Ma’am of Steel, Lycanthrope Life Coach, Clowning Around With Evil

Superman fans know Phyllis Coates as playing the first Lois Lane, a dogged investigative reporter for the Daily Planet. While her Superman run was short (she first showed up in 1951’s Superman and the Mole Men movie and 24 episodes of Adventures of Superman TV series, 1952 — 1958), her life was long. Born in 1927 and passing away in Woodland Hills, CA from natural causes on October 11, 2023, she lived to be 96 years old. Even people on Krypton don’t make it that long.

Superman fans also know that Phyllis stepped out after Season 1 and was replaced by Noel Neill, who was a constant pain in Superman’s cape, always in need of being rescued. Every episode as it turned out. While Phyllis had a highly prolific radio/movie and TV career (you almost can’t count all of her IMBD.com credits), she even showed up as Ellen Lane, Lois’ mom on ABC’s™ Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman in 1994. That’s pretty super, man.

So while we all go out and lift a Kryptonite margarita in tribute to Phyllis Coates, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not get reviewed in the Daily Planet…

AWARE OF THE WOLF / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

Terry is a life coach and motivational speaker for the meek and afraid, and his methods are very effective. But when his students start to become aware of the ‘wolf’ inside of them, their transformations take a dangerous turn.”

A werewolf life coach — or “plight attendant” — can help you identify strengths (ripping bodies into lasagna) and weaknesses (Milk-Bones™ biscuits) and overcome obstacles (angry villagers) holding you back. 

THE VEIL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“As a younger man decades earlier, Douglas made the decision not to help a young Amish woman when she pleaded for him to let her get in his car to escape someone. He drove away alone, and has spent time over the years wondering what happened to her. In the present, an Amish woman named Hannah comes to his home seeking assistance, and he attempts to make up for his past decision by aiding her. Circumstances become mysterious, though, and an aurora-producing solar storm adds to the gravity of the situation.”

When doesn’t an aurora-producing solar storm add gravity to situations? Can’t tell you how many time those f’n things have kept me from getting to the Tug Tavern. And getting home from the Tug Tavern as well.

OUIJA CLOWN / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When two 12-year-old girls film a YouTube™ video at home, they unwittingly invite an evil presence into their lives.”

And that evil presence is YouTube™. Or two 12-year-old girls

THE WALKING DEAD: THE ONES WHO LIVE / February 2024 (AMC™)

“Rick and Michonne are thrown into another world, built on a war against the dead…and ultimately, a war against the living. Can they find each other and who they were in a place and situation unlike any they’ve ever known before? Are they enemies? Lovers? Without each other, are they even alive — or will they find that they, too, are the Walking Dead?”

I’m one of the die-hard Walking Dead fans and recently bought The Walking Dead: Dead City and Daryl Dixon series, even though the zombies are basically just doing cameos these days.

Superhuman, Super Lame, Superman’s Grandpa

Keeping a watchful eyeball on X-Men: The New Mutants movie slated for 2018. Don’t know why I thought this was gonna be a TV series. Wishful thinking. (Maybe getting it mixing bowl’d with The Gifted, another Marvel/X-Men spin-off.) From the press release: “Styled in some places (although not officially) as X-Men: The New Mutants, the film will be based on the longstanding spin-off comic dealing with Professor X’s younger class of superhumans.”

No doubt it will star a bunch of “superheroes” with inhumanly perfect white teeth, perfect complexions and perfect chiseled abs that look like perfectly aligned pie dough rollers.

Speaking perfect, here’s some upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be pie-rollers…

ARMED RESPONSE (August 4, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“The compound, known professionally as a Temple, is an artificial intelligence powered facility designed for interrogating high level prisoners. Upon entering the Temple, the soldiers quickly find the earlier team horrifically slaughtered but no evidence as to who is responsible. Almost immediately, the crew (led by Wesley Snipes) begins to experience strange and horrific supernatural phenomena as they attempt to uncover who killed the previous team. Soon enough, they find a lone survivor, a dangerous terrorist who may hold the key to who killed the soldiers.”

Sounds almost exactly like The Predator (1987.)

Just when you thought Wesley Snipes’ movie titles could get any worse. (Looking in your direction The Marksman (2005), The Detonator (2006), The Contractor (2007). As in 99% of WS movies, you can expect a lot of guns, endless shooting/bullets and more importantly, gun posing. Mind you, Mr. Snipes is an exceptionally fine American talent (looking in your direction, The Fan/1996). But he’s far more talented than the movies he stars in (I’m looking in your direction, Gallow Walkers /2012.)

68 KILL (August 25, 2017)
“A hard-working man’s inability to say no to beautiful women gets him in trouble when he agrees to steal $68,000.

Bloody-Disgusting.com is calling 68 Kill, “bloody, hilarious Southern Gothic madness.” As for the “can’t say no to women” guy — dude, I get it. But stealing is a criminal act, whether said beautiful woman physically rewards such unlawful behavior or not. And no, butt hickeys are not rewards. Okay, sometimes they are. But a crime is a crime.

6.66PM (2017/2018)
“A team of television ghost hunters gets more than they bargained for. The house, they are pretending is haunted, turns out to be occupied by the evil spirit of an insane serial killer. Their scripted reality show goes hilariously haywire as the demon fights to take possession of their bodies. But can they make it out alive? Only time will tell in this silly case of spooky shenanigans where the body count keeps rising and so do the undead.”

Better title than 7:06PM. I tried setting my kitchen clock to 6:66PM, but every time I look at it, it says 7:06PM. I wonder if it’s possessed or if I’m that dumb? Possessed clock, no doubt. Still keeping it. The above sounds like a horror comedy, a genre that should not exist. Then again, without it, we would haven’t have gems as The Ghost And Mr. Chicken/1966 (a cinematic horror comedy landmark/benchmark) and Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)/2011, a movie so anti-good, how could it not be a comedy?)

KRYPTON (TV series/2018)
“Krypton will follow Superman’s grandfather — whose House of El was ostracized and shamed — as he fights to redeem his family’s honor and save his beloved world from chaos.”

Love how TV is embracing comic book history and actually doing a bit of re-imagining to make it palatable to people who don’t know the fundamental and cool difference between an actual comic book whose printed low-grade pages were more like recycled toilet paper than that of the digital “graphic novels” of today. There’s something intrinsically wrong about implementing a morning constitutional while swiping, which ironically, is something you should be doing afterward.

The humorous intent of this blog is dedicated to Andrea Nelson, a long time friend who left us far too soon, but nevertheless has kept a smile on my face over countless jokes over countless years. Miss you dearly, you adorable nut bag.

Werewolves, Shadow People, Aquaman, Hippies

Pretty sure my mailman is a werewolf. I have no other proof other than I never see him at night, full moon or not. And his eyebrows seem a bit bushier than the acceptable norm. I should order silverware from Amazon.com™ and see if he’ll deliver it. My hunch is that it’ll goon him out.

Until I get the proof I need — AND I WILL — here’s some upcoming new horror/sci-fi movies to goon out over…

THE WATCHER (April 18, 2017)
“Unaware of its terrible history, a young couple purchases their dream home. But it soon becomes clear that they may not be alone in the house. And that someone — or something — is determined to drive them out.”

It’s Hippies. Hippies want them out so they can squat there rent-free and play their Grateful Dead records way too loud, pound on bongos for three days non-stop and stink up the joint because hippies are afraid of bathtubs. Easy way to get rid of hippies — introduce them to the glory of the washcloth.

BE AFRAID (June 1, 2017)
“Not long after John Chambers and his family arrive at their new home in a small country town of Pennsylvania, John begins to experience sleep paralysis. Lying there paralyzed, trapped within his own nightmare, other-worldly beings visit John. They are entities which exist in the darkest shadows of the night and can only be seen out of the corner of one’s eye. These encounters begin to haunt John, transforming to complete terror as he discovers the entities’ sole purpose…the abduction of his seven year old son. In the end, John will uncover the town’s horrific secret, a portal on his land, and make one last attempt to save his son before the shadow people permanently take him away to their world.”

You don’t have to be a shadow person to have some fun with people who suffer from sleep paralysis. All you need is a magic marker, duct tape and a camera. Ask anyone whose ever came down with beer paralysis at a keggar.

CAMERA OBSCURA (June 9, 2017)
“A veteran war photographer with PTSD sees imminent deaths in his developed photos, questioning his already fragile sanity and putting the lives of those he loves in danger.”

This borrows heavily from a 1999 episode of The X-Files. It was called “Tithonus” and it had a guy who knew when you were about to die and took your picture at the point of death. That was back before smart phones with cameras built in, so he had to go home and develop the pics. Today you can snap “death selfies” and see the results instantly. Technology is pretty neat. P.S. Don’t hire this guy to photograph your wedding.

AMERICAN SATAN (Summer, 2017)
“A group of young men hailing from the U.S. and England drop out of college and move to Hollywood’s infamous Sunset Strip to pursue their dreams of becoming a rock & roll sensation.”

Where’s the satan part? Is he one of the band members? If so, does he play guitar? And what kind of guitar is it? I bet it’s loud as…HELL. Heh.

JUSTICE LEAGUE (November 11, 2017)
Yep, already wrote about this one, but this is a new poster. I have two questions — where’s Superman? Yeah, he croaked in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016), but just lay his Kryptonian corpse out in the sun for a while and he’ll be good as new. Not his costume, though. Big hole in the chest area. Not sure how you’d sew that up. Secondly, how can you tell if Aquaman wets his pants? I guess only clams know.

Bigfoot Is The Something In The Woods

Have you ever seen a Bigfoot? If so, did you offer yourself as a blood sacrifice that resulted in your death? Do you have fur growing where there was no fur before? More importantly, have you ever been to Ohio?

If you’ve answered yes to one or more of the questions, then you’re just the person to see Something In The Woods, a new Sasquatch horror movie, making its premier in Ohio on May 15th at Salt Fork Lodge & Conference Center, which hosts the biggest Bigfoot conference in the world. (Note to self: Move to Ohio.)

Something In The Woods has this to say about that: “Strange and scary things happen at small family farm. but for John Hartman there is only one thing to do – stand his ground against something that the rest of the world says doesn’t exist – until he realizes that nothing is more important than the safety of his family.”

Small Farm John is doing the right thing by protecting his fam fam. But in the trailer, John is shown brandishing a weapon as a mode of defense. When will humans learn? Bullets bounce off Bigfoot as though he was from Krypton. Best to just hand over some berries, maybe a breakfast pig and whatever cash you have on hand, and just walk away. If you value your life.