Banshee — Shout It Out Loud

The Banshee is a mythical creature that shrieks so loud your ear drums pop. That’s the good news. The bad news is you have about two seconds to live, as it’ll remove your head and everything else required to make it operate correctly.

Teens on a Connecticut camping trip in the small town of Wallingford run afoul of this winged, voluminous gargoyle, which can assume the likeness of its victims. They try running away from it, only to get impaled and gutted, like pre-bacon. Several are given the above treatment while the remaining savory dishes make it to a house that’s gun-guarded by an old man and his rocker son, Rocker. (That’s his real name, and it totally rocks.)

The Banshee finishes what it started with everyone else heading in the direction of their own salvation. Points for trying. And Banshee!!! (2008) is a decent try, even though it falls prey to lazy clichés and ham-flavored dialogue. The chicks take off their clearly uncomfortable shirts, but leave their bras on. Party foul.

The Banshee, obviously digital and not even remotely close to being real, is corn city. (It’s mouth looks like a hot air vent. Might be good for inflating balloons.) The buffet of blood and bodies, though, are moist, juicy and tender, much like the girls who don’t take off their bras. That’s like getting a delicious 7-Eleven Hot Pocket™ and not being able to get the wrapper off.

Meet The New Gods, Same As The Old Gods

When you think about it, Clash of the Titans (the remake, 2010), is Greek mythology’s version of Christianity. You have God (Zeus), Satan (Hades) and Jesus (Perseus), all playing with the lives and minds of humanity. Kinda like beer.

In this case, Argos, a city of the unwashed, is fed up with the Gods not answering their prayers, and destroys all graven images. This, of course, angers the Gods, and they let Hades make them pay for their blasphemy.

The Gods call for the sacrifice of the queen’s supermodel hot daughter, Andromeda. If they don’t BBQ her alive in 10 days they will unleash the Kraken, a mega creature feared by the Gods themselves. Probably because the darn thing is twice the size of Argos and has a wide variety of long tentacles with which to crush and knock over stuff. Just looking at it will cause you to colorize your toga.

Giant scorpions, snake women, gargoyle harpies, flying horses, the Kraken… Christianity was never this cool or fun.

Witches Are For Burning

Burn, Witch, Burn (1962) is also known as Night of the Eagle. Kinda hard to determine which movie title is more marketable…NOT.

Imagine the embarrassed look on Norman Taylor’s face when he finds out his wife has been practicing witchcraft. Sure, lots of alternative lifestyle housewives do this, but Norman is a teacher at a prestigious University in England where he hands out failing grades for anyone who believes in that mystical poo poo.

Tansy, his wife, has been using her charms to help her husband succeed and keep evil away. So imagine the other embarrassed look on his face when evil comes knockin’ after he throws all of her talismans in the fire.

Of all the mystical poo poo that goes off the rail, it’s the giant gargoyle eagle on the school’s rooftop that goes after Norman in the hallways, crashing through stuff to peck out his disbelieving eyes that gives one pause. Tansy needs to right this wrong and offers herself up as collateral to whomsoever is causing this hell.

Burn, Witch, Burn (it lives up to one of its titles towards the end) is slow to get moving, but for 1962 there’s some creepy stuff to keep you interested. Like Tansy, for instance. With a name like that, you know this gal’s a real show-stopper.