Archive for clams

Werewolves, Shadow People, Aquaman, Hippies

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Watcher

Pretty sure my mailman is a werewolf. I have no other proof other than I never see him at night, full moon or not. And his eyebrows seem a bit bushier than the acceptable norm. I should order silverware from Amazon.com™ and see if he’ll deliver it. My hunch is that it’ll goon him out.

Until I get the proof I need — AND I WILL — here’s some upcoming new horror/sci-fi movies to goon out over…

THE WATCHER (April 18, 2017)
“Unaware of its terrible history, a young couple purchases their dream home. But it soon becomes clear that they may not be alone in the house. And that someone — or something — is determined to drive them out.”

It’s Hippies. Hippies want them out so they can squat there rent-free and play their Grateful Dead records way too loud, pound on bongos for three days non-stop and stink up the joint because hippies are afraid of bathtubs. Easy way to get rid of hippies — introduce them to the glory of the washcloth.

Be Afraid

BE AFRAID (June 1, 2017)
“Not long after John Chambers and his family arrive at their new home in a small country town of Pennsylvania, John begins to experience sleep paralysis. Lying there paralyzed, trapped within his own nightmare, other-worldly beings visit John. They are entities which exist in the darkest shadows of the night and can only be seen out of the corner of one’s eye. These encounters begin to haunt John, transforming to complete terror as he discovers the entities’ sole purpose…the abduction of his seven year old son. In the end, John will uncover the town’s horrific secret, a portal on his land, and make one last attempt to save his son before the shadow people permanently take him away to their world.”

You don’t have to be a shadow person to have some fun with people who suffer from sleep paralysis. All you need is a magic marker, duct tape and a camera. Ask anyone whose ever came down with beer paralysis at a keggar.

Camera Obscura

CAMERA OBSCURA (June 9, 2017)
“A veteran war photographer with PTSD sees imminent deaths in his developed photos, questioning his already fragile sanity and putting the lives of those he loves in danger.”

This borrows heavily from a 1999 episode of The X-Files. It was called “Tithonus” and it had a guy who knew when you were about to die and took your picture at the point of death. That was back before smart phones with cameras built in, so he had to go home and develop the pics. Today you can snap “death selfies” and see the results instantly. Technology is pretty neat. P.S. Don’t hire this guy to photograph your wedding.

American Satan

AMERICAN SATAN (Summer, 2017)
“A group of young men hailing from the U.S. and England drop out of college and move to Hollywood’s infamous Sunset Strip to pursue their dreams of becoming a rock & roll sensation.”

Where’s the satan part? Is he one of the band members? If so, does he play guitar? And what kind of guitar is it? I bet it’s loud as…HELL. Heh.

Justic League

JUSTICE LEAGUE (November 11, 2017)
Yep, already wrote about this one, but this is a new poster. I have two questions — where’s Superman? Yeah, he croaked in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016), but just lay his Kryptonian corpse out in the sun for a while and he’ll be good as new. Not his costume, though. Big hole in the chest area. Not sure how you’d sew that up. Secondly, how can you tell if Aquaman wets his pants? I guess only clams know.

Superheroes, Godzilla, Chick Monsters and Dirty Harry

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Eyes

Spent all morning trying to get my hair to goon out like Giorgio Tsoukalos on the Ancient Aliens TV series. That guy has some serious follicle action goin’ on. My attempt to replicate and emulate didn’t turn out so well. Looks like I won’t be leaving my apartment until the lacquer wears off.

In the meantime, here’s some upcoming horror and sci-fi to make your hair stand on end…

THE EYES (April 7, 2017)
“Six strangers with unspeakable pasts wake up imprisoned in an abandoned warehouse and discover they are being forced to participate in an evil governmental experiment.  Five must die. One can live. And they have two hours to decide amongst themselves who survives. The clock is ticking and if they don’t decide…they ALL die.”

Overused plot #37. And being forced to participate in an evil government experiment? Well, heck — that’s called life. And The Eyes needs to get one.

Justice League

JUSTICE LEAGUE (November 11, 2017)
Fueled by his restored faith in humanity and inspired by Superman’s selfless act, Bruce Wayne enlists newfound ally Diana Prince to face an even greater threat. Together, Batman and Wonder Woman work quickly to recruit a team to stand against this newly awakened enemy. Despite the formation of an unprecedented league of heroes — Batman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Cyborg and the Flash — it may be too late to save the planet from an assault of catastrophic proportions.”

The new trailers for Justice League has everybody frothing in their britches. (Mine were bubbling over every since the first Wonder Woman trailer.) DC, a little late to the superhero gang game, is nevertheless pulling out all stops to make JL a box office barn burner. And with footage of Wonder Woman changing into her costume, it should be.

Not sure why they included the semi-obscure Cyborg over Green Lantern or Martian Manhunter. But hey, they didn’t include me either as Yell Man. Super powers include expressing myself in hippie-scattering levels, planking upside down on the couch and staring at the TV without blinking for days on end. Abilities become more intense after powering up with a mystical potion (Budweiser™).

Godzilla — Monster Planet

GODZILLA — MONSTER PLANET (November, 2017/Netflix™)
Haruo, who saw his parents killed by Godzilla in front of his eyes when he was 4 years old, had only one thing in his mind for 20 years: to return to the Earth and defeat Godzilla. Shut out from the possibility of emigration, as the living environment in the ship deteriorates, the group of ‘Earth Returnists’ led by Haruo became the majority, and determines to head back to Earth through a dangerous long-distance hyperspace navigation. However, the Earth they have returned to has already passed the time of 20,000 years, and has become an unknown world with the ecosystem reigned by Godzilla.”

This one’s animated (i.e., cartoon). Still, it’s God-freakin’-zilla, man. I’ll take him in any form — except wood. A wooden Godzilla would probably burn his own tongue off when breathalyzing his radioactive flame belch. (Clams have that same effect on me for some reason.)

Lifeform

LIFEFORM (2017)
Hadrian Beckett, a molecular biologist working to bring his wife, Samantha, back from a brain dead state, creates transgenic super stem cells that are capable of repairing cellular damage. The cells save Samantha’s life, but Hadrian and Sam discover that she is slowly being transformed into a creature of pure instinct, one that is able to alter the shape of its body at will. Hadrian must find a cure before her sense of identity is completely subsumed by the beast within her.”

Not to be confused with the 1996 sci-fi movie of the same name. Then again the plot feels like a reworking of Deadly Friend (1986) with notes of Return of the Living Dead 3 (1993). So Samantha is turning into a creature of pure instinct and… The next words out of my mouth could get me in big trouble with every woman on the planet.

Maniac Cop

MANIAC COP (2018)
“A determined female cop sets out to reveal the truth after the LAPD attempts a cover up when innocent people are brutally murdered on the streets by a uniformed police officer.”

Maniac Cops

A remake. Before it: Maniac Cop/1988, Maniac Cop 2/1990, Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence/1993, all of which takes their lead from 1973’s Magnum Force starring the ultimate maniac (in a good way) cop, Dirty Harry.

Magnum Force

Squishy Horror

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 3, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Dark Below

Don’t you hate it when you’re out deep sea diving in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean shopping for succulent breakfast clams, when your quest is interrupted by an unearthly creature? Man, that just sucks.

But that’s just what happened to Olive, a young marine biologist in the upcoming horror sci-fi movie, The Dark Below. But it’s not like the unearthly underwater creature just swam up to her and hopped into her to-go bag. Nope, there was a traumatic accident not related to eating bad clams.

The Dark Below

So she smuggles the monster home with every intent to study it, feed it, probably give it a cuddly name like Squishy and have someone/something to talk to besides her boyfriend. As the movie’s press release tells us, “Whilst struggling to re-adjust to landlocked life and recover from her recent trauma, Olive begins to realize that she and the creature share a symbiotic bond that drives her to carry out its sinister will.”

Sounds groovy, but it gets better…

“Plagued by gruesome nightmares, her fractured memories of what happened during the accident in the depths of the ocean begin to unravel and reveal an eldritch horror far older and malevolent than she could ever imagine, one which she has unwittingly set free. Olive’s obsession leads to madness as her discovery consumes her entire humanity, with deadly results for those around her.”

The Dark Below

An eldritch horror – that term means weird and sinister or ghostly and, as it’s inspired by H.P. Lovecraft, suggests the creature is gonna be all tentacle-y ’n stuff. (It could be a mutant clam with, like, five arms or something.) Just gonna have to wait – The Dark Below’s website says its coming out in 2016. Dang – I might be sober by then.

The Dark Below

P.S. Don’t confuse The Dark Below with The Dark Below, another underwater horror sci-fi movie with the same title coming out sometime in 2015/2016. I wrote about it on June 15, 2015. As I recall, the seas were rough that day…

Kiss My Abyss

Posted in Aliens, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 28, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Abyss

The USS Montana, a ballistic missile submarine, sinks near the b-hole gapingly deep Cayman Trough, where weird fish swim/poo. American and Soviet ships and subs race to salvage it (the re-sale of ballistic missiles on eBay™ is freakin’ HUGE).

The Abyss

A hurricane is forecast to make waves about the time a Navy SEAL goes all high-pressure nervous system crazy and plans to drop a nuke into the Trough to kill the NTIs (non-terrestrial intelligence) thought to be behind the sinking of the Montana. So it wasn’t gangsta clams as previously thought.

The Abyss

A brave dumbass volunteers to sink several miles down in a liquid-filled suit to disarm the nuke, the NTI’s show up looking like Disney™-made jellyfish to save the day. (Their first appearance was in the shape of a water hot dog, probing the underwater sub-station to check things out, a cool effect I often use in the shower.)

The Abyss

But it’s not the aliens that rock The Abyss (1989); it’s the fluid-choked people drama that scores. The parts where a chick has to voluntarily drown herself in order to be rescued, the bomb disarming descent into the bottomless toilet void, and the liquid-filled diving suit scene where the guy has to load his lungs with some sort of liquid, are the things that make lower extremities clench. And the NTIs? Yeah, kinda cool for water hot dogs and such.