Resin-ating Horror, Earthquakes Rock, Vampire Cows

Thalassophobia — an ancient Greek term not related to yogurt — is the persistent and intense fear of deep bodies of water, such as the ocean, seas, or lakes. (I myself have accute Urophobia, which is triggered by public swimming pools.) Japanese artist Thalasso hobbyer (clever) makes resin dioramas that really do a number on your Thalassophobic mind, with mythical underwater creatures like giant prehistoric fish, whales and sharks coming up from the depths to fulfill their dietary needs.

A review of Thalasso hobbyer’s art: “He’s gotten a lot of praise for masterfully crafted diorama depicting a mysterious seaside shrine on a cliff, with a whale-like creature emerging from the depths of the ocean. When viewed from the side, you can see how expertly Thalasso hobbyer is able to recreate the sense of unknown expanse in the ocean.” If you want to know how he creates these resin dioramas, there’s a fascinating step-by-step guide on YouTube™, but only if you click here.

Speaking of YouTube™, there’s a number of really unsettling Thalassophobia videos of…things…from the deep coming to the surface and/or underneath us while we’re hanging out in the middle of the ocean with no land OR 7-Eleven™ in sight. If you’re ever caught in that situation, not even Aquaman and/or Prince Namor can save you.

So while we all keep our swimsuit area as far the f*ck away from all things deep sea and dog paddle in oceans of Keystone Lager™, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not cause you to pollute the water…

CONTINENTAL SPLIT / June 29, 2024 (Tubi™)

“As the New Madrid Fault threatens to tear the USA in two, a desperate team of seismologists and government agents race to prevent disaster while the clock ticks down. Meanwhile, the team faces not only natural calamities but also human-made challenges, making their task even more daunting.”

It’s actually called the New Madrid Seismic Zone, a major seismic area and prolific source of intraplate earthquakes (earthquakes within a tectonic plate) in the Southern and Midwestern United States, stretching to the southwest from New Madrid and Missouri. I looked it up because apparently I had nothing else to do. 

PETER PAN’S NEVERLAND NIGHTMARE / October 2024 (VOD)

“Wendy Darling strikes out in an attempt to rescue her brother Michael from the clutches of the evil Peter Pan. Along the way she meets Tinkerbell who, in this twisted version of the story, will be seen taking heroin, convinced that it’s Pixie Dust.”

In the Disney™ version of Peter Pan, where this movie exploits that movie’s public domain status, Pixie Dust is a magical golden glitter-like powder that grants the abilities of flight and “happy feelings.” Today’s street value is about $9.86 an ounce. Just ask any Tinkerbell meth-head.

THE SHIZZLY GRARK / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A new cryptid, identified as half grizzly bear and half shark beast, is terrorizing the U.S. This mockumentary interviews several key witnesses and attack survivors before local filmmakers head into the monster’s prime stomping grounds in hopes of capturing it on video. Unfortunately, their bodies have yet to be discovered.”

Like Whalewolf, Sharktopus and Pteracuda, I’m down with these Dr. Moreau mash-ups. But c’mon — pay someone more than $1.50 to do your movie poster.

DAYLIGHT TO DARK / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A brother and sister are stranded in an isolated town filled with vampires and meet a cowboy vampire hunter who aims to slay them.”

Shouldn’t cowboy vampire hunters be cattle-driving vampire cows? The milk that comes out of those things is pure evil, more so when poured on Count Chocula™ cereal. You got that joke, right?

Sugar Monsters, Hot Dog Cryptids, Trailer Park Vampires

Last year — June 9, 2023 to be exact — I posted a blog about sugar-reimagined cereal makers General Mills™ introducing Carmella Creeper™, a new breakfast cereal/monster character (after 35 years) to join the legendary ranks of Franken Berry™, Count Chocula™ and Boo Berry™. And now G-Mills™ has upped their “most important fix of the day” by giving all of the above their own spooky pets. And they’re made of marshmallows, of all things. (In an adult world, these “pets” would be made of Aleve™, Tums™, Metamucil™ and Maximum Strength Preparation H Hemorrhoid Cream ™.)

While the Monsters’ Fright Friends™ cereals won’t appear on grocery store/food bank shelves for a few more months, the pets include Igor the spider for Count Chocula™, Bennie the bat for Franken Berry™, Meow Berry the cat for Boo Berry™ and Scratch the snake for Carmella Creeper™. Yeah, not very original names, but guaranteed to make your leavings look like a Peter Max painting.

So while we all grab these sugar-dense cereals when they come out — as well as a glucose monitor — here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you insulin-resistant…

BLACKWATER LANE / June 21, 2024 (VOD)

“After witnessing a tragedy on a dangerous country road, Cass is visited by a ghostly presence and begins to question her sanity. As these otherworldly experiences intensify, Cass is driven closer to the brink until she begins to assemble the pieces of a horrific plot against her.”

I liked this better when it was called Let’s Scare Jessica To Death (1971).

THE LEGEND OF CRICK FOOT / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“An aspiring filmmaker investigates a string of sightings involving a humanoid covered in hair known as Crick Foot. The creature frequents cook-outs and other outdoor gatherings in hopes of stealing hot dogs.”

I wasn’t stealing the hot dogs. I was merely taking advantage of free product samples.

BOGIEVILLE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A young couple on the run come across the eponymous derelict American trailer park. They are convinced to stay by the sinister caretaker, although they soon learn that he is in fact the guardian of the residents of Bogieville, themselves a pack of blood-thirsty vampires.”

I thought vampires lived in dirty old castles with no electricity, running water or Styrofoam ice chests full of Pabst Blue Ribbon™.

THE LOOMING / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

Chester, a 70 year-old man, begins hearing strange noises in his home. Although he seeks help from his daughter Sarah and coworkers, they dismiss his concerns. But when Luna, his home audio assistant, detects the sounds, Chester realizes it has not all been in his head.”

Couple ’o things about The Looming: This is a short horror film and the 70 year-old looks more like an 80 year-old. But to make sure, just count the liver spots on his elephant trunk textured skin.

Fructose Freaks, Psycho Paths, Real Estate Witches

As kids, we got our junkie-high off such mono-saccharides-radiated breakfast cereals as Cap’n Crunch™, Lucky Charms™, Fruity Pebbles™ and, my fav, the one-two punch of Quisp™ and Quake™. Wheaties™ may have given themselves the tagline of “Breakfast of Champions,” but a salad bowl of Sugar Smacks™ with a Pabst™ chaser had that crown long before Wheaties™ was even invented.

But for the horror-inclined, THE breakfast go-to was Boo Berry™, Franken Berry™, and later Fruit Brute™ and Yummy Mummy™. These cereals were reissued in later years, but now General Mills™, for the first time in over three decades, is introducing a new horror cereal: Carmella Creeper™. My sugar-frosted pancreas doesn’t know whether to celebrate or call the doctor.

From MonsterCereals.com: “The General Mills™ Monster Cereals have been an annual staple of Halloween since the early 1970s. We haven’t gotten a new character since Yummy Mummy’s™ arrival back in 1988, which makes Carmella Creeper™ the first new Halloween mascot in 35 years!”

Just so you have something to look forward to for a hangover breakfast beside a handful or water and a glass full of aspirin, General Mills™ is also doing a Monster Mash Remix™ cereal this Halloween: all six Monsters Cereals flavors: Carmella Creeper™, Frute Brute™, Count Chocula™, Boo Berry™, Franken Berry™ and Yummy Mummy™.”

So while we find something to do that results in getting insane munchies and devouring an entire box of any of these insanity delicious cereals with our hands, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not require you to get a prescription of Metformin after digesting ’em…

THE ONES YOU DIDN’T BURN / June 13, 2023 (VOD)

“After his father’s suicide a young man returns to his rural family home to prepare it for sale where he meets two women who claim the land was stolen from their ancestors after they were accused of being witches. He soon finds himself at the center of an occult conspiracy that led to his father’s death and now threatens to destroy him.”

You don’t wanna mess with those gals — witches give you stitches.

LUMBERJACK THE MONSTER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Akira Ninomiya is a remorseless lawyer who doesn’t hesitate to eliminate anyone who stands in his way. One night he is brutally attacked by an unknown assailant wearing a monster mask. Although he miraculously survives the assault, Ninomiya becomes fixated on finding the attacker and getting revenge. Meanwhile, a series of gruesome murders occur where the victims are found with their brains removed from their bodies. While police conduct an intensive investigation, Ninomiya seeks revenge against the assaulter. Who will uncover the truth first?”

Serial Killer vs. Psychopath. Sounds like a WWE™ pay-per-view…with violence.

INHERIT THE WITCH / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“In 1984 a family throws a 14th-birthday party for Cory and Jessie. Thirty years later, what’s left of the family reunites for the father’s funeral at two isolated houses in the forest, historically a hotbed of witchcraft. There, horrific truths are slowly uncovered about the family’s occult pact with an ancient evil that has secretly been at the core of their wealth and power, as the remaining siblings uncover the true bloody darkness behind their inheritance.”

Didn’t I just preview this above?

OPEN HOUSE / Pending crowdfunding 2023 (VOD)

“A young mother and her teenage daughter live a vagabond life, bouncing from town to town, squatting in homes they tricked Realtors into showing them during the day, and then breaking into them later at night, so they have somewhere to sleep. This grift seems to be working well until the two come across an overzealous realty couple, who show the duo a house, but refuse to let them leave.”

This one’s being described as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre meets The Rocky Horror Picture Show. So musical power tools?

Not The Stairway To Heaven

The instructions to make The Doorway (2000) must’ve come off a box of Count Chocula™: Take four college kids, put ’em in a haunted house, have a doorway to Hell in the basement, and let unnatural nature take its course. 

Of course the ancient medallion keeping the doorway to Hell from swinging both ways is knocked off the sacred nail holding back epic evil, and a succubus (female demon that likes to get jiggy) roams from bedroom to bedroom, wreaking mattress havoc and sticking out her plastic green tongue.

The students try and solve the mystery of the skanky spook by hooking up with their ghost-hunting college professor, Roy Scheider. (Hey, this was the guy who kicked Jaws’ wet butt, so it was a strategic move.) The only thing missing is a dog named Scooby Doo. Rory doesn’t last long, though, getting his entire face ripped in half by the face-ripping face-ripper. Then everybody else falls prey to the smelly forces emanating from the basement. 

There’s a happy assortment of boobs and a lingering sex scene, which was pleasant on an R-rated sliding scale. The creatures that come a’knockin’, however, aren’t particularly scary, nor unique. In fact, the whole flick lamely rips off The Legend of Hell House (1973), The Amityville Horror (1979), Night of the Demons (1988),  and Hellraiser (1987), without batting an evil eye. 

The girls are cute (especially the short blonde chick), but the guys are dorks of chess club proportions. In the end, it all sucks. But the thing about doorways is that you can always go out the same way you came in.