Monstrous Manuals, Predatory Fossils, Divine DNA

There’s only one thing better than watching horror movies. Okay, having a refreshing adult beverage ranks right up there. But staying with the theme of horror (again, quit making me write about drinking), READING about horror is the next best thing. 

Where to start, though? There are currently one billion trillion books on horror, with another seven million coming out this week. A suggestion would be to head on over to Rue Morgue’s fantastic website and pick up Monstro Bizzaro: An Essential Manual of Mysterious Monsters (132 pages/soft bound), their comprehensive compendium of all things crytpid and folklore. And it’s only $14.95. Heck, you’d pay that for a keg of St. Ides High Gravity Malt Liquor™ or seven 7-Eleven™ Cupcake Vodka martinis. (And yes, Cupcake Vodka is a real thing — I bought a case. It’s absolutely face-imploding. As I’m not wasteful, I’ll drink the rest and angrily demand a refund.)

And Rue Morgue publishes a variety of cool horror movie books. For instance, their Authorized Phantasm Film Companion pairs nicely with a cupcake martini. And who wouldn’t want to peruse Rue’s Monster Movie Heroes must-read while nuzzling a chilled, austere carafe of Colt 45™? At this point all you’d need is an overstuffed reading chair (or couch), a gently burning fire (preferably in a fireplace), your fav jammies (underwear) and a bathroom close by.

While you go to RueMorgue.com to expand your horror library — and a discount liquor store to explore the horror that is your life choices — here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as rewarding as a scintillating quart of King Cobra™…

PTERODACTYL / Out now (Tubi™)

“A young woman travels to a remote island to find her missing sister.”

Given the movie’s title/art, seems like they left out a few details. Allow me: “A young woman travels to a remote island to find her missing sister…only to find her turned into a human snack bar by once-thought prehistoric parrots, who swallow without chewing her innards as if they were Oyster Rockefellers.” And there you go.

DRAGON FURY: WRATH OF THE FIRE / Out now (VOD)

“After surviving the events of the first movie, Vanessa has gone into hiding after being threatened by the government. However, a group of researchers find and convince her to go back to the mountains — and this time the dragons are more deadly than ever.”

This one was also called (or “referred to”) as Dragon Fury 2: Return To the Mountains. I like the new title better as it has a little more zing to it. The movie itself? Not so much.

SADISTIC: THE EXORCISM OF LILY DECKERT / Out now (VOD)

“A young woman becomes possessed by an evil entity after visiting a haunted house.”

Where else are you gonna get possessed by evil, besides church, that is? Usually when I become possessed by an evil entity, I run to the bathroom, stick a plunger down my neck, spew the foulness all over everything except the toilet, and swear to whoever lives in those puffy storm clouds in the sky that I will NEVER go back to Taco Bell™ and eat their Crunchwrap Supreme® Combo ever again. Until next week, maybe.

THE DEVIL CONSPIRACY / January 13, 2023 (Theaters)

“A powerful biotech company has breakthrough technology allowing them to clone history’s most influential people with just a few fragments of DNA. Behind this company is a cabal of Satanists that steals the shroud of Christ, putting them in possession of Jesus’ DNA. The clone will serve as the ultimate offering to the Devil. Archangel Michael comes to Earth and will stop at nothing to end the Devil’s conspiracy.”

I can see the reviews now: “The Vatican Gives A Five-Star Pentagram For The Devil Conspiracy!” “Holy Moley!” enthuses Pope Larry. “It’s the most original plot since The Exorcist! Hope that Jesus guy doesn’t get ‘cross’ for us saying that…”

Death Balls, Dolled Up Horror, Supervillain Rebirth

Of all the horror movie collectibles out there, you be hard pressed to find something as cool as the full-scale replica of the Phantasm flying death spheres. And here’s the even cooler part — the spheres come as part of the brand new Phantasm Limited Collector’s Edition Blu-ray set of the complete film series. I already have the moves, but no flying death spheres. Time to dip into the retirement fund YET AGAIN.

Due out Halloween of 2019, the Phantasm Sphere Collection will be pumped up with new extras and a “be a meticulous 4K restoration of 1988’s Phantasm II.” But wait, there’s more: the set will also come with a new documentary on the making of Phantasm: Ravager (2016). I just re-booted in my pants.

Don’t know how much it’ll cost, nor do I care. One should never have to go through life without a flying death sphere. While we all wait to quit pee shivering, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not stick in your head like a flying death sphere…

THRILLER (April 14, 2019/Netflix™)
“Years after a childhood prank goes horribly wrong, a clique of South Central LA teens find themselves terrorized during Homecoming Weekend by a killer hell-bent on revenge.”

Cool: All African-American cast. Not cool: The seriously cliched and worn out plot/title.

BRAHMS: THE BOY II (July 26, 2019)
“A young family, unaware of the terrifying history of the estate into which they move, their young son soon makes an unsettling new friend, an eerily life-like doll he calls Brahms.”

The sequel to the not-too-shabby The Boy (2016). Was hesitant to watch another “possessed doll” movie, but it had a nice, nasty twist as well as the staggeringly gorgeous Lauren Cohan (Maggie, The Walking Dead) in it. Now there’s a doll I’d like to possess.

JOKER (October 4, 2019)
“In 1981, a failed stand-up comedian, disregarded by his society, turns to a life of crime and chaos in Gotham City, slowly rising up to become a frightening legend.”

A new spin on Batman’s bestie forever foe. And judging by the trailer, it’s gonna be awesomely awesome. Note to Batman: run.

Large And In Charge Halloween, Family Devils, Dancing Werewolves

Torrid.com, a fashion site specializing in clothing for plus-sized women, just came out with this season’s Halloween costume line. In your face, stupid body shamers!

Ladies, in any size/shape, are all Wonder Women — and Torrid even has the WW costume to back that up. You can also get cool Halloween-wear like Maleficent (complete with those sweet curvy horns), Spider-Girl (it’ll make the fellas web their pants), Voodoo Doll (guys — if you see a gal wearing this, you may start feeling a small prick), and the fashionable-year-’round Bat costume.

So the next time you wanna make disparaging remarks about a woman’s looks and/or size, remember the irony — people who do this have fat heads.

Here are a few now available/upcoming horror/science fiction movies to give you something better to do…

DON’T LET THE DEVIL IN (available now)
“After being relocated from the city to a small Appalachian town in order to oversea the development of a casino, Land Developer John Harris and his wife, previously warned there would be resentment within the community, soon find themselves entangled within a tapestry of pure evil that lurks within.”

Tapestry of pure evil. How can you resist a line like that? It’s right up there with “drapery of doom” and “a carpet of carnage.” Kinda makes me wanna give my apartment a makeover.

BUNNYMAN VENGEANCE (October 20, 2017/VOD)
“The man known as Bunnyman returns home to find his family running a haunted house attraction. The family welcomes him home, but soon realizes you cannot domesticate a wild animal. Death and mayhem ensue as the family turn on one another to fulfill their bloodlust.”

The third in a trilogy of a serial killer wearing a dirty Easter bunny costume. Didn’t think they had two more in ’em after the first one. But hey, when is a slasher in a kill-stained bunny outfit not entertaining?

DANCES WITH WEREWOLVES (October 31, 2017/VOD)
“Cassie flees an abusive relationship and falls victim to a moon-worshiping 600 year old Romanian Countess. A troubled paranormal investigator of Native American heritage finds himself in a deadly love triangle with a battered-woman werewolf.”

This title sure gets around: movies, books/adult fiction memoirs, paranormal crime paperbacks, animated cartoons, YouTube™ videos of werewolves dancing to The Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive” mega disco hit… There’s even funny fake movie posters online riffing on Kevin Costner’s Dancing With Wolves 1990 movie. (He’s kinda convincing as a hunter of man-beasts.) But this one features Phantasm/horror icon Angus Scrimm in his last role before passing away in 2016 at the age of 89. You’re never too old to dance/do battle with werewolves.

ISTY BITSY (2018)
“Kara moves from New York to the quiet countryside with her two children for a job opportunity she can’t afford to turn down. The family moves into their humble new guesthouse. Kara begins her work as a private nurse to Walter, a man stricken with multiple sclerosis and an appraiser of rare antiquities with a secretive past. Doom precedes them. Akiba, a shady international associate of Walter’s, brings with him a mysterious relic of ancient origin. All too quickly they discover the relic contains more than just legends. Inside, waits a terrifying creature born of ancient darkness and pure instinct…a prehistoric cave spider unlike the modern world has ever seen.”

Spiders existed in prehistoric times? Stink beetles, sure. But eight-legged bugs? Sounds so made up. (This is what happens when you watch too many horror movies and your brain turns into oatmeal.) I hope the cave spider looks like/grows to the size of a dinosaur. I think dinosaurs may have existed in prehistoric times. Gonna have to click on something to verify. But not right now. For some reason I’m craving a bowl of oatmeal.

The Horror of 2016

“Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?”

Best line in recent contemporary horror as whispered by the tempting, unseen evil thing in The Witch, one of the 2016’s least conventional but deliciously grim horror movies. I haven’t heard a line that good since “I know you are, but what am I?” from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure (1985).

The second best line of dialogue of the year comes not from a horror/sci-fi movie, but from the TV series Supergirl: “It’s time to punch you in the face…” (Note to anyone not using glitter chapstick – Supergirl is faring far better under the CW™ tweener banner than it did with CBS™, who had no idea what to do with superheroes sporting abnormally perfect teeth and Clearasil Ultra Rapid Action™ complexions. This is CW’s™ wheelhouse, man.)

In a year fraught with horror (politics notwithstanding), there were more than a few genre movie and TV stand-outs. And while I’m a world famous (ahem) blogger of horror/sci-fi, this e-offering is not even close to being comprehensive and I am by no means an authority on the subject. (I’m an expert at being NOT an expert.)

Of the ton of big/low-budget genre movie/TV crap I’ve watched all year long, the following represents a few chunks of interesting crap therein. You don’t have to agree with me, though, just because I’m a world famous blogger [insert nervous cough here]…

THE WITCH
This unforgettable chiller introduced horror’s best new figurehead: Black Phillip, the Danny Trejo (or “Machete”) of badass barnyard animals.

SHIN GODZILLA
F-word amazing. They gave reboot G several insanely cool upgrades while holding true to Godzilla’s original hairstyle, including his “one-blow-blows-up-all” destructo breath: purple-y AND flame-y. That’s pretty sweet. Shin Godzilla, almost all filmed in broad daylight, shows Godzilla doing what he does best: making smash hits. I’d buy his album.

TRAIN TO BUSAN
A South Korean zombie movie that mops the floor with every other zombie movie released this year. So ridiculously intense is this thing (passengers trapped on a speeding commuter train while zombies board without passes), you don’t need English translation. (I went legit and watched it without sub-titles. That’s how I roll.)

10 CLOVERFIELD LANE
Was this a sequel to 2008’s Cloverfield? There are those who walk among us that say yes. Doesn’t matter — while the movie climaxed with alien stuff (if you didn’t already know that — ha!), it’s the premise of several super tense characters in a rural underground survivalist bunker (two of which are there involuntarily) that brings the real horror.

ROB ZOMBIE’S 31
Like him or not, Rob Zombie always makes stomach-turning, gritty and gory horror movies. This one puts a group of traveling carnival white trash performers in a huge maze inside a huge warehouse-y type building, facing off in a brutal do-or-die obstacle course with highly colorful and pretty darn mean maniacs (Doom-Head, Sick-Head, Schizo-Head, Psycho-Head, Death-Head, Sex-Head), all wielding power tools. Make it out of the building, you live. Sort of.

PHANTASM RAVAGER
Does this final installment of the surreal and beloved Phantasm franchise deliver the groceries? Yes and not yes. Given that it’s been nearly 20 years since the last one (Phantasm IV: Oblivion/1998) and brings back the original characters, all of which puts you in the zone, Phantasm Ravager still leaves a pile of unanswered questions, like what happened to Reggie’s 1971 Plymouth Barracuda (second only to the Batmobile in sleek coolness)? But hey, those iconic flying death spheres, aka, gasoline-powered sharp things? All over the freakin’ place.

DEADPOOL / CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR / BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE / SUICIDE SQUAD / DOCTOR STRANGE
Great year for great superhero movies. All of the above kicked ass to varying degrees of ass kicking. And Suicide Squad’s dementedly drop dead sexy Harley Quinn ranks with Deadpool and Black Phillip as a top genre icon of the year. (Godzilla’s already in the Hall of Fame, so giving somebody else a chance here.)

Honorary mention goes to Ben Affleck’s Batman, who puts the dark in Dark Knight. (He drinks the hard stuff, two syllable swears, horizontally smooches the ladies, takes pill-shaped drugs, beats people like drums then tortures/shoots them, and socks Superman right on his justice-shaped jaw. On top of that, he drives really fast and crashes into stuff. Batman gives driving lessons, not takes them.)

A few thoughts on some other this and thats…

ARRIVAL
Not just a good movie, but a great UFO movie that doesn’t rely on all out paranoid military warfare on our space brothers, who look a heckuva lot like seafood appetizers. P.S. to the Internet: I’ve seen nearly every UFO video on YouTube™ and they’re starting to look fake. I’m beginning to think UFOs aren’t real. But that’s probably just crazy talk.

THE SHALLOWS
You can still be the most heavy metal, human-gulping shark with extra teeth in the ocean, but you still take second seat to Blake Lively’s seat in a string bikini worn throughout the ENTIRE MOVIE.

FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM
An enthralling movie set in 1920s New York with wizards and a menagerie of off-the-hook mythical creatures and monsters, the likes of which have not been seen since the last WWE pay-per-view. Y’know, I bet Harry Potter fans might like this.

MISS PEREGRINE’S HOME FOR PECULIAR CHILDREN
In my day a home for peculiar children was called “summer camp.” A bunch of mutation kids with unique abilities: floating, projecting movies through eyes, starting fires by touching stuff, super strength, control of nature, and my fav, eating through a mouth on the back of your head. You could take down a Frisko Freeze™ double deluxe burger in one mouth while sucking down a chocolate shake with the other. I wouldst like to live deliciously.

THE BOY
Featured The Walking Dead’s walking gorgeous Lauren Cohan. I wasn’t aware of anything else in the movie. I think it had some sort of boy in it. I think he was a puppet, which is just plain weird.

MORGAN
A genetic experiment gone wrong — or right, depending on where you stand on a contemporary updating of Frankenstein (1931).

There were a few genre misfires this year, though, including Independence Day: Resurgence, (we need to issue a formal apology to extraterrestrials), X-Men: Apocalypse (yeesh, what a mutant mess) and Star Trek Beyond, which relied more on blowing up things than the story line. Speaking of, why do they have to keep exploding the USS Enterprise over and over? Man, I wanted to drive that thing.

So what do we have to look forward to from here? According to IMDB.com there’s approximately 1,000+ horror/sci-fi/fantasy/superhero movies (Wonder Woman – I await you) slated for release in 2017. Butt — meet couch. Like Doctor Strange, I’m looking through space and time (and Collider.com) for Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018), Godzilla, King of Monsters (2019) and Godzilla vs. King Kong (hopefully before I croak). All the other stuff watched is what I’ll do to pass time/pass gas/pass out until those movies come to enrich my life.

Monsters, Deadites, Aliens and…The Tall Man

A few more notable horror movies/TV events I felt compelled to clog your eyeballs with: Gnawbone (indie creature feature), Ash vs. Evil Dead Season 2 (dancing in the streets), Aliens 30th Anniversary (with a billion extras) and a 4k remastered version of Phantasm. (Put my picture above the description of the word “glee.”)

Releasing October 2016, Gnawbone features no CGI creature, but rather a much preferred man in a monster suit. If the trailer is any indication, it fits him well. Here’s a plot to chew on: “A boy that witnesses something that takes the life of his grandfather. Thinking that the traumatic event created a false memory, a psychologist wants the now 21 year old young man to face his fears by trekking into the woods. With the help of friends, he might be able to process these memories and come to terms with that scared little boy. Or is that memory actually the truth…”

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say it’s the truth.

The first season of Ash vs. Evil Dead was classically brilliant, massively entertaining and the best dang TV show in the history of ever. And I say that without hyperbole. Here’s what’s in store for Season 2, which premiers on Starz™ October 2nd at 8:00pm ET/PT: “ Since Season One, Ash has been living it up in Jacksonville with his loyal sidekick Pablo and the revenge-filled Kelly. Season Two kicks off with a double Deadite battle royale interrupting the party; Ash is forced to return back to his hometown of Elk Grove, Michigan…and as always, Evil follows him.”

I’m so happy I think I just downloaded.

Up next is the 30th anniversary release of Aliens, critically regarded one the best horror/sci-fi sequels ever made. This version comes with a Nostromo sized pile of extras. That’s the good part. The bad part is a Nostromo sized pile of this content has already been released in the The Alien Legacy collection, which I’ve purchased about seven or eleven times. But hey, it’s your bit coin, so spend away. Here’s another tidbit to help you loosen those purse strings: An all-new cover was created exclusively for this 30th Anniversary Edition. That’s exclusively, people.

As Oscar™worthy horror movie franchises go, I’m pant-fillingly excited about the September 24, 2016 theatrical re-release restoration of Phantasm (1979) in glorious 4k. I don’t know what 4k means, but I can only assume it means double awesome. Add one more scoop of awesome when its released on VOD on October 7, 2017.

You remember Phantasm, right? “A young boy enlists the aid of his older brother and an ice cream man to investigate the mysterious deaths plaguing his town. He soon learns that at the heart of all the death is the terrifying Tall Man.”

This bland press blurb doesn’t even come close to the mind-bending awesomeness therein. But you already knew that, right?

Phantasm Ravager Has Big Balls

You know how life totally sucks and then every once in a while something comes along to make things not so totally sucky? The announcement that not only is there a new Phantasm movie, but that it’s already done and gearing for release, is one of those somethings.

Filming completely off the radar, Phantasm Ravager (cool flippin’ title) is the fifth and final Phantasm movie, one of the coolest horror franchises ever. How they did this without anyone blabbing all over the Internet is almost as astonishing as the sequel itself, of which promises us the biggest sphere of all. (Think Godzilla-sized pinball.)

Phantasm, released in 1979, pitted an ice cream truck driver and friends against the Tall Man, the iconic otherworldly undertaker that robs graves and takes the dead bodies into his dimension, squishes the corpses into hooded zombie dwarves, and brings them back to life. And why does the Tall Man do this? To take over the world. Duh.

And Reggie Bannister, the ice cream truck driver? Easily right up there with Ash of the Evil Dead series as a regular guy going against horrific, apocalyptic and supernatural throw-downs, all the while getting in a few good one-liners and driving a seriously cool car – a 1971 Plymouth Barracuda. (The ice cream truck was pretty cool, too, especially since it’s refrigerated – heh.)

So what’s the deal with Phantasm Ravager? Still stars Reggie, our fav hero. Still stars the original Tall Man. Still written by original writer/direction Don Coscarelli. Still features those insane flying chrome spheres that sprout Swiss Army knife sharp things that drill into your face and pump out the yellow goo that used to be your thought goo.

And just when is Phantasm Ravager scheduled for release? Got bumped out to 2016, probably because they needed more ball polish. Okay, that didn’t sound right.

P.S. Here’s your binge homework for the week: Phantasm (1979), Phantasm II (1988), Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead (1994), and Phantasm IV: Oblivion (1998).