Clap For The Wolfman, Jurassic Motorlodge, Magic Man

Horror movie soundtracks are for people who don’t like lyrics. No dis on instrumentals, but it’d be cool if rock music came with an option to hear just the music and not the caterwauling stylings of Axl Rose or that guy from Nickelback, the one with the facial hair.

But I digress. So what if there was a soundtrack to a horror movie that doesn’t even exist? Is that even legal? Apparently so, as you can now buy (or “purchase”) Meat For Wolfman (label: Somafree Institute) by the musically educated musicians Corey J. Brewer and Erik Blood under the pseudonym Blutbraüer. (Names are so much cooler with umlauts.)

Here’s what Fangoria™ says about such a harmonious and possibly illegal undertaking: “Fans of the soundtrack to Jess Franco’s Vampyros Lesbos and Francoise Du Roubaix’s music for Daughters Of Darkness be enticed: this finds a beautiful balance between the hypnotic, horrific and plain funky, using reverb, harpsichord, glockenspiel, disembodied voices and much more.” 

While you dust off your dancing shoes, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be made better with a glockenspiel-enhanced soundtrack — or facial hair…

LEGIONS / December 2022 (VOD)

“Antonio is a sorcerer from a powerful bloodline, trapped in an asylum against his will. After an omen informs him that his daughter will be sacrificed by an evil entity, he must use his magical skills to escape and save her.”

So Antonio is a sorcerer. Wonder if he knows Harry Potter? Maybe those two could start a band: The Waving Wands. They could do a cover of “I Put A Spell On You.” Okay, there was no excuse for that. Caught in a shame spiral YET AGAIN.

DINOSAUR HOTEL 2 / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Sienna is forced to play the games once again.”

Dinosaur Hotel (2021) was/is a British monster movie about “a survival game that pits prehistoric beasts against its contestants.” Extrapolated theory: Dinosaur Hotel 2 picks up where Dinosaur Hotel left off. FYI: I tried booking the Dinosaur Hotel on Expedia™. Best I could find was Mariott’s TownePlace Suites™, which is an easy 2.2 mile hitchhike to Dinosaur World in Plant City, FL. They have a pool.

MEDUSA’S VENOM / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“The beast is back and her venom is deadlier than ever. When newcomer Lola is welcomed into Medusa’s circle, she endures a ritual to bring her closer to her new sisters.”

In Greek mythology, the eternally aggro Medusa is considered the original Karen and is one of three Gorgon monsters. She has snakes for hair. Not sure what kind of shampoo one uses for that condition. Probably Dead & Shoulders™. Heh.

HUESERA: THE BONE WOMAN / Release pending 2022/2023 (VOD)

“Valeria’s joy at becoming pregnant with her first child is quickly taken away when she’s cursed by a sinister entity. As danger closes in and relationships with her family become fractured, she’s forced deeper into a chilling world of dark magic that threatens to consume her. A group of witches emerge that could be her only hope for safety and salvation, but not without grave risk.”

I liked this better when it was called Rosemary’s Baby (1968).

Hell Has Frozen Over – Might As Well Go Skiing

While the horror of 2016 has yet to be fully realized, might as well look ahead to the upcoming (movie) horrors of 2017…

CUTE LITTLE BUGGERS (2017)
“After hostile aliens crash land on local farmland, the villagers at the summer ball get suspicious when young women start going missing. The villagers soon band together to fend off the invaders and bring peace back to the sleepy English countryside.”

Why are aliens more often than not depicted as being hostile? Just because they tend to stick sharp things in our Earth orifices for the sake of science shouldn’t be taken as a signal of ill-intent between planets. If that were the case, then we might as well declare open season on proctologists. (I’m looking in your direction, Dr. “Big Finger” Lindermund.)

HOTEL OF THE DAMNED (December 6 / VOD)
“After a near fatal car accident, and stranded in the middle of nowhere, a group of travelers find themselves in an abandoned hotel deep in the Carpathian Mountains. Their bad luck becomes a nightmare when they discover that in the cavernous remains of the hotel live a race of sub-human cannibalistic creatures.”

A hotel for cannibalistic creatures? Cool! Looked everywhere on Expedia™ and couldn’t locate one for my upcoming vacation. I did, however, find one place that hosts such sub-humans — my apartment building.

DEVIL’S DOMAIN (2017)
“Lisa Pomson is a troubled, social media-obsessed teen, conflicted with her sexuality and her parents’ misunderstanding of her. When Lisa gets secretly filmed binging, purging, and masturbating, the video goes viral; and she suffers extreme cyber-bullying. Suicidal and on the brink of insanity, a beautiful, mysterious stranger (the Devil) strikes up an online relationship with her. They grow close and meet, and the stranger offers to help in exchange for a favor: Satan will rid her of the bullies and give Lisa fame and fortune in exchange for a baby. Lisa agrees, but as the bullies die one by one, Lisa’s conscience kicks in and she regrets making the deal.”

So the Devil is online? I don’t know why this doesn’t surprise me. Then again, now that the election is done and Hell has frozen over, it makes perfect sense. (Wouldn’t it suck if you requested the Devil to friend you, and got denied? Ouch!)

REPLACE (2017)
“Young and beautiful Kira is afflicted with a strange disease where her skin ages rapidly to the point of drying out and crumbling away. When she discovers that she can replace her own skin with somebody else’s, she has to make a choice: watch her own body wither and die, or give in to temptation…whatever the price.”

A spin on The Picture of Dorian Grey (1945) and every movie starring Countess Elizabeth Bathory, who bathed in the rejuvenating broth of young, beautiful women so that she can continue looking in a mirror without breaking it. Replace begs the question — exactly how do you go about appropriating someone else’s skin for vanity purposes? I’d start by asking Texas Chain Saw Massacre’s (1974) Leatherface or those tuna-smelling, skin degloving fish people from Dagon (2001).