Archive for Kinkos

Box Set Ghost, India Werewolf, Demon Blackmail

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, paranormal, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 26, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fans of J-horror will make leakage in their kimono over the definitive box set compilation of Ju-On: The Grudge, Japan’s landmark upset ghost franchise. Releasing December 19, 2022, the five-disc set, with a metric ton of extras, sells for $70.00 fun bucks (or 10,417.00 yen), though you can find it $10.00 cheaper on sale if you’d just put in the time to dig around. Click HERE to see all the ingredients.

What’s that you say? You don’t know what Ju-On is? Prepare to be educated via their press release: “Ju-On is the name given to a deadly curse spawned when someone dies in the grip of a violent rage. All who come into contact with it are doomed. Collected together for the first time, writer-director Takashi Shimizu’s Ju-On: The Grudge series represents the flesh-crawling pinnacle of Japanese chillers that swept the globe at the turn of the millennium.”

“The films introduce the anonymous family house in the suburbs of Tokyo where an unspeakable evil lingers alongside its residents, the ghastly mother-son pairing of Kayoko and Toshio Saeki. Shimizu’s disconcerting approach to plotting, unnerving eye for the uncanny details in the dark corners of the frame and an innate talent for effective jump scares so impressed Evil Dead director Sam Raimi that he invited the director to helm two Hollywood remakes.”

So while you go online to buy the box set, which contains all the Grudge movies and has the same long black stringy haired white faced demon ghost in every one of ‘em, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you want to fashionably style your stringy hair…

DEMONS AT DAWN / October 28, 2022 (VOD)

“A retired hitman is blackmailed into taking one last job. However, during his mission, he uncovers a satanic cult that uses human sacrifice to summon demons.”

Human sacrifice seems so ancient Inca. Why can’t satanic cults just summon demons using Facebook™ like everybody else?

BHEDIYA / November 25, 2022 (Theaters)

Bhaskar gets bitten by a mythical wolf and begins to transform into a creature himself. In order to find answers about his condition and turn himself back into a human he must then team with a group of ragtag buddies before it’s too late.”

This one’s being billed as India’s very first creature comedy. About time, geez. A preview said “Bhediya essentially looks like Bollywood’s answer to An American Werewolf in London.” Better title: A Mumbai Werewolf in India.

MEAN-SPIRITED /Pending release, 2023

“A wannabe YouTuber™ who set out to bury the hatchet with his celebrity friend, just to find out that he is not quite himself anymore.”

A wanna be YouTuber™. That’s like being hired to be the assistant to the guy who just got promoted from janitor to cashier at Kinkos™.

DON’T COME BACK ALIVE / Pending release, 2022/2023

“Police officer Camila, criminal prosecutor Fátima, and police detective Ángel, are used to face extremely dangerous situations, gruesome murder cases and evil criminals. During an operation in a dangerous area, they have an encounter with a female albino figure in a suicide-by-immolation ritual. This being, more powerful than death itself, is here to play with them a wicked game.”

So by going up in flames, you turn yourself into something more powerful than an overheated lava lamp itself? You set the bar way too low, man.

Horrible Music, Sci-Fi Squared, Blood On The Tracks

Posted in demons, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

For anyone who knows how to read, J. Blake Fichera’s Scored To Death film music books pull back the curtain on the (somebody else said the following, not me) “unique, dark wizardry that is scoring for horror.” And now Maestro Fichera’s vision expands into film itself with a feature length documentary, Scored To Death: The Dark Art of Scary Movie Music.”

Don’t set the table just yet: The completion of said documentary depends on YOU. Yep, this is a crowdfunded venture, and (from the press release) “To help offset the costs of creating such a documentary. Running now through Halloween, all proceeds from the campaign (Kickstarter™) will go directly toward the project. Although casting is still underway, some of the confirmed contributors include John Massari (Killer Klowns from Outer Space), Christopher Young (Hellraiser, Drag Me to Hell), Holly Amber Church (Open 24 Hours), Harry Manfredini (Friday the 13th), and Charlie Clouser (Saw).”

While you decide if not being able to read is reason enough to help get this one across the finish line, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi films that may or may not put a quartet in the jukebox… 

REPORTAGE NOVEMBER / Out now / Digital and On-Demand via Terror Films

“The mysterious death of a mother and the disappearance of her child leads a group of freelance journalists to the outback of Sweden. The group of four, led by the famous journalist Linn Söderqvist, will make a reportage about the happening and try to find something the police missed. Equipped with cameras and supplies to survive in the forest for days, they wander out into the woods to find the truth.”

Not much truth in the woods, but plenty of conspiracy pine cones to get your reportage on. 

TERROR TRAIN / October 21, 2022 (Tubi™)

“A college student boards a train for a Halloween party, and ends up fighting for her life when a mysterious assailant begins killing the people one-by-one.”

This, of course, is a remake of the 1980 horror film by the same name. (Too bad — Choppin’ Choo-Choo has so much more zing.) In the original they had students killing it on a New Year’s Eve party train. This one is going to a Halloween box social. All a’bored.

28 DAYS HAUNTED / October 21, 2022 (Netflix™)

“Three teams spend 28 days in some of the most haunted locations in the United States, their mission being to conduct paranormal experiments based on the theories of late paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren, whose work was depicted in films such as The Amityville Horror (1979), The Conjuring (2013) and Annabelle (2014).”

Ghost-hunting is what you do after you lose your job at Kinkos™.

CUBE / October 22, 2021 (Japan — Theaters) TBD 2022 (US)

“Six men and women are suddenly trapped in the mysterious Cube. It’s unclear where this is, why they are trapped, whether there is an exit, whether they can survive, or what the room even is.”

A remake of the 1997 kinda sort sci-fi mystery with the exact same plot as listed above. Fun fact: Cube is the other name for the Tug Tavern in that once you go in you’re trapped. Except you don’t care if there’s an exit or whether or not you can survive until last call.

Killer TV, Medically-Trained Zombies, A Storm of Clowns

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 4, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Killer Movie Channel

In a sea of horror/sci-fi movie streaming channels, now comes a potential heavy hitter in the blandly named The Killer Movie Channel. Found on Roku™ and other platter platforms, TKMC seems to hit most of the right notes and is reasonably priced after a free trial: $3.99 a month/$36.00 year. For a horror movie junkie like myself, this is a good business model.

The Killer Movie Channel

Going through their offerings, if you’re a horror freak, you’ve likely seen 99% of the movies featured. And even though they seem to have a decent selection/somewhat deep catalog, you might give Shudder and/or Midnight Pulp a try. Way more content and a bit more expensive, but not a wallet buster — unless you eat from garbage cans and whatever’s stuck to the underside of a Waffle House dining tables.

Find The Killer Movie Channel HERE. And here’s a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stick to the underside of Waffle House dining tables…

The Cleanse

THE CLEANSE (May 4, 2018)
Paul Berger, an unemployed, down and out, is a heartbroken man searching for happiness. When Paul sees an ad for a spiritual retreat promising to restart your life, he immediately signs up, hoping to cleanse himself and fix his broken life. But after only a few days, he discovers the cleanse is releasing more than just everyday toxins…a lot more.”

If you’re a down and out heartbroken man with a name like Berger — which awesomely sounds like “burger” — then your priorities are all out of whack. And as for releasing more than everyday toxins, isn’t that what everybody eventually does after eating a Taco BellXXL Grilled Stuft Burrito? (Note to anyone brave enough to eat at TB — go for the Power Menu Burrito; a little less “impactful” on the plumbing.)

Feral

FERAL (May 25, 2018)
“A wild animal attacks six medical students on a weekend hike in the woods. One by one, they become infected with a ‘feral disease’, turning them into rabid, bloodthirsty creatures, and the vacation becomes a nightmare as they fight to survive each other.”

Doesn’t say much for the “medical” students if they can’t even treat being infected by gangsta pine cones and/or poisonous raccoons. So does this also mean they have to drop out of med school for becoming rabid, bloodthirsty creatures? If so, Kinkos™ will take ‘em.

Upgrade

UPGRADE (June 1, 2018)
“After his wife is killed during a brutal mugging that also leaves him paralyzed, Grey Trace is approached by a billionaire inventor with an experimental cure that will ‘upgrade’ his body. The cure — an Artificial Intelligence implant called STEM — gives Grey physical abilities beyond anything experienced and the ability to relentlessly claim vengeance against those who murdered his wife and left him for dead.”

Sounds like a mash-up of The Six Million Dollar Man (1974 — 1978) and RoboCop (1987). I’d rather have stretchy powers, like Plastic Man or Gumby, though. Bonus: I’d be waterproof!

Clownado

CLOWNADO (pending crowd-funding)
“A one of a kind thrill ride into the depths of depravity and gore! Believe it or not, it is a Horror Film Noir, with crazed killer Clowns on a rampage from Hell, out for revenge and only BLOOD can quench their savage desire for destruction! Be ready for one twisted and scary adventure!”

Funny title. I feel compelled to contribute to their fundraising campaign, especially when they hit my mental joy-buzzer with words like “depravity”, “gore” and “savage desire”, which bartenders comment when I slobberingly order bottle after bottle of Budweiser™.

Inner Demons, Outer Ghosts, Rock Gods

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 20, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Demon Inside

Quite happy to see riveting TV series The Exorcist and Gotham getting renewed second and fourth seasons respectively. Still hoping the SyFy Channel™ continues with Channel Zero. That one was quite couch gluer. This comes amid news that TV stations are canceling shows left and right. Why don’t you just cut off my blood supply, you numbers-crunching douchebags?

While we wait to see who else makes the chopping block, here’s a few just-released and upcoming horror movies to take your mind off the cancellation of Emerald City after one season instead of YET ANOTHER season of the weak Fear of the Walking Dead, which has been a mixed laundry load mess from episode one..

THE DEMON INSIDE (available now/VOD)
“Years after his release from jail, Sam Parsons is trying to build his life with his wife Courtney and their young daughter Harper. He works hard to provide for his family and afford their beautiful home in their quiet suburban neighborhood. When supernatural occurrences start to happen in the house, Sam fears for the safety of his wife and daughter. When the occurrences turn into attacks, Sam hires Corbin Carlysle and his reality TV show ghost hunting team known as ‘The Ghost Killers’ to help him battle the dark entity that’s lurking in the shadows of his home. To win this fight Sam must battle his own inner demons and revert back to his violent past. In order to save the ones he loves, a Demon must face a Demon.”

Inner demon versus outer demon. That’s like trying to suppress a fart in church as opposed to someone sitting next to you in said holy structure just falling shy of crapping his/her pants. (Guess that’s why they call ‘em “pews.”) Probably a her, though. Lady flatulence may be perfume fragrant, but dang are they funny.

The Lost Case

THE LOST CASE (available now/VOD)
The Lost Case is a found footage horror film based on a popular television show, Ghost Doctor TV. With a first-person perspective, the audience gets to see the story first-hand through the eyes of the show production crews, Itt and Por.”

Only a ghost hunting team would be made up of people with names like Itt” and “Por.” Can’t get real jobs with names like that, not even at Kinkos™, who will hire street kids with pink hair. They should’ve stuck with Ghost Doctor TV as the title, though. A proctology exam conducted by a medically-trained poltergeist would be a LOT less invasive.

Killswitch

KILLSWITCH (available now/VOD)
“A military experiment to harness unlimited energy goes horribly awry, leaving a pilot with no choice but to fight through an imploding world to save his family and the planet itself.”

Don’t let the bland press release fool you. This one looks to be a real earth-burner, what with the world exploding/imploding (same thing) and such. Glad I don’t live there,

Griffin's Ghost

GRIFFIN’S GHOST (2017)
Griffin Kidder is a career New Yorker with a strong yearning to be a mother. Ready to start a peaceful life outside the city, Griffin and her construction-savvy husband purchase a dilapidated house to renovate, only to discover the suburban home already has residents: a scarred family of apparitions.”

Hide And Seek

Serviceable if not stock ghost story. However, I do take issue with the key art, which looks a heckuva lot like 2005’s Hide And Seek. I swear, sometimes I have the associative recognizance of a beaver or community college educated lemur.

A Beginner's Guide To Snuff

A BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO SNUFF (June 16, 2017)
“Two brothers kidnap an actress, torture her, and make her think she is going to die.”

The trailer is hilarious, which makes me think this is a family comedy with swear words. It also echoes 2008’s British horror comedy The Cottage, with the stunningly multi attractive Jennifer Ellison turning the tables on her dumbass captors. Say what you will about supermodels — when cornered, they can really kick some arse.

Chris Cornell

Parentless Ghosts

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 21, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

House of Voices

In need of a job, Ana is young, pregnant and hired to clean up after a bunch of runny-nose orphans at a huge orphanage where they manufacture orphans. The “school” for abandoned WWII kids is empty for the summer, but the place is a stink hole, so she takes the gig, knowing it’s better than working for Kinkos™ and hoping it’ll get her mind off the fact her former employers raped and beat her.

House of Voices

Two people remain in the cavernous orphanage: an old lady who serves as the school’s cook/doctor (what can’t be healed goes in the pot) and a “disturbed” young gal whose mind is a silverware drawer where none of the silverware matches. A crazy chick practically alone in a spooky old building? Hell, the only thing missing is me, a bottle of Jager™ and a roll of paper towels.

House of Voices

But something’s not right in the building besides Ana’s roommate’s sense of reality. Noises, voices, spectral farting. (OK, that one was really just part of my wish list). Ana was warned about the scary children. Now we’re getting somewhere. Previously brought to the school by the bus load, about 300 war-wounded kids turned up in various stages of bleeding. With only one doctor and a nurse, let’s just say some of ’em didn’t need a doctor bill at the end of the day.

House of Voices

Determined to find out who or what the scary children are, Ana and demento chick go into the big bathroom where there hangs a big mirror, which conceals a big mystery. Ana chucks a flashlight through the glass and damn if there isn’t another room back there. And hey – there’s a service elevator just big enough for her to crawl in. Yeah, that’s what I’d do in a haunted house – squeeze into an elevator that hasn’t been used for years and throw the switch. Why doesn’t Casper just come right out of the wall and push me down the shaft?

House of Voices

The elevator goes screaming down for what seems like three commercial breaks. When it opens, Ana discovers the hospital wing of the orphanage. It’s all painted an eerie white and lit up like a Christmas barbershop. Uh, oh – somebody’s about to go into labor. Good timing…something is down there with her. But what could it be?

House of Voices

House of Voices (aka Saint Ange, 2004) is a pretty darn creepy and atmospheric flick, but the story takes freakin’ forever to get where its going. A couple of nice distractions: Ana’s boobs. While this movie does not end on a happy note, I think I tracked down that cool crazy chick on Facebook™.

Sea Creature Salad

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , on February 14, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Aquanoids

Seventeen years ago (from 2003 when this “movie” was released), a topless woman having immoral beach relations with a man not her “legal in the eyes of the law” mate, was torn apart by a two-legged creature that came out the ocean to watch.

Aquanoids

Nearly 20 years later and the creature – called an Aquanoid – is back, this time threatening to kill not only surfers and/or boaters, but a pending real estate deal that will make the town’s crooked mayor a boatload ’o cash.

Aquanoids

Vanessa, the supermodel biologist in a microscope bikini, tries to warn the everybody not to go swimming by using the effective method of handing out fliers, no doubt printed by Kinkos™, who over-charged them. (I’m looking in your direction, KinkosTukwila, WA.)

Aquanoids

The Aquanoids (where there’s one, there’s two) look like a scuba diver covered in a spinach salad medley. Vanessa teams up with the town drunk to lure the Aquanoids to the surface so they can be made into poisonous fish ’n chips.

Aquanoids

If you’ve been paying attention (and why wouldn’t you – she’s in a bikini), the drunk dude and Vanessa share, um, a family secret. A few bare boobies, a plethora of swear words, a smelly plot, and a scuba diver covered in salad. What part of that doesn’t work for you?