Ghost Hotels, Unnatural Disasters and Cigar Zombies

Prepping for my annual solo holiday trek to downtown Portland, OR, my favorite city within 175 miles from where I’m littering. This year will be a bit different as I plan on visiting several Chamber of Commerce endorsed haunted buildings, one of which happens to be the very hotel I’m staying at. (Love the new bathroom upgrades at The Benson, but the ghosts could be a bit more spookier.)

The hotel that’s on my bucket list is, of course, The Stanley Hotel (aka, The Overlook Hotel in The Shining), located at 333 E Wonderview Ave, Estes Park, CO. (And in case you need the zip code: 80517.) Their website has this to say about that: “The Stanley Hotel features a variety of rooms with high paranormal activity including the famous Stephen King Suite 217, the Ghost Hunters’ favorite room 401; as well as 407, 428 and 1302. These are among our most-requested rooms, availability is limited.”

While I polter-hunt/drink in Old Town Pizza, Crystal Ballroom and the White Eagle Saloon, all of which have documented ghost sightings (and tasty snacks), here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not scare the Christmas wrap outta you…

DANGEROUS PEOPLE (available now)
“In the early 1970s two murderers pick up a girl in a bar and take her back to their apartment. A moment of brutal violence occurs, which leads to a series of mind games to see who lives and who dies. Dangerous People is a psychedelic trip that is equal parts crazy, scary, sexy, funny, sick and tragic.”

Crazy, scary, sexy, funny, sick and tragic. Aren’t those the ingredients on Fruity Pebbles™ cereal boxes? (That stuff has more artificial coloring than a beauty parlor.)

CHANNEL ZERO: BUTCHER’S BLOCK (2018)
“Inspired by Kerry Hammond’s ‘Search and Rescue Woods’ Creepypasta tale, Butcher’s Block tells the story of a young woman named Alice who moves to a new city and learns about a series of disappearances that may be connected to a baffling rumor about mysterious staircases in the city’s worst neighborhoods. With help from her sister, they discover that something is preying on the city’s residents.”

This sounds a lot better than the fizzled dud, Channel Zero: No-End House (2017). Sure, it got off to a great start, what with some teens going into a reputed spook house that preys on your innermost fears and doesn’t have an exit. But every slow-moving episode that followed felt like a no-end mini-series.

THE QUAKE (2018)
“In 1904 an earthquake of magnitude 5.4 on the Richter Scale shook Oslo, with an epicenter in the ‘Oslo Graben’, which runs under the Norwegian capital. There are now signs that indicate that we can expect a major future earthquake in Oslo.”

You could almost predict this one — it’s being done by the same folks who made the Norwegian hit disaster movie, The Wave (2015). Another prediction: Once The Quake comes out, they’ll start working on The Really Windy Day, A Tree In the Road and The Pothole.

RISE OF THE LIVING DEAD (2018)
“In 1962, Dr. Ryan Cartwright was on the scientific and altruistic path to find a way for humans to sustain life in the event of M.A.D. (Mutual Assured Destruction), a huge topic brought on by the Cuban Missile Crisis. Little did he know that over the course of the next several years of his life, he would take a well-funded and military focused journey to the darkest corners of the world as he creates the ultimate weapon for the government and a curse that will plague mankind for the rest of days.”

Cool title for YET ANOTHER zombie movie. Interesting to frame it around the Cuban Missile Crisis, which, I always thought was a near miss catastrophe about the Cuban cigar shortage. (Cigars are missile-shaped, hence, I assumed, the term.) Warning: this is what beer does to you.

Alien Cats, Magic Boxes, Natural Disasters

Doing my taxes while watching horror movies. Kinda the same thing. And like my taxes, here’s some upcoming horror movies you won’t get a refund after watching…

ZOMBIE CATS FROM MARS (February 14, 2017/DVD)
“Billy is a fan of vintage science fiction action thrillers. His only friend is Cameron, a nerdy film buff who tries to boost his confidence whenever he can. After seeing a UFO land, Billy retreats into his head, imagining that aliens are taking over the town. Cameron is skeptical, as is the rest of the town. Meanwhile, people are starting to die. Meanwhile, the killings continue. Billy, wrapped up in a world of fiction, discovers a story in which Martian Cats land on Earth and inflict horror upon the town.”

Great. Alien cats using Earth as a litter box. Still, kitty cats flying around in UFOs — that’s kinda cute. But like all things feline, they soon wear out their welcome. My solution for Billy is to go get Fluffy, that giant, three-headed slobbering dog from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001) to go all Cujo on ‘em.

DON’T KILL IT (March 3, 2017/VOD)
“An ancient evil is unleashed in a small Alaskan town leaving a trail of death and destruction as it passes from host to host. The only hope of survival lies with a grizzled demon hunter who has faced this terror before. Together with a reluctant FBI agent he has to figure out how to destroy a demon with the ability to possess its killer.”

Sounds a LOT like The Hidden (1987), i.e.: “An alien parasite with the ability to possess human bodies goes on a violent crime spree in Los Angeles. A human cop, Detective Beckett, and an alien cop posing as a young FBI agent Gallagher both pursue the parasite who frequently changes his human hosts.”

All they did was change locations and say that the alien parasite is YET ANOTHER ancient evil whoozit. While I’m not an alien (that I know of) or born of ancient evil (maybe a little), it’d be cool to be able to switch bodies. Just think of how many restaurants you could dine ‘n dash. Sweet!

WISH UPON (June 30, 2017)
“17 year-old Clare Shannon is bullied in high school, embarrassed by her manic, hoarder father Jonathan and ignored by her longtime crush. All that changes when her father comes home with an old music box whose inscription promises to grant its owner seven wishes. While Clare is initially skeptical of this magic box, she can’t help but be seduced by its dark powers, and is thrilled as her life radically improves with each wish.”

“Clare finally has the life she’s always wanted and everything seems perfect — until the people closest to her begin dying in violent and elaborate ways after each wish. Clare realizes that she must get rid of the box, but finds herself unable and unwilling to part with her new-and-improved life — leading her down a dark and dangerous path.”

If I had a magic box that granted me wishes but left people bereft of life as a consequence, would I continue to use it? Only until the wishes were used up. (Sorry people closest to me — that in-ground swimming pool ain’t gonna build itself.)

THE QUAKE (August 2018/Norway)
“Inspired by a 1904 earthquake in Oslo. Rather than embracing the ‘disaster porn’ aesthetic of films like San Andreas (2015), Norway’s The Wave (2015) was wonderfully restrained; the effects took a back seat to the human emotion, making it one of the best disaster movies to come along in recent years.”

Not much else to say about the ground shaking like Godzilla’s busted washing machine. I do, however, have a kicker line ready for ‘em. (Please deposit bit coins into my account to use it): The Quake — It’ll Crack You Up. I should be a millionaire. P.S. Wonder if they’ll name the sequel, The Quisp. Heh.

The Wave: Making A Big Splash

Since big screen disaster flicks aren’t just the province of the U.S., it’s cool to see other countries sharing in the forecast of mass destruction. Such is the case with Norway’s first disaster movie, Bølgen, or The Wave. (Looking at the movie poster, I saw the big wave and deduced that was what Bølgen meant. Man, mastering Norwegian is way easy!)

Bølgen/The Wave is based on the real tsunami, which killed 40 people in Norway’s Tafjord in 1934. No wonder, then, that the movie became an instant smash (sorry) hit when it was domestically released in August 2015, with the ominous tag line of “It has happened before. It will not happen again,” or “Det har skjedd før. Det vil skje igjen.” (Geez, it’s like someone kicked the Scrabble™ board.)

Since the main attraction speaks for itself, a plot isn’t really necessary. But for the sake of all you “purists,” here’s what gets taken out with the tide: “Even though awaited, no one is really ready when the mountain pass of Åkneset above the scenic narrow Norwegian fjord Geiranger falls out and creates a 85 meter (278 feet) high violent tsunami. A geologist is one of those caught in the middle of it.”

Sucks to be a geologist.

For more kick ass foreign tidal waves, see Haeundae, (2009), a Korean disaster flick, and Exodus: Gods and Kings (2015), an Egyptian-set spiritual disaster flick.

P.S. The giant wave in Exodus was caused by bible human rights activist Moses. Like Aquaman, he can make water do whatever he wants, which is why he’ll never lose his soap in murky bathtub water. Think about it.