Archive for seagulls

Smack-Talking Computers, Possessed Ubers, The Curse of Seagulls

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 30, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

HAL

Remember HAL 9000 (Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic), the sentient super computer with a human personality, in the groundbreaking sci-fi movie, 2001: A Space Odyssey (which ironically was done in 1968)? Now CASE (Cognitive Architecture for Space Exploration) is making a new HAL — which spells doom for all us astronauts (I’m almost done with my online courses, so yeah, I’m an astronaut, b*tches!)

Hal/Who

2001: A Space Odyssey, as you likely know, was infamously produced and directed by fake moon landing movie maker, Stanley Kubrick from an Arthur C. Clark short story, Sentinel of Eternity (1951). In 2001, HAL, the computer not only talks, but talks back, overrides human commands and secretly has a directive to investigate a radio signal sent from that mysterious, featureless Monolith. (The Who — lunar British rock band — symbolically peed on it for the cover of their rhythmic beats album, Who’s Next/1971. Disrespectful, but very rock). The crew of Discovery One should’ve waited to see what happened to the staff of the deep space Nostromo in Alien (1979). Ash (Hyperdyne Systems 120-A/2 android), their super computer in the clever guise of a stink human, pulled the exact same sh*t and look what happened there.

CASE

Pretty much everybody (except me) owns their own personal HAL, though they call it Alexa/Siri/Google. My dire warning to you is to not trust any of those convenient smart home devices and make sure you don’t involuntarily get locked out of your house/deep space vessel.

HAL

While you contemplate machines taking over the world, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not digitally sever your oxygen hose…

Beyond White Space

BEYOND WHITE SPACE (December 14, 2018)
“The captain of a deep-space vessel makes a daring decision to go after a rare and nearly extinct species. His obsession soon jeopardizes the mutinous crew when the gigantic and deadly creature attacks the ship.”

Sounds like Moby Dick in space. The trailer is pretty cool — there’s a mega big gigantic huge Godzilla-esque monster floating around, looking for spaceship flavored snacks. The deep-space vessel may as well put a Fritos™ logo on the side of their ship.

Supergrid

SUPERGRID (December 18, 2018)
“Two estranged brothers travel the notorious ‘Grid’ in their quest to collect and deliver a mysterious cargo. En route they must contend with road pirates, rebel gangs, and each other.”

The plot of traveling across the danger-enhanced apocalyptic wastelands steal from dozens of other same-plot movies/TV shows, but also the morning work commute. 

The Car: Road To Revenge

THE CAR: ROAD TO REVENGE (January 8, 2019)
“In a dilapidated cyberpunk city plagued by crime and corruption, an unscrupulous District Attorney is savagely murdered and tossed out of a building onto his brand new car. Mysteriously, the District Attorney and his car come back to life as a single being with a thirst for vengeance. The eerie driver-less car embarks on a vicious rampage exacting revenge on the criminals who murdered him.”

They’re calling this a “stylized sequel” to the 1977 movie called, The Car, wherein a possessed vehicle runs people down and parks on their faces. The lead character was James Brolin, who later went on to The Amityville Horror infamy. He seems nice.

Curse of the Blind Dead

CURSE OF THE BLIND DEAD (2019)
“In the Thirteen century, a group of Satan worshipers, the Knight Templars, is captured during a ritual and brutally murdered by the locals. Just before the execution, the Knights swear to return from their graves to haunt the village and the nearby forest. Centuries later, in a post-apocalyptic future, a man and his daughter try to survive against both the Undead Knights and a sect commanded by a mad preacher.”

Sound familiar? It should — it’s a continuation of the early Seventies Italian-filmed Blind Dead series (Tombs of the Blind Dead/1971, The Return of the Blind Dead/1973, The Ghost Galleon/1974, Night of the Seagulls/1975). Blind dead Templar Knights out for revenge are certainly scary. But man, don’t get in a dust up with seagulls — those things always know when you wash your car and will unleash their coordinated crap attacks on your just-cleaned hood and door handle. (How do they manage such accuracy? Geez.)

Finding Fantastic Beasts

Posted in Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them is a return to the universe of Harry Potter by creator/mega-billionaire J.K. Rowling. It started out a book in 2001, but because of Rowling’s history of turning anti-Christian sentiments into box office gold (good for her), it’s to be a movie as well, due out in November of 2016. Why they’re plugging it now (December, 2015 – 11 months before it comes out – obviously means they need time to license premium toy tie-ins. (One can never have too much money.)

Still, as cool as the concept seems, it feels like a half-baked crossover. Then again, I didn’t read the book as I gave up reading once TV was invented. And hey, if I wanna find a fantastic beast, all I have to do is look in a mirror. Heh.

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

But we’ve already seen a pile of mythical monsters in the Harry Potter movies – a giant three-headed dog that takes craps the size of giant spiders; Giant spiders that talk and eat human meatloaf; A parrot that bursts into flames like a defective bottle rocket; Centaurs that cover the forest floor with recycled apples; Bulimic werewolves with 3% body fat who binge and purge every full moon; Dragons (aka, flying BBQs); Bird/horse hybrids that chow down on raw ferret as if woodland sushi; Mail-carrying owls (delivering late as to emulate real postal service); Talking snakes (they pronounce “s’’’s really well); And 15-foot trolls with I.Qs around that of your average movie blogger. So what else could they possibly bring to the table?

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

Glad you asked. Here’s a few fantastic beast copyright worthy ideas: Ghost Monkeys – they fling zoo poo at you and then disappear, much to the delight of everyone not covered in you know what. Land Crabs that cause itching that can’t be stopped, even with generously applied pyrethrins and piperonyl butoxides. Sea Bats that look like seagulls – they steal your french fries and peck your neck. Giant turtles that shoot flames out their… Oh, wait – that one’s been done.

J.K. Rowling – please contact me for licensing rights. Bring your 10-ton checkbook.

This Horror Is For The Birds

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 21, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Birds

Bodega Bay in Northern California is a small seaside town. Until recently, all was Norman Rockwell life as usual as life could be living next to stinky low tides.

The Birds

A snubbed rich socialite shows up to chase – and possibly hook up with – a fashion catalog worthy handsome man. He thinks she’s a b*tch. She kinda is. But hey, she’s high tide hot, so my advice would be to play this one out.

The Birds

This encounter coincides with unusual attacks on the townsfolk by indigenous birds, which may or may not include flesh-eating pterodactyls. OK, maybe not. A metaphor on how women nag men, the pecking escalates into a full-blown war on all things human by countless seagulls, murders of crows, a duck, and I think a squadron or two of vultures. Time to cry fowl. Heh.

The Birds

Eyes get jabbed out by beaks of destruction. Children birthday parties get spoiled by air raids of gulls. Cars get covered with metric tons of bird sh*t. The socialite takes refuge at the handsome man’s house where he lives with his little sister and conservative mother, all of whom are beleaguered by the winged doom-bringers. Who would have thought mere stupid birds could bring so much beaked beat down?

The Birds

Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds (1963) is one of the all time greatest horror movies ever because the killer birds are real. No stunt feathers here. Amazingly, there is no soundtrack to this film either, so oboe warnings of impending attacks are nowhere to be heard.

The Birds

And the birds? They’re about to rearrange the pecking order of the entire Human Race. Heh.

Pirate Zombies

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 28, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie Pirates

Zombie pirates or, “pirate zombies,” are not exactly new to the horror genre. If what few remaining brain cells serve me correctly (and why wouldn’t they – I let them live), a recent example would be the cursed pirate zombies in the ba-jillion dollar Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. Then there was Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter’s Cove (2005), which featured a ghost pirate zombie. There were more, but like I said, limited brain cell resources.

So Zombie Pirates, releasing January 21, 2014, carries on in the fine tradition of swashbuckling, swording, stabbing and, presumably, a treasure chest full of flesh-eating.

Zombie Pirates

What to expect: “A dangerous young woman offers up human sacrifices to a ghost ship of the dead in return for an ancient treasure. When she comes up one sacrifice short, her zombie masters exact their bloody revenge in this gory tribute to Spain’s popular Blind Dead Euro Horror series.”

Night of the Seagulls

A little obscure reference, but the Blind Dead series is an excellent inspirational source, i.e., Tombs of the Blind Dead (1971), Return of the Blind Dead (1973), The Ghost Galleon (1974), Night of the Seagulls (1975). In fact, I pattern my own moral stance on seagulls.

So we’re promised a dangerous young woman, human sacrifice, a ghost ship that may or may not have proper running lights, taxable ancient treasure, zombie masters (i.e., Republicans) and gory bloody revenge, the best kind of all reprisals.

P.S. Seagulls rock.