Archive for ancient evil

Wonderful Woman, Unpronounceable Ghost, Reverse-Santa

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 22, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wonder Woman 1984

Found this magnificent and suitable for holding up with one hand fan art of Wonder Woman 1984, her new movie which punches theaters right in the screen June 5, 2020. The illustration, done by the insanity talented Juan Carlos Ruiz Burgos, is just what we need to help pass the time until Wonder Woman enriches our lives once again.

Wonder Woman 1984

Not that you need it, but here’s the bare bones plot of WW84: “Wonder Woman squares off against the Cheetah, a villainess who possesses superhuman strength and agility.”

Wonder Woman

They had me at Wonder Woman. So while we impatiently count down the excruciating long days until the movie premiers, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not punch you in the screen…

Monstrum

MONSTRUM (available now)
Yoon Gyeom is a loyal subject of King Jung Jong of Joseon. He struggles to fight against a monster that threatens King Jung Jong’s life and a group of people trying to depose him.”

The movie’s key art brings me to the brink of soiling my britches. That giant monster seriously goons me out, and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because the Monstrum isn’t looking at Yoon, but rather in my general direction. I need a box of moist towelettes.

Kuntilanak

KUNTILANAK (available now)
“A group of kids agree to explore an abandoned house in order to win a reality show contest, which requires them to prove that the stories of the evil Kuntilanak are real. They soon discover that the ghost is very much real when it appears from an old mirror and starts haunting them.”

Be VERY CAREFUL of how you pronounce this movie title using your outdoor voice.

An Accidental Zombie (Named Ted)

AN ACCIDENTAL ZOMBIE (NAMED TED) (available now)
Ted knows he’s not a zombie. He just picked up a ‘skin thing’ on his vacay in The Caribbean. But his hilariously kooky family is not convinced, especially after he brings home a hot vampire he met in group therapy.”

Picked up a “skin thing”. Happens more often than not when you hang out in bowling alley bars. That’s where you’ll find hot vampires as well. (You can tell by they’re vampires just by their shoes and, possibly, bowling scores.)

Krampus: Origins

KRAMPUS ORIGINS (November 6, 2018)
“The first World War rages on when a group of American soldiers find a mysterious artifact that can summon the ancient evil of the Krampus. After the men are killed in action, the artifact is sent to the commanding officers widow who is a teacher at a small-town orphanage. The orphans accidentally summon the Krampus and the teacher, and her pupils are forced to battle this ancient evil.”

The Reverse-Santa returns to make unhappiness happen. Not to worried for the orphans, though; they’ve been living the life of ease, what with three hots and a cot. About time they earn their keep. And ancient evil can usually be dealt with just by jiggling the handle.

Zombie Cartoons, Undead Dinosaurs, All Purpose Evil

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 24, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Michael and Jason

From artist Joe Gallimore comes a wicked cool mash-up with Michael Myers from Halloween (1978) and the infamous Friday the 13th VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989) key art, which was actually banned back in the day by the New York City Tourism committee. (All Republicans, no doubt.)

While we still wait for the New York City Tourism committee to pull their heads out of their Port Authority, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not get banned…

Zombiology

ZOMBIOLOGY (available now)
“When a monster from a popular animated show appears and starts a zombie outbreak, it’s up to eccentric duo Lung and Chi-Yeung to stand up and fight the horde of the recently deceased, and save their friends from all around chaos!”

I wish more cartoon characters would come to life and cause chaos. Just think of what Scooby Doo could do to/on your lawn.

The Incantation

THE INCANTATION (available now)
“A young American girl has a chance of a lifetime to visit her ancestors castle in the south of France, only to find that her family is hiding deep, dark secrets about their nefarious past, far away from prying eyes.”

YET ANOTHER family with deep, dark secrets. Got me thinking about my own family and what secrets THEY might be hiding. Time to kick down the door of the ‘ol ancestral outhouse and see if there’s a nefarious stuff laying around.

The Jurassic Dead

THE JURASSIC DEAD (Summer, 2018)
“A unit of mercenaries must team up with a group of tech-geek students after American is struck with an EMP attack. Deep in the desert, they find the source of the terror, a mad scientist who has also just created a living dead T-Rex dinosaur, one who turns everyone it attacks into a zombie. Now they must scramble to stay alive and save the planet from the ultimate undead predator.”

Hate to whiz in your punchbowl, but there was a zombie dinosaur movie before this: Z-Rex: The Jurassic Dead (2016). Maybe they know each other or are cousins on their mother’s side. Or it could be a simple case of plagiarism. Best to consult the family paleontologist.

Tormented

TORMENTED (2018)
“A tragic car accident leads a family into a nightmare of supernatural terror as an ancient evil haunts their dreams.”

Supernatural terror and ancient evil go hand in hand, like peanut butter and Cheetos™. What, you’ve never tried peanut butter on Cheetos™? Like supernatural terror and ancient evil, they’re to die for.

Fearsome Phones, Possessed by Aliens, Demonic Kitties

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 4, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Morgan's Mutations

There are one billion kinds of smartphone cases out there, but not one of ‘em is as cool as the handcrafted ones made by freakishly talented artist Morgan Loebel. A dental technician by trade, Loebel hand-sculpts and paints one-of-a-kind horror smartphone cases made out of polymer clay. I don’t know what that is. But I do want one of his cases. (Disclaimer — I don’t own a smartphone, but would still like one of his super awesome cases I can show off in bars to act like a big shot.)

Morgan's Mutations

Calling his creations Morgan’s Mutations (catchy), Loebel has an Etsy site as well as a Facebook and Instagram page so you can keep up with his latest designs (He also does lightswitch plates and lighters.) And hey, he takes requests! Of course you need this. Click HERE and HERE and HERE to go about getting one. (Phone not included, dang it.)

Morgan's Mutations

While you’re waiting in line to get a Morgan’s Mutations original, here are a few horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not feature polymer clay…

Before We Vanish

BEFORE WE VANISH (available now)
“Three aliens travel to Earth on a mission in preparation for a mass invasion. Having taken possession of human bodies, the visitors rob their hosts of the very essence of their being, leaving psychological and spiritual devastation in their wake.”

Switch out the word “alien” with alcohol and you get the same results.

Scorched Earth

SCORCHED EARTH (available now)
“The planet suffered an environmental collapse. The air became dangerous to breathe, the water became toxic, and billions of people died. Generations later mankind has finally re-established a rudimentary society, in which bounty hunters roam the land in search of wanted eco-criminals. Bounty hunter Attica Gage has a chance at the bounty of a lifetime: bringing down the ruthless outlaw, Thomas Jackson. Gage infiltrates Jackson’s gang, and everything is going to plan until she meets a slave girl that reminds her of her dead sister. With her loyalty to only herself now tested, Gage learns that there might be more to life than just survival.”

Eco-criminals? Do they litter instead of rob banks? Do they drop a hot deuce and not use Glade™ afterward? Do they use old car tires in the fireplace to heat the house?  If so, I may be on the bounty hunters’ hit list.

Hell's Kitty

HELL’S KITTY (March 13, 2018)
“Nick, a Hollywood screenwriter, discovers his cat has become murderously possessed, and will stop at nothing to rid him of any women in his life. As his life unravels out of control, Nick must find a way to have his kitty exorcised of the demonic spirit haunting her and creating a body count.”

Odd — usually the owners of cats are the ones possessed. Still, I’ve never seen a pet being exorcised, so might have to buy a few tall boys and a bag of catnip and settle in for this one.

Beyond The Woods

BEYOND THE WOODS (2018)
“Seven friends meet up in the Irish countryside for a secluded weekend getaway but unfortunately for them a fiery sinkhole has opened up in the mountains nearby. It’s burning hot, spewing out sulfur and casting a hellish stench over the local area. Determined to make the most of the weekend, the group decide not to let the noxious atmosphere get to them…but it’s getting worse. Soon the troubling hallucinations begin as an ancient evil starts to take hold. What malevolent force has crawled from the sinkhole and will any of them survive the weekend?”

Sinkhole or stinkhole? I’m thinkin’ those people stumbled across an overflowing outhouse.

Alien Cats, Magic Boxes, Natural Disasters

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 11, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie Cats From Mars

Doing my taxes while watching horror movies. Kinda the same thing. And like my taxes, here’s some upcoming horror movies you won’t get a refund after watching…

ZOMBIE CATS FROM MARS (February 14, 2017/DVD)
“Billy is a fan of vintage science fiction action thrillers. His only friend is Cameron, a nerdy film buff who tries to boost his confidence whenever he can. After seeing a UFO land, Billy retreats into his head, imagining that aliens are taking over the town. Cameron is skeptical, as is the rest of the town. Meanwhile, people are starting to die. Meanwhile, the killings continue. Billy, wrapped up in a world of fiction, discovers a story in which Martian Cats land on Earth and inflict horror upon the town.”

Great. Alien cats using Earth as a litter box. Still, kitty cats flying around in UFOs — that’s kinda cute. But like all things feline, they soon wear out their welcome. My solution for Billy is to go get Fluffy, that giant, three-headed slobbering dog from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001) to go all Cujo on ‘em.

Don't Kill It

DON’T KILL IT (March 3, 2017/VOD)
“An ancient evil is unleashed in a small Alaskan town leaving a trail of death and destruction as it passes from host to host. The only hope of survival lies with a grizzled demon hunter who has faced this terror before. Together with a reluctant FBI agent he has to figure out how to destroy a demon with the ability to possess its killer.”

Sounds a LOT like The Hidden (1987), i.e.: “An alien parasite with the ability to possess human bodies goes on a violent crime spree in Los Angeles. A human cop, Detective Beckett, and an alien cop posing as a young FBI agent Gallagher both pursue the parasite who frequently changes his human hosts.”

The Hidden

All they did was change locations and say that the alien parasite is YET ANOTHER ancient evil whoozit. While I’m not an alien (that I know of) or born of ancient evil (maybe a little), it’d be cool to be able to switch bodies. Just think of how many restaurants you could dine ‘n dash. Sweet!

Wish Upon

WISH UPON (June 30, 2017)
“17 year-old Clare Shannon is bullied in high school, embarrassed by her manic, hoarder father Jonathan and ignored by her longtime crush. All that changes when her father comes home with an old music box whose inscription promises to grant its owner seven wishes. While Clare is initially skeptical of this magic box, she can’t help but be seduced by its dark powers, and is thrilled as her life radically improves with each wish.”

“Clare finally has the life she’s always wanted and everything seems perfect — until the people closest to her begin dying in violent and elaborate ways after each wish. Clare realizes that she must get rid of the box, but finds herself unable and unwilling to part with her new-and-improved life — leading her down a dark and dangerous path.”

If I had a magic box that granted me wishes but left people bereft of life as a consequence, would I continue to use it? Only until the wishes were used up. (Sorry people closest to me — that in-ground swimming pool ain’t gonna build itself.)

The Quake

THE QUAKE (August 2018/Norway)
“Inspired by a 1904 earthquake in Oslo. Rather than embracing the ‘disaster porn’ aesthetic of films like San Andreas (2015), Norway’s The Wave (2015) was wonderfully restrained; the effects took a back seat to the human emotion, making it one of the best disaster movies to come along in recent years.”

Not much else to say about the ground shaking like Godzilla’s busted washing machine. I do, however, have a kicker line ready for ‘em. (Please deposit bit coins into my account to use it): The Quake — It’ll Crack You Up. I should be a millionaire. P.S. Wonder if they’ll name the sequel, The Quisp. Heh.

Jinn and Tonic

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 27, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jinn

Jinn are mythological and supernatural engendered creatures who have free will. What they don’t have is pants. At least none we mortals can see. Jinn can be good, bad or last call drunk ass crazy, which makes me believe I have Jinn in my bloodline. (More likely GIN in my bloodstream. Ha!)

Anyway, the movie Jinn arrives March 10, 2015 on VOD and DVD on April 14, 2015. If you’re tired of rubbing the lamp, you can pre-order through Amazon.com. (Is that thing still around?)

Jinn

Here’s what you need to know about Jinn: “Shawn, an automotive designer, enjoys an idyllic life with his new wife Jasmine until it is interrupted a cryptic message, which warns of imminent danger and a curse that has afflicted his family for generations.”

“Having lost his parents as a child, Shawn doesn’t believe this unsettling revelation of his past….until strange things start to happen. Unable to explain the threats and fearing for his life, Shawn turns to Gabriel and Father Westhoff, a mysterious duo claiming to have answers.”

“With their help, and the aid of Ali, a shackled mental patient, Shawn discovers there is far more to this world than he ever imagined. These revelations set him on a collision course with the unknown, and he alone must find the strength protect his family and confront the ancient evil that is hunting them.”

Curse? Shackled mental patient? Ancient evil? Sounds like The Poggie Tavern, of which I am an open-to-close customer. OK, maybe not open-to-close. But enough to qualify as an employee.

Heavy Metal, Masked Wrestling and Horror Fun

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 4, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Deathgasm

Burned out on big money horror movies that almost kinda sorta maybe pay off? Not me, as I’m an easily entertained suckhead – whoooo!

But if you don’t fall into that category (my name’s at the top of the list), then you might wanna rev your engines for these new indies sliding down the horror tube: Deathgasm and El Gigante. Both have cool names, filmed on a budget that wouldn’t cover a Happy Meal™ and a lot of zing AND zest.

Here’s what you absolutely need to know right now…

Deathgasm: “Bruce and Denny are into ear shattering Death Metal, setting fire to things and avoiding personal hygiene products. Tired of getting rejected by girls and being bullied mercilessly, they set about trying to utilize black magic to reverse their fortunes. They stumble upon an ancient page of sheet music and attempt to play it in their garage band, they unwittingly summon an ancient evil entity known as The Blind One, who threatens to tear apart existence itself.”

Intriguing, especially the “avoiding personal hygiene products” part.

El Gigante

And from the brains that brought us The Evil Dead in 60 Seconds, comes El Giagante, a film short that combines Lucha Libre (Masked Mexican wrestling) with cannibalism. I smell a pay-per-view coming on: “After attempting to cross the US/Mexico border in search of a better life, Armando awakens in an unknown room, his body broken down and a Lucha Libre mask sewn into his neck. He attempts to escape, but is surrounded by a sadistic family, who watch him with hungry eyes. The only chance for Armando’s survival in this hellish nightmare is to survive a wrestling match against the most terrifying villain of all: GIGANTE!”

So there you go – two choices to get you out of your horror genre rut, a place I happily wallow in. Wallow is such a cool word.