Archive for spaceships

Urban UFOs, Brain Quakes, Serial Killing Seafood

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 27, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Top 25 Cities for UFOs

Recently read an interesting article by columnist Cheryl Costa on the Syracuse New Times website listing the Top 25 cities for UFO sightings across the U.S., from 2001— 2015. Phoenix, AZ tops the carts with 929 sightings and Kansas City comes in last at an embarrassing (to the Chamber of Commerce, anyway) 294 reported glimpses of unidentified flying objects. The irony here is that Syracuse doesn’t even make the list. That’s just shameful.

On a happier note, Seattle, home of ME, sits smugly on the list at #3, with 616 sightings. It would’ve been around 700, but the UFO hotline got tired of me calling in every blinking light in the sky. So what if I live by two airports (Boeing Field/Sea-Tac Airport)? Maybe they were planes…or maybe they were extraterrestrial spaceships looking to goof with my brain pan. Still a valid call on my part.

Seattle

Other UFO hotspot cities include Chicago, Portland, Los Angeles and Manhattan. So if you live in one of those places, keep watching the skies. If you don’t, then don’t. Not up for craning your neck skyward for hours on end? Lower your head to TV level and watch for these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies, which, for the most part, are identifiable…

Mindblown

MINDBLOWN (available now/VOD)
“A team of telekinetics — code-named Project Mindblown — has been secretly assembled in a high-tech facility. Their minds have the power to shake the Earth — or bring rain to drought-starved areas. They’ve been told their abilities will be used to do good for humanity. But when evidence suggests that the group has been tricked into causing destruction in U.S. cities, one team member goes rogue, racing against time to uncover a deadly conspiracy.”

Man, it’d be so cool to have the power to make things shake and quake. For instance, you could walk into a glass and ceramics novelty gift shop, fart really loud, and then make the whole room shake an off-balanced washer and/or dryer. Then say something like, “Wow, I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that fourth burrito…” Hilarity, I tell you.

Totem

TOTEM (October 31, 2017/VOD)
“A teen must resort to extreme measures to protect her family from a supernatural entity.”

Kind of an oxymoron — aren’t teens already supernatural entities? So what extreme measures is this teen gonna resort to? Making body-shaming taunts and posting embarrassing photos of the entity on social media? Or maybe she’ll trick it into smearing itself with glitter lipstick so it’ll look totally uncool at the school dance.

The Envelope

THE ENVELOPE (November 30, 2017/Russia)
“A strange envelope is delivered to an architect bureau by mistake. Igor, a driver, gets the task to bring it to the right address. From that moment his life becomes a string of paranormal events. The cursed letter invades Igor’s life and leads him to a mysterious addressee.”

They’re still naming horror movie characters “Igor”? That’s like giving Tom Cruise the name “Jack” in all his movies. As for the strange envelope, it’s probably a rent increase notice. (Last one I got was covered in frowny-face stickers.)

The Crescent

THE CRESCENT (2017/2018)
“A mother and her toddler son struggle to find spiritual healing after an unexpected death in the family. All the while, a mysterious force from the sea threatens to tear their souls apart.”

I bet you anything the mysterious force from the sea is a clam. Those things are loaded with terror. When you crack one open, it either looks like an alien face-hugger or a freshly blown nose. Or both.

Real Bigfeet, Ghost Relatives, Homeless Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 21, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bigfoot

Finally — inarguable photographic proof of Bigfoot’s existence. This recent, highly convincing picture of Bigfoot relieving himself next to a pond should silence all those blow-hard debunkers. What else do you need — a urine sample?

Bigfoot

This astonishing pic, credited to David Raygoza, was taken at Avocado Lake in Northern California, where Bigfoot is factually known to hang out. This story was reported to Fox 26 by Jeffrey Gonzalez, a self-described paranormal expert, who said he heard about the sighting from a local farmer who also claimed he saw the cool cryptid and five others running on his ranch near said lake.

Bigfoot

“One of them, which was extremely tall, had a pig over its shoulder,” Gonzalez said. “And the five scattered and the one with the pig was running so fast it didn’t see an irrigation pipe and it tripped, with the pig flying over.”

Aha — there you go! Most people said they wouldn’t believe in Bigfoot until pigs fly. I rest my case.

While we pack up and head for Avocado Lake to share some farm fresh bacon with Bigfoot, here are a few just released/upcoming horror and sci-fi films passed down through unverified second-hand sources…

Antihuman

ANTIHUMAN (available now/VOD)
“A young woman returns to the secluded, abandoned psychological research facility where her deceased mother once worked. Accompanied by three friends, she discovers that the ghosts of the past have found their way to the present when the hospital’s legacy of experimentation and madness tears away all known bounds of time, memory and space.”

I don’t have any ghosts from my past. A few werewolves, a science mistake or two, but no ghosts. Which is weird because I have a history of experimentation and madness. It’s practically my corporate slogan.

After The Lethargy

AFTER THE LETHARGY (2017/Stiges Film Festival)
“Reporter Sara travels to the hot spot where one of the most extraordinary contacts with extraterrestrials in history supposedly took place. A forest ranger and a sinister villager, accompany the girl, helping her to overcome the dangers that nature entails. Despite good intentions, they will soon be attacked by a creature that lives in the depths of the forest, being forced to take refuge in an old abandoned military barracks.”

There’s so many of those pesky extraterrestrials on Earth now, they’re living in our abandoned military barracks and under our bridges by the freeway in tents that look like Gore-Texspaceships.

Haunted

HAUNTED (November 24, 2017/Norway)
“When Catherine’s father passes away, she has to travel to the abandoned family estate to facilitate the sale. Catherine wants to get it done quickly to avoid digging too deep in her family’s mysterious past. However, the house makes a strong impression on Catherine, but why does she remember so little? The locals tell stories of mysterious disappearances and possible murders. Confronted with the past, old wounds are torn up and Catherine becomes immersed in what she has been protected from, but may also have chosen to forget?”

Unless you had killer heavy metal vomit parties there all the time in the past, of course you’d want to forget. Then again, you probably wouldn’t be able to remember anything if those parties were any good.

The Midnight Man

THE MIDNIGHT MAN (2017/2018)
“Alex and her two friends commence a game summoning the fearsome Midnight Man. Using their worst fears against them, and not above a bit of manipulation when it’s called for, The Midnight Man plays to win in a game that Alex — and others before her — definitely started at their own risk.”

There are so many movies (and books) called Midnight Man, I actually went out at midnight expecting to see the streets teeming with MMs bumping into each other. Instead, I just saw drunks coming out of bars. So I guess that kinda counts. So THIS Midnight Man seems to recall so many horror movie plots, the streets are teeming with them. And those plots were written by writers who were clearly drunk.

Earth Must be Stopped

Posted in Aliens, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 11, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Day the Earth Stopped

Remember The Day The Earth Stood Still (1951/2008)? Well, this time it stopped altogether. No loitering for this planet, just a complete and utter dead halt.

I could end my overview of The Day The Earth Stopped (2008) right here, but there may be one or two of you who never listen when I tell them movies that are quick knock-offs of other — and better — flicks, suck the big [insert your choice of disparaging proper noun here].

The Day The Earth Stopped

A battalion of spaceships pull up to Earth and park their giant destructo robots in areas all over the world. Six hundred and sixty-six of ’em to be exact, though you only get to see one.

Two aliens — a naked young man with zits on his face, and a nude 30-something woman with heavy eye shadow and thick lip gloss (from the “Hot Uranus Nights” weekend collection) — are captured by the Army and interrogated.

The Day The Earth Stopped

Turns out Earth has been pissing off all the other planets, and it’s time to kiss our arrogant fannies goodbye. That is, unless we can show them a reason for sparing our lives…by sundown. Unfortunately, the giant robots start blasting, wrecking an innocent Ferris wheel and shooting the top off the Eiffel Tower. France probably deserved it.

The lesson learned? Don’t watch cheap knock-off “sci-fi” movies like this anymore. But like touching a hot stove burner, I’ll probably do it again.

Vampires, Lobsters and Dinosaurs

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Horror of the Blood Monsters

The Italian made Horror of the Blood Monsters (1970) might possibly be the all time WTF horror/sci-fi movies ever made. You can start with its numerous re-titlings, from 7 per L’Infinito Contro I Missili Spaziali (translation: 7 For The Infinite Space Against Missiles), to Space Mission to the Lost Planet, Vampire Men of the Lost Planet and The Flesh Creatures. I honestly can’t decide which one I like best.

Horror of the Blood Monsters

Then there are the movie’s “everything but the kitchen sink” elements: vampires, cavemen, dinosaurs, UFOs, space rockets, lobster people, flying bat people, snake men, missiles, spears, lasers, bow and arrows, hatchets, supermodel cave girls and the highly-convincing (ahem) Spectrum radiation that keeps turning the “atmosphere” from orange to green. Yep, you guessed it – Horror of the Blood Monsters is actually a Grateful Dead hippie drug party.

Horror of the Blood Monsters

The movie begins with gangs of vampires attacking citizens at night, sucking their blood or “sangue” from throats as if artificially-flavored cherry milkshakes. Then the movie abruptly shifts to outer space and a mission to a distant galaxy to discover the source of the vampire plague being a pain in the neck to us Earthers.

Horror of the Blood Monsters

A shiny spinning UFO mothership dispatches a smaller less shiny UFO landing party to the mysterious planet below. And it’s here they find an ongoing war between vampire cavemen with candy cigarette sized/shaped fangs violently beating and stabbing a non-vampire tribe.

Horror of the Blood Monsters

Everyone wears animal skins for performance boxer briefs (or “britches”) except for a super hot cave chick sporting an off-the-rack open shoulder ensemble with matching panties or “smoothing hi-cut briefs.” Meanwhile, up in space, rocket ships and the UFOs are shooting armed missiles at each other. I don’t know why.

Horror of the Blood Monsters

Watched this one without sub-titles (free on YouTube™) and was unable to learn the entire Italian language during its 80 minute running time. Figured it couldn’t be that hard. But as supremely dumb as this movie is (the cavemen fight scenes were spliced in, taken from the 1965 Filipino movie, Tagani and other monster stock footage was also wedged in there), you can’t help but entertained by the lobster people with pain-inflicting pinchers and the mini bat people that live in caves and fly right at your face when you spelunk their caves.

Horror of the Blood Monsters

Repeating scenes of the spaceships exploding and then reversing the footage to re-use again and again kinda wears you out. So does waiting for the hot cave chick to remove her top because it’s so hot on that irradiated planet. And was the mission to find out the source of the blood plague (brought to Earth by the Tubaton, vampire men from a distant galaxy) a success? For our sake I’d like to think yes. But man, I just don’t know.

Glam Space Robots

Posted in Aliens, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 2, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

War of the Robots

The Italian-made War of the Robots (aka, La Guerra del Robots/1978) looks like a junior high school production of Battlestar Galactica and employs some of the worst sub-budget special effects this side of the singing toilet paper holder in my bathroom that plays “Wipeout” every time I need a PMT (“Personal Moment Tissue.”)

War of the Robots

Hum-bots (looks like humans, made of robot) on the dying planet of Atheron are causing headaches for everyone, especially after they kidnap a space commander’s girlfriend and a genetic scientist. (The Hum-Bots, it should be noted, all have Prince Valiant hair styles and wear shiny silver suits licensed from ABBA. Not sure why robots need hair – it’d rust when you shampoo it.)

War of the Robots

The chase leads the space troopers to Atheron and a battle with ray guns ensues. The rescuers, however,  find the girlfriend and professor have been named the planet’s Emperor and Empress and are now doing evil stuff. (That didn’t take long for them to renounce their goody-goody Earth ways.)

War of the Robots

But wait – a sweet long con is being played. The girlfriend fakes being evil (or is she faking being good?) and they all take off in plastic spaceships. An army of UFOs goes after or “pursues” them. Thanks the stars somebody had a copy machine – one spaceship turns into 43 at the push of a button. And when spaceships are blasted, they explode silently in a burst of light, leaving no debris. The future is so clean.

War of the RobotsWar of the Robots is a painful sci-fi experience. There were only seven blonde robots, but since they all look identical they were re-used throughout the movie. (I watched the same guy get killed 17 times.) The UFOs look like they were modeled after Space Invaders ™. The space helmets look like old radio tube transistors. And those glittery clothes – Liberace must be rolling around Uranus.