Superhuman, Super Lame, Superman’s Grandpa

Keeping a watchful eyeball on X-Men: The New Mutants movie slated for 2018. Don’t know why I thought this was gonna be a TV series. Wishful thinking. (Maybe getting it mixing bowl’d with The Gifted, another Marvel/X-Men spin-off.) From the press release: “Styled in some places (although not officially) as X-Men: The New Mutants, the film will be based on the longstanding spin-off comic dealing with Professor X’s younger class of superhumans.”

No doubt it will star a bunch of “superheroes” with inhumanly perfect white teeth, perfect complexions and perfect chiseled abs that look like perfectly aligned pie dough rollers.

Speaking perfect, here’s some upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be pie-rollers…

ARMED RESPONSE (August 4, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“The compound, known professionally as a Temple, is an artificial intelligence powered facility designed for interrogating high level prisoners. Upon entering the Temple, the soldiers quickly find the earlier team horrifically slaughtered but no evidence as to who is responsible. Almost immediately, the crew (led by Wesley Snipes) begins to experience strange and horrific supernatural phenomena as they attempt to uncover who killed the previous team. Soon enough, they find a lone survivor, a dangerous terrorist who may hold the key to who killed the soldiers.”

Sounds almost exactly like The Predator (1987.)

Just when you thought Wesley Snipes’ movie titles could get any worse. (Looking in your direction The Marksman (2005), The Detonator (2006), The Contractor (2007). As in 99% of WS movies, you can expect a lot of guns, endless shooting/bullets and more importantly, gun posing. Mind you, Mr. Snipes is an exceptionally fine American talent (looking in your direction, The Fan/1996). But he’s far more talented than the movies he stars in (I’m looking in your direction, Gallow Walkers /2012.)

68 KILL (August 25, 2017)
“A hard-working man’s inability to say no to beautiful women gets him in trouble when he agrees to steal $68,000.

Bloody-Disgusting.com is calling 68 Kill, “bloody, hilarious Southern Gothic madness.” As for the “can’t say no to women” guy — dude, I get it. But stealing is a criminal act, whether said beautiful woman physically rewards such unlawful behavior or not. And no, butt hickeys are not rewards. Okay, sometimes they are. But a crime is a crime.

6.66PM (2017/2018)
“A team of television ghost hunters gets more than they bargained for. The house, they are pretending is haunted, turns out to be occupied by the evil spirit of an insane serial killer. Their scripted reality show goes hilariously haywire as the demon fights to take possession of their bodies. But can they make it out alive? Only time will tell in this silly case of spooky shenanigans where the body count keeps rising and so do the undead.”

Better title than 7:06PM. I tried setting my kitchen clock to 6:66PM, but every time I look at it, it says 7:06PM. I wonder if it’s possessed or if I’m that dumb? Possessed clock, no doubt. Still keeping it. The above sounds like a horror comedy, a genre that should not exist. Then again, without it, we would haven’t have gems as The Ghost And Mr. Chicken/1966 (a cinematic horror comedy landmark/benchmark) and Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)/2011, a movie so anti-good, how could it not be a comedy?)

KRYPTON (TV series/2018)
“Krypton will follow Superman’s grandfather — whose House of El was ostracized and shamed — as he fights to redeem his family’s honor and save his beloved world from chaos.”

Love how TV is embracing comic book history and actually doing a bit of re-imagining to make it palatable to people who don’t know the fundamental and cool difference between an actual comic book whose printed low-grade pages were more like recycled toilet paper than that of the digital “graphic novels” of today. There’s something intrinsically wrong about implementing a morning constitutional while swiping, which ironically, is something you should be doing afterward.

The humorous intent of this blog is dedicated to Andrea Nelson, a long time friend who left us far too soon, but nevertheless has kept a smile on my face over countless jokes over countless years. Miss you dearly, you adorable nut bag.

Hey, Godzilla – Go To Hell

Over the decades Godzilla has bumped uglies with every foe’ker possible (with the exception of the Jesus). On March 1, 2016, G-Man is facing off with the world’s biggest collection of wrongness, with the release of the graphic novel mini-series, Godzilla In Hell (IDW Publishing).

The concept is open mouth drool-worthy, what with – as the press release tells me/us/you — “Godzilla meeting his greatest adversary of all time: the impossible tortures of Hell!” Here’s how this particular slice of genius sets up…

“In each issue of Godzilla In Hell special mini-series will see Godzilla enter a new level of the Underworld to do battle with the impossible by a variety of today’s best writers and artists.”

It’s safe to say that his new monster enemies won’t be of the rubber-suited variety, seeing as Hell’s temperature gauge is set at a comfy 183 Fahrenheit, two degrees higher than the point rubber melts. (It’s also a safe bet he won’t be going up against Plastic Man, either.)

Seems to me I heard tell of Godzilla in Hell back in the early settler days of July, 2015. A few clicks here and there brought me to IDWpublishing.com, where they have the 32-page comic ($3.99) posted as being “out of stock.” To further the madness, WikiZilla™ has this to say about that: “Godzilla In Hell #5 is the last issue of Godzilla In Hell. It was released on November 18th, 2015.”

The press release says March 1st, 2016, but everybody else says “been there done that.” So is the new one a compilation released under one cover? Are they re-issuing the issues? Are they gonna pick up where #5 left off? Are the previous publications a fig newton of my imagination? I’m all f’d up about it. Either way, someone on the internet is a liar.

But hey, any day with Godzilla in it is a good day. Unless you live in downtown Japan.

Evil Angels vs. Good Devils

You gotta love scientists. In their quest to find a cure for something they can over-charge us for, they unleash demonic spirits that’ve been living under ice for millions of years in the vacation destination Antarctic. These spirits invade your body and turn you into a comic book version of something bent on ill-intent, which is the case of high school BFFs Akira and Ryo, now an evil “angel” and a good “devil.”

Akira didn’t change all the way – his human side keeps him from wrecking people/stuff. But that doesn’t stop Ryo – who now calls himself Satan (uh, you might wanna check the intellectual rights on that, buddy) – from smacking Akira in the flesh areas.

Now that humans are onto the demons (pfffttt, finally), a nationwide witch hunt ensues, and demons (or anyone thought to be one) are systematically murdered into pieces by angry and frightened mobs. What this does is wipe out everybody and everything, leaving Akira to hold his girlfriend’s freshly decapitated head in his arms and pout. (Sheesh – get over her, dude.)

The demons, though, are fairly inventive, what with various horns and sharp things poking out of their faces. One supermodel angel girl grows wings out of her head and flies around. I wish I could grow wings out of my head and hang out with her on top of some building that you could only get to by flying.

The special effects are over-the-top comic book-y (mostly anime), and the spraying guts ’n gore about where they needed to be. But devils versus angels should’ve been way more, I don’t know, epic. After the action dies (sorry) down, we’re left with 10 uninterrupted minutes of Akira/Devilman staring at the ground, floating in puddles of sorrow. Yeah, Devilman (2004) floats in something, but I don’t think it’s grief.

FYI: This movie was based on the 1972 Nagai anime comic by the same name, whatever that is.