Archive for chain saw

Sharks With Tan Lines

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 18, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Malibu Shark Attack

Underwater earthquakes off the coast of California release a school of prehistoric sharks hell bent on eating anything wearing a bikini. And these Goblin sharks do a LOT of gobblin’: surfers, skin divers, swimmers — anything that rhymes with food.

Malibu Shark Attack

So what were the sharks doing for a million years while buried under the ocean? Playing cards, would be my guess. Probably Go Fish™. Don’t give me that look — that joke was gold.

Malibu Shark Attack

The earthquakes cause a tsunami, which obliterates those suns of beaches. In a genius move four lifeguards and two beachers make it into a lifeguard stand and ride out the Big Wave. Never mind that the lifeguard stand is basically painted balsa wood that manages to take a direct hit from the wave without snapping into toothpicks, or that the tsunami crushes everything else into jellyfish.

Malibu Shark Attack

The survivors (for now) are trapped in the shelter with Goblin sharks skinny-dipping around them. Brilliant, I tell you. The sharks, unfortunately, meet their seafood destiny at the end of a Black & Decker™ chainsaw (B&D should use that in their marketing brochures.)

Malibu Shark Attack

Goblin sharks have cartoonish protruding snouts, which look like novelty-store noses. Only thing missing is over-sized eye-glasses and squirting flowers on their lapels. They look stupid. Malibu Shark Attack (2009) is stupid. I’m stupid. Oh, yeah? Well, so are you. So there.

Medieval Dead

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 22, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Army of Darkness

The tag line for the awesomely hilarious Army of Darkness (1993) says it best: “Trapped in time, surrounded by evil, low on gas.” That’s gosh-darned funnier than all heck.

Army of Darkness

Ash gets sucked into a swirly time portal after battling the evil dead in Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn (1987). He and his 1973 Oldsmobile are dropped from the sky into a back in time land currently being plagued by, yep, more evil dead.

Army of Darkness

Having lost his hand by his own hand (heh) in Evil Dead 2 and having replaced it with a chain saw, Ash reluctantly joins forces with the local king to battle the dead after Ash himself accidentally invokes them. See, Ash’s only way home is with the Necronomicon, a demonic book whose cover is made of human flesh (instead of preferred edible cardboard).

Army of DarknessHe has to go into the fog-shrouded Land of the Dead to get it, utter an incantation (which he hilariously screws up), and then haul future buttock back to the castle to say his click your heels three times goodbyes.

Army of Darkness

The Deadites (great name) want their book back, Ash is stuck, and everyone hates his guts. This thing is loaded with awesome evil dead demons, a ton of Three Stooges pratfalls, and an endless stream of classic Ash retorts: “Hail to the King, baby!,” “Gimme some sugar, baby,” and the timelessly brilliant: “Alright you primitive screwheads, listen up…”

Ash/Bruce Campbell is the Marlon Brando of all things evil and dead.

Same Old Saw And Dance

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 8, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Leatherface

Apparently seven Texas Chain Saw Massacre movies simply aren’t enough, so they’re making YET ANOTHER one. Titled Leatherface and slated for a 2016 release, this one is described as a prequel and seeks to explain the formative years of the skin-wearing, power tool endorsing horror icon.

In a “gimme a freakin’ break” maneuver, Leatherface’s real name is Jackson Sawyer and they “cleverly” got the word “saw” in his name. (Good thing he tormented people with a chain saw instead of a garden hose.)

After you’re done yawning, here’s the plot: “The story chronicles the events in Jackson’s teen years, revealing how he became the infamous Leatherface. Violent teenager Jackson escapes from a mental hospital with fellow inmates Bud, Ike and Clarice. The group kidnaps nurse Lizzy in their escape. As the group flees with their captive, they are pursued by Hal Hartman, a vengeful and determined Texas Ranger.”

Leatherface

As this is a prequel, we already know the Texas Ranger, however vengeful and determined he is, was/is unable to get the job done. If he did, we wouldn’t have had to endure all the pointless Texas Chain Saw cash-ins.

This same prequel premise has been done with Freddy Krueger, Micheal Myers, and Norman Bates, et al, so it was only a matter of time before they did it to Leatherface. Which means you’ve already seen this movie and it hasn’t even come out yet.

Feel free to yawn some more.

Horror: Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Redwood Massacre

The best thing about being a decades long horror movie fan is that I’ve seen almost everything. The worst part about being a decades long horror movie fan is that I’ve seen almost everything. And not everything as in every horror movie ever made. (My couch would graft itself onto my DNA.) Nope, I mean every horror plot device – of which there are only five – to come down the pipe.

Take The Redwood Massacre, hitting DVD and VOD on July 7th, 2015. Everything, from it’s generic slasher title to the premise of five teens partying in the woods, to the masked killer with an ax has been done so many times before, it’s beyond laughable. But feel free to laugh, anyway.

First, why YET ANOTHER slasher? In the face of those real weirdo nut-cakes on the news that do far worse, any horror movie slasher now just comes across as cartoonish.

And the five teens in the woods? That’s is so cliched it’s like the writer of The Redwood Massacre didn’t even take the cap off his pen.

The Redwood Massacre

Want more proof? Here’s the plot: “For five adventurous friends, visiting the legendary murder site of the Redwood House has all the hallmarks of being an exciting and thrilling camping weekend. A popular site for revelers and party-goers, each year on the exact date of the famous local family massacre, people from around the country head out to the site to have fun and scare each other. Events take a bloody turn for the worse when the innocent campers discover the Redwood legend is in fact a horrible, bloody reality, which turns the unsuspecting victims into prey for a mysterious ax-wielding maniac who has remained dormant for 20 years.”

Axe-wielding masked psychopath on a killing rampage. Hmmm – where have we heard of that before? I know – EVERYWHERE. Case in point – here’s IMDB.com’s description of 1974’s The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, made over 40 years ago: “Five friends visiting their grandfather’s house in the country are hunted and terrorized by a chain-saw wielding killer.”

To illustrate just how simple it is the come up with a horror story, go to PlotGenerator.org.uk and simply fill in the form field. Takes a minute or two. Then click the “Write Me A Horror Plot” button at the bottom and, presto – you just came up with The Redwood Massacre.

P.S. Scarecrow’s stylish headwear in Batman Begins (2005) beat the mysterious ax-wielding maniac in The Redwood Massacre to the fashion runway by a decade.
Scarecrow

Classic ’70s Sleaze Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Eaten Alive

Hard to come up with a horror movie title more tantalizing than 1977’s Eaten Alive. Oh sure they tried, even by re-titling this Seventies lurid gem: Death Trap, Horror Hotel and Starlight Slaughter. Meh. Eaten Alive tells you everything you need to know.

And this is why it’s so cool Eaten Alive is being re-issued on Blu-ray™ with a metric ton of extras sometime in July, 2015. So why all this fuss over a low budget sleazy horror movie that barely made it to the drive-in big screens and was left collecting dust in VHS discount bins?

Eaten Alive

First, look who was involved with this thing: Tobe Hooper directed and did the soundtrack. You may remember him as the director from another forgotten little movie called The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974). Then there was a starring role from Caroline Jones, widely known as Morticia from The Addams Family cult TV series (1964 – 1966) playing a brothel owner. And who is that shirtless redneck hick trying to score with a hooker? None other than Freddy Krueger himself – Robert England. Marilyn Burns, who played the endlessly screaming survivor in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, stars as an unhappy wife. How can you ever be happy after being tormented by a chain saw?

Eaten Alive

Eaten Alive has it all – a war-damaged scuzzy hotel owner, some bare boobies, some gory deaths by way of a scythe, and a GIANT CROCODILE. Set in the Louisiana swamp backwoods, Judd, the hotel proprietor, has loose noodles for brains and keeps the aforementioned GIANT CROCODILE as a pet in the stink pond the hotel (more like a shack with several rooms) ’round back. Throw in a beleaguered prostitute, a feisty redneck, some guests who shouldn’t really be there and the GIANT CROCODILE that eats you alive, you have a movie that practically writes itself.

Eaten Alive

The re-issued Eaten Alive contains so many extras, it would take me away from watching my UFO stories on YouTube™ to list ’em all here. Of the plethora of bonus stuff, I’m visibly shocked they didn’t have an interview with the GIANT CROCODILE itself, reminiscing about what Freddy Krueger tastes like. Then again, it’s not polite to talk with your mouth full.