Archive for The X-Files

Heavy Metal Godzilla, Partying With Bigfoot, Zumba Your Demons

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 21, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla

For those breathing toxic air in Japan (last time there, I came down with itai-itai, or “ouch-ouch”) who’ve seen Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters (2017), the happy slobber-inducing feature-length anime, two things your life depends on knowing.

First, they changed the title from Godzilla: Monster Planet (thereby embarrassing my cheeks red for reporting it as such).

Secondly, a sequel has already been green-lighted/green-lit and already put into production, called Kessen Kidou Zoushoku Toshi (May, 2018). This abstractly doesn’t translate to Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla Monster Planet. (G’Zilla may not be actually versusing Mechagodzilla, but why else would Mecha-G be there, to direct traffic?)

MechagodzillaThey better not change the title on me or I will become so fukōna sawagi.

The sequel premiers in Japan movie theaters in May of 2018, so it’ll be some wait later it gets shown here on the telly. Until that time and space arrives, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that better have the correct titles…

Exorcism of the 7th Demon

EXORCISM OF THE 7TH DEMON (available now)
“After a possession led to his daughter’s suicide, Michael has made it his mission to save others from the same fate. Struggling with faith and purpose, he takes on Satan’s army and the demons that seek his demise.”

Didn’t see the first six exorcisms (aka, not drinking for almost a week). Sobriety, like a demon, is evil, man.

Where Birds Don't Fly

WHERE BIRDS DON’T FLY (available now)
“A serial killer leaves a trail of brutality in San Bernardino, California and it is up to a team of hardened detectives to try and catch him before more innocent lives are taken.”

I think this came out on DVD (a shiny flat 8-track) earlier this year, but available now on VOD (invisible 8-track; can’t tell if its shiny). So EVEN MORE movies about serial killers — like we don’t have enough in back stock in real life.

Inoperable

INOPERABLE (December 1, 2017/limited theatrical run)
“A young woman wakes up in a seemingly evacuated hospital with a hurricane approaching. She realizes the storm has awakened malevolent forces, trapping her in a time loop. She must escape the hospital before the storm passes or she will be trapped in its halls forever.”

Sounds like Groundhog Day (1993) with the possibility of more blood gunk. These time loop themes are pretty fun. Look to The X-Files’ “Monday” (1999) for an excellent example. Then try Run Lola, Run (1998), Triangle (2009), Haunter (2013), and the under-rated Edge of Tomorrow (2014). Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom. (I keep getting this odd feeling I’ve done that before.)

Cherokee Creek

CHEROKEE CREEK (2017/2018)
“A bachelor party in the woods gets crashed by the ultimate party animal.”

Calling Bigfoot a “party animal” is pretty dang funny. Not sure why a bunch of dudes are having a bachelor party in the woods. Seems like Las Vegas or The Poggie Tavern might be better choices, what with their relaxed rules on soiling oneself in public due to an overdose of alcohol fun. But hey, If I had the choice, I’d party in the woods as well, what with the possibility of getting drunk with Bigfoot. That’d be pretty sweet.

Earthly Extraterrestrials, Space Squatters, Tasty People

Posted in Aliens, Fantasy, Ghosts, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 15, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The X Files

There were those among us who meh’d the return of The X-Files in 2016, even in the limited (or “truncated”) form of six episodes. I liked it enough to watch it all in one night. Hey, I wanted to believe.

The X Files

Happiness to look forward to, the 11th season kicks off the new year in January, 2018. From the press release: “The 11th season follows newly re-instated FBI agents Fox Mulder (David Duchovny) and Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson). The season’s storyline will pick up directly after last season’s finale and the search for Mulder and Scully’s son William will be a main story arc for the season.”

The X Files

An FBI rug rat. I kinda suspected Fox and Scully went the distance after that bit ‘o extended smooching in the 1999 episode “Millennium” (which also featured zombies — real ones, not those fake ones running around, gnawing on Hollywood body parts). Couldn’t tell if any spit was swapped or tongues painting each other. But no doubt the chemistry for a little bedspring symphony was clearly established.

While you/me/we/us/them/those/they begrudgingly wait for The X-Files to fulfill your fondest hopes and dreams, here are a few upcoming and just-released horror and sci-fi movies that’ll may or may not make your bedsprings squeak with joy…

The Last Scout

THE LAST SCOUT (available now)
“After the Earth is destroyed by war, a scout team of astronauts searches the universe for an inhabitable place to save the human race.”

Um, was this not the initial premise for Pandorum (2009) before all the space cannibals started running the restaurant? All fine and dandy to search the universe for a new party pad. But what if someone has to pee? It’s not like there’s a space tree to pull up next to in order for one to “spread the word” that Earthers are in the ’hood.

The Void: Vol. II

THE VOID VOL. II (available now)
The Void Vol II is a multi volume anthology series featuring some of the best award winning short films from the horror, suspense, thriller, sci-fi and fantasy genres, Including: Disobedience, Savage Ivy, Somebody to Love, A Rats Dilemma, 314 and April.”

Looks like they covered all bases except acid jazz. That stuff is horrifying.

Book of Choices

BOOK OF CHOICES (available now)
“Carl has made a mess of his life with his selfish, misguided choices. Retreating from his problems, he buries himself in an anthology of short stories, each one with a protagonist who has made a choice and must live with its consequences. Now Carl must let the moral of each story guide him in his own decisions before he runs out of time to salvage what’s left of his own life.”

Sounds like A Christmas Carol (1938 version), but without all the bah-humbugging and subsequent hugging. (Those ghosts could’ve really f’d ’ol Scrooge in the b-hole, but they just didn’t.) Advice to Carl — Keep on keepin’ on.

K-Shop

K-SHOP (December 12, 2017/DVD)
“After his father is killed in an altercation with drunken thugs, Salah’s world is plunged into darkness. Forced into running the family kebab shop alone, Salah struggles to manage the increasingly rowdy nightlife. When a fight with an angry customer goes fatally wrong, he finds himself with a dead body on his hands. Having no faith in the authorities, Salah disposes of the body in the one place he knows best: the kebabs. As the shop’s gullible customers devour the new recipe, Salah develops a taste for the kill and seizes the opportunity to turn vigilante, seeking vengeance for the abusive drunkards plaguing the streets.”

Human kebab meat. Do you dip in ketchup, table mustard (the real kind, not that overpriced “stone ground” goopy crap), or just make a sandwich out of it with lots and lots and lots of mayonnaise? For a spicier twist on this old country fav, you might try a little dab of Hershey’s People Picante. That’ll put some zing in your swing.

Italian Reanimator, Repeatable Stabbing, El Rey TV

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Happy Death Day

Just discovered the Robert Rodriquez El Rey™ TV channel is no longer available through Sling TV™. Thinkin’ this isn’t a big loss as El Rey has been subjecting us to increasingly lazy programming and is nowhere near the grindhouse/bullets & brawlers/cult horror channel it promised to be. Example: El Rey keeps falling back on endless re-runs (with endless commercials) of bland stuff like V, Miami Vice, Air Wolf and Night Rider to be the channel’s meatloaf filler. And their Creature Feature Fridays? Intentional b-grade fare — like we all haven’t seen Gremlins (1984).

Best to stream channels like Shudder, Midnight Pulp and/or FrightPix (warning — LOTS of commercials that lock up on you) for your horror/sci-fi/grindhouse needs.

Speaking of which, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi you may or may not need. (Who are we kidding — we need horror all the time to escape from the horrors of reality.)

HAPPY DEATH DAY (October 13, 2017)
“A college student who relives the day of her murder with both its unexceptional details and terrifying end until she discovers her killer’s identity.”

Yeah, you’re probably thinking the horror version of 1993’s Groundhog’s Day (but with less stink gophers). But it sounds more like “Monday,” that riveting The X-Files episode (1999) in which a girl has to relive her loser boyfriend’s bank robbery attempt, ending in ka-BOOM! over and over. (Note to money selfie: Do NOT go into banks frequented by criminals dressed in dynamite, however stylish of the times.)

Herbert West: Reanimator

HERBERT WEST: REANIMATOR (2017)
“West is destroyed by a huge loss and he wants to defeat death in order to have his beloved ones back. It’s just a different perspective but with the same result: lots of experiments with lost of failures and lots of reanimated and very aggressive corpses.”

Like Cheetos™/pork rinds in the cupboard, a few points of interest: First, this is the Italian take on Re-Animator, which came out over three decades ago. Secondly — and this is from the director: “Herbert West: Reanimator is a modular project. We start with a web series, them we’ll have a TV series and at the end of the journey we’ll have a feature film.” You had me at Cheetos™.

Desolation

DESOLATION (2017)
“A mother takes her son and her best friend on a trip into remote wilderness to scatter his father’s ashes; they must confront their fears when a lone hiker begins following them.”

So a lone hiker is shadowing mom and company while they go to kick dad in the ash hole? The filmmakers might be intentionally trying to mislead us; what if the lone hiker is merely a park ranger with a dust pan? I’ve said it before — a clean forest is a happy forest.

Who’s Watching Oliver?

WHO’S WATCHING OLIVER (2017/2018)
“A mentally unstable loner is lost in a life forced upon him. By night Oliver aimlessly wanders the streets and bars on what can only be described as a truly shocking and humiliating killing spree. His only savior and possible way out of a life he is desperate to escape comes in the form of the beautiful Sophia with her sweet eccentricity and naivety to the danger she has put herself in.”

Not sure how this is even a movie. Doesn’t this stuff happen in real life all the time? Why pay to see it — just hang out with mentally unstable loners in dive bars and dark streets. I’ll meet you there.

Death Notes, Punk Rock, Bigfoot, The X-Files

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Bigfoot, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Beach Massacre at Kill Devil Hills

YouTube™ is such a glorious wasteland of video treasures. Why, if it weren’t for YT, I’d have never known about all those alien bases and artifacts on the Moon. And all those haunted house “documentaries”? Yep, full of real ghosts that you can talk to.

Don’t get me started on all the Bigfoot videos, though. I love seeing my favorite furry friend on TV (I don’t go into the woods — too many icky bugs live there), but people, you need to give him a break. The poor guy can’t even scratch his swimsuit area and smelling his fingers without someone filming it and uploading the footage for the entire world to see. Embarrassing doesn’t begin to decribe the blatant invasion of privacy.

Speaking of things that should or shouldn’t be seen, here’s some upcoming horror vids to full your tube with…

BEACH MASSACRE AT KILL DEVIL HILLS (2017/summer)
“When Stacy’s abusive ex-husband Jason gets out of prison, she decides to take their daughter Lizzie and her four best friends to her parents beach house. Soon their peaceful plans turn into a nightmare. Who will survive the night?”

Extremely clunky title. How dare they do this to me/you/us/they? And Lizzie has four best friends? Probably not for long by the looks of the movie’s ad poster.

The Rangers

THE RANGER (2017/2018)
“A group of teen punks who get in trouble with the cops. The punks escape to the woods to hide out where they come up against the local authority, an unhinged park ranger with an axe to grind, hell-bent on preserving the serenity of his forest.”

Punk rockers in the woods? Dumb maneuver — if they would’ve gone to the mall, they’d blend in and basically become invisible. Who knew Hot Topics™ could be good for something other than dressing teens in over-priced Goth crap?

Death Note: Light Up The New World

DEATH NOTE: LIGHT UP THE NEW WORLD (2017)
“Set ten years after the events of the previous films, society is afflicted with cyber-terrorism and six different Death Notes have fallen to the human world. In the midst of this two new individuals inherit the DNA of Light Yagami and L, both of who play a deadly game of cat-and-mouse once again.”

This actually came out in Japan in October of 2016, but we’re still waiting for it to knock on our video doors. Maybe it already has. I’ve been busy and didn’t really double-check. I’ve seen the first Death Note (2006) movie; Pretty wild stuff. It revolves around a book that, when someone scribbles a name in it, that person becomes scribbled…to death. While it plays more like a crime mystery, there’s a really freaky punk glam creature that only the holder of the Death Note book can see, who floats around you while you’re trying to grocery shop and/or planning on who to scribble next.

The X-Files

THE X-FILES (2018)
Agents Muldar and Scully are back for another season (#11) — 10 episodes instead of the six we got last year, which had to cram in way too much stuff to catch everybody up to speed, thereby making that season a hot mess. Still, I’m a huge X-Files fan and am giddy at the thought of another season. I hope they add more flying saucers — those things are cool.

Werewolves, Shadow People, Aquaman, Hippies

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Watcher

Pretty sure my mailman is a werewolf. I have no other proof other than I never see him at night, full moon or not. And his eyebrows seem a bit bushier than the acceptable norm. I should order silverware from Amazon.com™ and see if he’ll deliver it. My hunch is that it’ll goon him out.

Until I get the proof I need — AND I WILL — here’s some upcoming new horror/sci-fi movies to goon out over…

THE WATCHER (April 18, 2017)
“Unaware of its terrible history, a young couple purchases their dream home. But it soon becomes clear that they may not be alone in the house. And that someone — or something — is determined to drive them out.”

It’s Hippies. Hippies want them out so they can squat there rent-free and play their Grateful Dead records way too loud, pound on bongos for three days non-stop and stink up the joint because hippies are afraid of bathtubs. Easy way to get rid of hippies — introduce them to the glory of the washcloth.

Be Afraid

BE AFRAID (June 1, 2017)
“Not long after John Chambers and his family arrive at their new home in a small country town of Pennsylvania, John begins to experience sleep paralysis. Lying there paralyzed, trapped within his own nightmare, other-worldly beings visit John. They are entities which exist in the darkest shadows of the night and can only be seen out of the corner of one’s eye. These encounters begin to haunt John, transforming to complete terror as he discovers the entities’ sole purpose…the abduction of his seven year old son. In the end, John will uncover the town’s horrific secret, a portal on his land, and make one last attempt to save his son before the shadow people permanently take him away to their world.”

You don’t have to be a shadow person to have some fun with people who suffer from sleep paralysis. All you need is a magic marker, duct tape and a camera. Ask anyone whose ever came down with beer paralysis at a keggar.

Camera Obscura

CAMERA OBSCURA (June 9, 2017)
“A veteran war photographer with PTSD sees imminent deaths in his developed photos, questioning his already fragile sanity and putting the lives of those he loves in danger.”

This borrows heavily from a 1999 episode of The X-Files. It was called “Tithonus” and it had a guy who knew when you were about to die and took your picture at the point of death. That was back before smart phones with cameras built in, so he had to go home and develop the pics. Today you can snap “death selfies” and see the results instantly. Technology is pretty neat. P.S. Don’t hire this guy to photograph your wedding.

American Satan

AMERICAN SATAN (Summer, 2017)
“A group of young men hailing from the U.S. and England drop out of college and move to Hollywood’s infamous Sunset Strip to pursue their dreams of becoming a rock & roll sensation.”

Where’s the satan part? Is he one of the band members? If so, does he play guitar? And what kind of guitar is it? I bet it’s loud as…HELL. Heh.

Justic League

JUSTICE LEAGUE (November 11, 2017)
Yep, already wrote about this one, but this is a new poster. I have two questions — where’s Superman? Yeah, he croaked in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016), but just lay his Kryptonian corpse out in the sun for a while and he’ll be good as new. Not his costume, though. Big hole in the chest area. Not sure how you’d sew that up. Secondly, how can you tell if Aquaman wets his pants? I guess only clams know.

Dogged by Man-Dog

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mongrel

Jerry is having nightmares, which is like a tummy ache in your head. He keeps dreaming that he’s a rabid man-dog, chewing up his fellow temp tenants of the slummy boarding house. Then he wakes up, only to find a few baorders have chewed up like postman-flavored Milk Bones™.

Mongrel

The nightmares began after he sees one of the tenants teasing the landlord’s dog, Sir Barks-a-Lot. (Actually, that’s not really the pup’s name, but it fits as he won’t quit yapping.)  The dog breaks loose and goes for the pot roast that is the guy’s neck. The dog is shot for not finishing his dinner. This clearly upsets Jerry, thus the traumares (trauma nightmares).

Mongrel

There’s a cute gal who leads him on, yet won’t fill his dog dish with some lovin’, if you catch my drift. There’s also a couple of bully asshooks who accidentally kill one of the boarders during a joke gone bad. So much for Ken’s ‘80s blow-dried hair, mid-western affable good looks and J.C. Pennys’ briefs. (He was electrocuted after being shocked awake, knocked over a discount lamp, which landed in a puddle of water from a shattered vase. I guess those flowers might’ve been used for his funeral, except everyone decides to cover up the killing and buries him without ceremony. So much for tradition. And this goons out  Jerry even more.

Mongrel

In dude-dog form, Jerry growls like an empty stomach and goes on a biting spree. Before he can make dinner out of the cute gal that won’t put it on the floor for him (to be fair, she did give him a back rub earlier, sending signals that there was an open road to romance ahead), the cranky, rifle-toting landlord shows up and has an Old Yeller moment with Jerry.

Mongrel

Mongrel (1982) is so bad and low-budget, the actors — starring Mitch Pileggi (The X-Files’ Agent Skinner) in his movie debut — probably paid the director to be in it. Thought this one was gonna be a werewolf movie, but it was not. Watching it ended up being the first time a dog put a human to sleep.

The Future of The X-Files

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 7, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The X Files

As a slobbering devout fan of The X-Files television series, which ran from 1993 to 2002 – and two movies: The X-Files: Fight The Future/1998 and The X-Files: I Want To Believe/2008 –  by the end I was still left with a few unanswered questions, one of which was whether or not Agent Dana Scully is single/available or secretly seeing/doing Agent Muldar, her long-time FBI partner, on the side. (It’s never been stated out loud to my satisfaction.)

Fight The Future / I Want To Believe

Got another shot at closure with the return of the series for one season in January 2016, reuniting key X-Files stars, minus the Lone Gunmen, all three of whom died in episode 15 of the ninth season, titled “Jump The Shark.” (That term is defined as a point in a television series, at which far-fetched events are included merely for the sake of novelty, indicative of a decline in quality.)

Jump The Shark

It’s also a famous reference to a 1977 Happy Days episode where Fonzi, on water skies and wearing a motorcycle jacket, ski jumps over a holding pen that has a leather-eating shark in it. Say what you will, but I was on the edge of my seat for that one – cheering for the shark.

The X-Files

Speaking of happy days, here’s what to expect from the new mini series: “The return of The X-Files comes thirteen years after the original series run and brings six brand new episodes from creator/executive producer Chris Carter, mixing stand-alone episodes and those that further the original show’s mythology. Stars David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are re-inhabiting their roles as FBI Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. Mitch Pileggi also returns as FBI Assistant Director Walter Skinner.” (AD Skinner is totally badass.)

The X-Files

Even more amazing is that they’re resurrecting the way nasty Cigarette Smoking Man. CSM died in The X-Files last episode, his journey to the other side enabled by rocket missiles, right before he told Muldar and Scully that the aliens are scheduled to invade Earth in 2012. (That actually happened. No one noticed.)

I Want To Believe

The X-Files returns Sunday, January 24th, 2016 at 10pm EST and again the following night at 8pm EST on the Fox Network, with the premiere episode scheduled to screen at the New York Comic Con on October 10, 2015.

The X-Files

Only one other question in regards to the new X-Files – looking at the promo pics, I’m wondering out loud if Agent Scully has been taking supermodel pills? That gal is one hot dish, or “saucer.” Heh.