Catching Salmonella From Fishmen

Island of the Fishmen (1979/Italy – 1981/U.S.), a schlocky Italian creature feature – finally and conclusively solves one of mankind’s greatest mysteries – where the flippin’ flap is the lost city of Atlantis. I don’t have the exact coordinates, but it’s in the middle of the ocean, or rather, under the middle of the ocean, where a volcano made it sink. And it’s inhabited – by fish people.

A bio-scientist, doing his best Dr. Moreau impression, made the fish people. The ego-mad Republican who runs the island (complete with fully functioning live volcano) uses the aquatic acolytes to retrieve Atlantis’ submerged gold and ornate bookends.

The scientist wanted to change everyone into fish to solve the world’s food problem. Ironically, if the ocean was loaded with fish people, we land walkers would never run out of food. Then all we’d need is bait shops and tartar sauce factories.

While this is going on, shipwrecked Lieutenant Claude de Ross washes up on the island and, after checking out the captive “too sexy for civilization” Amanda Marvin (who holds sway over the fish dudes), wants to snorkel in her sea grotto. (Yeah, I used that line before. So what?) But Edmond Rackham, the self-proclaimed ruler of said doomed island, wants to kill everybody and make off with the Atlantean gold while wearing a suit and riding around on a horse in humid tropical temps.

Fed up with this nonsense, the volcano gets its pyroclastic flow in a knot and is about to recreate history. With no more potion to control the fish people and the island about to blow, this thing turns into a last call party.

The fishmen, with claws that look EXACTLY like those sported by the Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954), finally get the upper fin and dish out some sweet revenge. They also do something unexpected as the island is lava lamping. What some fishmen won’t do for a pretty land face.

Of note: for the U.S. release, some American dumbass wanted to retitle the movie and named it Island of Mutations, then Island of Mutations, before settling on Screamers. I like Island of Mutations as it has a nice zing to it.

Putting Science In A Mexican Headlock

If you’re gonna go to all that trouble to become a scientist, you may as well hit the gas and turn into a mad one. Be all you can be.

And like all mad scientists, at the top the Doc’s “things to transplant today” list is taking the brains from young women and putting them in different fruit baskets. There’s a joke in there somewhere.

While it would be another two decades before Dr. Moreau would perfect this technique, the mad medical man employs a half-man/half gorilla upgrade named Gomar (cool name) to help him procure the brains of women pro wrestlers, the reasoning being that pro wrestler brains are smarter. (The regular chick brains were deemed too dumb, which is why the experiments always ended in death by dying.)

As intellectually superior as the Doc is, he probably shouldn’t have used the brains of one of the women wrestler’s sister. I feel a pay-per-view coming on. While we’re not privy to exposed particulate matter and head gunk, we do get to see the lady wrestlers in pajamas and nighties fend off kidnapping attempts. I felt this was necessary to the plot.

Doctor of Doom/1962 (aka, The Wrestling Women vs. the Murderous Doctor), is another whiz bang chapter in the exciting sci-fi/horror/pro wrestling genre pioneered by Santo (aka, El Santo, aka The Saint), Mexico’s lucha libre savior/superhero from the day he was born in 1917 until he assumed his place on Mt. Olympus in 1984.

I’d totally go out with a female pro wrestler, because I’m attracted to chicks with brains that are enriched with smart ingredients.