Evil Meets Rock, Military Mistakes, Stealing From The Dead

Kiss Army Darkness

The rock band KISS meets Ash from the Evil Dead in a new graphic comic books series, in KISS/Army of Darkness. Talk about a match-up of pay-per-view worthiness. Here’s from the press release…

KISS is on top of the world and rocking faces until the night disciples of The Destroyer show up and the band disappears. With the tour canceled, a young Ash misses one of the most important events of his life that will change his destiny. Now the Chosen One has to get back on the right path and join the KISS ARMY OF DARKNESS. The raging guitar chords and pyrotechnic spectacle of the KISS stage shows could have come straight from the pages of the Necronomicon, and this epic battle between The Demon and Deadites will appeal to the hellions in all of us!”

Kiss Army Darkness

They had me at rocking faces. The press release further tells us the series is being written by Chad Bowers and Chris Sims, with Ruairi Coleman providing the illustration. At this time I’d like to order 100 copies of the first issue when it comes out in February of 2018. And would it kill KISS to autograph every single one of them, personally made out to ME?

Until KISS finds a box of laundry markers, here are a few just release/upcoming and possibly graphic horror/sci-fi movies to help me/you/us while away the days…

The Doll

THE DOLL (available now)
“When Chris and Andy order a model from an escort service, they find that something is unnaturally wrong with Natasha, something deadly wrong.”

The girlfriend-for-rent is played by Valeria Lukyanova, that real life chick who, with the help of chestral implants and contact lenses, looks like a human Barbie doll. She appears to be in mint condition. But once she’s been taken out of the box, the collector’s value drops by half.

The Rizen

THE RIZEN (JANUARY 2, 2018/VOD)
“The year is 1955. NATO and the Allied Forces have been conducting secret, occult experiments in a bid to win the Arms Race. They have finally succeeded, but what they have unleashed could tear our world apart. Now one woman must lead the only other two survivors past faceless horrors that threaten to kill or capture them at every turn. They are the only ones left who can fight to close a door that should never have been opened.”

Army experiments or paranormal zombies? Probably both, since the military has been known to dabble in Ouija boards and Magic 8-balls, which is what we used to win the war. Those things are badass.

The New Mutants

THE NEW MUTANTS (April 13, 2018)
“Five young mutants, just discovering their abilities while held in a secret facility against their will, fight to escape their past sins and save themselves.”

Is it me, or is everyone getting tired of X-Men type movies? Or maybe I’m just jealous that everybody’s a mutant except me. Probably both.

The Bone Box

THE BONE BOX (2018)
“Depressed and reeling from the recent death of his wife, Tom has built up quite a gambling debt. He goes to stay with his wealthy Aunt Florence in hopes that she will write him into her will. When a nasty creditor makes it clear that Tom is out of time, he devises a plan with Elodie, the undertaker’s daughter, to rob the graves of the rich townspeople buried in the cemetery across the road. After plundering the graves, Tom begins hearing and seeing strange things that seem to coincide with the deaths of the people he robbed. Even more disconcerting, he appears to be the only one sensing the occurrences. One question lingers: Is Tom’s conscience playing a trick on him — or is he really being haunted by those he stole from?”

Yeesh — you DO NOT want to steal from the dead. They can see what you do in the bathroom and then tell the other dead people. You DO NOT want the deceased laughing at you. First, it doesn’t sound like LOL-ing, but more of a “I’ll Kill Yoooouuu” freaky shriek. This is why comedians don’t let dead people into their shows.

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