Archive for drugs

Vampires, Drugs, Human Dogs

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 10, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Aaron's Blood

Growing up reading comic books (before they were called “graphic novels” and charging adult money for ’em), the superheroes ALWAYS went to great lengths to keep their secret identity secret. Not so on the lightweight but still entertaining TV shows The Flash, Arrow and Supergirl — there are dozens of people who know who they are in non-hero mode and what they do when they take their crime fighting uniforms off.

Each of these superheroes better hope I don’t move to one of their cities and go all loose lip after sipping a casual 10 Budweisers™. Then again, I have need for someone with meta-human skills, so maybe we could work something out. You scratch my cape, I’ll scratch yours.

That said, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not require 10 relaxing Budweisers™ to enjoy…

AARON’S BLOOD (June 2, 2017)
“Aaron copes with his new life as a single father and the distant relationship he shares with his only child Tate. A timid hemophiliac, Tate is roughed up at school by the chief bully causing a massive nosebleed that lands him in the hospital fighting for his life. He makes a miraculous recovery after a necessary blood transfusion, but Aaron begins to notice progressively strange behaviors in his son. Faced with the grim possibility that his son could be becoming a vampire, Aaron enlists the help of a local vampire hunter and embarks on a frantic search to find the source of the infection to stop the transformation before it’s too late.”

That’d suck up one side and down the other to get a nosebleed that pretty much drains your entire body of the good stuff. As for the tainted blood transfusion, becoming a vampire because of it should be the least of your worries; blood donors are well-known disease factories. I heartedly recommend drinking adult beverages to cleanse the blood supply. Like Clorox Wipes™ the alcohol content alone can kill off most pathogens, supernatural or otherwise.

The Bad Batch

THE BAD BATCH (June 23, 2017)
“Arlen is unceremoniously dumped in a Texas wasteland fenced off from civilized society. While trying to orient her unforgiving environment, she’s captured by a savage band of cannibals and quickly realizes she’ll have to fight her way through her new reality. As Arlen adjusts to life in ‘the bad batch’ she discovers that being good or bad mostly depends on who you’re standing next to.”

The Bad Batch has been described as “a savage dystopian cannibal fairy tale set in a Texas wasteland where society’s rejects are just trying to make ends meat.” That’s pretty dang gosh darn funny. I know — language. Sometimes I resort to gutter speak to get my point across. Apologies. Couple things — this is a semi-big budget movie with legit big names. Secondly, since when did cannibals become mainstream? What’s next — slashers working at the local butcher store? Sometimes I just don’t get this gosh danged (I know, swear jar) world we live in.

Woodshock

WOODSHOCK (2017)
“A woman falls deeper into paranoia after taking a deadly drug.”

So your red flags didn’t go up prior to the great idea of taking a deadly drug? You’ve got bigger problems than deep paranoia. P.S. Don’t do drugs.

Bitch

BITCH (2017)
“Jill, a lonely, distraught housewife with four unruly children, paces on her dining room table with a belt around her neck, contemplating a desperate end to her wretchedness. Her husband, Bill, focused on his identity as breadwinner and an affair with a lusty co-worker, is as oblivious to Jill’s growing terror that she will do something destructive as he is to the panic at his unraveling company. Meanwhile, dogs bark and howl through the night, as one persistent mutt continually stalks the family’s yard. When Jill’s psyche finally breaks, she takes on a vicious new canine persona.”

A woman mood swings herself into becoming a dog? Hold your Lassie jokes — this could actually be fun/funny. Really hoping she doesn’t get the urge to sniff butts and…I should probably stop talking.

Demon Clowns, Amphibious Monsters, Hippie Bongs

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 23, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Evil Bong: 666

Looking into Lotto™ strategies to become financially self-sustained so I can watch horror/sci-fi movies as my “day job” without ever having to put pants on to make a living. Any tips, lucky numbers or insider info would be much appreciated.

Here’s four upcoming new ones headed my/your way. Pants not required.

EVIL BONG: 666 (April 20, 2017)
“When a brutal blood sacrifice opens a portal to Hell, Eebee and The Gingerdead Man are returned to Earth. But his trip to Hell has driven Gingerdead even more insane, and unless someone can stop his murderous cookie-cuttin’ rampage he’s gonna ruin Eebee’s plans for world domination. In a last-minute fit of inspiration Eebee channels her inner Dr. Frankenstein and creates The Gingerweed Man! A tiny, cobbled together monster made from the greatest strains of weed on earth, this little killer is ready to get high with a little help from his friends!”

Not a fan of stoner horror because the only way to enjoy it is to be stoned. I prefer a nice carafe of Budweiser™ or a snifter of paint thinner hooch to augment my horror movie experiences. P.S. Don’t do drugs.

Clowntergeist

CLOWNTERGEIST (2017)
“Emma, a college student with a crippling fear of clowns, must come face to face with her worst fear when an evil spirit in the body of a clown is summoned, terrorizing the town she calls home. One by one Emma and her friends receive a balloon with the exact time and date of when it will appear to kill them written on it. After receiving her balloon, Emma realizes that she has two days left to live, and must fight against the clock to find a way to survive.”

Makes sense that a demon-possessed clown would use balloons to get his point across. Personally, I’d go with one of those cool, honking squeezy horns. That tends to get people’s attention, especially in restrooms. And they just sound so funny.

Cold Skin

COLD SKIN (2017)
“On the edge of the Antarctic Circle a ship approaches a desolate island far from all shipping lanes. On board is a young man, on his way to assume the post of weather observer, to live in solitude at the end of the earth. But on shore he finds no trace of the man whom he has been sent to replace, just a deranged castaway who has witnessed a horror he refuses to name. The young man will soon realize that with each night comes an army of humanoid killer amphibians.”

This one sounds cool. But it does beg the question of why humanoid killer amphibians would seek out a meager food source at the ends of the Earth when we have so many all-you-can-eat beach buffets around here. Just ask any shark — surfers are basically crunchy seals.

Demon Hole

DEMON HOLE (2017)
“A fracking crew drills on sacred Native American land unleashing an ancient demon. Six teens have to serve community service in the remote forest where the demon is lurking. They find themselves trapped in a realm of illusions with plenty of marijuana, an abandoned cabin, dark caves, endless woods, and temptation. There are only two ways out of these woods — succumb to the demon or die.”

Note to ancient demon: Please don’t let those fracking teens out of the woods. And if you need more, we’ll ship ‘em to you, no charge. Just like having an Amazon Prime™ account.

Skeptical About Ghosts

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Skeptic

Bryan Beckett is an attorney whose aunt just died and left him a four-story Victorian house loaded with lots of eBay™-able furnishings. The house also comes with a ghost. Therein lies the problem — Beckett is pragmatic to a fault, refusing to believe in the Loch Ness monster, the Roswell Incident, or spooks and/or spirits. He doesn’t even go to church because he thinks all that God stuff is just plain silly. Ironic how he keeps yelling out “Jesus Christ!” whenever the ghost comes around.

The Skeptic

Beckett moves into the house and hears audible whispers and door scratchings (probably a giant talking rat). He even sees reflections of a ghost woman in mirrors and crumpled up at the bottom of the stairs. These are goon out moments. He later learns the house was willed to a scientific institute that specializes in investigation of the paranormal.

The Skeptic

Having his inheritance yanked from underneath his disbeliefs, Beckett goes to the institute and discovers his aunt was a customer after hearing voices and scratchings herself. But the lab director deals in science fact, not fiction, and easily dismisses the experiences in what Beckett now believes to be a haunted house. And hey, factor in all the medication he’s been taking for chronic insomnia (and delicious wine left in the cellar), and you have a plausible explanation for the spookings. If only drugs and booze were that simple.

The Skeptic

As the paranormal events escalate, Beckett slowly discovers he’s been blocking something so horrifying, he’d pee his pants right now if it wouldn’t be embarrassing in front of the supernaturally pre-disposed chick from the institute. She moves in for a night to see if the place is actually haunted, or if Beckett’s dipstick isn’t quite touching the oil.  Strong dialogue propels the mystery even further, with the vomit-inducing truth coming to his mind’s surface.

The Skeptic

An above average ghost story, The Skeptic (2009), even with its lackluster ending (it needed less Casper/1995, and more Poltergeist/1982), has great reaction shots and enough scare moments to make that which was prone to puckering even more so.

Healthy Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 6, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Beware The Slender Man

Drugs and horror movies are similar in that they’re both addictive. But drugs taken out of moderation can wreck your life and/or face, whereas horror movies are nutritious and watching them makes you a better — and healthier — person. That should be a goal for 2017 — to become a horror movie addicted, better and healthier YOU.

I should be a life coach. I don’t know about you, but here’s how I plan on staying healthy this year…

BEWARE THE SLENDER MAN (January 23, 2017/HBO)
Slender Man is a fictitious, abnormally tall, faceless man with long arms who stalks and abducts children. In 2014, he inspired real-life horror as two 12-year-old girls in Wisconsin lured a friend into the woods and stabbed her 19 times in an effort to “appease” the fictional entity.”

2017 might very well be the year of Slender Man, with this and another movie slated for release before the spring. If he catches on you might see some cool cross marketing, like Slender Man Weight Loss programs, where you don’t just cut calories, you kill them. Heh.

The Girl With All The Gifts

THE GIRL WITH ALL THE GIFTS (January 26, 2017/DirecTV; February 24, 2017/VOD limited)
“The near future — humanity has been all but destroyed by a mutated fungal disease that eradicates free will and turns its victims into flesh-eating “hungries.” Only a small group of children seem immune to its effects.”

Pffft — the “mutated fungal disease that eradicates free will” has been around for years. It’s called “television.”

Personal Shopper

PERSONAL SHOPPER (March 10, 2017)
Kristen Stewart stars as a high-fashion personal shopper to the stars who is also a spiritual medium. Grieving the recent death of her twin brother, she haunts his home, determined to make contact with him.”

I wish I had a personal shopper/spiritual medium. It’d be neat to have someone go to the Piggly Wiggly Superstore™ and buy me some new britches and then divine whether or not people will like them. Could save a lot of emotional grief if you ask me.

Bedeviled

BEDEVILED (2017)
“Alice and her friends are teens like any other — social and tethered to their devices. When they download the latest Siri-like app offering quick solutions to life’s quotidian, the friends soon discover the app offers much more than directions and places to eat. So much more. The app probes the teens’ deepest fears, manifesting these fears in the real world in a diabolical quest to terrorize its unwitting users to death.”

Quotidian? Only a few days into the new year and that is easily the most pretentious word display in a horror movie press release for 2017. (Quotidian means “ordinary or everyday, especially when mundane,” which seems to apply to Bedeviled’s plot.)

Getting Low on High Zombies

Posted in Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 4, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Gravestoned

I get that Gravestoned’s (2009) “stoner-centric horror” is intended to be funny. But unless you’re baked, not only is the low-budget “movie” NOT humorous, it’s just plain stoopid.

Gravestoned

Two pot farmers cut off an arm of a cadaver to use a realistic prop in a low-budget horror movie. Life imitates art. The cadaver comes back to life and wants its arm back. (If the corpse was smart, it would’ve rented the arm to the filmmakers.)

Gravestoned

The pot humor needed to be way more Cheech & Chong and a lot less “but my mom thinks I’m funny.” And the bubble-headed cheerleaders, all of whom were born in a shopping mall, don’t look as though they’re acting.

Gravestoned

If I were the cadaver I wouldn’t find Gravestoned’s premise the least bit entertaining. If you want to become a zombie yourself, just watch this movie — it’ll make you brain dead in about 92 minutes.

Junkie Werewolf

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 6, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ginger Snaps II: Unleashed

In the first sequel to the awesome Ginger Snaps lycanthrope trilogy, Brigitte, the beleaguered younger teen sister of Ginger, has been infected with the blood of her werewolf sister. In order to keep from having to shave her legs every five minutes, she distills an injectable serum from wolfsbane to keep the wolf within at bay. Yep, a junkie werewolf.

Ginger Snaps II: Unleashed

Documenting her tracks she makes a cut somewhere on her lower person (slightly below the Fun Zone) to calculate how long it takes to heal — and determines if she’s wolfing up a lot faster than, say, yesterday. She is.

Ginger Snaps II: Unleashed

Thinking Brigitte’s a drug addict, the cops dump her off in a halfway hospital full of abuse and substance abuse chicks. The guidance counselor is a reformed addict so she thinks she has Brigitte figured out. She does not. Where most girls are content to get high off pot, pills, cocaine, goofers and glue sticks, Brigitte, the counselor believes, found a way to get high off wolfsbane.

Ginger Snaps II: Unleashed

A socially-misfit pre-teen girl named Ghost, whose grandma or mom or aunt is in the burn ward wrapped up like a mummy, wanders the halls, assisting and spying wherever she can. She reads werewolf comic books and suspects Brigitte to be one.

Ginger Snaps II: Unleashed

Finding a way to escape the hospital, Brigitte and Ghost go to the little girl’s house out in the woods. A temporary shelter at best because a werewolf is after them. It was after them in the hospital, too, but I forgot to mention it. They set traps for the beast, but during the course of the night Brigitte discovers she and the werewolf outside are not the only monsters running loose.

Ginger Snaps II: Unleashed

Things get really (OK, I’ll say it again) hairy when the guidance counselor tracks them down and has an ugly confrontation that does not end in sexy results. Brigitte, unable to control her transformation any longer, starts getting long in the tooth, if you catch my drift. There are lots of cool scenes worth mentioning, but the one that really resonates is a dozen girls self-diddling in a therapy class. I have GOT to enroll in that class next semester.

Ginger Snaps II: Unleashed

Ginger Snaps II: Unleashed (2004) never pees on a fire hydrant of predictability, nor will you be able to figure out Ghost’s jaw-dropping secret until the last scene. (No, she’s not a werewolf or a mini Bigfoot). Superb lesbian werewolf entertainment. What’s that — you haven’t heard of a lesbian werewolf movie before? We need to talk…

Space Cowboy

Posted in Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on July 2, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Outland

Io is the third moon of Saturn. I could’ve sworn it was the fourth. Io is the home of a mining colony whose employees are all drug addicts. As above, so below. Hooked on a super-amphetamine, it’s no problem to work overtime. And hey, if you feel like going for a space walk without your helmet, that’s your business. Clearly, the drug is harmful in that it makes you want to harm yourself.

Outland

Enter Sean Connery as a Federal District Marshall. But the leaders of the drug ring don’t want The Law messing with their profit margin, so they conspire to kill him using Union thugs. Yep, this is pretty much High Noon (1952) in space.

Outland

The first half of Outland (1981) is painfully slow, with Connery running around impressive industrial sets and arching his eyebrow. When the assassins come gunning for him, no one is wearing a cowboy helmet or space hat.

Even with drugs, the future is boring.