3D Water Man, Gore Galore, Basement Aliens

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom arrives on the big screen (theaters) and bigger screens (Imax™) on December 22, 2023. That’s exactly five years and one day after Aquaman came out in 2018. It made $1.152 billion at the global box office. That’s a lot of clams. This time around, they’re releasing in a 3D version. Not sure how this is gonna look as starfish are pretty much flat.

Anyway, here are the latest movie ad-sheets for the movie. There were 22 designed for Aquaman, and so far there are 11 for Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom with more, I’m sure, to follow. From one of the posters we can see there are more sharks and domesticated seahorses to entice us out of our sand dollars. Sharks are pretty much a go-to, but I was hoping to see more of those super icky amphibious Trench monsters. Maybe they’ll do a swim-by.

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom goes like this: “Several years after the events of the first film, Arthur Curry/Aquaman is forced to protect Atlantis and his loved ones from devastation after an ancient power is unleashed by David Kane/Black Manta obtaining the cursed Black Trident. In order to achieve this, he will have to seek help from an unlikely ally: his brother Orm.” In case you didn’t see/care about Aquaman, Orm got his butt gills paddled hard by Arthur Man.

So while we all shoot sea bubble excitement out our blowholes for Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not seem a little…fishy…

VISITORS (THE COMPLETE EDITION) / Out now (Screambox™/ Release pending Midnight Pulp™, VOD)

“A rock ‘n’ roll band drop in unannounced on a friend and find themselves plummeting into a wackadoo reverie of monsters and mayhem.”

This Japanese horror anthology opens with one of the most Evil Dead-esque gory pandemonium scenes you’ve ever seen. You’ll need to take your eyeballs out and wash ’em after viewing.

DARK PARASITE / Out now (VOD)

“Dark Parasite is a 2023 Italian sci-fi horror film about a group of jewelery store thieves who take refuge in a shabby apartment building in the suburbs. However, they don’t know that an alien creature with telepathic powers is hiding in the basement.”

Where else would you put an alien with telepathic powers? The attic just won’t do as that’s where all the Christmas decorations from years gone by are stored.

NIGHT OF THE KILLER BEARS / Out now (VOD)

“After not seeing each other for a long time, five friends living in Bangkok go on a vacation together, staying at a quiet resort isolated from the city. Things take a dark turn when it’s revealed each of them has hidden secrets. When one of them ends up brutally murdered, paranoia and distrust surround the group, motivating each remaining member to accuse each other of being the murderer or consider the possibility that the real murderer is the unseen presence observing them, and that they all are in deadly danger.”

Who doesn’t have hidden secrets? Heck, I have about 30 of ’em — and those are just the ones I can remember from last week. Guess I better stay out of Bangkok.

PEACOCK / December 8, 2023 (VOD)

“After violating the strict moral standards of The Foundation, the puritanical institution for young women in which she was raised, Anna Pohl is sent to care for one of its founding members. An Apartheid-era theologian living out his days in paranoia on his isolated farm, Sarel Cilliers suffers from frightening visions and demonic hallucinations. Haunted by her own feelings of guilt, Anna slowly gets pulled into Sarel’s terrifying world as she tries to unravel the mysteries behind this sinister place and its connection to the devastating secrets being hidden by The Foundation. ”

This one’s being described as “evocative and erotic.” I only know one of those words. P.S. It’s also being referred to as South African Gothic horror. That would’ve made a better title.

Happy Horror Day, Zombie Cookbook, Antichrist Dropout

Established in 2020, October 23 is National Horror Movie Day. That’s a fancy way of saying Christmas. The date was chosen as its horror/movie director Sam Raimi’s birthday. He did the Evil Dead franchise, Darkman (1990), Drag Me To Hell (2009), as well as the Spider-Man trilogy and Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022).You might have heard of one or more of those.

So, what do you plan on watching on National Horror Movie Day? And since no one asked, here are some personal endorsements: Talk To Me, Saw X, Candy Land, Renfield, The Last Voyage of Demeter, Black Demon, Evil Dead Rise, Totally Killer and Infinity Pool. Or you could go on Tubi™ and pick out a dozen or so from their 4,000+ horror movie catalog for free.

So while we call in sick so as to not work and spend the day/night watching horror movies front to back, here are some upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you sick… 

THE HAUNTING OF JULIA FIELDS / Out now (YouTube™)

“A young woman from a small town moves out on her own for the first time only to realize something sinister lurking inside her new Florida home.”

Florida, eh? Probably a manatee.

AS WE KNOW IT / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“In the late ’90s, James Bishop is dealing with a complicated breakup with the help of his best friend, while trying to finish his book before the impending zombie apocalypse.”

Not sure why he’s trying to finish his book. Whose gonna buy it after the zombie apocalypse? The walking dead can’t read — and if they did, they’d probably wanna get themselves some sort of flesh-eating keto recipe book. (I recommend The Meat Cookbook by Nichola Fletcher. Click here.)

THE FIRST OMEN / April 5, 2024 (Theaters)

“A young American woman is sent to Rome to begin a life of service to the church, but encounters a darkness that causes her to question her faith and uncovers a terrifying conspiracy that hopes to bring about the birth of evil incarnate.”

A life in service the the church is like a non-religious person devoting his/her life to working at 7-Eleven™.

THE SLUAGH AWAKENS / Release pending 2024 (DVD)

“Following a tragic onslaught that rips a married couple apart, an evil force slowly spreads and holds an entire forest town in its bloody clutches. Only a group of young adults, random survivors and those who previously experienced the terror are left to fight back against something unholy.”

Don’t know how to pronounce Sluagh. But according to the Internet, Sluagh “were the hosts of the unforgiven dead in Irish and Scottish folklore.” The movie describes them as “dastardly looking zombie gnome monsters.” I can pronounce that.

Box Set Ghost, India Werewolf, Demon Blackmail

Fans of J-horror will make leakage in their kimono over the definitive box set compilation of Ju-On: The Grudge, Japan’s landmark upset ghost franchise. Releasing December 19, 2022, the five-disc set, with a metric ton of extras, sells for $70.00 fun bucks (or 10,417.00 yen), though you can find it $10.00 cheaper on sale if you’d just put in the time to dig around. Click HERE to see all the ingredients.

What’s that you say? You don’t know what Ju-On is? Prepare to be educated via their press release: “Ju-On is the name given to a deadly curse spawned when someone dies in the grip of a violent rage. All who come into contact with it are doomed. Collected together for the first time, writer-director Takashi Shimizu’s Ju-On: The Grudge series represents the flesh-crawling pinnacle of Japanese chillers that swept the globe at the turn of the millennium.”

“The films introduce the anonymous family house in the suburbs of Tokyo where an unspeakable evil lingers alongside its residents, the ghastly mother-son pairing of Kayoko and Toshio Saeki. Shimizu’s disconcerting approach to plotting, unnerving eye for the uncanny details in the dark corners of the frame and an innate talent for effective jump scares so impressed Evil Dead director Sam Raimi that he invited the director to helm two Hollywood remakes.”

So while you go online to buy the box set, which contains all the Grudge movies and has the same long black stringy haired white faced demon ghost in every one of ‘em, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you want to fashionably style your stringy hair…

DEMONS AT DAWN / October 28, 2022 (VOD)

“A retired hitman is blackmailed into taking one last job. However, during his mission, he uncovers a satanic cult that uses human sacrifice to summon demons.”

Human sacrifice seems so ancient Inca. Why can’t satanic cults just summon demons using Facebook™ like everybody else?

BHEDIYA / November 25, 2022 (Theaters)

“Bhaskar gets bitten by a mythical wolf and begins to transform into a creature himself. In order to find answers about his condition and turn himself back into a human he must then team with a group of ragtag buddies before it’s too late.”

This one’s being billed as India’s very first creature comedy. About time, geez. A preview said “Bhediya essentially looks like Bollywood’s answer to An American Werewolf in London.” Better title: A Mumbai Werewolf in India.

MEAN-SPIRITED /Pending release, 2023

“A wannabe YouTuber™ who set out to bury the hatchet with his celebrity friend, just to find out that he is not quite himself anymore.”

A wanna be YouTuber™. That’s like being hired to be the assistant to the guy who just got promoted from janitor to cashier at Kinkos™.

DON’T COME BACK ALIVE / Pending release, 2022/2023

“Police officer Camila, criminal prosecutor Fátima, and police detective Ángel, are used to face extremely dangerous situations, gruesome murder cases and evil criminals. During an operation in a dangerous area, they have an encounter with a female albino figure in a suicide-by-immolation ritual. This being, more powerful than death itself, is here to play with them a wicked game.”

So by going up in flames, you turn yourself into something more powerful than an overheated lava lamp itself? You set the bar way too low, man.

Evil Meets Rock, Military Mistakes, Stealing From The Dead

The rock band KISS meets Ash from the Evil Dead in a new graphic comic books series, in KISS/Army of Darkness. Talk about a match-up of pay-per-view worthiness. Here’s from the press release…

“KISS is on top of the world and rocking faces until the night disciples of The Destroyer show up and the band disappears. With the tour canceled, a young Ash misses one of the most important events of his life that will change his destiny. Now the Chosen One has to get back on the right path and join the KISS ARMY OF DARKNESS. The raging guitar chords and pyrotechnic spectacle of the KISS stage shows could have come straight from the pages of the Necronomicon, and this epic battle between The Demon and Deadites will appeal to the hellions in all of us!”

They had me at rocking faces. The press release further tells us the series is being written by Chad Bowers and Chris Sims, with Ruairi Coleman providing the illustration. At this time I’d like to order 100 copies of the first issue when it comes out in February of 2018. And would it kill KISS to autograph every single one of them, personally made out to ME?

Until KISS finds a box of laundry markers, here are a few just release/upcoming and possibly graphic horror/sci-fi movies to help me/you/us while away the days…

THE DOLL (available now)
“When Chris and Andy order a model from an escort service, they find that something is unnaturally wrong with Natasha, something deadly wrong.”

The girlfriend-for-rent is played by Valeria Lukyanova, that real life chick who, with the help of chestral implants and contact lenses, looks like a human Barbie doll. She appears to be in mint condition. But once she’s been taken out of the box, the collector’s value drops by half.

THE RIZEN (JANUARY 2, 2018/VOD)
“The year is 1955. NATO and the Allied Forces have been conducting secret, occult experiments in a bid to win the Arms Race. They have finally succeeded, but what they have unleashed could tear our world apart. Now one woman must lead the only other two survivors past faceless horrors that threaten to kill or capture them at every turn. They are the only ones left who can fight to close a door that should never have been opened.”

Army experiments or paranormal zombies? Probably both, since the military has been known to dabble in Ouija boards and Magic 8-balls, which is what we used to win the war. Those things are badass.

THE NEW MUTANTS (April 13, 2018)
“Five young mutants, just discovering their abilities while held in a secret facility against their will, fight to escape their past sins and save themselves.”

Is it me, or is everyone getting tired of X-Men type movies? Or maybe I’m just jealous that everybody’s a mutant except me. Probably both.

THE BONE BOX (2018)
“Depressed and reeling from the recent death of his wife, Tom has built up quite a gambling debt. He goes to stay with his wealthy Aunt Florence in hopes that she will write him into her will. When a nasty creditor makes it clear that Tom is out of time, he devises a plan with Elodie, the undertaker’s daughter, to rob the graves of the rich townspeople buried in the cemetery across the road. After plundering the graves, Tom begins hearing and seeing strange things that seem to coincide with the deaths of the people he robbed. Even more disconcerting, he appears to be the only one sensing the occurrences. One question lingers: Is Tom’s conscience playing a trick on him — or is he really being haunted by those he stole from?”

Yeesh — you DO NOT want to steal from the dead. They can see what you do in the bathroom and then tell the other dead people. You DO NOT want the deceased laughing at you. First, it doesn’t sound like LOL-ing, but more of a “I’ll Kill Yoooouuu” freaky shriek. This is why comedians don’t let dead people into their shows.

Medieval Dead

The tag line for the awesomely hilarious Army of Darkness (1993) says it best: “Trapped in time, surrounded by evil, low on gas.” That’s gosh-darned funnier than all heck.

Ash gets sucked into a swirly time portal after battling the evil dead in Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn (1987). He and his 1973 Oldsmobile are dropped from the sky into a back in time land currently being plagued by, yep, more evil dead.

Having lost his hand by his own hand (heh) in Evil Dead 2 and having replaced it with a chain saw, Ash reluctantly joins forces with the local king to battle the dead after Ash himself accidentally invokes them. See, Ash’s only way home is with the Necronomicon, a demonic book whose cover is made of human flesh (instead of preferred edible cardboard).

He has to go into the fog-shrouded Land of the Dead to get it, utter an incantation (which he hilariously screws up), and then haul future buttock back to the castle to say his click your heels three times goodbyes.

The Deadites (great name) want their book back, Ash is stuck, and everyone hates his guts. This thing is loaded with awesome evil dead demons, a ton of Three Stooges pratfalls, and an endless stream of classic Ash retorts: “Hail to the King, baby!,” “Gimme some sugar, baby,” and the timelessly brilliant: “Alright you primitive screwheads, listen up…”

Ash/Bruce Campbell is the Marlon Brando of all things evil and dead.

Phantasm Ravager Has Big Balls

You know how life totally sucks and then every once in a while something comes along to make things not so totally sucky? The announcement that not only is there a new Phantasm movie, but that it’s already done and gearing for release, is one of those somethings.

Filming completely off the radar, Phantasm Ravager (cool flippin’ title) is the fifth and final Phantasm movie, one of the coolest horror franchises ever. How they did this without anyone blabbing all over the Internet is almost as astonishing as the sequel itself, of which promises us the biggest sphere of all. (Think Godzilla-sized pinball.)

Phantasm, released in 1979, pitted an ice cream truck driver and friends against the Tall Man, the iconic otherworldly undertaker that robs graves and takes the dead bodies into his dimension, squishes the corpses into hooded zombie dwarves, and brings them back to life. And why does the Tall Man do this? To take over the world. Duh.

And Reggie Bannister, the ice cream truck driver? Easily right up there with Ash of the Evil Dead series as a regular guy going against horrific, apocalyptic and supernatural throw-downs, all the while getting in a few good one-liners and driving a seriously cool car – a 1971 Plymouth Barracuda. (The ice cream truck was pretty cool, too, especially since it’s refrigerated – heh.)

So what’s the deal with Phantasm Ravager? Still stars Reggie, our fav hero. Still stars the original Tall Man. Still written by original writer/direction Don Coscarelli. Still features those insane flying chrome spheres that sprout Swiss Army knife sharp things that drill into your face and pump out the yellow goo that used to be your thought goo.

And just when is Phantasm Ravager scheduled for release? Got bumped out to 2016, probably because they needed more ball polish. Okay, that didn’t sound right.

P.S. Here’s your binge homework for the week: Phantasm (1979), Phantasm II (1988), Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead (1994), and Phantasm IV: Oblivion (1998).