Archive for dagger

Taste-Testing Virgin Blood

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 29, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood of the Virgins

In the 19th Century Argentina, a vampire (uncursed real name: Gustavo), walking around in daylight (WTF?!?), is having an argument with his girlfriend in the woods. He wants them to be together forever, the big softy. Ofelia, his genetically gifted squeeze, is unfortunately betrothed to Eduardo, a handsome rich guy whose not bad with a paint brush. This “Dracula” cares not for the fine arts.

Blood of the Virgins

Ofelia goes ahead and marries Eduardo and both head straight for the matrimony mattress to make some honeymoon butter. Before Eduardo can fire up the churn, J.D. (jealous Drac) shows up, stabs Ed in the neck sideways (think arrow in the head, but in the neck area), and hypnotizes Ofelia into submitting to his will. Gotta hand it to Dracula at this point; he goes for her boobs first. Dessert before dinner.

Blood of the Virgins

Through the magic of science, we’re flash forwarded to the 20th Century, specifically, the Swingin’ Sixites, were several young couple travel the land, smooch like slobber monkeys and have sex every five minutes. So horny are these horn dogs, they even take off their clothes while dancing at festive discotheques. (Places your parents used to go to dance naked before you came along and ruined their fun lives. Get over it.)

Blood of the Virgins

A late night out, a car out of gas, and the group is forced to spend the night in an abandoned lodge up the road a kilometer. Why, that’s just a conga line away! Even vacant for years, the lodge looks as clean and party crash-able as it did back in… Wait a minute — that’s the same honeymoon hotel Ofelia was denied marriage and life to become one of the damned. Now she’s doomed to walk the lodge in a sheer nightgown for all eternity.

Blood of the Virgins

Ofelia horizontally seduces one the young men (so much for his girlfriend), and Dracula goes from red eye to green eye. Two young women are missing the next morning, only to show up later all freaked out, screaming about blood and showing off their puncture wound necklace. At the hospital, one boyfriend feels up his sick girlfriend and smooches on her. Didn’t make her feel good, but it did wonders for his, um, “condition.”

Blood of the Virgins

Ofelia, who hasn’t changed her underwear in 100 years, seduces the brother of the sick sister. Before he can cerrar el trato, the aerated ghost of Eduardo shows up with the very same dagger Dracula shoved up his nuptial hole all those happy years ago and finally gives Ofelia a way out of her clothes and living dead nightmare. Doesn’t need to be said, this does not end well for Dracula.

Blood of the Virgins

Blood of the Virgins (aka, Sangre de Virgenes/1967) is a misleading title as it was proved not applicable in the first 15 minutes of the movie when every girl put that milestone behind her in this unfettered showcase of boobies and pantless dancing.

Hippie Wizard

Posted in Classic Horror, Fantasy, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 9, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Simon, King of the Witches

“My name is Simon. I live in a storm drain.”

The first line of dialogue from Simon, King of The Witches, one of the most comedic straight-played psychedelic “horror” movies of the early Seventies (1971 to hit the nail on the head).

Simon, King of the Witches

Yep, Simon Sinestrari is homeless, broke and dripping with the kind of chunky liquids that frequent the sewer systems. “Many call me a warlock. But I am one of the true magicians.” Forty seconds into the movie and you’re wondering why Simon isn’t conjuring himself a rain coat and a penicillin shot.

Simon, King of the Witches

A true huckster who believes in his own huck, Simon hooks up with a male prostitute (as friends – don’t get your freak on), who introduces the scheming wizard to a world of illegal drugs and the kinds of Wiccan parties your parents used to have when they weren’t thinking of having you. Oh, and there’s a goat. (Hey, the thing was important to the plot.) It’s here Simon works the crowd for coins and croissants.

Simon, King of the Witches

Simon’s best magic trick is keeping a straight face when repeatedly chanting a goofy spells to get laid. Example – Naked, Simon fiddles with a dagger while standing over an equally naked chick on a ceremonial buffet table. “Charge, magnetic, charge, electric…” The knife flings out of his hand as he embarrassingly shrugs, “I failed.” Statistically, that happens to all warlocks at one time or another.

Simon, King of the Witches

Wading through puddles of LOL dialogue, Simon’s Rent-a-Center™ magic skills puts him face-to-face with a glowing, floating red ball that comes complete with its own hippie sci-fi soundtrack to indicate it’s great and powerful power. The glow ball leads Simon to a talking floor-length mirror, which is really an entrance to another realm. Of course Simon has to go through the looking glass – he’s a wizard, man.

Simon, King of the Witches

So what does he encounter? Swirly hippie visuals, a chick in a nightie begging for help, more space-y visuals ripped off from 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968). Like all good parties, it has to come to an end – with a cop bust, an O.D.’d chick, a corrupt District Attorney, and two freaked out drug pushers, who track him down to his drain condo stab Simon in the gut drain four times with a dagger of all things.

Simon, King of the Witches

But hey, Simon is the king of witches, b*tches – his disembodied voice floats over things floating in the sewer as he sums it up from beyond: “Death is only temporary. Think about that for a while…”

I will, Simon. I will.