Robo-Pillow, Mud Puddle Monster, House Ghost

The enduring sci-fi hit RoboCop came out in 1987 and was about a policeman murdered to death by criminals and brought back to life (or “revived”) by the mega-corporation Omni Consumer Products as a cyborg law enforcer or “robo-cop”. Unable to recall his non-mechanized life, he launches a violent, emotionless war on crime. Good — criminals deserve nothing less. Since then, RoboCop has been hailed as one of the best films of the 1980s and one of the greatest science fiction and action films ever made. And it was made for only $13.7 million robo-bucks.

RoboCop has two sequels — RoboCop 2 (1990), RoboCop 3 (1993) — as well as a remake in 2014 cleverly titled, RoboCop. And while you can get any variety of RoboCop action figures/models/sex toys (okay, I made up that last one), now, thanks to Toynk Toys™, you can get a RoboCop Enforcement Droid Series 209 — or ED-209 — plush toy. If you’ve seen the original RoboCop, the ED-209 is a heavily-armed robot that looks straight outta Star Wars. It was designed to assist law enforcement officers, but malfunctions and turns into a murder-bot, ala Westworld (1973). Yet another reason to buy it, which you can do here.

From the product description: “Law-breaking criminals of the future don’t stand a chance against this exclusive collector’s plush from the cyberpunk world of RoboCop. Part of OCP’s Enforcement Droid Series, ED-209 stands ready to eradicate crime via any means necessary, including the use of lethal force. You’ll appreciate this soft gray plushie’s menacing mechanical design, including its expressionless black domed head, deadly twin machine-gun arms, and unique stance. Manufactured for maximum crime-fighting carnage, you’ll enjoy every robotic snuggle from this ED-209 plush toy. Captured with finely printed details, this stuffed robot sentry is designed to look just like its on-screen counterpart, only a little more cuddly and a lot less dangerous.” P.S. The ED-209 plushy sells for $35.99 and ships May 1-3, 2024.

So while we all buy this thing and snuggle it while watching RoboCop (the original, not the remake), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be full of crime-fighting carnage — or cotton…

THE KING TIDE / Out now (Theaters)

“After the mayor of an idyllic island village discovers a child with mysterious powers awash on their shores, the once peaceful community devolves into civil war, torn over the belief that the child is the next Saviour.”

So Tween Jesus storms the beaches and everybody freaks out and starts beating the faith outta each other. The first of many things wrong with religion.

THE BOGMAN / Out now (You Tube™/Tubi™)

“After inheriting a ranch from his uncle, Charles Williams, his two kids, and his new wife move to Mountain Bend, Arizona. They find the town is a Bigfoot tourism spot and over half the population are believers. After a few incidents, a local TV documentary crew arrive on the ranch to get a shot of the action. They all soon find out, that you can only push nature so far before it bites back.”

There are bogs in Arizona? An occasional mud puddle, sure. But a bog in a state that only averages 12.26 inches of rain a year even big enough to house a Bog Man? The need to move this movie to Seattle. (I live here and am surrounded by bogs…and bog people.)

FORECLOSURE 2 / Release pending 2024 (VOD, Tubi™)

“A new family moves into a neighborhood in hopes of meeting the ghost that lives in their home.”

A good idea to get on the good side of a ghost you’re sharing your home with. Less chance of the ghost watching TV too loud when you’re trying to sleep or taking a crap while you’re in the shower.

HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU’RE SLEEPING / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A young man’s Christmas homecoming turns into a nightmare as a killer in a Santa suit gruesomely picks off his estranged, wealthy family for their fortune.”

Great — now the REAL Santa is gonna get blamed.

Smack-Talking Computers, Possessed Ubers, The Curse of Seagulls

Remember HAL 9000 (Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic), the sentient super computer with a human personality, in the groundbreaking sci-fi movie, 2001: A Space Odyssey (which ironically was done in 1968)? Now CASE (Cognitive Architecture for Space Exploration) is making a new HAL — which spells doom for all us astronauts (I’m almost done with my online courses, so yeah, I’m an astronaut, b*tches!)

2001: A Space Odyssey, as you likely know, was infamously produced and directed by fake moon landing movie maker, Stanley Kubrick from an Arthur C. Clark short story, Sentinel of Eternity (1951). In 2001, HAL, the computer not only talks, but talks back, overrides human commands and secretly has a directive to investigate a radio signal sent from that mysterious, featureless Monolith. (The Who — lunar British rock band — symbolically peed on it for the cover of their rhythmic beats album, Who’s Next/1971. Disrespectful, but very rock). The crew of Discovery One should’ve waited to see what happened to the staff of the deep space Nostromo in Alien (1979). Ash (Hyperdyne Systems 120-A/2 android), their super computer in the clever guise of a stink human, pulled the exact same sh*t and look what happened there.

Pretty much everybody (except me) owns their own personal HAL, though they call it Alexa/Siri/Google. My dire warning to you is to not trust any of those convenient smart home devices and make sure you don’t involuntarily get locked out of your house/deep space vessel.

While you contemplate machines taking over the world, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not digitally sever your oxygen hose…

BEYOND WHITE SPACE (December 14, 2018)
“The captain of a deep-space vessel makes a daring decision to go after a rare and nearly extinct species. His obsession soon jeopardizes the mutinous crew when the gigantic and deadly creature attacks the ship.”

Sounds like Moby Dick in space. The trailer is pretty cool — there’s a mega big gigantic huge Godzilla-esque monster floating around, looking for spaceship flavored snacks. The deep-space vessel may as well put a Fritos™ logo on the side of their ship.

SUPERGRID (December 18, 2018)
“Two estranged brothers travel the notorious ‘Grid’ in their quest to collect and deliver a mysterious cargo. En route they must contend with road pirates, rebel gangs, and each other.”

The plot of traveling across the danger-enhanced apocalyptic wastelands steal from dozens of other same-plot movies/TV shows, but also the morning work commute. 

THE CAR: ROAD TO REVENGE (January 8, 2019)
“In a dilapidated cyberpunk city plagued by crime and corruption, an unscrupulous District Attorney is savagely murdered and tossed out of a building onto his brand new car. Mysteriously, the District Attorney and his car come back to life as a single being with a thirst for vengeance. The eerie driver-less car embarks on a vicious rampage exacting revenge on the criminals who murdered him.”

They’re calling this a “stylized sequel” to the 1977 movie called, The Car, wherein a possessed vehicle runs people down and parks on their faces. The lead character was James Brolin, who later went on to The Amityville Horror infamy. He seems nice.

CURSE OF THE BLIND DEAD (2019)
“In the Thirteen century, a group of Satan worshipers, the Knight Templars, is captured during a ritual and brutally murdered by the locals. Just before the execution, the Knights swear to return from their graves to haunt the village and the nearby forest. Centuries later, in a post-apocalyptic future, a man and his daughter try to survive against both the Undead Knights and a sect commanded by a mad preacher.”

Sound familiar? It should — it’s a continuation of the early Seventies Italian-filmed Blind Dead series (Tombs of the Blind Dead/1971, The Return of the Blind Dead/1973, The Ghost Galleon/1974, Night of the Seagulls/1975). Blind dead Templar Knights out for revenge are certainly scary. But man, don’t get in a dust up with seagulls — those things always know when you wash your car and will unleash their coordinated crap attacks on your just-cleaned hood and door handle. (How do they manage such accuracy? Geez.)