Glazed Gorilla, Bearly Evil, Ghost Criminals

In King Kong vs. Godzilla, the 1962 kaiju classic dust up, there was the hilariously memorable and infamous scene where Kong gets drunk as a mecha-skunk and passes out, his bar tab covered by jungle natives. This is so he can be taken passively to Japan for promotional purposes and ends up in a smackdown with Godzilla, who is a total teetotaler. (The outcome depended on whether you live in the US or Japan.) Now you can get a Drunk Kong action (or would that be non-action) figure and get your jungle boogie on.

From TemptingToysandCollectibles.com website: “Rotokaiju drunk King Kong 1962 30cm Vinyl figure fully built and painted (made in 2020). This limited version was completely built and painted by the manufacturer and has the ‘drunk’ Kong face and three Suma Juice jars.” Drunk Kong stands 12” inches tall — or 12” long when he’s laying in the gutter, stinking of Suma Juice highballs. That’s the fun news. The opposite of that is Drunk Kong costs $1,999.00. (Conversely, a six-pack of Suma Juice is only $1.00._ Spend your money here.

The way they transport Drunk Kong off Faro Island was genius, strapping him to hot air balloons and gently escorting the drunky monkey off the premises. FYI: If you plan on chugging down a few jars of Suma Juice (called Soma Juice on the box and Farolacton Juice on Kong’s island), be sure and have a designated balloon handler to get you home — don’t drink and float.

So while we head to the Faro Island’s corner liquor store to stock up on Farolacton Juice and become a party animal, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your head swell up like a balloon…

ADALYNN / March 28, 2023 (VOD)

“A mother is fighting postpartum depression and slipping over the edge. It becomes hard to distinguish where depression ends and her nightmares turn real as she and her newborn are haunted by a stalker unlike any other.”

Probably a demonic nanny/babysitter. I had one. She let me get away with murder.

NIGHT OF THE KILLER BEARS / April 18, 2023 (VOD)

“After not seeing each other for a long time, five teenage friends living in Bangkok go on a vacation together, staying at a quiet resort isolated from the city. Things take a dark turn when it’s revealed each of them have hidden secrets, and unbeknown to the group, there is someone observing them. When one of them ends up brutally murdered, paranoia and distrust surrounds the group, motivating each remaining member to accuse each other of being the murderer or considering the possibility that the real murderer is the unseen presence observing them, and that they all are in danger.”

Bears are the new sharks in horror movies recently, what with the moderate successes of Cocaine Bear (2023), Winnie-The-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023). But for really scare bears, that chemical pollution-mutated one in The Prophecy (1979) and the alien-mutated one in Annihilation (2018) are both pretty…grizzly.

LEGEND OF THE WHITE DRAGON / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Erik Reed, The White Dragon, has returned home to Virtuo City three years later after being defeated in a colossal battle against the ancient overlord, Ashtagor. The crystal he used to become the White Dragon was broken in two as a result of the epic battle, both pieces were subsequently lost. Being blamed for the destruction and collateral lives lost, his identity was outed after the battle thus making him a fugitive from the law. We now follow Erik on his journey as he teams up with treasure hunters from the past who help him reclaim his power as the White Dragon. Once reunited with his powers, he and his team are now ready to battle a new threat, Dragon Prime, who seeks revenge against the White Dragon and try and defeat Dragon Prime in order to get one step closer to clearing his name and being able to protect his family from an ancient evil that still lurks in the darkness — Ashtagor.”

A lot going on here. Then again, the trailer explodes with spaceships, punching violence, future bikinis, ancient overlords with dumb names, revenge glares and costumes that look more at home in a 1980s video game. So yeah, I’ll watch the movie.

DEADLAND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A U.S. Border Patrol Agent tries to apprehend the ghost of his father, a grave decision that will haunt him forever.”

Related or not, ghost criminals are the worst because it’s near to impossible to keep ’em in jail, what with being able to walk through walls ’n stuff.

Chinese Beasts, G-Rated Zombies, Halloween Purge

Ever see a sci-fi/fantasy movie trailer that just messes with what’s left of your mind? Give the now-available via limited theatre release Hanson and the Beast (2018) a spin. From China (but now available in the States), HatB just came out several days ago (as of this e-barfing) and might just very well get the WTF award of the month, if not year.

From the press release: “Yuan Shuai, a debt-ridden animal-breeder, tries to get out of his financial predicament by finding a wealthy girlfriend through matchmaking dates. He unexpectedly meets and fall in love with the fox demon, Bai Xianchu, who has arrived to the mortal realm to repay her gratitude. However, the head of the Demon tribe Yun Zhonghe forbids a love relationship between a demon and a human; and takes Bai Xianchu away. To seek his lover, Yuan Shuai bravely crashes the demonic world.”

Human/animal hybrids, pseudo vampires, rom-comedy, possible bestiality power smooching… Man, this sounds like a night out at The Poggie Tavern, besides the fact I didn’t understand a dang thing about it. Watch the trailer and see if you can figure it out. It’s pretty crazy and loaded with WTF. P.S. No one named Hanson in the movie as far as I can tell. Probably not a traditional Chinese name.

While we’re waiting for a non-subtitled version, here are  few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that you probably won’t have to read…

DIVERGE (February 6, 2018)
“In the aftermath of a mysterious pandemic that’s turned cities into wastelands, a man desperately searches for a way to cure his ailing wife as she battles a deadly virus. When he is captured by a cryptic stranger, he is offered the chance to save not only his wife but the world.”

I thought our cities were already wastelands. As for a way to treat the guy’s sick spouse, liquor stores have to the cure to “whatever ALES you.” Heh. If I had a chance to save the world, though, I’d take a pass. But Uranus? I’ve got yer back, man. Okay, that came out all wrong.

ZOMBIES (February 16, 2018/Disney Channel)
“Seabrook is a suburban town obsessed with tradition, conformity, football, and cheerleading, but they’re in for a major shake-up when students from Zombietown transfer to Seabrook High and struggle to coexist alongside human students. When a fierce cheerleader, Addison, and zombie football star, Zed, become friends, they partner to help unite their school and community.”

Warning: This one is gonna show up on the Disney Channel, which means, no graphic gut-ripping rodeos or intestinal roping contests. And if you have the Disney Channel, why the h*ck are you reading this blog?

ANNIHILATION (February 23, 2018)
“A female biologist signs up for a dangerous, secret expedition where the laws of nature don’t apply.”

Where’s she going — a Taco Bell™ restroom? I don’t care what scientists claim, the only Law of Nature that applies in Taco Bell™ is that what goes in must come out — and that result, paradoxically, is against the ALL the Laws of Nature.

BAD APPLES (February, 2018)
“It’s Halloween night, and two ‘bad apples’ decide to play some wicked tricks on the one house in a suburban cul-de-sac that is not celebrating Halloween. They terrorize a young couple in their home and these tricks become increasingly more sinister as the night progresses, finally ending in a Halloween the entire neighborhood will never forget.”

Sounds like someone is handing out razor-filled avocados instead of the traditional spiked candy treats. That’d p*ss me off, too.