Space Dolls, Sci-fi Marriage Counselor, Dancing Ghost

If you have a spare $2,001.00 laying around (and who doesn’t?), you’ll want to frivolously/impulsively spend it on Andy Strattmiller’s 2001: A Space Odyssey Nesting Dolls available through Gallery 1988. Nesting dolls were created in 1890 by wood turning craftsman and wood carver Vasily Zvyozdochkin from a design by Sergey Malyutin, who was a folk crafts painter at Abramtsevo. This is how people wasted their time before TV was invented.

Andy’s nesting dolls are painted acrylic on wood, six inches tall (the others are smaller so as to fit inside) and, as stated, are inspired by 1968’s 2001: A Space Odyssey. In that landmark sci-fi movie, after uncovering a mysterious, time-bending monolith buried beneath the lunar surface, a spacecraft with two crew is sent to Jupiter to find its origins. The movie also introduced us to HAL 9000, a talking/talking back computer that was turning on/off lights/life support way before Alexa™/Siri™. 

A humorous footnote: A few months into the release, they realized a lot of people were watching it while smoking “funny cigarettes”. Someone in San Francisco even ran right through the screen screaming, “It’s God!” So they came up with a new poster that said, 2001 – The Ultimate Trip! If you smoke funny cigarettes and watch this trippy movie, you can buy a reprint of the poster at Walmart™ for $14.99 to enhance your view of the Universe.

So while we all strap in for the ride, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made better by smoking funny cigarettes…

ANDROMEDA 2 / Out now (VOD)

“Following the events of Andromeda, Aiden Crawford returns to Earth to re-write the fabric of time and save the planet from destruction.”

If I could re-write the fabric of time, I could re-live Happy Hour over and over. Oh, and to keep pointless movies like this from ever being made, thereby saving whatever planet this is from destruction.

THREE / Out now (Egypt), Release pending US

“In the bustling suburbs of a modern-day Middle Eastern city, a young boy named Ahmed begins exhibiting strange behavior, eventually leading his mother, Maryam, to believe he is possessed. As the plot intensifies, Maryam races against time, seeking the help of a Western doctor, medical professionals, and ultimately an infamous exorcist, all to save her son.”

Nah, he’s just going through puberty. Get him the DVD of Boob-O-Rama 3D and let nature take its course.

DRIFTWOOD / March 8, 2024 (VOD)

“A woman enters an experimental treatment that creates a shared subconscious with her estranged husband. But when a mysterious and hostile presence sabotages the system, she must navigate a labyrinth of nightmares to save her husband and escape.”

Sounds like a video game for married people.

RONGGENG KEMATIAN / March 28, 2024 (Indonesia), Release pending US

“Four youths — Adit, Ricky, Yudi, and Aksan — receive an invitation to return to the village where they underwent an internship seven years ago. What should have been an appreciation of their success turns into a terrifying experience as they encounter Sulastri, a vengeful Ronggeng dancer ghost. Filled with malice, Sulastri seeks the destruction of the youths, unleashing a trail of evil upon them.

The title translates to Room of Death, which is a LOT easier to spell.

Super Movies, Exorcism Fail, Breakfast Massacre

There’s a fun post on 9gag.com, which has thearchitectguy recreating classic movie posters using superheroes in place of the actors. This is what’s referred to as a “Meme”, which is defined thusly: “A meme (MEEM) is an idea, behavior, or style that spreads by means of imitation from person to person within a culture and often carries symbolic meaning representing a particular phenomenon or theme.” Who knew?

Thearchitectguy meme’d Superman and Wonder Woman in place of Gone With The Wind’s (1939) Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh (whoever they are), smooching up a storm while a Metropolis plantation in the background goes up in metaphorical flames. Then there’s Free Willy recast as Aquaman commanding a fat ass orca to do tricks. (If you haven’t seen Free Willy III: Packed In Spring Water, it’s worth the rental fee.) And there’s lots more: The Flash starring in Alfred Hitchcock’s North By Northwest (1959), the Joker starring in The Mask (1994), Green Lantern starring in Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968), and hilariously, the Justice League starring in Magic Mike (2012). Click this to see all of ’em.

So while we all imagine ourselves smooching up a storm with Wonder Woman, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be packed in spring water… 

THE NIGHTGOWN / Out now (VOD)

“In 1976 three curious schoolgirls set out to unravel the mystery of a botched exorcism and untimely death of a young girl.”

How in the HELL do you botch an exorcism? It’s not rocket science — just spritz the possessed person with some blessed Pine-Sol™, recant a few Motörhead lyrics and then crack a cold one to YET ANOTHER successful purification. 

END TIMES / July 14, 2023 (Limited Theaters, VOD)

“Claire and Freddie, a pair of mismatched travelers, try to escape a deadly pandemic that has turned Los Angeles into a zombie-infested wasteland. Claire is a privileged young suburbanite ill-equipped to survive in this hostile new landscape, until she meets Freddie, a retired soldier who lost his daughter to the virus. As they travel together to reach the perimeter, Freddie teaches Claire the skills that will enable Claire to survive, and the uneasy partnership between the two grows into something more akin to a father/daughter relationship. Before they can reach safety, the two will have to escape brutal gangs, cannibals, cults, and the undead.”

Asylum Studios, waving their plagiarism flag around YET AGAIN, this time ripping off The Last of Us (2023). And this won’t be the last of them because ripping off successful intellectual properties is what they do.

DON’T LOOK AWAY / September 1, 2023 (Theaters)

“After a gang of criminals unintentionally unleashes a supernatural force onto the world, Frankie, a young woman, is convinced she’s being stalked by a killer mannequin. Frankie soon realizes that her friends are in jeopardy, too. She must find the man who holds the key to stopping the killings. But Frankie knows that once you see the mannequin, there may be no end in sight…except for your own.”

Don’t Look Away was inspired by the hit video game, Stay Close (2016). I don’t play video games — I play with girls. And slot machines. Both cost a LOT of money.

PANCAKE MAN / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A man goes on a killing spree after he is refused his favorite breakfast dish.”

I feel his pain. When I was a kid I went to pour myself a mixing bowl full of Cap’n Crunch™, only to find the cereal box was empty. And to twist the knife, the empty box was left in the cupboard and not put it in recycling. I’m still planning my revenge.

International Horrors, Buzzkill Bees, Plug-in Kids

The success of a horror/sci-fi movie often depends heavily on eye-snagging poster art to economically market their cinematic bowel movements. Movie poster art is a culture unto its own, with numerous websites devoted to curating every movie poster ever designed. (Check out IMPAwards.com — it’s a treasure trove of both US and International hi-res movie posters.)

The illustrations on International horror and sci-fi movie posters, though, are crazy cool and often out-markets their US counterparts. You couldn’t tell, but the poster at the top is Pumpkinhead (1988) from Turkey. More examples — The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) – France, Alien (1979) – Poland, The Return of the Living Dead (1985) – Thailand, Jaws 2 (1978) – Poland — are great examples of art unrestrained from studio interference. (The movie ad sheet for 1969’s chiller Frosty the Snowman designed in Antarctica could have been so much more bloody had the studio not stepped in and ice-blocked it.)

Two of the crazier movie posters are Cujo (1983) from Ghana and The Omen (1976) from the Czech Republic. The Cujo poster looks like a pet greeting card while The Omen poster displays the movie’s evilness in devilishly hand-illustrated glory. So while we download these posters and frame ‘em, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be a cinematic bowel movement… 

SILO / May 5, 2023 (AppleTV+™)

The series tells of the last 10,000 people on Earth, their mile-deep home protecting them from the toxic and deadly world outside. However, no one knows when or why the silo was built, and any who try to find out face fatal consequences. An engineer seeks answers about a loved one’s murder and tumbles onto a mystery that goes far deeper than she could have ever imagined, leading her to discover that if the lies don’t kill you, the truth will.”

It’s not a silo — it’s a discarded kaiju milkshake straw Godzilla threw away after gorging at Fleeing Citizens Burgers Drive-In. (FYI: Their chili cheese fries are to die for.)

MARRY F*** KILL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Five estranged college friends reunite to attend their friend’s funeral after a shocking suicide. Scarred by a past betrayal that led to the ultimate demise of their friendship, an innocent game of Marry F**k Kill spawns into something far more sinister than they could have imagined.”

So this Marry F**k Kill game — I looked everywhere on Amazon.com™ and couldn’t find it. Maybe they have it at Hustler Superstore™.

BLOODTHIRSTY BEES (aka THE HIVE) / Release pending 2023 (VOD)
“The biological experiment of the Japanese army failed. A group of infected bloodthirsty bees attacked the experimenters and fled into the mountain forest. When Taoyuan Village in the middle of the mountain forest held a bonfire event, the mutant bees attacked the village, causing heavy casualties.”

It’d be really funny if Bloodthirsty Bees starred Sting.

ELECTRIC CHILD / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A computer scientist has a newborn son who suffers from a rare neurological disorder. The father then makes a deal with the artificial intelligence he is developing. If he manages to cure his son, he grants the life form in his supercomputer its freedom. This sets off a chain reaction that also has consequences for the outside world.”

Supercomputer gone wild movies have been around for awhile, prime examples being HAL (Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer) in 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) and Colossus in The Forbin Project (1970). And I’ll never forget that time my 1982 Commodore 64 supercomputer outsmarted me at Pong…and then digitally LOL’d right on the 640×400 resolution screen. Supercomputers are so rude.

Smack-Talking Computers, Possessed Ubers, The Curse of Seagulls

Remember HAL 9000 (Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic), the sentient super computer with a human personality, in the groundbreaking sci-fi movie, 2001: A Space Odyssey (which ironically was done in 1968)? Now CASE (Cognitive Architecture for Space Exploration) is making a new HAL — which spells doom for all us astronauts (I’m almost done with my online courses, so yeah, I’m an astronaut, b*tches!)

2001: A Space Odyssey, as you likely know, was infamously produced and directed by fake moon landing movie maker, Stanley Kubrick from an Arthur C. Clark short story, Sentinel of Eternity (1951). In 2001, HAL, the computer not only talks, but talks back, overrides human commands and secretly has a directive to investigate a radio signal sent from that mysterious, featureless Monolith. (The Who — lunar British rock band — symbolically peed on it for the cover of their rhythmic beats album, Who’s Next/1971. Disrespectful, but very rock). The crew of Discovery One should’ve waited to see what happened to the staff of the deep space Nostromo in Alien (1979). Ash (Hyperdyne Systems 120-A/2 android), their super computer in the clever guise of a stink human, pulled the exact same sh*t and look what happened there.

Pretty much everybody (except me) owns their own personal HAL, though they call it Alexa/Siri/Google. My dire warning to you is to not trust any of those convenient smart home devices and make sure you don’t involuntarily get locked out of your house/deep space vessel.

While you contemplate machines taking over the world, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not digitally sever your oxygen hose…

BEYOND WHITE SPACE (December 14, 2018)
“The captain of a deep-space vessel makes a daring decision to go after a rare and nearly extinct species. His obsession soon jeopardizes the mutinous crew when the gigantic and deadly creature attacks the ship.”

Sounds like Moby Dick in space. The trailer is pretty cool — there’s a mega big gigantic huge Godzilla-esque monster floating around, looking for spaceship flavored snacks. The deep-space vessel may as well put a Fritos™ logo on the side of their ship.

SUPERGRID (December 18, 2018)
“Two estranged brothers travel the notorious ‘Grid’ in their quest to collect and deliver a mysterious cargo. En route they must contend with road pirates, rebel gangs, and each other.”

The plot of traveling across the danger-enhanced apocalyptic wastelands steal from dozens of other same-plot movies/TV shows, but also the morning work commute. 

THE CAR: ROAD TO REVENGE (January 8, 2019)
“In a dilapidated cyberpunk city plagued by crime and corruption, an unscrupulous District Attorney is savagely murdered and tossed out of a building onto his brand new car. Mysteriously, the District Attorney and his car come back to life as a single being with a thirst for vengeance. The eerie driver-less car embarks on a vicious rampage exacting revenge on the criminals who murdered him.”

They’re calling this a “stylized sequel” to the 1977 movie called, The Car, wherein a possessed vehicle runs people down and parks on their faces. The lead character was James Brolin, who later went on to The Amityville Horror infamy. He seems nice.

CURSE OF THE BLIND DEAD (2019)
“In the Thirteen century, a group of Satan worshipers, the Knight Templars, is captured during a ritual and brutally murdered by the locals. Just before the execution, the Knights swear to return from their graves to haunt the village and the nearby forest. Centuries later, in a post-apocalyptic future, a man and his daughter try to survive against both the Undead Knights and a sect commanded by a mad preacher.”

Sound familiar? It should — it’s a continuation of the early Seventies Italian-filmed Blind Dead series (Tombs of the Blind Dead/1971, The Return of the Blind Dead/1973, The Ghost Galleon/1974, Night of the Seagulls/1975). Blind dead Templar Knights out for revenge are certainly scary. But man, don’t get in a dust up with seagulls — those things always know when you wash your car and will unleash their coordinated crap attacks on your just-cleaned hood and door handle. (How do they manage such accuracy? Geez.)

Hippie Wizard

“My name is Simon. I live in a storm drain.”

The first line of dialogue from Simon, King of The Witches, one of the most comedic straight-played psychedelic “horror” movies of the early Seventies (1971 to hit the nail on the head).

Yep, Simon Sinestrari is homeless, broke and dripping with the kind of chunky liquids that frequent the sewer systems. “Many call me a warlock. But I am one of the true magicians.” Forty seconds into the movie and you’re wondering why Simon isn’t conjuring himself a rain coat and a penicillin shot.

A true huckster who believes in his own huck, Simon hooks up with a male prostitute (as friends – don’t get your freak on), who introduces the scheming wizard to a world of illegal drugs and the kinds of Wiccan parties your parents used to have when they weren’t thinking of having you. Oh, and there’s a goat. (Hey, the thing was important to the plot.) It’s here Simon works the crowd for coins and croissants.

Simon’s best magic trick is keeping a straight face when repeatedly chanting a goofy spells to get laid. Example – Naked, Simon fiddles with a dagger while standing over an equally naked chick on a ceremonial buffet table. “Charge, magnetic, charge, electric…” The knife flings out of his hand as he embarrassingly shrugs, “I failed.” Statistically, that happens to all warlocks at one time or another.

Wading through puddles of LOL dialogue, Simon’s Rent-a-Center™ magic skills puts him face-to-face with a glowing, floating red ball that comes complete with its own hippie sci-fi soundtrack to indicate it’s great and powerful power. The glow ball leads Simon to a talking floor-length mirror, which is really an entrance to another realm. Of course Simon has to go through the looking glass – he’s a wizard, man.

So what does he encounter? Swirly hippie visuals, a chick in a nightie begging for help, more space-y visuals ripped off from 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968). Like all good parties, it has to come to an end – with a cop bust, an O.D.’d chick, a corrupt District Attorney, and two freaked out drug pushers, who track him down to his drain condo stab Simon in the gut drain four times with a dagger of all things.

But hey, Simon is the king of witches, b*tches – his disembodied voice floats over things floating in the sewer as he sums it up from beyond: “Death is only temporary. Think about that for a while…”

I will, Simon. I will.