Frolicking Kaiju, Clay Sharks, Teenage Death Trap

Going back to the medieval days of 1997, there were three-minute campy film shorts under the title of Godzilla Island (250 in all), but you had to temporarily visit and/or live in Japan to see ’em. But wait — you can watch ’em on YouTube™ in the US for free right now. And yes, they’re subtitled. Whew — now I can understand the screaming of fleeing Japanese citizens in a language I’m somewhat familiar with.

Behold — the details: “Travel to Godzilla Island and enjoy the antics of your favorite kaiju such as Mothra, Rodan, Ghidorah, and of course, Godzilla in the 1997 short-form series. The year is 2097. Monsters live and frolic on Godzilla Island under the watchful eye of G Guard, a human peacekeeping force. But with a massive, belligerent UFO heading straight for the island, how long can that peace last? Episodes of Godzilla Island will be released every Tuesday and Thursday (click here).”

While we contemplate what a belligerent UFO is exactly, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be better suited in a three-minute format… 

THE RESURRECTION OF CHARLES MANSON / March 16, 2023 (VOD)

“A couple goes to the desert for a romantic weekend and shoots an audition for a role in an upcoming film. Their holiday quickly turns deadly as they are the target of a cult that carries on the evil beliefs and murderous practices of the Manson Family. This cult believes they can resurrect the ultimate object of their obsession — Charles Manson himself — through a shocking ritual of human sacrifice.”

All quality cults live in the desert. And the woods. And that scummy apartment building right next to mine.

JURASSIC SHARK 3: SEAVENGE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A reporter, cameraman, and some petty thieves are stranded in a boat out on the ocean. The only thing that stands between them and their lives is a 50-foot prehistoric megalodon shark. They must all pull together to survive.”

According to my investigative research (Wikipedia™), the estimated maximum length of a megalodon is 67 feet. This means this movie’s megalodon, at 50 feet long, is a bit on the short side. In other words, this shark is a…shrimp.

COCAINE SHARK / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A mafia drug lord has unleashed a new, highly addictive stimulant on the streets called HT25, derived from sharks held captive in a secret lab, and which causes monstrous side effects. After an explosion and leak at the lab, an army of mutated, bloodthirsty sharks and other creatures are set loose on the world as a small band of people try to stop the carnage.”

I watched the trailer — the mutated bloodthirsty sharks are made of clay. Highly addictive clay.

THE WRATH OF BECKY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Two years after she escaped a violent attack on her family, Becky attempts to rebuild her life in the care of an older woman — a kindred spirit named Elena. But when a group known as the ‘Noble Men’ break into their home, attack them, and take her beloved dog, Diego, Becky must return to her old ways to protect herself and her loved ones.”

Kinda like Home Alone (1990), but with more slaughtering.

Spicy Godzilla, Evil Facelift, Dept. of Demon Sanitation

The secret of Godzilla’s atomic breath isn’t radiation — it’s hot sauce. Specifically, his own brand of hot sauce, available in a variety of citizen-melting heat signatures: The Death Song of Three Storms, Dark Gaseous Nebula of the Orion, Malicious Dreams of the Electric Deity…16 in all. And you can get the Godzilla Hot Sauce Collector’s Set of Series 1, 2 and 3 for a Mothra-stomping $235.00. So yeah, full-on taste bud obliteration.

But why stop with the hot sauces when you can Godzilla Coffee (six pack: $100), Godzilla Hot Cocoa (three pack: $35), Godzilla BBQ (two bottle: $35) and/or the Series 1 Godzilla Dry Rub five-pack ($50), which includes Rodan’s Born of Fire Sweet ‘n Smoky Chipotle Rub, Ebirah’s Red Bamboo Cajun Spice and King Ghidorah’s Living Storm of Rage Everything Bagel Seasoning.

Or how about a sampler set from GodzillaFood.com’s mouth-busters for $140, which includes: Godzilla’s Doom Inevitable Hot Sauce, Odo Island Coffee Blend, Godzilla’s Monster Zero-One Burger Rub, Godzilla’s Power to Restore Balance Matcha Tea, Godzilla’s Ultimate BBQ Sauce, Godzilla’s King of the Salsas Original Salsa, Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla Chocolate Cocoa, and an exclusive Godzilla T-shirt. 

While you clear out your pantry (fancy word for “cupboard”) to make room for all of these monster staples, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as tasty as Biollante’s Mutated Rose: Bell Pepper Rose Habanero Sauce…

DEMONIC PLASTIC SURGEON M.D. / Out now (VOD)

“At an elderly people’s home, a demonic plastic surgeon has been summoned. And soon, they will all be due a make over.”

What kind of “makeover” would an elderly person want? Wrinkle tuck? Blue hair implants? Vicks VapoRub™ face peel? 

THE CULT OF HUMPTY DUMPTY / Out now (VOD)

“A group of troubled teen girls and their teacher must fight for survival after discovering a cult has brought Humpty Dumpty, a killer doll, back to life and set loose on the camp where they are staying.”

I thought Humpty Dumpty was an egg. I’d prefer a serial killing breakfast food than YET ANOTHER doll with a knife.

THEY DON’T CAST SHADOWS / January 2, 2023 (VOD)

“Lisa McGrath is a high school girl given a supernatural gift allowing her to see angels and demons. With the help of a mysterious boy, Lisa finds romance and danger as they fight alongside angels to rid her hometown of demons.”

My hometown rid of its resident evil when they banished me from that particular zip code. Fine by me — that place was a real gas station toilet, which ironically, was the name of my former hood.

BRING OUT THE FEAR / January 3, 2023 (VOD)

“A couple struggles to mend their fractured relationship. However, when they become trapped in a foreboding forest that refuses to let them escape, they quickly find that they have much bigger problems.”

Bigfoot would make a good marriage counselor. Just sayin’.

Melodic Monsters, Demon Dentures, Inflatable Mummy

Godzilla is into classic rock. King Ghidorah prefers industrial metal. And that f’n lunatic Rodan is punk rock all day long. But Mothra, the Queen of Monsters, is all about classical music, which suits her “maestoso” destructive nature. And now you can air conduct an orchestra along to Mondo’s™ original motion picture score (or “soundtrack”) releases of Rebirth of Mothra 2 (1997) and Rebirth of Mothra 3 (1998). Destroying Japan never sounded so dolce.

Composed by Toshiyuki Watanabe and available any day now (click here) on the Death Waltz Recording Co. label, both come with the options of Mosur Wings vinyl or Eco vinyl (Mothra is known for being eco-friendly, but not to ecosystems), are 140 gram vinyl housed inside a silver laminate reflective gatefold jacket, numbered edition of 2000, and sell for $35 each pre-tax/shipping. 

While you’re getting ready for these symphonies of destruction, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not meet your eco-concerns…

HELL ON THE SHELF / Out now (YouTube™)

“An antique Christmas elf doll holds the key to decades of pent-up evil and anger from beyond the grave. Three paranormal investigators are hired by a desperate real estate agent to cleanse a house or find the reason why no tenant stays very long in the ominous structure. Over the course of three nights, the team discovers more about the supernatural happenings than they care to uncover.”

I’ve actually hired paranormal investigators to cleanse my house. They do a great job of ridding the bathroom of evil odors. 

TOOTH FAIRY 5: PREMOLARS (aka, DRILL TO KILL) / Out now (YouTube™)

“Sammy, a surviving teacher, rejoins her colleagues back at work. After hearing some odd noises around the classrooms Sammy feels she is being watched. When she hears the familiar knocking at the door she realizes her nightmare is not over.”

YET ANOTHER example of a movie title being better than the movie.

THE MUMMY RESURRECTION / December 26, 2022 (VOD)

“When a cursed Egyptian sarcophagus falls into corrupt hands, the new owner becomes obsessed with the perfectly preserved mummified princess contained within and concocts a scheme to bring her back to life. But to do so requires human blood. Joining up with his medical student cousin, the duo undertake horrific experiments that inadvertently unleash pure evil.”

All that effort over a preserved princess when you could just mail-order one. They’re advertised as “adult-sized, life-like love dolls,” though.

THE MACABRE / Release pending 2022/2023 (VOD)

“Shy girl Molly is having a party. She’s inviting her school bullies and has planned one hell of a night. After a party trick goes horribly wrong, each guest is forced into a macabre game of life and death by an ancient demon who forces them to tell horrifying stories.”

This being one of ‘em.

Kaiju Banners, Plagued Writers, Violent Violinist

Continuing to geek out on the onslaught of Godzilla: King of the Monsters marketing, this time a series of banner posters, giving us an up close and personal look at the kaiju battle royale heading our way on May 31, 2019. Note: Rodan looks like my neighbor’s crack-addicted parrot.

In case you need a distraction from all this dizzying giant monster promo, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as entertaining as a crack-addicted parrot…

ALONE (2019)
“A writer seeking peace and solitude in the countryside in an attempt to recover from tragedy and finish her book. However, as the welcoming country house turns into a living hell, she soon realizes that her inner demons are not the worst of her problems.”

So is she being plagued by ghosts? Werewolves? Bigfoot? Raccoons? Oh, I know — an overused plot device!

THE SONATA (2019)
“Set in London and France, The Sonata centers on young virtuoso violinist. After the death of her estranged but famous composer father, Rose inherits the old mansion in which he lived. There, she discovers her father’s final work: a mysterious music score marked with strange symbols. With the help of Charles, her agent and manager, she deciphers the symbols and, little by little, starts to unlock secrets concerning her father’s past, setting in motion the mechanisms of a plan imagined on the day she was born.”

Spoiler: the deciphered symbols translate to: “Put the ukulele down, you hippie, and get a real job.”

Godzilla Cups, Religious Demons, Toilet Ghosts

Expectedly, there’s a slew of Godzilla promotional tie-ins on the eve of Godzilla: King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019). Carl’s Jr.™, the John Oates of fast food eateries, is offering soda cups featuring Godzilla, Mothra, King Ghidorah and Rodan. I plan on getting ‘em all and using them when I throw fancy dinner parties.

Microsoft™ scores with custom Godzilla and frenemies Xbox™ game systems, with the outer case looking like it was made from the actual hides of scaly monsters. The best part: Microsoft™ is GIVING THEM AWAY! Here’s how to get one or more: “In its latest Xbox Sweepstakes, the company is offering up the chance to win one of the four consoles via Twitter, and you have until June 7 to enter.” Never played an Xbox; I’m still trying to figure out checkers.

And even Mexico is getting in on the action, serving up the Godzilla Thickburger, which is composed of three beef patties, bacon and cheese. Order one with a side of screaming citizens.

While we immerse ourselves in all things Godzilla, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as tasty as a burger made in Mexico…

SAINT BERNARD (May 14, 2019)
“A classical musical conductor unravels into the abyss of insanity.”

A lot of Internet chatter about this one. Apparently it’s a surreal carnival ride for the mind. I thought that’s what booze is for. P.S. This was filmed on Super 16mm and 35mm film. That’s pretty surreal.

THE LODGE (2019)
“A soon-to-be-stepmom is snowed in with her fiancé’s two children at a remote holiday village. Just as relations finally begin to thaw between the trio, strange and frightening events threaten to summon psychological demons from her strict religious childhood.”

This could be good; strict religion is scary as Hell.

GHOST KILLERS VS. BLOODY MARY (2019)
“Four YouTubers with expertise in supernatural events are seeking recognition from the audience whilst solving the urban legend of the Bathroom Blonde Case and the spirit that haunts the schools’ bathroom in Brazil.”

There’s many ghosts haunting my bathroom — the lingering spirits of meals passed. Heh.

Toying With Godzilla, A Nice Exorcist, Spider-Man On Vacation

Wanna get toys based on Godzilla: King of the Monsters about the same time the movie comes out on May 31, 2019? Thanks to NECA and Jakks Pacific (and available at Toy Ark), you can and should.

Toys or “Fun Talismans,” include Godzilla (duh) and his frenemies, King Ghidorah, Rodan and Mothra. On their press release, though, they said Fire Godzilla will also be included. Did they just send out a spoiler?

Most of the monsters will be 12 inches tall, with one Godzilla version twice that size, whatever that measures out to be. There will also be smaller versions and even a Godzilla mask in case you wanna goon out the neighbors.

While we make room in the toy box, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not goon out the neighbors…

ANIMAS (January 25, 2019/Netflix™)
“Alex is a confident girl with a strong personality and great tenacity. She’s very close to her best friend Abraham, to whom she provides constant help and support, as Abraham is a shy, withdrawn and insecure boy, mainly due to the complex relationship between he and his parents. But everything changes when Daniel — Abraham’s father — dies in a strange accident, the cause of which is unclear. From this moment on, Alex finds herself on a hallucinatory journey that takes her on a descent into hell, where the line between reality and nightmare becomes blurred to the point that Alex begins to question the foundations of her very existence.”

Descent into hell? Hallucinatory journey? The line between reality and nightmare becomes blurred? Sounds like Alex has been hanging out in the same bars as me.

THE GOOD EXORCIST (February 21, 2019/El Rey/VOD)
“A socially awkward but reliable exorcist attempts to remove a difficult demon from a ranch owned by an eccentric family in Texas. However, the demon proves to be more difficult than the priest assumed it would be.”

Since this is on a ranch, I totally bet the demon is cow. Hey, it’s got horns and shoots some sort of evil fluid from each of its four unholy dangle-y squirt gun type things under its swim suit area. Evil is pronounced “moo” in its hellish language.

SPIDER-MAN: FAR FROM HOME (July 5, 2019)
“Our friendly neighborhood superhero decides to join his best friends Ned, MJ, and the rest of the gang on a European vacation. However, Peter’s plan to leave super heroics behind for a few weeks are quickly scrapped when he begrudgingly agrees to help Nick Fury uncover the mystery of several elemental creature attacks, creating havoc across the continent.”

Just like the last movie (Spider-Man: Homecoming/2017, in case you forgot), the trailer for the new one is so ridiculously cool, you almost don’t need to see the movie. But you’ll just have to. And Spider-Man teaming up with Mysterio? I just webbed my pants.

THE CHANGE OVER (2019)
“Sixteen year-old Laura Chant lives with her mother and four-year-old brother Jacko in a low-rent suburb on the edge of earthquake-scarred Christchurch, New Zealand. Laura is drawn into a supernatural battle with an ancient spirit who attacks Jacko and slowly drains the life out of him as the spirit becomes ever younger. Laura discovers her true identity and the supernatural ability within her, and must harness it to save her brother’s life.”

There’s a place called, Christchurch? Sounds like a good place for a Holy war to me. That the place is actually real and is plagued by earthquakes makes me wanna move there and get a front row pew.  

The Kings of Kaiju

Three new key art posters for Godzilla: King of the Monsters, coming in May 2019. These are pretty dang cool as each of Godzilla’s BFFs (Big F’n Foes) get their own moment in the spotlight.

First, we get to see in sweet detail what Rodan looks like. The gigantic, trouble-making bird had his own movie back in 1956. It was Toho’s (film studio) first color movie and actually featured two Rodans. Wonder if their mom knew the pesky Pteranodons snacked on humans and intentionally knocked over buildings?

Next up is the three-headed Ghidorah, who was also called Monster Zero back in 1970. In his big screen debut, aliens in shiny suits from Planet X (on the same block as Jupiter), come to Earth asking to borrow Godzilla and Rodan to help smack Ghidorah, who has been flying around and zapping the planet with electric bolts, forcing the English-speaking extraterrestrials to live underground with no windows. Not surprisingly, beans were outlawed.

Then we come to Mothra, who was introduced in 1964. (In Japan, the movie was called Mothra vs. Godzilla, but in the States it was titled Godzilla vs. The Thing.) A huge storm (in Japan they called it a typhoon) unearths an egg the size of a shopping mall. In it are twin larvae and Mothra is their mom (or would that be “Momthra”?). Godzilla fancies an omelet and tries to crack the egg, until Mothra flies in as if to say, “Oh, hell no.”

As of this writing Godzilla: King of The Monsters is still about six months away. These new posters help ease my anxiousness to see this monster match-up. Until then, I’ll keep going to my support group meetings.

Giant Monster Punchfest, Superhero Jamboree, UFO Boy

The latest key art for Godzilla, King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019) is almost as cool as the new trailer, which features all the kaiju monsters knocking over cities as if said cities were made of cement Legos™. (The bottom art was expertly done by art phenom Christopher Shy and you can actually buy it. Do so — today, if possible.)

So it’s to be a Battle Royale between Godzilla, King Ghidorah, Mothra and Rodan. The cards are already stacked against Godzilla’s foes, however. Hey, if your name is the title of the movie…

While we impatiently wait to see giant monsters violate each other’s bathing suit area, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi/superhero movies that may or may not feel like a punch in the groin…

US (March, 2019)
“A mother and a father take their kids to their beach house expecting to unplug and unwind with friends. But as night descends, their serenity turns to tension and chaos when some shocking visitors arrive uninvited.”

I bet the uninvited shocking visitors are electric eels. That, or some drunk frat boys. Got my money on the eels, though. Makes sense as it’s a beach house and electric eels — who are naturally shocking — hang out at the beach, like, daily.

SHAZAM! (April 5, 2019)
“Billy Batson is a streetwise 14-year-old who can magically transform into the adult superhero Shazam simply by shouting out one word. His newfound powers soon get put to the test when he squares off against the evil Dr. Thaddeus Sivana.”

YET ANOTHER superhero movie. Gotta say, the trailer, though, is pretty dang funny. With Shazam, Venom, Captain Marvel, The Wasp, Aquaman and Batgirl all being added to the superhero locker room, the pool is getting a bit crowded.

AVENGERS: ENDGAME (April 26, 2019)
“In the aftermath of Thanos wiping out half of all life in the Universe, the remaining Avengers must do what’s necessary to undo the mad titan’s deed.”

Didn’t nearly all of the Avengers die in the last movie? And as for Thanos wiping out half of all life — what’s wrong with the other half?

BRIGHTBURN (May 24, 2019)
“What if a child from another world crash-landed on Earth, but instead of becoming a hero to mankind, he proved to be something far more sinister? A startling, subversive take on a radical new genre: superhero horror.”

Superhero horror. Pretty sure that was already done with Venom and Spawn and Ghost Rider.

Godzilla BFFs, Mutant Babies, Social Media Evil

A couple of new sales posters for the upcoming Godzilla: King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019). One doesn’t suck, one sucks, one is kinda okay. The “doesn’t suck” version, of course, depicts Godzilla choke-holdong it up in a no-holds barred street match with the clearly bigger King Ghidorah.

KH has three heads. Talk about multitasking; he could use one to bite Godzilla in the lunch sac, the second one to surf the Internet for kaiju porn, and the other to binge watch Game of Thrones on Netflix™. I wish I had three heads.

The first trailer for Godzilla: King of the Monsters is pretty badass, showing Rodan (mega huge Pterodactyl), the butterfly-esque Mothra (spokesbug for Raid™) and King G himself, who towers over the already embiggened Godzilla. 

Before you surf for kaiju porn, check out these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may not require three brains to understand…

CYNTHIA (August 31, 2018 / Limited); September 18, 2018 (VOD/DVD)
Robin and Michael are college sweethearts who have everything — a perfect marriage, adorable cat, a beautiful home. But one thing is missing from this idyllic setting — a baby. After years of fertility treatments their dreams come true when Robin finds out she is pregnant. Is this a dream come true or a nightmare come to life?

Nightmare come to life. That’s what the doctor told my mom when I was born. Maybe he directed this movie. (This remind anyone of It Lives/1978)?

I THINK WE’RE ALONE NOW (September 14/2018-Theaters/September 21, 2019-VOD)
“The apocalypse proves a blessing in disguise for one lucky recluse — until a second survivor arrives with the threat of companionship.”

Leave it to someone to always impose on your personal time. There goes leaving the bathroom door open during personal moments. The apocalypse sucks.

APOSTLE (October 12, 2018)
“London, 1905. Prodigal son Thomas Richardson has returned home, only to learn that his sister is being held for ransom by a religious cult. Determined to get her back at any cost, Thomas travels to the idyllic island where the cult lives under the leadership of the charismatic Prophet Malcolm. As Thomas infiltrates the island’s community, he learns that the corruption of mainland society that they claim to reject has infested the cult’s ranks nonetheless — and uncovers a secret far more evil than he could have imagined.”

What some people call religious cults, I call ‘em the barfly regulars up at the Tug Tavern. They seem to be worshiping the bartender every time I walk in there. Heck, you could call me a cult member with a bar tab. All praise a full glass and a Lyft™ ride home.

E-DEMON (2018)
“On a mission to bring the Devil to Earth, an escaped demon manipulates a group of friends hanging out on a video-chat. Since this ruthless demon can possess multiple people at once, knowing who to trust is the key to survival.”

More tech-savvy stink demons. Suppose you could call them malevolent malware. And you can call E-Demons YET ANOTHER teen sci-fi social media movie. Hit the delete button.

Metric Tons of Godzilla Fun

Godzilla seems to stomp all over the news these days, what with Godzilla II being renamed to Godzilla: King of the Monsters, then being moved to May 31, 2019. Then there’s Godzilla: City on the Edge of Battle, the sequel to the 2017 hit anime Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters, just released in Japan on May 18, 2018. (Rumors had the follow-up as being named as Godzilla: Planet Eater, which I totally heart.)

Then Toho, Godzilla’s legal guardians, have scrapped plans for Shin Godzilla 2 in favor of expanding the Godzilla Cinematic Universe after 2020. Then there’s the Godzilla vs. Kong, also set for 2010. Why, it’s enough to ’Zilla to make you go silla!

Here’s the official plot (if not art, which is clearly fan made) of Godzilla: King of the Monsters: “The new story follows the heroic efforts of the crypto-zoological agency Monarch as its members face off against a battery of god-sized monsters, including the mighty Godzilla, who collides with Mothra, Rodan, and his ultimate nemesis, the three-headed King Ghidorah. When these ancient super-species — thought to be mere myths — rise again, they all vie for supremacy, leaving humanity’s very existence hanging in the balance.”

Humanity sucks. I hope the monsters win.

And if all that wasn’t drool-inducing, here are some renditions of MechaGodzilla from Godzilla: City on the Edge of Battle…

Unsteady as to be unsure about the release of Godzilla: City on the Edge of Battle here in America, USA on Netflix™. But just dry your tears as it’s coming. It better be, because I’m all out of Kleenex™.