Archive for Minnesota

Slasher Swimmer, Eating Your Ex, Neighborhood Sharks

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 1, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jason Voorhees

Like the red balloons tied to sewer drains in homage marketing to It (2017, the life-size statue of Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th series placed at the bottom of a popular (but unnamed) diving lake in Minnesota (chained to a boulder and dropped unceremoniously into Camp Crystal Lake in Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI/1986), is beyond cool. If you were diving in the lake and came upon “Jason”, there is a steep probability you’ll end up polluting the water. Confidence is high.

Jason Voorhees

According to news reports, the statue was put there by an unknown fan/prankster (Frankster?) in 2013, where it continues to wait for the right moment to spring out and start knocking over canoes, which I think is unlawful and just plain mean. (P.S. The original film’s Camp Crystal Lake is in New Jersey.)

While we try and top that, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not belong at the bottom of a lake…

Apartment 212

APARTMENT 212 (March 16, 2018)
Jennifer Conrad is a small-town girl starting over in the big city. Fleeing an abusive relationship, all she wants is a chance to begin again. But it is hard to start over when something is eating you while you sleep…one painful bite at a time.”

Either her boyfriend is a romantic cannibal, or it’s time to call Orkin™. Or, she could just bleach the sheets.


CAUGHT (March 30, 2018)
“While on an afternoon walk with their children, two small town reporters notice the military camped on a hilltop. Debating the possible significance of this activity, they answer their door when two unusual strangers come knocking and find themselves held hostage in their own home.”

Several theories — the military is there, waiting to capture visiting aliens. Or the unusual strangers could be nothing more than delivery guys for AmazonFresh Grocery™. Or they simply could be Mormons. Or Mormons delivering groceries with a message of hope and upcoming sales.

It Hungers

“Fact. When people become frightened, their bodies are flooded with a stress hormone called Cortisol. There is a creature that feeds on humans, but only when our bodies are ripe with fear and flooded with Cortisol. Only then does it like the taste of human flesh. Only then will it feed Deep in the forest, a beautiful young woman on the run from the law escapes into the creature’s lair. Like a chef preparing his meal, the creature unleashes a phantom to terrify her. A macabre clown. Once she is terrified enough to be consumed, the creature will move in for the kill. But she is no ordinary girl and she is ready fight to survive.”

Color me ignorant, but isn’t this a bald-face rip-off of It (2017)? (Um, I don’t know what the color of ignorant is — I’m hoping something in a nice mauve, perhaps.)

House Shark

“You’re gonna need a bigger house! When Frank finds his happy home under attack by a dangerous but largely unknown breed of shark, he’s enlists the aid of the world’s only ‘House Shark’ expert, Zachary, and a grizzled former real estate agent, Abraham, to embark on a desperate quest to destroy the beast and claim back his life. It’s Jaws in a house!”

Full disclosure — I already flagged this one in August of 2015. Amazing that’s its taking this long to get the “film” out there. So what’s next — Condo Shark? Apartment Rental Shark? Airbnb Shark? If they come up with Flophouse Shark, though, I’m totally in.

High School Succubus

Posted in Evil, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , on July 12, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jennifer's Body

Jennifer is a drop-dead gorgeous cheerleader in Devil’s Kettle, Minnesota. Jennifer’s best friend since birth is Needy (full name “Anita”), a sort of wallflower sidekick, but deceptively think-y and as cute as a bag of pink miniature marshmallows with chocolate chip eyes.

Jennifer's Body

They go to a local tavern to see the emo band, Low Shoulder, “because they have awesome haircuts,” only to barely make it out alive when the place catches fire (as do some of the patrons). Not ones to waste time grieving, the band offers Jennifer a ride in their mystery van, leaving Needy on the side of the road.

Jennifer's Body

Jennifer ends up as the center attraction at the band’s satanic ritual in exchange for fame and coin. YET ANOTHER  reason why emo bands suck. Botched ritual later, Jennifer shows up – bloody and barfing black spike-y gunk – and male high school students soon turn up half-eaten. And Jennifer seems to be more “boy hungry” than before.

Jennifer's Body

A sort of psychic link (implied, not established) exists between Jennifer and Needy, and in a nice twist on a tandem teen sex scene, fills in the blanks/blankets as to how Jennifer is not really Jennifer anymore, but an intestine-gargling succubus. Once Jennifer sets her sights on Needy’s boyfriend, all BFFs are off.

Jennifer's Body

The killer (sorry) dialogue and a graphic-yet funny eye towards gore (a deer doing something to a corpse is a bright moment) take Jennifer’s Body (2009) to entertaining levels. And the final sequence is worth the DVD rental price. Hint: Stay through the credits.