Horror Household, Elevator Sharks, Funny Zombies

The Addams Family started out as syndicated cartoon (1938), then a massively popular TV series (1964), an animated cartoon (1973), a TV film (1977), a second animated series (1992 — 1993), two big screen films (1991/1993), a touring theatre play (2017), a video game series, academic books, and soundtracks based around its Grammy-nominated theme song. Now the eccentrically macabre family gets yet another reboot as The Addams Family, a big-budget animated movie coming out October 18, 2019. To this date, my family has done none of the above.

Here’s the plot: “The family they faces off against a crafty reality TV host while also preparing for their extended family to arrive for a major celebration.”

Lots of celebrity vocal cords are lending their verbal skillz to this one: “Charlize Theron will voice Morticia Addams and Oscar Isaac is voicing Gomez Addams, with Chloë Grace Moretz as Wednesday Addams. The cast also includes Finn Wolfhard as Pugsley Addams, Nick Kroll as Uncle Fester, Bette Midler as Grandmama, Allison Janney as Margaux Needler, and Elsie Fisher as Parker Needler, the daughter of Margaux.

Chloë Grace Moretz, who voices Wednesday Addams, has in her vast acting resume, played a doomed kid in a haunted house (The Amityville Horror/2005), a vampire (Let Me In/2010), a werewolf (Dark Shadows/2012), a telekinetic prom queen (Carrie/2013), a mini superhero (Kick-Ass/2010, Kick-Ass 2/2013), and a freedom fighter defending Earth from aliens (The 5th Wave/2016). I hereby nominate her for an Academy Award for being awesome. 

Here’s a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as awesome as Chloë Grace Moretz…

THE SILENCE (April 10, 2019/Netflix™)
“When the world is under attack from terrifying creatures who hunt their human prey by sound, 16-year old Ally Andrews, who lost her hearing at 13, and her family seek refuge in a remote haven. But they discover a sinister cult who are eager to exploit Ally’s heightened senses.”

Wasn’t the idea of creatures hunting people animals by sound the premise of A Quiet Place (2018)? I can hear a lawsuit in the distance.  

THE DEAD DON’T DIE (June 14, 2019)
“The Dead Don’t Die is an upcoming American zombie horror comedy film, written and directed by Jim Jarmusch. It stars Adam Driver, Bill Murray, Selena Gomez, Chloë Sevigny, Steve Buscemi, Austin Butler, Tilda Swinton, Tom Waits, and Caleb Landry Jones.”

No plot just yet, but you could probably figure it out. It’s also being billed as “the greatest zombie cast ever disassembled.” That’s pretty dang funny.

47 METERS DOWN: UNCAGED (August 16, 2019)
“Four teens diving in a ruined underwater city quickly find themselves in a watery hell as their adventure turns to horror when they learn they are not alone in the submerged caves. As they swim deeper into the claustrophobic labyrinth of caves they enter the territory of the deadliest shark species in the ocean.”

The above art is actually a screen grab of an elevator in Vegas, which is a clever new way to advertise a movie. (There’s also a hilarious Child’s Play elevator as well.) I bet the elevator only goes down. 47 meters, is what I’m thinkin’.

ANNABELLE COMES HOME (June 28, 2019)
“Determined to keep Annabelle from wreaking more havoc, demonologists Ed and Lorraine Warren bring the possessed doll to the locked artifacts room in their home, placing her ‘safely’ behind sacred glass and enlisting a priest’s holy blessing. But an unholy night of horror awaits as Annabelle awakens the evil spirits in the room, who all set their sights on a new target — the Warrens’ ten-year-old daughter, Judy, and her friends.”

Think we just found Chucky a new girlfriend.

Spiders With Passports, Undead Animals, Killer Clothes

Three new key art posters promoting the upcoming (July 5, 2019) release of Spider-Man: Far From Home, the sequel to the smash hit, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017). Spiders…home…I’m sensing a theme here, beacuse who doesn’t have spiders in their home? I don’t, but that’s not the point.

Actually, I don’t have a point, other than Spider-Man: Homecoming was kick ass and I’m webbing my pants in anticipation of the new one.

I’ve already written about Spider-Man: Far From Home and outlined its plot. Only thing I can add is I’m pretty sure Spider-Man gets laid in this one. You go, Peter! (Okay, that didn’t sound as good as it did in my head.)

While we all wait for Spider-Man to squirt sticky fluid out of his…wrists, here are a few now available horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave you feeling like you need a cigarette and a nap after watching ’em…

ZOOMBIES 2 (available now)
“Poachers break into an animal preserve to poison the animals they are hunting. However, one of the poison darts actually contains an animal zombie virus instead, causing the surviving poachers and park staff to work together to survive a killer animal outbreak.”

Did you see Zoombies (2016)? Even though the plot is practically the same as the sequel, you should be publicly humiliated for not watching it and… Yeah, I didn’t see it, either.

MERCY BLACK (available now)
Fifteen years after stabbing a classmate to conjure an imaginary phantom known as Mercy Black, Marina Hess is coming home. She’s being released from psychiatric care to live with her sister and young nephew. But in the years since her crime, the myth of Mercy Black has gone viral inspiring Internet rumors, stories, and even copycat crimes. Marina is haunted by what she has done and the phantom she imagined. Though she would rather leave the past buried, her nephew becomes increasingly obsessed with Mercy Black. To save him, Marina must face her past and uncover the truth behind Mercy Black. What she discovers is a very real and very deadly horror that will stop at nothing to claim her and her nephew.”

If I was Slenderman, I’d hire an attorney.

THE HAUNTING OF SUICIDE HOUSE (available now)
“It’s been three years since a local girl murdered her family in cold blood, leaving a trail of theories about what really happened in the house on 101 Black Street.”

If I was The Amityville Horror, I’d hire an attorney.

THE GOWN (available now)
“After discovering that the vintage wedding dress she’s chosen to wear is cursed, a bride-to-be struggles to solve its mystery before it kills everyone in her wedding party.”

A haunted wedding dress. Slashin’, not fashion. Apparently, dry cleaning it with holy steam was a waste of time AND money.

Smack-Talking Computers, Possessed Ubers, The Curse of Seagulls

Remember HAL 9000 (Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic), the sentient super computer with a human personality, in the groundbreaking sci-fi movie, 2001: A Space Odyssey (which ironically was done in 1968)? Now CASE (Cognitive Architecture for Space Exploration) is making a new HAL — which spells doom for all us astronauts (I’m almost done with my online courses, so yeah, I’m an astronaut, b*tches!)

2001: A Space Odyssey, as you likely know, was infamously produced and directed by fake moon landing movie maker, Stanley Kubrick from an Arthur C. Clark short story, Sentinel of Eternity (1951). In 2001, HAL, the computer not only talks, but talks back, overrides human commands and secretly has a directive to investigate a radio signal sent from that mysterious, featureless Monolith. (The Who — lunar British rock band — symbolically peed on it for the cover of their rhythmic beats album, Who’s Next/1971. Disrespectful, but very rock). The crew of Discovery One should’ve waited to see what happened to the staff of the deep space Nostromo in Alien (1979). Ash (Hyperdyne Systems 120-A/2 android), their super computer in the clever guise of a stink human, pulled the exact same sh*t and look what happened there.

Pretty much everybody (except me) owns their own personal HAL, though they call it Alexa/Siri/Google. My dire warning to you is to not trust any of those convenient smart home devices and make sure you don’t involuntarily get locked out of your house/deep space vessel.

While you contemplate machines taking over the world, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not digitally sever your oxygen hose…

BEYOND WHITE SPACE (December 14, 2018)
“The captain of a deep-space vessel makes a daring decision to go after a rare and nearly extinct species. His obsession soon jeopardizes the mutinous crew when the gigantic and deadly creature attacks the ship.”

Sounds like Moby Dick in space. The trailer is pretty cool — there’s a mega big gigantic huge Godzilla-esque monster floating around, looking for spaceship flavored snacks. The deep-space vessel may as well put a Fritos™ logo on the side of their ship.

SUPERGRID (December 18, 2018)
“Two estranged brothers travel the notorious ‘Grid’ in their quest to collect and deliver a mysterious cargo. En route they must contend with road pirates, rebel gangs, and each other.”

The plot of traveling across the danger-enhanced apocalyptic wastelands steal from dozens of other same-plot movies/TV shows, but also the morning work commute. 

THE CAR: ROAD TO REVENGE (January 8, 2019)
“In a dilapidated cyberpunk city plagued by crime and corruption, an unscrupulous District Attorney is savagely murdered and tossed out of a building onto his brand new car. Mysteriously, the District Attorney and his car come back to life as a single being with a thirst for vengeance. The eerie driver-less car embarks on a vicious rampage exacting revenge on the criminals who murdered him.”

They’re calling this a “stylized sequel” to the 1977 movie called, The Car, wherein a possessed vehicle runs people down and parks on their faces. The lead character was James Brolin, who later went on to The Amityville Horror infamy. He seems nice.

CURSE OF THE BLIND DEAD (2019)
“In the Thirteen century, a group of Satan worshipers, the Knight Templars, is captured during a ritual and brutally murdered by the locals. Just before the execution, the Knights swear to return from their graves to haunt the village and the nearby forest. Centuries later, in a post-apocalyptic future, a man and his daughter try to survive against both the Undead Knights and a sect commanded by a mad preacher.”

Sound familiar? It should — it’s a continuation of the early Seventies Italian-filmed Blind Dead series (Tombs of the Blind Dead/1971, The Return of the Blind Dead/1973, The Ghost Galleon/1974, Night of the Seagulls/1975). Blind dead Templar Knights out for revenge are certainly scary. But man, don’t get in a dust up with seagulls — those things always know when you wash your car and will unleash their coordinated crap attacks on your just-cleaned hood and door handle. (How do they manage such accuracy? Geez.)

Killer Cakes, Reflecting Evil, Pregnant Horror

Okay, so this is pretty cool — Christine McConnell, artist/photographer/baker, is getting her own Netflix™ TV cooking show series called The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell, premiering October 12, 2018. If you don’t know her work, she’s famous (250,000 followers on Instagram™) for her horror-themed baked yummables.

From the press release: “Wickedly talented baker and artist, Christine McConnell welcomes you into her terrifyingly delicious home to create delectable confections and hauntingly disturbing decor with the help of her colorful collection of creatures.”

Awesome. Makes you wonder, though, if her Alien Facehugger cake bursts out of your stomach after you eat it. I’ve had Hostess Twinkies™ do that. While you chew on the visual, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as tasty as artificially-flavored snack treat…

PUPPET MASTER: BLITZKRIEG MASSACRE (available now)
“This stomach-churning adventure starts off with Puppet Master: Blitzkrieg Massacre, in which The Gore Collector culls the sickest moments from the 11-film deep Puppet Master series, mashing them together with macabre music and brand new moments of body-breaking mayhem: In an unknown dystopian future, a drifter with an unusually high-tolerance for pain is held captive in a horrific hospital by The Circle of Psycho Surgeons, a clandestine crew of M.D.’s (that’s medical deviants) who are experimenting with human suffering. Suddenly, our shackled hero hears the call of The Gore Collector, a sadistic curator of carnage who is well past his prime and now seeks an heir to take over his evil operation. Escaping from the lurid lab, the drifter enters the underground lair of The Gore Collector — there the perverse programmer pops in a vile videotape and begins the process of trying to warp the man’s mind with some of the goriest and most gruesome moments from Full Moon’s iconic film franchises.”

Yeesh, talk about recycling. So this basically a greatest hits package and a way to further milk a horror franchise that, like the victims in these movies, should’ve died a long time ago.

LOOK AWAY (October 12, 2018)
A lonely 18-year-old high schooler opens up to her reflection because of the lack of support she has from family and her peers. She switches place with her supportive, but evil, twin that she discovers in the mirror’s reflection, but the newfound freedom unleashes suppressed feelings.

My mirror twin is a real asshat. Nice hair, though.

BLESSED ARE THE CHILDREN (October 23, 2018)
Traci Patterson, an adrift 20-something who’s still reeling from the death of her father and her breakup with an abusive fiancé, discovers that she’s pregnant. With the help of her friends, Erin and Mandy, Traci decides to terminate her pregnancy, but quickly after leaving the clinic, she begins seeing and hearing things — shapes in the corner of her eye, strange noises in the middle of the night, and ghoulish figures stalking her every move. Is it guilt or are Traci and her friends in grave danger?”

So the douchebag abusive fiancé knocked up Traci and then bailed? I think the ghoulish figures are stalking the wrong person.

THE AMITYVILLE MURDERS (November 13, 2018)
“On the night of November 13, 1974, Ronald DeFeo, Jr. took a high-powered rifle and murdered his entire family as they slept. At his trial, DeFeo claimed that “voices” in the house commanded him to kill. Thirteen months later, the Lutz family bought the house and stayed only 28 days before fleeing in terror. Their nightmarish ordeal shocked the world in The Amityville Horror. The Lutzes may have escaped from Amityville with their lives…but the DeFeos weren’t so lucky. This is their story.”

There are three certainties in life: taxes, death and YET ANOTHER Amityville Horror spin-off. And yet I’ll probably watch it. Voices are telling me to.

Not The Stairway To Heaven

The instructions to make The Doorway (2000) must’ve come off a box of Count Chocula™: Take four college kids, put ’em in a haunted house, have a doorway to Hell in the basement, and let unnatural nature take its course. 

Of course the ancient medallion keeping the doorway to Hell from swinging both ways is knocked off the sacred nail holding back epic evil, and a succubus (female demon that likes to get jiggy) roams from bedroom to bedroom, wreaking mattress havoc and sticking out her plastic green tongue.

The students try and solve the mystery of the skanky spook by hooking up with their ghost-hunting college professor, Roy Scheider. (Hey, this was the guy who kicked Jaws’ wet butt, so it was a strategic move.) The only thing missing is a dog named Scooby Doo. Rory doesn’t last long, though, getting his entire face ripped in half by the face-ripping face-ripper. Then everybody else falls prey to the smelly forces emanating from the basement. 

There’s a happy assortment of boobs and a lingering sex scene, which was pleasant on an R-rated sliding scale. The creatures that come a’knockin’, however, aren’t particularly scary, nor unique. In fact, the whole flick lamely rips off The Legend of Hell House (1973), The Amityville Horror (1979), Night of the Demons (1988),  and Hellraiser (1987), without batting an evil eye. 

The girls are cute (especially the short blonde chick), but the guys are dorks of chess club proportions. In the end, it all sucks. But the thing about doorways is that you can always go out the same way you came in.

Xeroxed Haunted House

Whoever wrote The Shining (1980) should be going after the filmmakers of 7 Days To Live (2001), a connect-the-dots horror formula rip-off.

A novelist and his wife buy a patently haunted mansion in a countryside marsh to put their grieving behind them after their son ate a bee and choked to death. (He should’ve put some butter or salt on it first.) The house has a dubious history — 20 years earlier a man killed his wife in there and let the body sit in front of the TV for a week before the authorities went to investigate their electric bill.

The house, it seems, has a way of finding out your deepest fear, then smacking you in the forehead with it. In this case, the wife getting tell-tale signs that she’s going to die in seven days. All the while, her writer husband is doing a second-rate Shining knock-off with mood swings so wild he could be a circus ride.

After noting her bent hubby’s excessive use of four-letter words, the freaked wife investigates the house’s f’d up past and discovers the place is built on a giant graveyard. (Yeah, like graveyards are believable.) Then her dead kid comes back to hit her up for allowance. Then her husband gives her a head butt (which was right up there with any finishing move you’d see in a WWE™ pay-per-view). Then mud ghosts come out of the marsh seeping into the basement. (That’ll happen when you leave the DOOR OPEN.)

Then you get bored because there’s too much talking and not enough bleeding. Cheese Whiz™ haunted house fare with a dorkball ending — the husband and wife write a best seller about their experiences. Amityville Horror (1979) — been there, done that. If you have seven days to live, don’t waste 90-minutes of it watching this photocopied ass jamboree.

Fear of Zombies, Ghosts, Haunted Houses and Refrigerators

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I think I saw the Babadook again in the bathroom at the Maha (a local bar I hang out in). Given that the men’s room is basically a portal to Hell, I’m pretty sure if it wasn’t the Babadook, it’s probably some sort of Pee Demon from the Seven Layers of Urine Splattered Purgatory.

While I complain to the management, here are some upcoming horror and/or sci-fi to help loosen your bladder…

FEAR OF THE WALKING DEAD SEASON 3 (June 3, 2017)
“The families will be brought together in the vibrant and violent ecotone of the U.S.-Mexico border. International lines done away with following the world’s end, the characters must attempt to rebuild not only society, but family as well.”

Abandoned this one right after season one. Was unable to get into the extremely obnoxious characters and situations. That sounds like an oxymoron given the bars I frequent. That, and bar zombies are far more scarier than the ones in FWD. So, will I pick it up again and give it another chance, or will I keep making pithy, low brow comments on it? I think we all know the answer here.

BLOOD DRIVE (June 14, 2017)
“Los Angeles in the near future: where water is as scarce as oil and climate change keeps the temperature at a cool 115 degrees in the shade. It’s a place where crime is so rampant that only the worst violence is punished and where Arthur Bailey — the city’s last good cop — runs afoul of the dirtiest and meanest underground car rally in the world, Blood Drive. The master of ceremonies is a vaudevillian nightmare, the drivers are homicidal deviants, and the cars run on human blood.”

Cars that run on blood has been done before with 2007’s Blood Car. The rest of this plot snacks liberally on 1975’s Death Race 2000 and GTA. So why should anyone watch Blood Drive? I’m thinkin’ for driving tips.

HUSH (2017/2018)
“Siblings Jackson and Angela run a profitable ghost-busting racket, swindling the bereaved with fake detection equipment and Angela’s paranormal ‘visions’. Hired by Mrs. Green to investigate a haunted old foster home, the team uncover its terrifying past: young girls brutally slaughtered, mouths stitched shut, silenced by a sadistic killer. And Angela’s on the edge — sleepless, strung out and losing her mind, no longer certain what’s actually real and convinced she hears the girls crying out to her from the darkness. But supernatural terrors are the least of their problems when they discover the very real evil lurking in the isolated house.”

Paranormal ghostbusters are fake? All of a sudden I’m feeling very stupid for the $1,000 I paid out to a ghost specialist to exorcise my refrigerator that keeps making noises in the night. Sure, it could be a failing cooling unit, but why take chances? Now that I think about it, I could have easily bought a new fridge and had enough change left over to buy some frozen hot dogs (or “ballpark franks”) for future eating purposes.

THE PREY (2017/2018)
“A platoon of U.S. Soldiers in the middle east become trapped in a cave and as they desperately try to find a way out they are hunted down by a deadly creature.”

Ooh, I hope the creature isn’t one of those nasty sand beavers. I hear those things are nasty.

THE HAUNTING ON LONG ISLAND: THE AMITYVILLE MURDERS (2018)
“On the night of November 13, 1974, Ronald DeFeo, Jr. took a high-powered rifle and murdered his entire family as they slept. At his trial, DeFeo claimed that “voices” in the house commanded him to kill. Thirteen months later, the Lutz family bought the house and stayed only 28 days before fleeing in terror. Their nightmarish ordeal shocked the world in The Amityville Horror. The Lutzes may have escaped from Amityville with their lives…but the DeFeo’s weren’t so lucky. This is their story.”

Unreal. YET ANOTHER Amityville movie. That makes seven in the last year alone and 20 altogether. Don’t believe me? Click HERE. People, It’s just a tragic real story milked to the bone by Hollywood. I, on the other hand, have a better haunted plot ready to go, written with plenty of angles for sequels. It begins with a possessed refrigerator…

Evil, Evil and More Evil

If I was be paid to watch horror and sci-fi movies, I’d be rich. Things I’d buy with my richness: solid gold couch with diamond occasional pillows, that invisibility blanket from the Harry Potter movies, and a bathroom overflowing with products for my hair. But until that time comes, here are five upcoming horror movies I won’t get paid to watch…

HAVENHURST (February, 2017 / limited)
“Havenhurst is a looming apartment complex in the heart of New York City’s historic Tudor City district. A beautifully maintained, turn-of-the-century building that houses over 3,000 residents and countless dark secrets. The rent is what you can afford and the rules are simple: live a good and decent life and you can stay forever. Break the rules and…”

Reminds me of the premise of the 666 Park Avenue TV series (September 30, 2012 to July 13, 2013). They’d never let me move into either of those places. I broke the “living a good and decent life” commandment shortly after exiting the womb.

AMITYVILLE: THE AWAKENING (June 30, 2017)
“An ambitious female television news intern, on the verge of breaking the most famous haunted house case in the world, leads a team of journalists, clergymen and paranormal researchers into an investigation of the bizarre events that will come to be known as The Amityville Horror, only to unwittingly open a door to the unreal that she may never be able to close.”

Alerted the masses about this one back in the good ol’ days of 2015. Since then they’ve moved the release date twice. That’s generally not a good sign. Neither is the tired set-up of paranormal researchers wandering around a haunted house without first wiping their feet. Wonder if this one will finally feature the return of Jody the floating demon pig (as represented by red glowing eyes and oinking) from The Amityville Horror (1979)? They really missed a golden marketing opportunity there: Amityville Thick-Cut Bacon™.

THE LOVE WITCH (March 10, 2017)
“Elaine, a beautiful young witch, is determined to find a man to love her. In her Gothic Victorian apartment she makes spells and potions, and then picks up men and seduces them. However, her spells work too well, leaving her with a string of hapless victims. When she finally meets the man of her dreams, her desperation to be loved will drive her to the brink of insanity and murder.”

Oh, Elaine — you don’t need Nivea™ spells and potions to sack a dude. Beer does the job just fine. And for post-speed dating clean-up, I recommend Bounty™ paper towels.

WHAT THE WATERS LEFT BEHIND (in production as of December 2016)
“Epecuén was one of the most important touristic villages of Argentina. Thousands of people are attracted by the healing properties of its thermal waters. On November 10, 1985, a huge volume of water broke the protecting embankment and the village was submerged under ten meters of salt water. Epecuén disappeared. Thirty years later, the waters receded and the ruins of Epecuén emerged exposing a bleak and deserted landscape. The residents never returned. A group of young people take a trip to the ruins in order to film a documentary about Epecuén. Ignoring the warnings, and after a brief tour, they get stranded in the abandoned village. Contrary to what they thought, they begin to realize that they are really not alone.”

The title brings to mind a trip to The Poggie Tavern men’s room. Now THERE’S some real horror. I remember what I was doing on November 10, 1985 when that village flooded. I was filling my above-ground Argentinian swimming pool and got distracted with a case of Berlina Foreign Stout™. By the time I remembered it, the darn pool overflowed all over the place. Time, unlike Epecuén, floats when you’re having fun.

ISLAND ZERO (2017)
“Inhabitants of a fishing island off the coast of Maine find themselves mysteriously cut off from the outside world after the ferry suddenly stops coming. All the phones have gone dead and every boat sent to the mainland fails to return. When dead bodies turn up along the water’s edge, the hardy band of survivors must find out who, or what, is killing them.”

A tantalizingly and cool premise. Apologies to the filmmakers for the above graphic. I didn’t have an official poster to use, so I totally stole this off your Facebook page. (I’ll replace it once the official version comes out. Feel free to put me in the special thanks section.)

Insane Haunted Santa UFOs

Serial killers…haunted houses…UFOs…insane asylums. It’s like a horror snack platter. Still not seeing anything involving robot cheerleader werewolves. And if any of you big time Hollywood film producers are interested, I have a script. Plug ’n play, man. Just sayin’.

SECRET SANTA (December 13, 2016)
“A group of eccentric college kids struggle to get through the hectic exam period. A liquor-filled Christmas party is planned to ease the stress. They plan to toast the end of the semester with a Secret Santa exchange. Little do they know, a killer is in town and has a special present for all the girls and boys. Will they dare to open their presents?”

Santa as a serial killer. There’s a horror plot device older than Christmas itself. And as for “eccentric” college kids, there’s a better descriptive word: obnoxious arrogant over-privileged jerk wads. Yep, that’s one word.

BEHIND THE WALLS (2017)
“Years it has waited, now someone’s moved in. Through the eyes of the evil within we witness a broken family desperately seeking a new beginning in a new home. But this house lives, watches and wants them to stay — FOREVER.”

Of course the house wants them to stay forever — rent’s gotta be paid. I question this evil house’s sincerity, though; for instance, in The Legend of Hell House (1973) and The Amityville Horror (1979), the malevolence therein keep telling their tenants to get out. Admittedly, not a good business model if you’re an evil landlord.

SAM WAS HERE (2017)
“California, Mojave Desert, 1998. A strange glow appears in the sky. Sam, a forty-something door-to-door salesman, travels through the few inhabited zones of the Californian desert in search of clients, yet everything seems deserted. When his car breaks down, Sam becomes a prisoner of the empty, hostile environment. Alone and without human contact for days on end, he listens continuously to a talk-show on the only local radio station. The host, a man named Eddy, takes calls from listeners who share their thoughts on a child killer at large in the area.”

I bet the strange glow in the sky is a UFO. Everybody knows UFOs glow. Outside of that, I wonder what Sam sells? That’d be cool if he sold hot air balloons that light up so you could see ‘em, say, over the desert at night.

ELOISE (January 5, 2017 (UK) / 2017 (US)
“Four friends break into an abandoned insane asylum in search of a death certificate which will grant one of them a large inheritance. However, finding it soon becomes the least of their worries in a place haunted by dark memories.”

Given how many abandoned insane asylums used in countless horror movies, you kinda wonder what made everybody leave? As they say in prison, three hots and a cot.

Expelling Evil With Diet Cola

Word up to your religious beliefs: the 1973 French made (French maid – heh) Expulsion of the Devil (aka, At the Meeting with Joyous Death or Au rendez-vous de la mort joyeuse) does NOT show the Devil. The movie implies Sophie, a morose 14 year-old daughter (part of the equation of mom, dad, younger brother), is possessed by said evil and is responsible for windows breaking on their own and furniture being tossed around as if hucked by professional wrestlers. But not cursing, bleeding or vomiting, all things Devil associated.

The above family lives in a French countryside Inn so huge, you could have your own personal wine cellar. (France folk drink wine like diet cola, hence the reference.) Without any build-up or warning, windows start breaking inward, leaving a carpet of sharp glass to playfully roll around on. Later, while attempting to drink some diet cola, the table, chairs and other chunks of furniture hurl chaotically (something I do after attempting to drink wine), crashing and breaking everything.

Then a friend comes over for dinner and some refreshing AND relaxing diet cola. The kitchen doesn’t like him and tries to crush him with the fridge and oven. Then it throws him out the only window left unbroken.

A friend of the family’s dad has a TV show that airs weird stuff like this. The family temporarily moves out and a small crew moves in to film all the weird stuff. Well hey — nothing’s happening…until Sophie returns.

Things that make no sense at all: A preacher showing up at night with seven very young girls, looking to crash for the night. Then a TV crew guy gets his hand burned by super hot diet cola. Then the head TV guy wakes up screaming, covered in some sort of lumpy brown stuff. (I don’t attend church, but I prayed that was just mud.) Then he crashes through the floor into a well so deep, you can’t even hear him splash/splat.

The only thing remotely considered evil is when Sophie takes off her shirt/smock in front of the mirror and the reflection doesn’t quite reflect everything she’s doing. With that out of the way, everybody abandons ship, leaving an suspiciously smiling Sophie to stare at the house. That’s it in an evil nutshell.

And while this sounds the the business model of 1979’s The Amityville Horror (or L’horreur d’Amityville), Expulsion of the Devil seems more like puberty gone amok than some satanic box social with self rearranging furniture, cursing, vomiting and diet cola.