Monster Transparency

In Sea Creature (2009), Oregon seaside fishing/cigar chomping captain Will McKenna has problems bigger than losing one of his crew in the middle of a storm and keeping said cigar lit in the rain and waves coming over the deck. There’s an invisible sea creature that put him and everyone in Oregon on the menu.

And it’s that very same sea monster that’s been eating up all that pricey salmon and following Will back to port, where it lays eggs that will hatch more sea monsters. And they come to the feast with nasty table manners — they spit a green goo that paralyzes humans, wherein the monsters feast on your face while you’re still alive. You can’t scream or even crap your pants, which has got to suck hard.

The monsters start the buffet with teenage appetizers, leaving a trail of entrails. Complicating matters is the creatures are invisible until they strike and can jump around tree branches like they had just watched The Predator on DVD.

From this point on, it’s run, hide, scream, bleed, die. A full-on monster attack on two teens — one of which is Will’s daughter — takes place in a remote cabin. Unfortunately, their assault yielded little edible results. So they move the battle to an abandoned and likely stinky ferry. Problem for the survivors is the boat also doubles as a nesting place filled with eggs filled with more monsters. And some goop.

The showdown on the boat is a bit on the weak side, especially given the previous graphic gore goop painting the scenic seaside. But hey, nice body count from the monsters, even if they look like digital dino doggies. 

Demonic Beekeeper, Horror TV, Holiday Shark

Getting giddy for the upcoming premier of American Horror Story: Apocalypse. The teasers are eerie and stylishly cool, an AHS trademark. Kinda like expensive perfume TV commercials.

Some background info in case you’ve been living under a rock: “American Horror Story: Apocalypse is the eighth season of the FX horror anthology television series American Horror Story. It will premiere on September 12, 2018. Series co-creator Ryan Murphy (Glee, Feud) has confirmed that the new season will be a crossover between Season 1 (AHS: Murder House) and Season 3 (AHS: Coven).

While we count down the days until TV becomes good again, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stink like expensive perfume…

SANTA JAWS (available now/SyFy™ Channel)
“Trying to survive the family Christmas, Cody makes a wish to be alone, which ends up backfiring when a shark manifests and kills his entire family.”

Not surprised — the title alone has inspired countless memes, so it makes sense that someone would capitalize on it. Personally, I would’ve gone with Mama Shark, in tribute of Mother’s Day. If Mama Shark tells you to go clean your room and you don’t do it, the living room rug will likely need to be forensically vacuumed to get what’s left of your torso/face/leg meat out of the absorbent fibers.

WHAT KEEPS YOU ALIVE (August 24, 2018)
“Jackie and Jules are a couple celebrating their first anniversary at a secluded cabin in the woods belonging to Jackie’s family. From the moment they arrive, something changes in Jules’ normally loving wife, as Jackie begins to reveal a previously unknown dark side — all building up to a shocking revelation that will pit Jules against the woman she loves in a terrifying fight to survive.”

Sounds more like a regular relationship than a horror movie. But then again, aren’t all relationships kind of a horror movie when you think about it?

HELL HOUSE LLC II: THE ABADDON HOTEL (September 14, 2018/Limited)
“The sequel picks up eight years since the opening night tragedy of Hell House LLC; still many unanswered questions remain. Thanks to an anonymous tip, an investigative journalist is convinced that key evidence is hidden inside the abandoned Abaddon Hotel. This evidence that will shed light on: the hotel’s mysteries, many unsolved deaths and disappearances.”

Didn’t see the first one, so I have little insight here. Hey, I was BUSY. Supergirl on The CW™ isn’t gonna watch itself. Did a bit ‘o research — Abaddon is defined as this: “In the New Testament Book of Revelation, an angel called Abaddon is described as the king of an army of locusts.” Sounds like a beekeeper.

THE DAWNSEKER (September 4, 2018)
“2245, the Earth’s sun has dwindled and no longer provides the energy needed to sustain human life. Five hired mercenaries travel to an uncharted planet to collect a rare mineral known as stardust to replenish the dying star. After their spaceship crashes on the alien planet, they are stalked and hunted by a creature far more advanced than anything they have ever encountered before.”

Stardust is the hippie/druggie code name for cocaine. Sprinkle a pile of that on the dying sun and that thing will fire up and want to party. It’ll be a short party, though. Other than that, this one sounds suspiciously like The Predator.

Badass Aliens, Spooky Town, Zombie Rabies

Two new badass key art posters for the upcoming Predator (September 14, 2018) movie. There’s different titles on several of ‘em — one of the first posters says Pred4tor, and these say simply The Predator. I don’t care what they call it as I’ve been a Predator fan since the first movie (can’t remember what they called it) when it came out in 1987. I even tried to comb my hair to look like the dreadlocked Predator, even though everybody else at the time was trying to look like a member of Duran Duran.

As I e-barfed about this movie back in May, 2018, the plot revolves around the alien Predator hunters genetically hybriding themselves with DNA from other species. Here on Earth we call that getting lucky at Ladies Night (“Lois Lanes”) at the bowling alley. (And hey — microwaved nachos are only $1.99 while supplies last!)

Before you pull out the plaid and Aqua Velva™ cologne and head to the bowling alley, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not go good with $1.99 microwaved nachos…

CASTLE ROCK (July 25, 2018/Hulu™)
“Castle Rock combines the mythological scale and intimate character storytelling of Stephen King’s best-loved works, weaving an epic saga of darkness and light, played out on a few square miles of Maine woodland.”

The extended trailer for this 10 episode TV series looks pretty dang creepy. Guess I’ll have to bribe my neighbor with some sort of adult beverage with optional ice cubes and/or silly straw to get his Hulu™ login password and binge watch it.

HURT (July 26, 2018/Fantasia)
“Rose moves into a house in the woods close to her sister after her boyfriend gets deployed and things don’t go right when Halloween night arrives.”

Yeesh, they really don’t try to sell it with that generic/lame press release. Wonder if Rose has to do battle with Halloween raccoons out trick-or-treating for pine cones? Who wouldn’t want to see a movie like that?

PATIENT ZERO (August 14, 2018)
“An unprecedented global pandemic has resulted in the evolution of a new species. An aggressive form of rabies turns the infected into predators, addicted to violence. An inexplicably gifted human survivor with the ability to speak their new language spearheads a hunt for Patient Zero in order to find a cure to save his infected wife and humanity.”

The global pandemic that creates an aggressive form of rabies no doubt results in Republicans. That obvious truth stated, Patient Zero sounds like a cross between Pontypool (2008) and every other zombie movie from the last 10 years. You may now aggressively yawn.

MY WORST NIGHTMARE (Canada on T+E/Spring 2019)
“My Worst Nightmare explores harrowing recurring nightmares and brings them to life in vivid detail.”

This is gonna be Canadian documentary TV series, which means you should stock up on Moosehead Lager (5% alcohol), Molson Canadian (5% alcohol), Labatt Blue (5% alcohol), Sleeman’s Honey Brown (5.3% alcohol), Big Rock Traditional Ale (5% alcohol), and — winner! — Unibroue La Fin Du Monde (9% alcohol). Heck, try ’em all and bring your own nightmares to life in vivid detail.

Superhuman, Super Lame, Superman’s Grandpa

Keeping a watchful eyeball on X-Men: The New Mutants movie slated for 2018. Don’t know why I thought this was gonna be a TV series. Wishful thinking. (Maybe getting it mixing bowl’d with The Gifted, another Marvel/X-Men spin-off.) From the press release: “Styled in some places (although not officially) as X-Men: The New Mutants, the film will be based on the longstanding spin-off comic dealing with Professor X’s younger class of superhumans.”

No doubt it will star a bunch of “superheroes” with inhumanly perfect white teeth, perfect complexions and perfect chiseled abs that look like perfectly aligned pie dough rollers.

Speaking perfect, here’s some upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be pie-rollers…

ARMED RESPONSE (August 4, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“The compound, known professionally as a Temple, is an artificial intelligence powered facility designed for interrogating high level prisoners. Upon entering the Temple, the soldiers quickly find the earlier team horrifically slaughtered but no evidence as to who is responsible. Almost immediately, the crew (led by Wesley Snipes) begins to experience strange and horrific supernatural phenomena as they attempt to uncover who killed the previous team. Soon enough, they find a lone survivor, a dangerous terrorist who may hold the key to who killed the soldiers.”

Sounds almost exactly like The Predator (1987.)

Just when you thought Wesley Snipes’ movie titles could get any worse. (Looking in your direction The Marksman (2005), The Detonator (2006), The Contractor (2007). As in 99% of WS movies, you can expect a lot of guns, endless shooting/bullets and more importantly, gun posing. Mind you, Mr. Snipes is an exceptionally fine American talent (looking in your direction, The Fan/1996). But he’s far more talented than the movies he stars in (I’m looking in your direction, Gallow Walkers /2012.)

68 KILL (August 25, 2017)
“A hard-working man’s inability to say no to beautiful women gets him in trouble when he agrees to steal $68,000.

Bloody-Disgusting.com is calling 68 Kill, “bloody, hilarious Southern Gothic madness.” As for the “can’t say no to women” guy — dude, I get it. But stealing is a criminal act, whether said beautiful woman physically rewards such unlawful behavior or not. And no, butt hickeys are not rewards. Okay, sometimes they are. But a crime is a crime.

6.66PM (2017/2018)
“A team of television ghost hunters gets more than they bargained for. The house, they are pretending is haunted, turns out to be occupied by the evil spirit of an insane serial killer. Their scripted reality show goes hilariously haywire as the demon fights to take possession of their bodies. But can they make it out alive? Only time will tell in this silly case of spooky shenanigans where the body count keeps rising and so do the undead.”

Better title than 7:06PM. I tried setting my kitchen clock to 6:66PM, but every time I look at it, it says 7:06PM. I wonder if it’s possessed or if I’m that dumb? Possessed clock, no doubt. Still keeping it. The above sounds like a horror comedy, a genre that should not exist. Then again, without it, we would haven’t have gems as The Ghost And Mr. Chicken/1966 (a cinematic horror comedy landmark/benchmark) and Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)/2011, a movie so anti-good, how could it not be a comedy?)

KRYPTON (TV series/2018)
“Krypton will follow Superman’s grandfather — whose House of El was ostracized and shamed — as he fights to redeem his family’s honor and save his beloved world from chaos.”

Love how TV is embracing comic book history and actually doing a bit of re-imagining to make it palatable to people who don’t know the fundamental and cool difference between an actual comic book whose printed low-grade pages were more like recycled toilet paper than that of the digital “graphic novels” of today. There’s something intrinsically wrong about implementing a morning constitutional while swiping, which ironically, is something you should be doing afterward.

The humorous intent of this blog is dedicated to Andrea Nelson, a long time friend who left us far too soon, but nevertheless has kept a smile on my face over countless jokes over countless years. Miss you dearly, you adorable nut bag.

Death Cars, Death Aliens, Death Snow

Have you ever been watching horror movies in your underwear and see the mail man dropping off fan mail from the IRS and go outside to retrieve said marked “URGENT!” mail, all the while forgetting you’re not wearing pants? Yeah, me neither.

Some upcoming new ones to watch in your skivvies…

ROGER CORMAN’S DEATH RACE 2050 (January 17, 2017/DVD)
“It’s the year 2050 and America is controlled by an all-powerful corporate government ruled by The Chairman. The masses have been brainwashed with violent virtual-reality entertainment. The event of the year is the Death Race, in which a motley crew of violent drivers compete in a cross-country road race, scoring points for shamelessly running people over and driving each other off the road. The reigning champion and fan favorite, Frankenstein, who’s half-man half-machine, wants to take the crown, but his rebel spy co-pilot threatens his legacy.”

Corman’s Death Race 2000 (1975) is regarded one of the most iconic campy cult films of all time and space. This one recaptures that same hyper-violent/goofy destruction derby vibe. If the movie is as good as the NSFW trailer, I think we’re talkin’ an Oscar™ nomination.

THE PREDATOR (February 9, 2018)
This one’s a year away. A year. That’s something like 12 freakin’ months, dang it. No plot, but one can guess: The Predator shows up and kills people to death, using their head bones as bookends in his personal library. Works for me.

GET OUT (February 24, 2017)
“When a young African-American man visits his white girlfriend’s family estate, he becomes ensnared in a more sinister real reason for the invitation. At first, Chris reads the family’s overly accommodating behavior as nervous attempts to deal with their daughter’s interracial relationship, but as the weekend progresses, a series of increasingly disturbing discoveries lead him to a truth that he could have never imagined.”

Don’t want to spoil it for you, but the “disturbing discovery” is that her parents are actually purple vampires. Shameful that people are still so racist over purple vampires.

COLD GROUND (2017)
“1976: Two young journalists leave for the French-Swiss border to investigate a strange case of cattle mutilations and record testimonies for a TV channel. Yet, once they get there, the scientific team they were supposed to meet has gone missing. Escorted by a first-aider, a British biologist and an American forensic investigator, Melissa and David go looking for the missing team deep into the mountains; but their rescue mission soon turns into a fight for survival as they get caught in an avalanche. Lost in the wild and petrified by the cold, the team experiences the ruthlessness of the mountains. They realize that blizzards, frostbite and cliffs are not that bad once they find out that they are not alone in this snowy forest.”

Didn’t realize cows hung out in the snow. Grazing for snow balls doesn’t sound very gratifying. As for what else is in the woods, my guess is poisonous squirrels. Or werewolves. Probably werewolves since Hollywood doesn’t make movies about poisonous squirrels. They totally should, though.

THE HOLLOW ONES (2017)
“Samantha has lived her whole life in different foster homes. Now living in a small town, she never feels like she quite fits in, even with her own current foster family who might adopt her. So it’s natural that she doesn’t know what to do with Olivia, a curious, tag-along little sister. One day, Samantha callously ditches Olivia, who wanders off into the woods on her own and disappears.”

Olivia fell down an old well. Better call Lassie.