Clap For The Wolfman, Jurassic Motorlodge, Magic Man

Horror movie soundtracks are for people who don’t like lyrics. No dis on instrumentals, but it’d be cool if rock music came with an option to hear just the music and not the caterwauling stylings of Axl Rose or that guy from Nickelback, the one with the facial hair.

But I digress. So what if there was a soundtrack to a horror movie that doesn’t even exist? Is that even legal? Apparently so, as you can now buy (or “purchase”) Meat For Wolfman (label: Somafree Institute) by the musically educated musicians Corey J. Brewer and Erik Blood under the pseudonym Blutbraüer. (Names are so much cooler with umlauts.)

Here’s what Fangoria™ says about such a harmonious and possibly illegal undertaking: “Fans of the soundtrack to Jess Franco’s Vampyros Lesbos and Francoise Du Roubaix’s music for Daughters Of Darkness be enticed: this finds a beautiful balance between the hypnotic, horrific and plain funky, using reverb, harpsichord, glockenspiel, disembodied voices and much more.” 

While you dust off your dancing shoes, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be made better with a glockenspiel-enhanced soundtrack — or facial hair…

LEGIONS / December 2022 (VOD)

“Antonio is a sorcerer from a powerful bloodline, trapped in an asylum against his will. After an omen informs him that his daughter will be sacrificed by an evil entity, he must use his magical skills to escape and save her.”

So Antonio is a sorcerer. Wonder if he knows Harry Potter? Maybe those two could start a band: The Waving Wands. They could do a cover of “I Put A Spell On You.” Okay, there was no excuse for that. Caught in a shame spiral YET AGAIN.

DINOSAUR HOTEL 2 / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Sienna is forced to play the games once again.”

Dinosaur Hotel (2021) was/is a British monster movie about “a survival game that pits prehistoric beasts against its contestants.” Extrapolated theory: Dinosaur Hotel 2 picks up where Dinosaur Hotel left off. FYI: I tried booking the Dinosaur Hotel on Expedia™. Best I could find was Mariott’s TownePlace Suites™, which is an easy 2.2 mile hitchhike to Dinosaur World in Plant City, FL. They have a pool.

MEDUSA’S VENOM / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“The beast is back and her venom is deadlier than ever. When newcomer Lola is welcomed into Medusa’s circle, she endures a ritual to bring her closer to her new sisters.”

In Greek mythology, the eternally aggro Medusa is considered the original Karen and is one of three Gorgon monsters. She has snakes for hair. Not sure what kind of shampoo one uses for that condition. Probably Dead & Shoulders™. Heh.

HUESERA: THE BONE WOMAN / Release pending 2022/2023 (VOD)

“Valeria’s joy at becoming pregnant with her first child is quickly taken away when she’s cursed by a sinister entity. As danger closes in and relationships with her family become fractured, she’s forced deeper into a chilling world of dark magic that threatens to consume her. A group of witches emerge that could be her only hope for safety and salvation, but not without grave risk.”

I liked this better when it was called Rosemary’s Baby (1968).

Stylish Snake Hat

In the 1970 horror martial arts flick Devil Woman, the night Manda was born in the Philippines, a freak lightning storm came outta nowhere and somehow transformed the crib rat into “a monster.” (Her dad’s words, not mine, as he saw her and crapped his pants. Neither was shown.)

As Manda gets few years under her head wrap (she’s clearly hiding something besides chronic dandruff), the neighborhood kids taunt her and try to take off the stylish turban. Blocking her in an alley, one kid sticks his hand under Manda’s hat and gets his hand bitten by a snake that was lounging under there. This brands Manda as a monster and she’s tormented relentlessly. Later, when she’s grown up to look like she came from the U.S. even though she was Filipino as a child, Manda vows relentless revenge on her formative years’ taunters.

Those who flaunted their taunts should be visibly shaken — Manda is indeed a monster and has the power to control snakes to do her bidding. This leads to hazardous conditions as the entire village is surrounded by dirt and woods where snakes make their living, a supportive argument for revenge law and demand supply.

Enter a Chinese kung fu master who wears a gold necklace, white V-neck t-shirt and white pants. All he needs is a vertical haircut and he’d be the kung fu master version of Vanilla Ice. His footwear looked like indoor slippers, though. He rescues a young gal, the daughter of a wealthy local dude, from a  gang of hooligans, who work for a gangsta head hooligan. (Full disclosure — he works for Manda.) The kung fu master takes on 20 thugs and kicks all their pants right in the pants. This won’t be the last time he has to deal with these smirking criminals, who mistakenly think there’s strength in numbers.

Manda continues her reptile revenge, killing her tormentors. While this is going on, the kung fu master has six (!) more run-ins with the gang, whose members now count in the 30s. And still, he mops the dirt floor with ‘em. When the local (and single) young gal is kidnapped and brought to the cave where Manda lives (kinda neat — wonder if it has working plumbing?), the master goes to rescue her. He predictably fresh beats the thugs into tenderized pork, jumps and flips over multiples of snakes, and faces off with Manda. It’s here she takes off her hoodie and reveals her hair is not hair at all, but a pile of icky wiggle snakes. (Medusa should file intellectual property infringement.)

Manda controls the snakes by snaking up her eyes and waving her hands in front of her, as if slowly washing an invisible window. This is ironic as most windows are already invisible. The master flings sharpened Popsicle sticks at the snakes and acupunctures their heads. Manda, who no doubt maintains heir coiling coif with Ssssalon Selective™ shampoo, falls after being cornered on a rock cliff. We don’t see her splat. This means, of course, sequel city. (Spoiler: It’s titled Bruka: Queen of Evil/1973).

Vampire Hookers

No mistaking the, um, “subtle” imagery for the upcoming sales poster for Lilin’s Brood. Clearly, it’s a message to be nicer to snakes and to include more fruit in your diet. That, or have sex with vampire hookers. While apples might be better for you, I’m gonna have to recommend gettin’ jiggy with the vampire hookers. (Wonder if they take “bit” coin? Heh.)

Therein lies the framework (my presumption, anyway) for Lillian’s Blood, releasing February 12, 2016. An indie horror flick. Here’s what lays down: A “New Media” news coverage team (W.H.I.S.T.L.E.) is stranded near a beleaguered brothel in the middle of nowhere; recovered footage will reveal what happens when they encounter a group of women with a terrifying secret.”

The so-called “secret” is that this group of women want your various fluids – and are skilled at extracting said juices in a manner of saucy ways.

While contemplating such saucy notions, try your best not to confuse Lilin’s Brood (2000) with Lilith’s Brood, a series of sci-fi novels (Dawn, Adulthood Rites, Imago) under one banner  by author Octavia Butler. If you know how to read, the novels are described as “profoundly evocative, sensual – and disturbing – epic of human transformation.”

Cool – aliens gettin’ jiggy with Earth peeps. Wonder if the books come illustrated?

Finding Fantastic Beasts

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them is a return to the universe of Harry Potter by creator/mega-billionaire J.K. Rowling. It started out a book in 2001, but because of Rowling’s history of turning anti-Christian sentiments into box office gold (good for her), it’s to be a movie as well, due out in November of 2016. Why they’re plugging it now (December, 2015 – 11 months before it comes out – obviously means they need time to license premium toy tie-ins. (One can never have too much money.)

Still, as cool as the concept seems, it feels like a half-baked crossover. Then again, I didn’t read the book as I gave up reading once TV was invented. And hey, if I wanna find a fantastic beast, all I have to do is look in a mirror. Heh.

But we’ve already seen a pile of mythical monsters in the Harry Potter movies – a giant three-headed dog that takes craps the size of giant spiders; Giant spiders that talk and eat human meatloaf; A parrot that bursts into flames like a defective bottle rocket; Centaurs that cover the forest floor with recycled apples; Bulimic werewolves with 3% body fat who binge and purge every full moon; Dragons (aka, flying BBQs); Bird/horse hybrids that chow down on raw ferret as if woodland sushi; Mail-carrying owls (delivering late as to emulate real postal service); Talking snakes (they pronounce “s’’’s really well); And 15-foot trolls with I.Qs around that of your average movie blogger. So what else could they possibly bring to the table?

Glad you asked. Here’s a few fantastic beast copyright worthy ideas: Ghost Monkeys – they fling zoo poo at you and then disappear, much to the delight of everyone not covered in you know what. Land Crabs that cause itching that can’t be stopped, even with generously applied pyrethrins and piperonyl butoxides. Sea Bats that look like seagulls – they steal your french fries and peck your neck. Giant turtles that shoot flames out their… Oh, wait – that one’s been done.

J.K. Rowling – please contact me for licensing rights. Bring your 10-ton checkbook.

Sex Monster and Barnyard Horror

A couple of upcoming new ones that look old. But they’re not. They’re new. For reals.

First up is It Follows, due out March 13, 2015, probably before lunch, but definitely after breakfast. It involves a young girl who is plagued by nightmarish visions after an “innocent sexual encounter” in the back seat of a car.

OK, no sexual encounters are innocent. That’s what organized religion tries to drill into our horn dog brains. Secondly, who hasn’t had nightmarish visions after hooking up? Think Lair of the White Worm (1988) and go from there.

ANYWAY…after said hook up, 19-year-old Jay (chick with a dude’s name) can’t shake the sensation that someone – or something – is following her. As the threat closes in, Jay and her friends must somehow escape the horrors that are only a few steps behind.

I bet it’s organized religion.

An old school treatment for The Barn arrives October 1, 2015 in the form of some of those cool illustrated ’80s style horror movie posters. And the plot feels right out of that era as well. Behold…

“It’s Halloween 1989. Best friends Sam and Josh are trying to enjoy what’s left of their final Devil’s Night before graduating high school. But trouble arises when the two pals and a group of friends take a detour on their way to a rock concert, finding an old abandoned barn and awakening the evil inside.

Now it’s up to Sam and Josh to find a way to protect their friends and defeat the creatures that lurk within “The Barn.”

One can barely imagine the horrible creatures in a barn: pigs, horses, cows, rats, bugs, snakes, spiders, poisonous squirrels, stink beetles, electric eels…

Could this be the Old MacDonald version of Night of the Demons (1988)? I will ponder that over a nice breakfast of barn eggs, barn sausage and horse apples. OK, probably not that last one.