLE! Guess who won? And you better not say evil scientist.

On an interesting or “interesante” P.S. note, all three Aztec Mummy movies were filmed back to back, probably so as to not let the mummy get all uptight and subsequently unwound. Heh. 

Zombie Cartoons, Undead Dinosaurs, All Purpose Evil

From artist Joe Gallimore comes a wicked cool mash-up with Michael Myers from Halloween (1978) and the infamous Friday the 13th VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989) key art, which was actually banned back in the day by the New York City Tourism committee. (All Republicans, no doubt.)

While we still wait for the New York City Tourism committee to pull their heads out of their Port Authority, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not get banned…

ZOMBIOLOGY (available now)
“When a monster from a popular animated show appears and starts a zombie outbreak, it’s up to eccentric duo Lung and Chi-Yeung to stand up and fight the horde of the recently deceased, and save their friends from all around chaos!”

I wish more cartoon characters would come to life and cause chaos. Just think of what Scooby Doo could do to/on your lawn.

THE INCANTATION (available now)
“A young American girl has a chance of a lifetime to visit her ancestors castle in the south of France, only to find that her family is hiding deep, dark secrets about their nefarious past, far away from prying eyes.”

YET ANOTHER family with deep, dark secrets. Got me thinking about my own family and what secrets THEY might be hiding. Time to kick down the door of the ‘ol ancestral outhouse and see if there’s a nefarious stuff laying around.

THE JURASSIC DEAD (Summer, 2018)
“A unit of mercenaries must team up with a group of tech-geek students after American is struck with an EMP attack. Deep in the desert, they find the source of the terror, a mad scientist who has also just created a living dead T-Rex dinosaur, one who turns everyone it attacks into a zombie. Now they must scramble to stay alive and save the planet from the ultimate undead predator.”

Hate to whiz in your punchbowl, but there was a zombie dinosaur movie before this: Z-Rex: The Jurassic Dead (2016). Maybe they know each other or are cousins on their mother’s side. Or it could be a simple case of plagiarism. Best to consult the family paleontologist.

TORMENTED (2018)
“A tragic car accident leads a family into a nightmare of supernatural terror as an ancient evil haunts their dreams.”

Supernatural terror and ancient evil go hand in hand, like peanut butter and Cheetos™. What, you’ve never tried peanut butter on Cheetos™? Like supernatural terror and ancient evil, they’re to die for.

Wailing Wolf-Man

If you’ve seen 1964’s Face of the Screaming Werewolf and walked away confused as all heck, you’re not alone — Screaming Werewolf, made from parts of several different movies (La Momia Azteca/1957 and La Casa del Terror/1959), is a screaming mess, beside the fact it would’ve been better titled as The Screaming Werewolf Face. (Personal preference.)

The movie starts out with doctor-esque archaeologist guys hypnotizing a psychic chic (psy-chic — heh) who life regressions herself as a sacrificial Aztec test dummy. This leads the history dudes to an Aztec pyramid, where they discover and bring back a two mummies (but no daddies — heh). Right here we have several problems — one of the crusty corpses is the sacrificed Aztec gal and the other a regular guy who happens to be a werewolf. How an American werewolf ended up mummified in Mexico is just part of this “movie’s” abstract premise. (Must’ve been a heckuva booze cruise, though.)

So they bring the mummies back and a mad scientist, whose lab is located through a secret door in the back of a horror wax museum, applies volts to jolt the man mummy back to life. With only a meager supply of electricity, the experiment fails. Nature steps in, supplying lightning and one heck of a utility bill. Prior to the power-up, his face looked he fell asleep in a bowl of pancake batter. And because it’s a full moon, his moon-beamed mug becomes covered in fur where there was no fur before. Nothin’ left to do now but go on a choking spree.

The werewolf runs out into traffic and doesn’t bark at even one car. Then he makes a girl faint, throws her over his shoulder like a sack of pancake flour brought to market, and climbs up the side of an apartment building, all the while being climb-pursued by one of the scientists. Then the werewolf climbs through a window and comes all the way back down to the street using the stairs. (He probably didn’t want to wait for the elevator.)

Meanwhile, the Aztec mummy comes back to life and goes after the psychic woman. The werewolf, now slingin’ a different chick who really put up a fight and even smashed a decorative vase over the monster’s head, brings her back to the wax museum. I have no idea why. The scientist throws chemicals around like holy water, starts a fire and battles the werewolf. Somehow the werewolf is bested and catches fire, which makes him turn back into man form, his shirt still buttoned tucked in as if prepping for a school photo. The cops show up to dismiss the numerous “werewolf” sightings as just a simple case of a man burning on the floor in front of them.

The werewolf looked werewolf-y enough, but his upper fangs were grimy and his lower fangs Pepsodent™ bright. He wore a belt to hold up his freshly ironed britches and kept shoes on the entire time. They were neatly tied. Didn’t know werewolves to be such fastidious dressers. Too bad the filmmaker didn’t follow suit. (Heh.)

Alien Superman

Our first glimpse of Supersonic Man, a decidedly stylish superhero, is in his Speedo™. (Is it a swim suit? Underwear? Men’s bathhouse recreational attire?) SSM is rousted out of a science induced death sleep by his space boss to put some pants on and go to the planet Earth (you may have heard of the place) and save them from that butt hook mad scientist, Dr. Gulik, who wants to take over the world. He smokes, so clearly he’s evil.

Supersonic Man’s lunar name is Kronos (on Earth he just goes by Paul/Supersonic) and is an alien or “extraterrestrial.” Because he’s handsome and exhibits advanced grooming techniques, he’s the RIGHT CHOICE to go after Gulik (pronounced “goo lick”) and his tricked out robot. SS’s crime fighting clothes (once he finally put ‘em on) is a red ensemble with blue cape and matching boots and cowl. Think Superman in reverse, though SS Man’s uniform matches more closely those worn in the 1967 Italian adventure, The Three Fantastic Supermen. But clothes don’t make the man; Kronos has a job to do, colorful pants or not.

Dr. Gulik has a gang that wears the same clothes. His robot is bedazzled with all sorts of dials, knobs, wires and blinking lights. Clearly this thing is a formidable foe. So the first thing Supersonic does is take to the skies, flying around New York with a stern look on his face. Clearly, his expression indicates he does not approve of crime or power mad scientists.

Gulik instructs his henchmen (referred to as drunken bums) to kidnap a renowned science professor AND his supermodel daughter. This upsets Supersonic’s tummy. He rescues her in and here’s where his other super powers come into play — he switches back to being a “Clark Kent” and talks her into going out to dinner. She does. Score!

The rest is predictable if you know anything at all about superhero movies. One thing that sets Supersonic apart, though — he steals booze. Yep, while on a home cooked dinner date with Patricia (the professor’s hot daughter), he “forgets” the champagne and goes out to his vehicular to get it.

It’s here he changes into Supersonic, flies into town, goes into an Italian restaurant kitchen and grabs a couple of bottles of the good stuff — and just walks out without paying for it! The scene of him flying back to Patty’s pad with the champagne in his gloved hands is the stuff of legend. More so when he gives a bottle of beer to a drunken bum and keeps the bubbly for himself. He truly is indeed a superhero.

There’s a really funny twist at the end involving a drunken bum and the UFO sent to retrieve Supersonic after his mission is completed. It’s a nice cherry on top of a tasty superhero sundae.

Final note: The starring role of Supersonic Man (1979) was played by two guys — Kronos (the guy in the costume) and Paul, the ladies’ man with an impeccably maintained mustache. You think he was gonna shave that thing off to fight crime? You must be out of your mind.

Animal People

A mad scientist (okay, not really mad, but maybe a bit peeved) lives on an island where he’s been experimenting turning humans into animals, or “manimals.” Sound familiar? It should — Twilight People (1972) is an unintentionally cheesy second attempt at adapting the 1896 H.G. Wells’ novel, The Island of Dr. Moreau, the first swing being Island of Lost Souls in 1932. (Note to manimals: Dr. Moreau was remade two more times — in 1977 and yet again in 1996, both with equally laughable results.)

Professionally handsome Matt Farrell was out skin diving when he’s caught and pulled out of the sea like the catch of the day. He’s brought to an island where Dr. Gordon, in a huge mansion with spare dungeon, has been making animal/human hybrids to create a super race to outlive Earth’s eventual demise via war, pollution and 7-Eleven™ Truckstopper microwave burritos. Gordon’s plan is to use Matt’s physical and intellectual superiority to advance his medical aspirations.

Assisting Dr. Gordon is Neva, his supermodel daughter, who falls under the spell of Matt’s overpowering handsomeness. But Gordon’s henchmen, led by the cocky, gun-happy Steinman (even his name sounds arrogant), wants Matt shot in his good looks.

The animals are the real stars, though. There’s a panther woman, an antelope man, a bat man, an ape man, a wolf woman and a tree woman, Gordon’s first attempt at combining plant DNA with a human. The result? Oops.

An epic chase scene wraps things up when Matt and Neva escape with the manimals while Steinman pursues with meaningful gunfire. The fun explodes when the hybrids, now released back into the wild, do what animals do — after a few pooper scooper moments, of course. Can you blame them?

The manimals fight back, ripping faces and throats while Matt and Steinman settle their differences. But it’s when Darmo the bat man regains his ability to fly that the movie — and his revenge on Dr. Gordon — is the money shot. The overhead dive bomb view is so classic, he could give pointers to gangsta seagulls.

P.S. You can be highly entertained by Twilight People on YouTube™ for free.

Doctor to the Monsters

House of Dracula (1945) is the cash-in sequel to House of Frankenstein (1944). Sadly, Co-op of The Creature and Duplex of the Damned never got off the drawing board. Dang it all to heck.

In HoD, Dracula (aka, Baron Latos) is fed up with being a vampire and seeks the medical acumen of castle-dwelling Dr. Franz Edelmann. No word on whether or not Dracula got a referral from his primary care physician.

Doc Edelmann, aided by two nurse assistants (one is a supermodel, the other a hunchback who looked like she just had her bra on backward), tells Dracula that he’s been experimenting with clavaria formosa, a plant whose spores have the ability to reshape bone. (Sorry skeletons; doesn’t work on you.) And with a series of blood transfusions, he can cure the quitter vampire. (P.S. The blood comes from Edelmann himself. Put that up there in the Top 5 malpractices suits of all time.)

The doc must’ve left his “walk-ins welcome” sign on because Larry Talbot – the Wolf Man – also shows up, begging the doc to find a cure for his lycanthropy. (Geez, who’s next – the Mummy needing his Band-Aids™ changed?)

As we all know, Talbot hates being a werewolf because of all that primal need to kill stuff. The doc theorizes that Larry’s wolf-y upgrade is not due to the moon’s influence, but there’s pressure on his brain that, with a little open head surgery and some science mold spores from the same plant, he can cure the fur.

Of course, all of this goes to heck in a hand basket. During the transfusion, Dracula punks the doc and Nurse Hunchback by hypnotizing them and reversing the blood flow, thereby infecting Edelmann with Type-Oh No Negative. Now the doc’s a vampire that runs around town making work for the coroner.

Somehow they wedge Frankenstein’s monster into the mix. Why not? In for a penny, in for a pound. While F’s monster doesn’t really do anything except lumber around like it was last call, it’s the now evil doc who needs to taste the wrath of torches and rakes wielded by hangman jury-esque villagers.

Dracula, wearing a top hat indoors (how rude), is hammy and seems to be phoning it in. Larry Talbot sports a mustache (like he freakin’ needs more hair on his face). The doc – in both care giver and care taker form – gets most of the screen time (and will no doubt bill you for it). The hunchback nurse is killed and her body tossed in a cave hole. (I had a hunch that would happen. Heh.) And Frankenstein’s monster, who locked it up with Larry in Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man (1943), gets the raw end of the electrode YET AGAIN, and goes up in flames with the rest of the castle in the movie’s rushed climax/ending. He’ll be back.

P.S. Wolf Man and Frankenstein’s M were reunited in 2009’s House of the Wolf Man. Those two just can’t seem to get along. Maybe they should try regular therapy instead of shock therapy.

Monstrous Minnows

So the government-funded “Razorteeth” project to assist with the Vietnam war was kind of a not-so-much. The plan was to dump a bunch of “super breed” piranha in North Vietnam swimming pools and let nature take its course. (All the had to do was give a bunch of little kids all the Kool-Aid™ they could drink, put ‘em in the waterways and let nature take its course. Problem solved.)

Two horny teens, out looking for a place to get their horn on, happen across a vacated military installation, and find a pool/fish hatchery. Off go the clothes, in go the appetizers. Have you ever seen a hot dog eating contest? The teens are the hot dogs and the genetically-engineered piranha are the contestants.

Later, when not so much as a crumb of the teens can’t be found, an insurance investigator happens across the compound, finds the pools drainage switch, and empties it…right into Lost River Lake, where a filled-to-capacity resort and summer camp waits for their turn on the hot plate. If you’ve seen Jaws (1975), you know it goes from here.

Menu items include summer camp kids, pets, and lakeside resort guests… The plan, though, isn’t to stop the piranha from eating anything that sticks its pink toes and fingers into the water, but rather to keep them from reaching the ocean. (Saved for Piranha II: The Spawning/1981.) That’s the military for you. Cut your losses, think outside the box, look at the big picture.

The piranha are only seen as toothy blurs, driven into voracious hunger frenzy by tasty floaters (think oyster crackers in tomato soup). When you do get to see one up close for a second, it looks like the chest-burster from Alien (1979). Same facial expression, anyway. They’re probably cousins. Elsewhere, some token female nudity, which is pretty much required in order to hold your interest in this one-punchline joke. I liked it, though. The female nudity, not the fish.

Bang A Kong

Word of warning before you run low on brain juice and think watching King of Kong Island (1968) is a good idea: The “king” part is in reference to a overloaded-on-brain-juice mad scientist who operates on gorillas and implants radio transmitters in their heads, presumably to create a legion of monkey butlers. Secondly…THERE IS NO ISLAND!

So yeah, misleading as all get out. What this Italian made “horror” movie is turns out to be a slow-moving mess of people spontaneously shooting each other so many times, there’s hardly anyone left by the time it ends.

What King of Kong Island has (that they barely used) is a 97% naked ape woman (feral kid raised by gorillas), wearing only a loin cloth and long black hair that annoyingly sticks to her boobular area. And she has a Pepsodent™ smile so white, her teeth glow in the direct Nairobi (where this film really was) sunlight. Maybe bananas are natural tooth whiteners. Better go buy some. Bananas come from Nairobi, yes?

A wasteful way to while away the time until Kong: Skull Island comes out in March, 2017. That one has a real island and a real Kong, that mythic monkey monster in a big-budget/big screen reboot. Just the trailer alone is so awesome, the movie studio should be charging us to watch it.

Sensual Brazilian Space Bug

Zombie mosquitoes? Sure, I’ll bite. (Heh.) How could I turn down a premise – and a title like Mosquitoid (aka, The Mosquito Alien – Nights of Terror)?

This mash-up comes from Brazil, where there are lots of zombie mosquitoes all over the place. The Internet verified that with poorly written eyewitness accounts from hobo drunks. But before you book your vacation to South America, know that Mosquitoid is in the early stages of production, relying on crowd-funding to get across the finish line.

Need a pitch? Mosquitoid is about a giant mosquito from Planet Endfly, who finds a crack in a black hole in space and comes to Planet Earth. When he comes to Ribeirão Preto, a city that is experiencing an epidemic of the same mosquito because of the excess of still water, he promotes chaos. Mosquitoid’s venom first kills then turns the dead into zombie mosquitoes that attack the city’s population.”

“The mosquito goes through numerous funny situations because of his personalities: mad scientist, drag queen, clumsy soldier, sensual colonel, crazy hippie, space warrior… All this is washed down with very black humor, blood and some sensuality.”

That last paragraph easily describes many people I’ve seen in many dive bars. Except for the sensuality. There is nothing sensual about hobo drunks.

While you can personally help fund Mosquitoid (IndieGoGo.com), just know that an Alien Mosquitoid made its first appearance on 2012 as a sci-fi action figure in Lego’s™ Galaxy Squad™ series. (Mosquitoid also shows up in the Swarm Interceptor, Warp Stinger and Bug Obliterator sets.)

I have no idea why I know this. Apparently the words “get a life” don’t mean a thing to me.