Murder Doll, Murder Insects, Murder Hat

The sci-fi horror hit M3GAN scored big at 2022’s box office and whose marketing was so pervasive, which spawned a wildly viral social media dance trend, you knew about it, even if you didn’t see it. The movie’s protagonist “M3gan” — a science-created, fully-functioning young girl doll — was so lifelike, it made it super creepy when “she” went all murderville on non-plastic lifeforms. And in anticipation of a sequel scheduled for May 2025, you can own a screen-accurate, life-sized M3GAN doll for a the human-mocking price of $494.99.

The 1:1 replica life-sized M3GAN doll, offered by NECA™, is pitched thusly: “This fantastically accurate replica doll stands approximately 55 inches tall, duplicated from actual film-used digital files. It has an articulated inner-armature, movable eyes, and synthetic hair (matched to screen-used hair samples). Her clothing is made from film-used patterns and includes a dress with inner lining, two striped sleeves, a bow-tie, underwear, tights, and shoes. The fabric material of her dress matches an exact swatch of the dress from the movie, and her shoes are customized with details from the screen-used shoes.” Preorder it here.

So while you consider buying a life-size lifelike female child doll and hope everyone you know doesn’t de-friend you, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not fulfill all your horror (or otherwise) fetishes…

THE DEADLY SWARM / April 2, 2024 (VOD)

“A group of cash desperate friends attend a medical trial retreat. Lured under false pretenses and run by the suspicious Dr. Feldman, little do they know that the doctor has unwittingly created a race of killer flies — and they are hungry for blood.”

Not to be confused with 2003’s Deadly Swarm. That one had killer wasps. And a soundtrack by…Sting. Okay, not really…but man, that’s comedy gold!

HANKY PANKY / April 19, 2024 (VOD)

“A man and a talking napkin save the world from an evil top hat, and also learn to love.”

I knew top hats were evil, but was unaware napkins could talk. I’ll be mindful of that the next time I run out of toilet paper.

WITCH / April 30, 2024 (VOD)

“Small town, England. 1575. William embarks on a journey to prove the innocence of his wife, Twyla, falsely accused of being a witch.”

A witch or something that rhymes with witch?

INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE SEASON 2 / May 12, 2024 (AMC+)

“In the year 2022, the vampire Louis de Pointe du Lac recounts his life story to journalist Daniel Molloy. Picking up from the bloody events in New Orleans in 1940 when Louis and teen fledgling Claudia conspired to kill the vampire Lestat de Lioncourt, Louis tells of his adventures in Europe, a quest to discover old world vampires and the Theatre Des Vampires in Paris, with Claudia.”

I tried watching the first season, but found it to be…anemic. Heh.

Halloween’s Insides, Pennsylvania Werewolves, Dead Done Walking

Good news: Titan Books™ is releasing Halloween: The Official Making of Halloween, Halloween Kills & Halloween Ends on October 17, 2023. Great news: It’s written by Abbie Bernstein who did The Art of Godzilla: King of the Monsters and The Art of Mad Max: Fury Road. Even greater news: The book is loaded with photos for those among us who have yet to learn how to read. 

From Titan Books’™ press release: “The 240-page hardcover book serves as an official companion to the recent Halloween trilogy, featuring interviews with cast and crew accompanied by behind-the-scenes photography from the sets. The making of this much-anticipated movie trilogy is covered in fascinating detail in this official companion book. The creative processes behind the stunts, costumes, production design and make-up effects are revealed through interviews with the cast and crew, while captivating on-set photography captures the shooting of the key scenes and action set-pieces.”

Even Michael Myers would give this book a five-knife rating. So while we click here to pre-order the $46.50 comparatively-priced publication, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have sub-titles for those among us who have yet to learn how to read…

SPOOKTACULAR! / September 23, 2023 (VOD)

“A gripping documentary that unravels the secrets behind SpookyWorld, America’s iconic Halloween extravaganza, which set the template for the multi-billion-dollar industry of terror. Presented by executive producer Tom Savini, Spooktacular! will bow in Austin at the largest genre film festival in the US, specializing in horror, fantasy, sci-fi, and action movies from all around the world.”

A documentary that features soundbites by Alice Cooper and The Exorcist’s Linda Blair. They also have ukulele overlord Tiny Tim, though not sure how that works since he died in 1996. Maybe that’s where the “spooktacular” part comes in.

WEREWOLVES UNEARTHED / October 1, 2023 (VOD)

“A recent rash of werewolf sightings in western Pennsylvania have grabbed the attention of documentarian Ward Hiney. In order to get to the truth behind these ongoing encounters, he enlisted journalist and ardent skeptic Chad Christy in an effort to film their investigation, hoping to unravel the mysterious events unfolding in the Shenango Valley. As they spoke with witnesses and experts, a pattern emerged that might help establish what is behind ongoing sightings of werewolves in America’s Heartland.”

Another Small Town Monsters production, this coming on the heels of their The Dogman Triangle: Werewolves in the Lone Star State (June, 2023). Talk about milking the lycanthrope. (Try getting THAT visual out of your head.)

AWARENESS / October 11, 2023 (Amazon Prime™)

“Ian, a rebellious teenager living on the outskirts of society, can manipulate minds with his ability to generate visual illusions. He uses this power to survive running small, indiscreet, scams. When one of his cons goes awry, his abilities publicly spiral out of control and Ian becomes the target of two rival organizations, each seeking to exploit his powers.”

Reminds me of Dreamscape (1984). In that one, Dennis Quaid uses his manipulative abilities at the track. Glad he didn’t waste his gift.

FEAR OF THE WALKING DEAD: THE FINAL EPISODES / October 22, 2023 (AMC+™)

“AMC Networks™ announces the final six episodes of Fear the Walking Dead, beginning Sunday, October 22 at 9pm ET/8c on AMC™ and AMC+™ and concluding on Sunday, November 19 with two back-to-back episodes. In Season 8 Morgan, Madison and the others they brought to the island are living under Padre’s cynical rule. With our characters demoralized and dejected, the task of reigniting belief in a better world rests with the person Morgan and Madison set out to rescue in the first place — Morgan’s daughter, Mo.”

Cheers for them for making it this long. The Walking Dead: World Beyond (2020/2021) only made it two seasons. If you saw the first episode, cheers to you for making it through the entire excruciating 45 minutes. Why? High schoolers. They failed because zombies ate their homework. And everything else.

Mars Attacks Halloween, Humanist Vampire, Science Date

Spirit Halloween™ might have just won Halloween 2023 with the release of a 6’5” Martian Warrior Animatronic you can put on your front lawn to scare trick-or-treaters off said Kentucky blue grass. That’s the good news. The bad news is, it’ll likely get stolen it’s so cool.

Here’s the product description — as if one is needed: “Earthlings beware – the first-ever life-size animatronic from Mars Attacks (1996) is flying into Spirit Halloween™ this season. Straight from the cult-classic Topps™ trading card series, the exclusive, officially-licensed Martian Warrior Animatronic will make any house look like it’s under an alien attack this Halloween. Standing at 6’5”, the Martian Warrior Animatronic comes to life with side-to-side movements of its signature enlarged head and an intergalactic space weapon that shoots mist to remind foes that it does not come in peace. Once he comes to life with his side-to-side head movement you better make sure you’re not in his cross-hairs or you might get zapped!”

The must-have Mars Attacks Martian Warrior Animatronic retails for $399.99 space bucks, which is reasonable on any planet. It’s on sale now at SpiritHalloween.com, so you might wanna grab it now by clicking this. And while you’re doing that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not keep trick-or-treaters off your lawn…

BAD THINGS / August 18, 2023 (AMC+™, Shudder™)

When a group of friends escape the city to spend the weekend in an abandoned hotel, a pervading eerie energy begins to illuminate the cracks in their little family unit. Ruthie Nodd inherits the hotel from her grandmother and with bad childhood memories threatening to burst to the surface, Ruthie wants to sell the hotel and never return. But her partner Cal drags her there in the hopes of returning it to its former glory. They are joined by their amiable friend Maddie and mysterious grifter Fran, whose unhinged seduction threatens to drive a wedge between the couple. As the friends dance, cook, flirt, and fight up and down the halls of the hotel, they begin to find themselves indelibly entwined in the hotel’s seductive embrace and start doing bad things to each other.”

They had me at unhinged seduction. They had me again at doing bad things to each other. 

HUMANIST VAMPIRE SEEKING CONSENTING SUICIDAL PERSON / September 2023 (VOD)

“Sasha, a young vampire, is too sensitive to kill people for blood, and finds a depressed young man willing to help with her problem. Two self-destructive teenagers, a vampire and a depressed teenager with no social skills, who are desperate to find their place in the world.”

I hereby nominate Humanist Vampire Seeking Consenting Suicidal Person as the movie title of the year. 

STAG / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An estranged friend invites Jenny to her bachelorette party, years after the two had a serious falling out. Amanda – the bride-to-be – felt betrayed in some way by Jenny, so much so that it ended their friendship…until now. However, when Jenny arrives at the party, she finds it to be hosted by two wealthy sisters: Amanda’s new best friends. While their animosity towards Jenny seems warranted at first, it soon becomes clear that something more ominous is afoot.”

Ominous is a foot? I thought it was more like a leg. 

PSYCHO SCIENCE / Pending crowdfunding 2023 (DVD, VOD)

“Mandy and Candy, two disenchanted girls fed up with the dating scene, find hope when their brilliant friend Simon unveils a groundbreaking invention. Simon’s creation has the power to materialize anything from pictures alone. Intrigued, the trio decides to use the invention to craft their ideal man, setting off a chain of unpredictable events. Reminiscent of the nostalgic ’80s classic Weird Science, blended with elements of horror, comedy, and a dash of slasher flair, Psycho Science promises an uproarious and chilling roller coaster that will captivate fans of multiple genres.”

In Weird Science (1985), two horny high school nerds create a super hot virtual woman using a computer, infusing her with everything they can conceive to make the perfect dream woman. My computer doesn’t do that. Crap.

6 Inches of Terror, Digital Death, Jackie The Ripper

NECA™, maker of fine horror toys, has three must-have figures coming out in August of 2023. Using an abacus (calculator that doesn’t need batteries or plugged in), I determined that to be a little less than six months from the date of this posting. (I’ll have to get back to you on today’s date — I think I broke my abacus while calculating last month’s bar tab.) NECA™, who previously brought us fun figurines like Elvira, Herbert West (Re-Animator), The Miner (My Bloody Valentine), Freddy Krueger (The Brady Bunch), Universal Monsters and measurable tons more, is adding Vampira, Svengoolie and Captain Spaulding to their vast inventory.

According to NECA’s™ addictive website: “Bring the fun of Saturday morning cartoons to your horror collection with the adorable little creeps of Toony Terrors, NECA’s™ line of stylized horror icons! Standing approximately 6” tall, the Series 8 action figure assortment includes Captain Spaulding (House of 1000 Corpses) with alternate head, Vampira with skull, and Svengoolie. Each figure comes in blister card packaging with a bonus cutout backdrop.” (Preorder here).

While we chuck once-cherished family heirlooms cluttering up valuable shelf space to make room for these under $20 figures, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have been made with a budget determined by a working abacus… 

GHOST WEBCAM / Available now (Tubi™)

“While under house arrest, Nate goes on a virtual date with a woman who appears to get murdered on camera. He needs to find out if it’s real or a hoax.”

Virtual dating seems so 2022. There are pros and cons, though, the best part being is when you get a data date to show you her binarys and you put your hardware into her software. Click and a promise.

THE GHOST WITHIN / March 17, 2023 (VOD)

“Margot revisits her family home, desperate to uncover who killed her sister Evie 20 years earlier. As she gets closer to the truth, Margot finds herself facing her deepest fears in the house that’s still haunted by Evie’s ghost.”

She died 20 years earlier and now you’re desperate to solve your sister’s murder? Sounds more like, “I’ll get around to it eventually, sis.”  

SLASHER: RIPPER / April 6, 2023 (Shudder™, AMC+™)

“Basil Garvey, a charismatic tycoon whose success is only rivaled by his ruthlessness, oversees a city on the cusp of a new century and a social upheaval that will see its streets run red with blood. There’s a killer stalking the mean streets, but instead of targeting the poor and downtrodden like Jack the Ripper, The Widow is meting out justice against the rich and powerful. The only person standing in the way of this killer is the newly promoted detective, Kenneth Rijkers, whose ironclad belief in justice may wind up being yet another victim of The Widow.”

Kinda like the bloodletting version of Robin Hood (1950). If The Widow is only going after the rich and powerful, I can safely leave my doors unlocked.

BROOKLYN 45 / Release pending 2023 (Shudder™)

“Friday, December 27, 1945. Five military veterans gather in the ornate parlour of a Brooklyn brownstone. Best friends since childhood, they’ve reunited to support their troubled host. But when his invitation for cocktails turns into an impromptu séance, the metaphoric ghosts of their past become all-too-literal. Trapped in their host’s lounge, the Greatest Generation now finds themselves put to one final test, with their only route to freedom being more bloodshed.”

Soldiers vs. Specters. Army vs. Apparitions. Platoon vs. Poltergeists. Brigade vs. Banshees. I could do this for another three minutes.

Vampire Counseling, Household Witches, Governmental Bigfoot

If you’re a full-blown bloodsucker or just a weekend creature of the night fashionista looking for spiritual advice, go no further than Maison Vampyre located in the historic heart of Salem, MA. It’s here you’ll experience personal or group psychic readings from members of the local Vampire community. Black attire is encouraged if you wanna be taken seriously.

A cornucopia of all things Dark, $15 – $65 by appointment only sessions include the Wolf Moon Ritual, Full Moon Ritual, Guided Meditations at Dark Mirror, Elemental Magick, and the sure to sell out Vampire Witch: A Weekend of Spiritual Alchemy, an immersive weekend of witchcraft, empowerment, and Vampyre Magick. 

From their website: “You will learn the basics of Spellcasting, Astrology, Protection Magick, Tarot, Energy Work, Ritual Set-up, Candle Magick, and will take part in a powerful Shadow Work journey. Skills learned throughout the weekend will be used in a group tarot circle, intuitive development practice, and an empowering group ritual to conclude the weekend.” This retreat takes place Friday, March 3, 2023, 6:00 PM through Sunday, March 5, 2023, 3PM (EST). It’s like getting a community college education for only $325.00. (Okay, that was redundant.)

While you book a session or the entire weekend (click the darkness), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not require you to seek counseling…

CRYPTID / Out now (VOD)

“When a local resident of a small town in Maine is brutally ripped apart, freelance journalist Max Frome suspects it might be something more than the authorities say it is. Teaming up with his photographer partner, Harriet, they’re convinced the local sheriff is on the wrong track as the details of each attack become more puzzling. As the attacks get closer, they charge forth dangerously, afraid they might be onto the story of the century. Can they prove their suspicions before it’s too late?”

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary (est. 1828) — a sort of menu for a word barf restaurant — defines “cryptid” thusly: “An animal (such as Sasquatch or the Loch Ness Monster) that has been claimed to exist but never proven to exist.” So the cryptid in this instance is indisputably a carnivorous penguin. Sorry for the spoiler. 

THE MAYFAIR WITCHES / JANUARY 8, 2023 (AMC+)

“A neurosurgeon discovers she is the unlikely heir to a family of witches. She must contend with a sinister presence that has haunted her family for generations.”

All witch families have two and sometimes three broom garages. So it stands to reason the sinister presence haunting them is a Swiffer™.

THE 3RD GUEST / January 23, 2023 (VOD)

“A husband and wife ghost-hunting team, still mourning the loss of their daughter, encounter her in their latest assignment.”

Family reunion — happy ending.

THE KIAMICHI PROJECT Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After losing her sister in a brutal attack as a teenager, Scout Rourke agrees to lead a team in the capture of a war machine that may or may not be linked to a legendary creature. In Scout’s heart, she is convinced she is hunting the same massive monster that shredded her sister before Rourke’s horrified eyes decades before. During the hunt, things turn deadly when it’s realized this particular beast is also under control of the U.S. government.”

Bigfoot works for the U.S. government? Why not? Decent pay, serving your country and getting all the federal holidays off — with pay.