Catching Salmonella From Fishmen

Island of the Fishmen (1979/Italy – 1981/U.S.), a schlocky Italian creature feature – finally and conclusively solves one of mankind’s greatest mysteries – where the flippin’ flap is the lost city of Atlantis. I don’t have the exact coordinates, but it’s in the middle of the ocean, or rather, under the middle of the ocean, where a volcano made it sink. And it’s inhabited – by fish people.

A bio-scientist, doing his best Dr. Moreau impression, made the fish people. The ego-mad Republican who runs the island (complete with fully functioning live volcano) uses the aquatic acolytes to retrieve Atlantis’ submerged gold and ornate bookends.

The scientist wanted to change everyone into fish to solve the world’s food problem. Ironically, if the ocean was loaded with fish people, we land walkers would never run out of food. Then all we’d need is bait shops and tartar sauce factories.

While this is going on, shipwrecked Lieutenant Claude de Ross washes up on the island and, after checking out the captive “too sexy for civilization” Amanda Marvin (who holds sway over the fish dudes), wants to snorkel in her sea grotto. (Yeah, I used that line before. So what?) But Edmond Rackham, the self-proclaimed ruler of said doomed island, wants to kill everybody and make off with the Atlantean gold while wearing a suit and riding around on a horse in humid tropical temps.

Fed up with this nonsense, the volcano gets its pyroclastic flow in a knot and is about to recreate history. With no more potion to control the fish people and the island about to blow, this thing turns into a last call party.

The fishmen, with claws that look EXACTLY like those sported by the Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954), finally get the upper fin and dish out some sweet revenge. They also do something unexpected as the island is lava lamping. What some fishmen won’t do for a pretty land face.

Of note: for the U.S. release, some American dumbass wanted to retitle the movie and named it Island of Mutations, then Island of Mutations, before settling on Screamers. I like Island of Mutations as it has a nice zing to it.

7 Mummies Makes One Weak

A half-dozen criminal convicts being transported across the Mexican desert manage to escape, taking the supermodel prison guard with them as hostage material.

Roasting under the blistering sun, they have nothing to drink except “land water” (dirt), no food, and no ChapStick™. Finding a gold medallion in the land dirt, the desert Holy Man (or “sand shaman”) tells them of more gold (specifically the ancient treasure of Tumacacori) than 10 men couldn’t spend in 10 lifetimes. I’ll take that challenge.

All they have to do is keep walking until they get to a small old time-y western town. It’s there they’ll find their destinies. And hookers. (Destiny…hookers — same thing.) Besides looking out of time and place, there’s something not right with the dusty town.

The criminals walk into the saloon, which looks straight out of the 1800s, and are offered free beer, food, and destiny hookers. Two things: Where is this town exactly so I can put in a change of address, and secondly, is there a local laundromat?

Once the sun goes down, all of the supermodels and townsfolk turn into flesh-eating ghouls. They still look the same, but attack their guests as if free platters of Arby’s™ 5 for $5 roast beef sandwiches. A few manage to escape, but don’t leave town as they came for the gold.

This business model is further complicated by the seven mummified Jesuit priests that leap to life to protect the gold. That they know how to do martial arts means that was either part of their religious training, or the movie sucks.

So what have we/I learned about 7 Mummies (2005)? That gold is heavy, 400 year-old Jesuit priests can kick your ass, old time-y hookers have implants, a motorcycle can barely outrun a horse, and rap music sucks. But you/me already knew that.

Sand Zombies

Nazi zombies are guarding six million taxable dollars in gold buried in the Sahara Desert. Dune of the Dead – heh.

Robert, an unmotivated college student needing a haircut and a swift kick in the pants, receives word his father just died. The good news is his dad hasn’t turned into a zombie. The bad news is, HE’S DEAD.

While reading dead dad’s diaries, Robert learns about the gold and decides to screw his University degree and get rich quick. For me that’d be a tough call: get degree, buy white collar shirt, work in office building, photocopy butt during company parties, or fight off undead Nazi soldiers? That’s pretty much the only thing standing between me and owning everything plus a swimming pool.

Time to go shovel shopping! And hey, why not bring a bunch of tasty friends along, just for enjoyment? The Nazombies don’t want anyone taking their gold, because they need it for investment and retirement purposes, eating those that would make off with their stash. Most of this is done off-camera. Great – a zombie movie that doesn’t show zombies applying their only marketable skill.

Oasis of the Zombies (1981) displays too many plot deviations, about 14 too many characters, and horror moments that aren’t shown. Sigh. And I could’ve gotten my laundry done instead of watching this thing in my bathing suit.

Deader Snow

Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead. Finally – a sequel to a movie that actually deserves to have a sequel. [se•quel / noun / a literary work, movie, etc., that is complete in itself but continues the narrative of a preceding work.]

The plot, as if one is really needed – “Dead Snow: Red vs. Dead follows the sole survivor of a Nazi zombie attack who battles an even larger army of zombies with the help of The Zombie Squad, a professional gang of zombie killers from the U.S.”

If you saw the utterly awesome Dead Snow (2009/Norway), you know what all of the above means: someone’s torso is gonna get opened like a wet Christmas present and the contents therein strewn across a landscape of pristine white snow. Happy entrails to you.

Dead Snow situated a bunch of med students on a ski vacation in a cabin on a snow-lathered mountain. They find a cache of gold, which belonged to a WWII Nazi Einsatzgruppe, who probably stole it. Nazis can be so mean.

By taking the gold, the party people resurrect the Nazis who are now flesh slurping zombies who need the money to buy services and goods. Or just to have it in their retirement portfolio. Once the undead dig out from the frozen sliding area, full on intestine-flinging action ensues. Put Dead Snow in the “Top 10 Zombie Movies of All Time” category.

As for Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead, put me in the “I’m writing my name in the snow with total excitement to see this one” category.

Ghost Pirate or Pirate Ghost?

Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter’s Cove (2005) sports an evil treasure chest (aren’t they all?), which happens to contain an evil pirate ghost who needs to collect 16 heads in order to get back his 16 pieces of gold. Some curses are impractical as to be totally unbelievable.

Named Jolly Roger (now there’s some originality), the undead mud-faced pirate goes around slicing heads off. The cops think it’s the work of some law-unabiding teens hopped up on goofers. We know they’re innocent, but why waste an opportunity to lock up a teenager?

J-Rog also kills strippers because even though they don’t have sunken chests (sorry, couldn’t resist), he needs to get a little head from them. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

Roger, Jolly or not, is a poor excuse to franchise yet another wise-cracking horror icon (see what you did, Freddy Krueger?), and is about as threatening as a piranha with dentures. As for the strippers, they were exceptionally awesome.