Bavarian Vampire

In the based-on-a-true-story Bloodlust: The Vampire of Nuremberg (1977), a family-beaten, deaf and dumb guy who witnessed his sister being molested by Father Knows Best (or “Pastor Bedtime”), grows up to discover he has a penchant for watching women have sex with each other and sucking the embalmed gunk out of the throats of dead chicks (not in this order). Fortunately, for him, the local mortuary is overstocked with corpses of attractive young gals.

Calling himself “Mosquito” (cute), he cuts open their boobs, slices off their heads with a pocketknife (!), pops out their eyes, and does near text-book tom-ghoulery in his quest for bloody goodness. He eventually goes after the living and takes out a horny couple trying to bust a move (how rude).

The pacing is slow, the nudity plentiful, the gore explicit. In an homage to Bloodsucking Freaks (1976), try and stomach (if you can) the graphic scenes of a two-pronged straw being used to sip delicious Neck Slurpees™. You’ll never drink blood again.

Evil Meets Rock, Military Mistakes, Stealing From The Dead

The rock band KISS meets Ash from the Evil Dead in a new graphic comic books series, in KISS/Army of Darkness. Talk about a match-up of pay-per-view worthiness. Here’s from the press release…

“KISS is on top of the world and rocking faces until the night disciples of The Destroyer show up and the band disappears. With the tour canceled, a young Ash misses one of the most important events of his life that will change his destiny. Now the Chosen One has to get back on the right path and join the KISS ARMY OF DARKNESS. The raging guitar chords and pyrotechnic spectacle of the KISS stage shows could have come straight from the pages of the Necronomicon, and this epic battle between The Demon and Deadites will appeal to the hellions in all of us!”

They had me at rocking faces. The press release further tells us the series is being written by Chad Bowers and Chris Sims, with Ruairi Coleman providing the illustration. At this time I’d like to order 100 copies of the first issue when it comes out in February of 2018. And would it kill KISS to autograph every single one of them, personally made out to ME?

Until KISS finds a box of laundry markers, here are a few just release/upcoming and possibly graphic horror/sci-fi movies to help me/you/us while away the days…

THE DOLL (available now)
“When Chris and Andy order a model from an escort service, they find that something is unnaturally wrong with Natasha, something deadly wrong.”

The girlfriend-for-rent is played by Valeria Lukyanova, that real life chick who, with the help of chestral implants and contact lenses, looks like a human Barbie doll. She appears to be in mint condition. But once she’s been taken out of the box, the collector’s value drops by half.

THE RIZEN (JANUARY 2, 2018/VOD)
“The year is 1955. NATO and the Allied Forces have been conducting secret, occult experiments in a bid to win the Arms Race. They have finally succeeded, but what they have unleashed could tear our world apart. Now one woman must lead the only other two survivors past faceless horrors that threaten to kill or capture them at every turn. They are the only ones left who can fight to close a door that should never have been opened.”

Army experiments or paranormal zombies? Probably both, since the military has been known to dabble in Ouija boards and Magic 8-balls, which is what we used to win the war. Those things are badass.

THE NEW MUTANTS (April 13, 2018)
“Five young mutants, just discovering their abilities while held in a secret facility against their will, fight to escape their past sins and save themselves.”

Is it me, or is everyone getting tired of X-Men type movies? Or maybe I’m just jealous that everybody’s a mutant except me. Probably both.

THE BONE BOX (2018)
“Depressed and reeling from the recent death of his wife, Tom has built up quite a gambling debt. He goes to stay with his wealthy Aunt Florence in hopes that she will write him into her will. When a nasty creditor makes it clear that Tom is out of time, he devises a plan with Elodie, the undertaker’s daughter, to rob the graves of the rich townspeople buried in the cemetery across the road. After plundering the graves, Tom begins hearing and seeing strange things that seem to coincide with the deaths of the people he robbed. Even more disconcerting, he appears to be the only one sensing the occurrences. One question lingers: Is Tom’s conscience playing a trick on him — or is he really being haunted by those he stole from?”

Yeesh — you DO NOT want to steal from the dead. They can see what you do in the bathroom and then tell the other dead people. You DO NOT want the deceased laughing at you. First, it doesn’t sound like LOL-ing, but more of a “I’ll Kill Yoooouuu” freaky shriek. This is why comedians don’t let dead people into their shows.

Eat Your Neighbors

’Ol Eddy Gein – simple Plainfield, Wisconsin farm boy, eater of pork ’n beans, collector of women’s naughty parts – was the Norman Bates of his day. And like Norm, Ed was ruled by the oppressive memory of his dead, Revelations-spouting mommy, which caused him to go out and cleanse the world of harlots, hookers, and assorted skanks.

Ed Gein (2000) is based on the true adventures of Ed and his grave-robbing/serial killing spree of the ’50s, and gave Leatherface a bankable career. That said, this lurid and grim flick sticks to the roof of your mouth like peanut butter. Or dead skin covered in peanut butter.

When he’s not killing and dissecting women to make his own skin suit (which he dances around in during full moons), he seems likable enough, baby-sitting neighborhood kids, hanging out at the corner bar, buying anti-freeze and rat poison at the town’s hardware store. But let mamma get in his brain, and schiz hits the fan.

Not particularly gory (although there are icky body parts and human faces made into masks), the true eeriness is actual 1950s newsreel footage of the real Ed Gein’s arrest on his farm after the killings. Steve Railsback plays the title character just a little too good; just don’t go over to his farm to congratulate him.

P.S. Try your very bestest not to confuse this Ed Gein with Ed Gein: The Butcher of Plainfield, released in 2007. It’d be easy to, though, given that it’s the exact same movie and titled so close as to be a sequel.

Sherlock Holmes vs. Frankenstein

Sherlock Holmes vs. Frankenstein. I was wondering when those two were gonna lock it up given all the period piece mash-ups leaking into our popped cultured brains: Helen Keller vs. Nightwolves (2015), FDR: American Badass! (2012), Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012), Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (2016).

Filming in Belgium near the German border in a castle of all things (what, Starbucks™ too “contemporary” for you?), Sherlock Holmes vs. Frankenstein (release pending) will make it to your face if they get enough crowdfunding via IndieGoGo [click HERE]. In the meantime, the filmmakers have uploaded a nice trailer to get your wallet warmed up.

So here’s how these two legendary icons get in a tangle: “1898. Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson travel to Germany to investigate a strange case in the village of Darmstadt.”

“Who is the mysterious figure who digs up corpses and steals their limbs? Could these events be related to the nearby presence of Castle Frankenstein, whose name is closely associated to Mary Shelley’s horror novel? Everyone is a suspect.”

I’m not a suspect. I have a iron-clad alibi; I was drinking a cold refreshing adult beverage and watching the telly.

Sherlock Holmes vs. Frankenstein has a killer movie poster created by Gil Jouin, a French illustrator. I wonder if he’d be available to design the poster for my upcoming crowdfunded period flick, Daniel Boone vs. Mecha Old Yeller. I only need $15 dollars to get this thing done.