UFO Spotting, Sowing Death, Evil Wood

Back in 2015 BC, The Trvl Channel™ listed the Top 5 States where one was most likely to see a UFO. These flying saucer hot spots included Florida, Washington State (where I currently watch the skies), Texas, New York, and California, leading the pack with 11,202 on-record UFO sightings claims. Pretty impressive given that Californians drink sun tan lotion cocktails and lay on the beach as a profession.

Recently, The Trvl Channel™ updated their Top 5 “most UFO sightings” map to include Idaho, Montana, New Hampshire, Maine and, of course, Roswell, New Mexico, birthplace of the UFO since 1945. However, there were UFO sightings before that: The Aurora, TX UFO Incident on April 17, 1897 and the Maury Island Incident over Puget Sound (I live within rowing distance from there) on June 21, 1947, which was three days before pilot Kenneth Arnold, flying his single-engine CallAir A-2 light airplane, spotted a fleet of UFOs air showing it around Mount Rainier. (This was where the term “flying saucers” originated.) And 15 days later, a UFO and aliens, were turned into recyclable debris when it crashed on a farm in Corona, NM, which is 959 miles away from Roswell as the tractor flies.

So while we all re-route our vacation plans to visit these chart-topper UFO sighting locations, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have weather balloons in ’em… 

BLACKOUT / Out now (VOD)

“A solar flare is about to cause a blackout across the entire planet. Summer and Dylan don’t miss an opportunity to celebrate and agree to spend the night at their friend’s house. When the electricity does not return after the indicated time, the group of friends decides to go to the street to try to understand what the problem may be. They soon realize a beast is sowing death — and no place is safe.”

Not to be confused with 2023’s Blackout horror movie. That one was about a werewolf sowing death. Maybe the werewolf from that Blackout shows up in this one to indulge in a little more sowing. 

THE OLD ONES / March 19, 2023 (VOD)

“In 1930, sea captain Russel Marsh saw the light, and for 93 years his body was not his own. Inhabited by a Great Old One, he committed unspeakable acts in the name of the Esoteric Order of Dagon. Now free, he is in search of a way to go back in time to reverse the horrors wrought upon the world. But the cult has other plans — and will stop at nothing to destroy him.”

Great Old One = beer. Unspeakable acts = helplessly under the influence of a Great Old One. Esoteric Order of Dagon = Happy Hour. This isn’t a horror movie at all — it’s a Tuesday night at the Tug Tavern.

THE MADNESS OF HUMPTY DUMPTY / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Humpty Dumpty continues his crazed murderous activities.”

The movie is a sequel to The Curse of Humpty Dumpty (2021) and The Curse of Humpty Dumpty 2 (2022). It’s also previously known as The Curse of Humpty Dumpty 3. The madness is these “movies” keep getting made.

PINOCCHIO: STRINGS OF DEATH / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“In 1448, Count Maurice the Impaler of Tuscany was finally killed, ending his rein. The stake used to kill him was infused with his blood. Centuries later Gepetto finds the stake in ‘The Cursed Woods’. Unknown to him, he uses the wood to create and unleash an evil force: Pinocchio is born.”

A lot more clever than most of its ilk. Still, at the end of the day, what we’re talking about is your plain ’ol Over-the-counter, evil Presto Log™.

Breathtaking Godzilla, Magic Cellphone, Unpleasant Lake

Of the avalanche of Godzilla action figures/merch preparing to engulf us leading up to the March 29, 2024 release of Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (it was moved up two weeks), it’s the remote-controlled Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire Godzilla Heat-Ray Breath RC toy that has my money’s attention. Why? Because this thing shoots radioactive mist out if its mouth! Okay, I may be misinformed about the mist being radioactive. Still, who wouldn’t want a walking, stomping, roaring, non-radioactive mist-belching action toy? I rest my case. 

If that didn’t sell you, maybe the product description will: “Experience the ultimate adventure with the remote-control Godzilla with heat-ray breath from the movie Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire. This larger-than-life toy lets you control Godzilla as it walks, stomps, and whips its tail around. Witness the awe-inspiring light-up heat ray breath as it illuminates the battlefield with its iconic roar. Stretching almost 2-feet long, Godzilla is ready to win the next fight. The user-friendly remote control allows you to maneuver Godzilla effortlessly, bringing legendary battles to life. Crafted with meticulous attention to detail, this Godzilla RC is great for play and display. Tail to spine lights up to power up heat ray breath! Refill with water as needed and hear the Godzilla roar sound! Remote control allows for walking movement forward, left, and right. Tail acts as a rudder, whipping around to steer.”

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire Godzilla Heat-Ray Breath RC sells for $69.99 and ships April 2024. This is bad news for impulse-buyers like me. So while I try to explain to my doctor my sleeplessness, anxiety and nervous ticks attributed to being allergic to work and not this Godzilla toy, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you shoot mist out of your mouth — or any other of your grand openings…

CRYPTO SHADOWS / Out now (VOD)

“After a mental breakdown from her toxic city job, a young female game developer finds solace as a rural cryptominer in California. While coding, she stumbles upon a mysterious message from an unknown origin. In her investigation, she faces cyberattacks and ominous encounters, which turn into a fight for her life, forcing her to her secret bunker where she takes drastic action.”

I wish I had a secret bunker. Then I’d tell everyone about.

CELLPHONE / February 13, 2024 (VOD)

“Grieving the death of her fiancé, Wynne starts seeing disturbing images on her cell phone about her future. If she doesn’t figure them out in time, she will die.”

Exact same thing happens to me when I use a Magic 8 Ball™.

DARKGAME / February 20, 2024 (VOD)

“A police detective races to save the captives of a dark web game show, where the losers are executed via live broadcast. For the sadistic masked host, this is all part of his master plan to gain ratings.”

Not sure how ratings would benefit a dark web broadcast. Ratings are used to bring in advertisers, but who would advertise? Maybe a company that sells sadistic masks.

CAMP PLEASANT LAKE / February 27, 2024 (VOD)

“Rick and Darlene Rutherford attempt to breathe life into the eerie remnants of an old campsite, unaware of its dark past. Strange occurrences haunt the area, mirroring the tragedies of the old camp where two decades earlier a young girl was kidnapped and her parents brutally murdered. Amidst chilling atmospheres and long-forgotten secrets, the couple grapples with a horrifying revelation — they are entwined in the camp’s history. And as the shadows of the past collide with the present, the Rutherfords must confront the haunting histories of a sinister crime.”

Given the tragedies, maybe they should call this Camp Unpleasant Lake. Okay, not my best work. Today’s hangover is pegging at Defcon 2 and I’m really needing a glass full of aspirin and a handful of water.

Hand-y Horror, Hollow Earth Horror, Faceless Horror

Thing is the Christian name given to the ambulatory disembodied hand that’s been a household member of the Addams Family since 1954, showing up in a book (Homebodies) before making his debut in 1964’s The Addams Family TV show. But you already knew most of that. But here’s some…things (heh)…you need to know about Thing: Ted Cassidy, who played Lurch, the Addams’ groaning, eye-rolling butler, portrayed the digits for the handy hand. However, when Thing and Lurch appeared in scenes together, the digits were provided by a crew member and/or assistant director, Jack Voglin. Never heard of him. 

Thing has appeared in almost all iterations of The Addams Family movies/specials, etc, but became a HUGE breakout star in Netflix’s™ global phenomenon hit series, Wednesday (2022). And now, thanks to Freddy J. Lambert, you can get a handcrafted stuffed Thing plushie. For $375.00. That’s a lot of finger coupons. Lambert’s Thing measures 11x5x4 inches and is made of felt, fabric, wire, quilt batting, and embroidery thread. I thought all thread was embroidery.

More space-filling bits of throwaway info on how Thing is referred to around the world: “Mãozinha” (Little Hand) in Brazil, “Cosa” (Thing) in Spain, “Dedos” (Fingers) in Hispanic America, “Mano” (Hand) in Italy, “La Chose” (the Thing) in French speaking countries, and “eiskaltes Händchen” (icecold hand) in German and “Rączka” (Small hand) in Polish. In my household, it’s known as “Hand Me Another Beer.”

So while we all click this if we have $375.00 to…hand…over (heh), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not deserve a thumbs up — or middle finger…

ARCTIC HOLLOW / Out now (VOD)

“An Alaskan bush pilot attempts a daring rescue of a stranded researcher deep inside an arctic cave system thought to be an entrance to the inner Earth, only to find himself battling creatures not of this world.”

Inner Earth? Isn’t it Hollow Earth? To wit, Godzilla said it, I believe it, and that settles it.

STOPMOTION / February 23, 2024 (Shudder™)

“Ella Blake is a stop-motion animator who is struggling to control her demons after the loss of her overbearing mother. Suddenly alone in the world, she creates a macabre new puppet film, while struggling to maintain her sanity. As Ella’s mind starts to fracture, the characters in her animated film take on a terrifying life of their own, and the unleashed power of her imagination threatens to destroy her.”

When I play with my puppet, it usually comes to life. Unless I’ve been binge drinking.

BLOOD IN THE SNOW / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Wilhelm and Pluto embark on a fame-seeking journey to capture footage of The Faceless Lurch, a suspected shape-shifter. Wilhelm’s long-time nemesis, Josh, insists on tagging along for the adventure. The boys begin to doubt Wilhelm’s leadership skills and furthermore doubt one another as paranoia sets in that one of them is The Faceless Lurch in disguise.”

Wonder how Lurch became faceless? Probably after posting too many selfies. Just like everyone else.

THE DEEP DARK / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Set in 1956, Amir leaves his home country of Morocco to work in the Devil’s Island, the worst mine in France. He’s assigned to a group that has been ordered to accompany a professor under the pretense of collecting samples. But once they’re down in the deep dark, it quickly becomes clear that the professor has another agenda and that he’s looking for something quite different. When the miners blow up a gallery to access an older mine that had been condemned a century earlier, they uncover a secret chamber filled with traces of an ancient civilization. As the miners realize that the discovery will result in the mine’s closure, greed leads them to do the unthinkable, thus dooming the entire expedition.”

The samples they were looking to collect in the French mine/sewer are fossilized croissants, which look suspiciously like the pinched leavings of ancient civilizations.

A Box of Saws, Earth vs. Quakes, Bible Horror

Saw is one of the most successful horror movie franchises in history, passing a kidney milestone this year with its 20th anniversary. Released January 19, 2004, Saw and its cut-up sequels, have grossed over one billion sawbucks. To commemorate two decades of Jigsaw’s “this won’t end well for you” body-Cuisinart™-ing traps, Lionsgate Home Entertainment™ is releasing all 10 of the franchise’s installments — including Jigsaw (2017) and last year’s shockingly nasty-ass cool Saw X — on Blu-ray™ + DVD + Digital — on March 5, 2024. The box set sells for $79.99, which means you’re paying only $8 for each title. This puts the scream in screaming deal.

From Lionsgate™: “All 10 films from the franchise that created a new horror sub-genre — including the latest chapter, Saw X — are collected here in one terrifying set. Rewind to the beginning when Jigsaw first springs his diabolically ingenious traps on the morally wayward, then travel his long road of pain all the way to Mexico in the newest entry’s untold story of John Kramer’s quest for a cancer cure, inspiring his most personal game yet.”

Sure, you can see most of the Saw movies for free (with commercials) on Tubi™ and Pluto™. But the box set comes with a plethora of juicy extras I’m just too lazy to include. On that note, Lionsgate™ has already announced that Saw XI is on the way, set to release on September 27, 2024.

So while we all preorder (click this) to legally acquire 20th Anniversary Saw 10-Film Blu-ray Collection, which releases on March 5, 2024, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not end well for you…

GODS OF THE DEEP / February 6, 2024 (VOD)

“When a daring mission leads a deep sea submarine team into a mysterious opening on the ocean floor, they uncover a lost underwater world and awaken its ancient race of otherworldly beings.”

This sounds exactly like my last proctology exam.

PLANETQUAKE / January 26, 2024 (VOD)

“A major tectonic shift causes a series of ever escalating earthquakes worldwide. If a team of leading seismologists fails to stop the disaster, the events will break apart the Earth, resulting in billions of casualties.”

Trying to stop an earthquake is like trying to hold in a fart during church.

THE ABYSS / February 16, 2024 (Netflix™)

“Frigga, who tries to balance her risky job as a security manager in the Kiirunavaara mine with her family life, has to fight for her life and the lives of her loved ones when her city starts collapsing into the mine.”

Sweden’s The Abyss (not to be confused with The Abyss/1989) follows in the traditional wake (sorry) of Norway’s tsunami disaster movie The Wave (2015) and The Quake (2018). This isn’t doing much to boost tourism. Maybe throw in a sharknado or two.

IMMACULATE / March 26, 2024 (Theaters)

“Cecilia, a woman of devout faith who is offered a fulfilling new role at an illustrious Italian convent. Her warm welcome to the picture-perfect countryside is soon interrupted as it becomes clearer to Cecilia that her new home harbors some dark and horrifying secrets.”

Spoiler: The dark and horrifying secrets are bible stuff.

Phantastic Phiction, Beer-less Dystopia, Suntanned Shark

Phantasm came out in 1979 and remains a sci-fi horror lynch-pin to this day. In a few words or less, Phantasm was a mind-bending tale of the horror icon Tall Man, a supernatural and super evil undertaker who turns the dead of Earth into dwarf zombies to be sent to his planet and used as slaves. It also spawned four sequels: Phantasm II (1988), Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead (1994), Phantasm IV: Oblivion (1998) and Phantasm: Ravager (2016). This year marks the 45th anniversary of Phantasm, and Don Coscarelli — the movie’s creator — has joined forces with Dark Delicacies™ for Phiction: Tales from the World of Phantasm. So cool, but I’m kicking myself for never learning how to read.

Here’s what you desperately need to know about this 250 limited collector print edition of original stories: “For the first time in the history of horror cinema, a celebrated filmmaker of a cult-classic horror film series has continued the adventure by swapping mediums and personally authoring a series of fictional works exploring in detail the characters he originally created. Coscarelli has now returned to the world of Phantasm to tell more tales of these inspiring phantasmic heroes.”

“Phiction features a die-cut slipcase wrapped in ‘Morningside Marble’ premium anti-scratch matte finish. Case hardcover binding of the book inside is covered in premium black fabric with foil stamped text and red painted edges. Each book is offered with matte UV full color dust jacket and features a ribbon marker. This is a limited edition of 250 copies and each will be autographed by author Don Coscarelli and illustrator Aaron Lea. This edition also includes a rare, unique and priceless premium — a 3-frame outtake clip of original 35mm camera negative, as filmed on the set of the 1979 film Phantasm and featuring the legendary Angus Scrimm, with each book.” Click here for more deets.

So while we all put in some overtime making deliveries for UberEats™ to stockpile the $75.00 for this must-have book, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not make you want to learn to read…

BADLAND HUNTERS / January 26, 2024 (Netflix™)

“Seoul is transformed into an apocalyptic wasteland after a major earthquake. The survivors in this new dystopian world are led by a tough hunter who fights for survival and salvation.”

My definition of an apocalyptic wasteland is everything from no beer left on Earth to no bars on Earth selling beer. I can handle dystopian-making earthquakes, but not that.

CONSTELLATION / February 21, 2024 (Apple TV+™)

“Jo returns to Earth after a disaster in space and discovers that there are missing pieces in her life. So she sets out to expose the truth about the hidden secrets of space travel and recover what she has lost.”

Pffft! One does not need to return from space to find out you’re missing pieces of your life. Just go to a Tug Tavern Happy Hour and try to piece together what happened if/when you get up the next morning. Can’t be done. Without CCTV footage/eyewitness accounts, that is.

MOM / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Meredith, abandoned by her family after a horrific incident at home, is left alone to relive — and relive — the darkest moments of her past. But a sinister entity, born from the tragedy, is determined to keep them apart.”

I relive the darkest moment of my life every time I go to a Tug Tavern Happy Hour. Do you sense a theme here?

SHARK GIRL / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A young influencer survives a shark attack and becomes a monstrous apex predator, hunting and feeding in sunny Venice Beach, California.”

Good thing for all of us she wasn’t bitten by an apex clam.

Devastating Music, Neighborly Vampire, Dancing With Ghosts

As Godzilla Minus One continues its box office rampage, Waxwork Records™ is giving us the movie’s stunning soundtrack (or “original motion picture score”), pressed on 150 gram “Godzilla Heat Ray” colored vinyl. And its done in deluxe heavyweight gatefold packaging with matte satin coating. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds really cool.

From the Waxwork Records™ website: “The score, composed by Naoki Sato, is filled with mournful, elegant music that brings the listener into the despair, and the fiery hopefulness of the characters as they must fight against the raw power of Godzilla. Sato was inspired by the works of Japanese animated films from Studio Ghibli for the emotional moments, and the powerful work of original Godzilla composer Akira Ifukube’s score to punctuate the moments of kaiju terror. This mixing of the serene and grandiose creates one of the most unique and gorgeous scores of the year.”

The soundtrack is expected to ship April 2024 and will set you back $50. However, if you’re a first-time Waxwork Records™ customer, they’ll give you a 10% discount. According to my third grade applied mathematics calculations, that’s $5 off. Sweet!

So while we all click this to preorder Godzilla Minus One original motion picture score which should be titled Godzilla’s Smash Hits, here are a few out now/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not have a soundtrack…

THE VAMPIRE NEXT DOOR / Out now (VOD)

“Introverted Cameron is desperately in love with his high school crush Diane. But his romantic pursuit is halted when Victoria, a female vampire moves in next door. Cameron soon discovers he’s in the middle of a life-and-death adventure.”

I liked this better when it was called Fright Night (1985).

OFFWORLD: ALIEN PLANET / Out now (VOD)

“A colony mission to a new world is hit by disaster when their ship crashes. Finding themselves far from their outpost, a few survivors fight to fend for themselves against dangers not just from the unknown habitat but also from each other.”

I bet the remaining survivors are fighting over the last roll of toilet paper. I would.

SINDEN GAIB / February 22, 2024 (VOD)

“A young man took a sacred stone while filming Ayu and Rara’s dance in Watu Kandang, Trenggalek. After that, Ayu continues to be visited by a sinden figure from the supernatural world, Sarinten. Many psychics are requested to help her overcome this manifestation, however, the disturbances get even worse. Until now, Sarinten resides in Ayu’s body.”

Sinden Gaib translates to Magical Synden. I don’t know about you, but I prefer all my Sindens/ Syndens to be magical.

THE WELL / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A budding art restorer travels to a small Italian village to bring a medieval painting back to its former glory. Little does she know she is placing her life in danger from an evil curse and a monster born of myth and brutal pain.”

Evil curse = bartender. Monster born of myth and brutal pain = beer.

Billion Dollar Horror, Death Sleep, The Grunting Dead

According to Bloody-Disgusting.com, there are only five horror movie franchises to cross the billion dollar mark. The article, typewritten by John Squires, lists box office totals and not profits OR accumulative popcorn/junior mint sales. That said, crossing the billion dollar milestone is quite an achievement, made even more so that it’s the horror genre and not some Hallmark™ rom-com or Marvel™ superhero regurgitation. Moving forward, here are horror’s billion dollar babies and their bank accounts.

Cut and pasted from John’s well-researched article: “The highest grossing horror franchise of all time is The Conjuring Universe, which currently includes a total of eight movies. The universe has raked in $2,402,537,783 to date, making it the only horror franchise in history to cross two billion dollars in theaters.”

“In the #2 spot on the list of highest grossing horror franchises of all time is Alien, which has given birth to eight movies that have thus far made $1,653,812,293 at the box office. The two Alien vs. Predator movies are part of that list, but the highest grossing movie in the franchise to date is Ridley Scott’s prequel Prometheus, which crossed $400 million back in 2012.”

“The Resident Evil franchise has scared up $1,237,686,980 to date. That includes animated movies as well as the live action movies. This is followed by the two-parter adaptation of Stephen King novel IT, which collectively pulled in $1,173,474,976 at the worldwide box office. And with 10 films under its belt (and an eleventh on the way) the Saw franchise officially shattered the $1 billion milestone with the release of Saw X in 2023 and drove the worldwide box office total of Saw X to $111 million, bringing the franchise’s total worldwide box office to $1,128,720,386. ”

So while we all keep giving movie studios as many fun coupons as we can spare to entertain the billions of crap molecules out of us, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make a billion dollars — or anything that rhymes with billions…

THE COLOR YELLOW / Out now (VOD)

“After witnessing the unexplainable and traumatic death of her parents, Ash has become reclusive and nocturnal. Convinced that a horrific creature hunts her hiding in the color yellow, she embarks on a journey that twists her understanding of reality.”

The irony here is that the horrific creature scares the pee outta her — and pee is yellow. Can’t win for losing. P.S. Green Lantern’s weakness is the color yellow. To beat him, just throw rubber chickens at his face.

DOUBLE BLIND / February 9, 2024 (Limited) February 13, 2024 (VOD) March 26, 2024 (Blu-Ray)

“After an experimental drug trial goes awry, the test subjects face a terrifying side effect: if you fall asleep you die. Trapped in an isolated facility, panic ensues as they try to escape and somehow stay awake.”

I liked this better when it was called A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987).

SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET / February 2024 (Shudder™)

“A desperate mother becomes possessed to save the life of her terminally ill daughter.”

I wish I was possessed by a winning Lotto™ ticket. That’d save my life.

THE FUNERAL / Pending release 2024 (VOD)

“40-year old Cemal is a lonely hearse driver. He is given a secret task: a young girl named Zeynep has been brutally murdered and the body should be delivered to her family in the east. He hits the road. During the night, he opens the back doors of the van to find the dead girl making strange grunting noises. When he checks her pulse, she doesn’t have any. The beauty of the living dead girl mesmerizes Cemal, who ends up falling in love with her. The problem is, as Zeynep awakens from the eternal sleep, so does her appetite…for humans.”

A dead girl making grunting noises. There’s a relationship joke in there somewhere.

Comical Godzilla, Malevolent Jewelry, Zombies Dead On Arrival

Another event leading up to the Godzilla’s 70th anniversary (November 2024) to put on the calendar. On May 8, 2024 (which I’m inclined to believe is this year), IDW Publishing™ is releasing 100-page one-shot anthology comic celebrating 70 years of the King of the Monsters. This is joyous news as IDW Publishing™ knows how to do Godzilla right, previously publishing a ton of G comics like Godzilla Rivals, Godzilla: Here There Be Dragons, Godzilla: Monsters & Protectors — All Hail the King!, and my fav, Godzilla: Complete Rulers of Earth. Why read books when you can read comics? 

There are nine original stories by names big in the comic universe (Joëlle Jones, Michael W. Conrad, Matt Frank, James Stokoe, Adam Gorham, Dan DiDio, and more), nestled within five covers illustrated by E.J. Su, Sophie Campbell, Jeff Zornow, Tom Whalen, and Arthur Adams. You may not know those names, but their moms do.

So while we all stand in line at our favorite comic book store on May 8 (or order the Godzilla comics online), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be around 70 years from now… 

WHAT HAPPENED AT 625 RIVER RD? / Out now (VOD)

“A psychological horror thriller, based on true events that occurred, following two female students to New York. As they arrive at their rental home, 625 River Rd, a chain of mysterious events take place that are still unsolved to this day.”

I saw something about this on the news back in the day. I switched the channel to cartoons…IMPORTANT cartoons. This takes place in Schenectady, NY. Schenectady is such a weird word.

IN A VIOLENT NATURE / Release pending 2024 (Shudder™)

“A group of unsuspecting campers stumble upon the shiny piece of jewelry buried within the rubble of a crumbled fire tower, but don’t realize that upon releasing it they’ve also stirred up a malevolent spirit who perished alongside the locket 60 years ago. Desperate to find his prized possession by any means necessary, Johnny rises from his grave and hunts down those who disturbed his peace.”

If he was buried 60 years ago, how do they know his name? (Also, Johnny is a really dumb name for a malevolent spirit.) If I was buried for six decades, the first thing I’d do after being stirred from my death slumber is go get a beer. And I’d pay for it with a shiny piece of jewelry.

GONE WITH THE DEAD / Release pending crowdfunding (2024)

“A mysterious virus sweeps across the entire west coast infecting millions of people and turning them into flesh-eating zombies. In the midst of the chaos, two different groups of survivors manage to find shelter in a remote farmhouse. As the zombies close in on them, the survivors must overcome their differences and work together to find a way out. But they soon discover the virus is not the only threat they face. There are others who are willing to do anything to survive the madness, even if it means betraying their own kind. Will the survivors escape the horror, or will they be gone…with the dead?”

I liked this better when it was called Night of the Living Dead (1968).

EARWORM / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Henry Adams, a socially awkward man seeking help for his condition, accepts an invitation to a self-help group that is more than it seems. Danger is around every corner as Henry goes deeper into the treatment. Meanwhile, Detective Williams investigates a series of strange murders that has too many similarities to not be connected. Following the clues, he stumbles across more than he bargained for.”

Being socially awkward is a condition? I thought it was a way of life. 

Plastic Demon, Extraterrestrial Drugs, Poison Spider

Pumpkinhead came out in 1988 and featured one of the all-time coolest horror movie monsters ever created. That, you already knew. But did you know the movie was originally titled Vengeance: The Demon? And did you know Pumpkinhead was inspired by a poem (composed by Ed Justin)? The first verse goes something like this: “Keep away from Pumpkinhead, unless you’re tired of living; His enemies are mostly dead, he’s mean and unforgiving.” Good job, Ed — you totally nailed it.

Since 1988, Pumpkinhead has generated three sequels (one being direct-to-video), video game and a comic book series. And now, thanks to TrickorTreatStudios.com, you can score a nifty Pumpkin 8-inch action figure for $59.99. Preorders can be made here for a February 29, 2024 shipping date. Sure, you can get better Pumpkinhead figures in stunning detail and an even more stunning price tag (I’m looking in your direction Sideshow™ and your fancy pants $1,260.00 Pumpkinhead statue). But the affordable TrickorTreatStudios’ Pumpkinhead belongs on your desk/Uber™ dashboard, family dining room table.

So if you’ve never seen Pumpkinhead (you can pretty much side-step the sequels unless you like wasting your life), it goes something like this: “After his son dies in a hit-and-run accident, Ed Harley seeks revenge against the teenagers responsible. With the help of a local witch, Ed summons the vengeful demon Pumpkinhead to hunt and kill the group of friends. But when Ed discovers a bond between himself and the creature, he begins to have second thoughts about employing the vicious monster, and he fights to end Pumpkinhead’s murderous rampage before it is too late.” P.S. It is too late.

So while we all summon a plastic demon to bathe our enemies in vengeance, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have been inspired by poetry… 

ALIENOID: RETURN TO THE FUTURE / January 26, 2024 (Theaters, VOD)

“A group of escaped aliens on her tail, Lee Ahn searches for the Divine Sword that opens a time-traveling portal which would bring the in the past trapped Guard and the cyborg Thunder back to the year 2022. There is also the bounty hunter Mureuk – who has rescued Lee Ahn from many difficult situations — who begins to suspect that an alien presence has entered his body. When they finally manage to cross over to the present, they find brutal devastation — the powerful alien Controller has released the extraterrestrial substance Haava and thousands have died. Lee Ahn, Thunder and Mureuk don’t have much time to hunt down the enormous number of hostile aliens and save humanity.”

Sounds like a party I’ll never be invited to. This, of course, is a sequel to 2022’s Alienoid. That thing was bat guano crazy. And since you didn’t ask, this one also goes by Oegye+in 2bu and Alien + Human: Part 2. I think they should’ve called it Alienoid: Back To The Future. Don’t look at me like that; Asylum Studios™ does that crap all the time.

INFESTED (aka Vermin La Plaga) / April 26, 2024 (Shudder™)

“Kaleb is about to turn 30 and has never been lonelier. He’s fighting with his sister over a matter of inheritance and has cut ties with his best friend. Fascinated by exotic animals, he finds a venomous spider in a bazaar and brings it back to his flat. It only takes a moment for it to escape and reproduce, turning the whole place into a dreadful web trap. At the same time, the police lock down the building where the residents are ambushed. Only option for Kaleb and his mates – find the way out to survive.”

You can buy venomous spiders in a bazaar? Why am I just now hearing about this? My highly-irritating neighbors better hope I don’t find a bazaar anywhere near my zip code. 

ABBERANCE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)
“When a couple arrives at a cabin, they become uneasy. Erkhmee’s desire to provide a nurturing space for his wife is at odds with the violent actions and mannerisms their neighbor observes. As the neighbor digs deeper more questions and trouble arise.”

Violent actions and mannerisms. Either Erkhmee is a dick or he can’t handle his liquor. Probably both as one hand washes the other.

THE GIFTED / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A woman named Barbara possesses a unique power to control the will of others. After years of causing pain to others, her only hope to save herself is by confessing her sins to a mysterious priest and his undead assembly.”

This one stars (and is executive produced by) ’80s porn legend Ginger Lynn. I have no idea what porn is. Maybe she was a self-help guru back in the day.

Hamburger Hands, Voodoo Spaghetti, French Shark

One of the best horror movies of 2023 was Talk To Me, wherein “a group of friends discover how to conjure spirits using an embalmed hand, they become hooked on the new thrill, until one of them goes too far and unleashes terrifying supernatural forces.” That doesn’t even come close to describing Talk To Me’s unique brilliance. Fun fact: The movie has grossed nearly $100 million worldwide as of this lightly-researched blog post against a budget of $4.5 million, becoming American distributor A24’s highest-grossing horror film and second highest-grossing film overall. And they managed to do it without me doing a cameo walk-through. Impressive.

And because anything success is given the pop culture proctology exam, we now have a Hamburger Help Me resin figure parodying Talk To Me’s iconic embalmed hand. That’s g-dang funny. Here’s the sales pitch from BottleneckGallery.com: “We worked alongside artist John Godfrey to create the resin figure of our dreams (or nightmares, possibly) — Hamburger Help Me. Inspired by our favorite horror movie from 2023, Talk To Me, and ‘90s Americana meal mascots, the Hamburger Help Me figure mashes up more than just beefaroni. Using a pinch of demonic possession, John has cooked up something really special with this figure, and we’re offering it in two flavors, Movie Accurate and Original Recipe!” On that note, the 8.5 inches tall Movie Accurate version is limited to 150 figures and the Original Recipe version is limited to 75, with both selling for $90.

So while we grease up our fingers to click and buy Hamburger Help Me (it goes on sale Wednesday, January 10, 2024 @ 12PM ET at Bottleneckgallery.com), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may be made more palatable by adding Hamburger Helper™…

SPAGHETTI / Out now (VOD) 

“Nurse Lena Simon seems to have found the perfect man in savvy businessman Scotty Sharpe. But when she suspects him of seeing someone else, she takes the unusual advice of her best friend Toni and does a voodoo spell on him.”

Is the spaghetti evil or merely cursed? Does it come with a side salad and/or endless bread sticks? They seem to be leaving out a LOT of stuff about this movie. 

STRANGER IN THE WOODS / February 14, 2024 (VOD)

“A woman goes on a weekend getaway trip to the woods with her friends in hopes to recover from a traumatic event. But when her dog vanishes, their sanity unravels, leading to a chilling fight for survival.”

People always head to the woods when experiencing a traumatic event, probably because Bigfoot is a really good life coach.

UNDER PARIS / June 5, 2024 (Netflix™)

“Paris is hosting the World Triathlon Championships on the Seine for the first time. Sophia, a brilliant scientist, learns from Mika, a young environmental activist, that a large shark is swimming deep in the river. To avoid a bloodbath at the heart of the city, they have no choice but to join forces with Adil, the Seine river police commander.”

The Seine is 483 miles long is and nearly its whole length is available for recreational and excursion boating. Not sure how one grand requin blanc, however extra-large, is any kind of threat. Then again, the French drink wine because they’re afraid of beer.

RAVELAND / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A group of teenagers on a supernatural island embark on a deathly quest to find the last heir, against ominous forces haunting to destroy them and everyone they’ve ever known or loved.”

I cite the title of Metallica’s first album as my thoughts on this “movie.”