Rubber Chicken Halloween, Horror Rhyming, Gobble Gore

Legendary TV horror host Svengoolie has a treat for you this Halloween. Premiering October 7, 2023 on MeTV™, he’s bringing three weeks of classic horror/sci-fi and more with Svengoolie’s Halloween BOOnanza! (The exclamation point is part of the title. If it wasn’t there, I would’ve added it.)

From MeTV’s™ press release: “We put the BOO! in BOOnanza with our movie line-up of fearsome Svengoolie features on MeTV™ Saturday nights,” said Rich Koz, aka Svengoolie. “We have killer clowns, Abbott & Costello and the much-requested original Kolchak movies, plus this year we will treat fans with a double feature of a bonus movie every Saturday night. And be sure to catch Halloween-themed blocks of scary episodes from MeTV’s™ classic TV portfolio all month and all across the schedule, including westerns, comedies and the one where Gilligan turns into a vampire!” 

That’s not all — the press release goes on to say that “in addition to all this spooktacular goodness, Svengoolie Uncrypted, the first-ever primetime special celebrating the beloved horror host will premiere on October 14.” Uncrypted — that’s pretty funny. Click here to get the complete programming.

So while we all go to MeTV.com™ and check to see where/how to get their broadcast signal, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not get the rubber chicken treatment (only true Svengoolie fans will get that reference)… 

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB / October 3, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“A radio host and her crew set out to discover the truth behind some disappearances for a true crime show. They will soon learn that there is far more to discover when they meet Mary and her lamb. Who will make it out alive of this house of horrors?”

More nursery rhyme horror. The guy who did this film also did the one below.

THREE BLIND MICE / October 17, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“Abi is going cold turkey; her family has taken her to a cabin in the woods so she can be away from the city and all her troubles. However, little do they know, The Three Blind Mice is more than just a fairy tale, and they may be next up on the menu.”

More nursery rhyme horror. The guy who did this film also did the one above.

THANKSGIVING / November 17, 2023 (Theaters)

“Thanksgiving is a 2023 American slasher horror feature film based on Eli Roth‘s faux trailer from the 2007 movie Grindhouse.”

Hopefully there’s more to it than that. Then again, Eli Roth made such enjoyable horror rom-coms as Cabin Fever (2002), Hostel (2005), Hostel: Part II (2007) and The Green Inferno (2013). P.S. Green Inferno is a super graphic cannibal film. It’s tough to digest. Heh. 

SWEET MEATS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Bobby Sweet is a country music legend and has been the world-renowned face of Sweet Meats since establishing his first restaurant with his wife in 1978. How did his restaurant take off so quickly and what makes the meat so darn sweet? Sometimes a ‘secret ingredient’ should stay that way. They always say, ‘You’d be disgusted if you knew what you were really eating!’ They might be right.”

I liked this better when it was called Motel Hell (1980).

Comic-al Horror Host, Death/Metal, Zombieverse

As horror TV hosts go, Svengoolie is one of the all-time greats, presenting old school horror/sci-fi classics with humor, deep knowledge, movie trivia, wack-o guests and, of course, hundreds of rubber chickens. You wouldn’t think rubber chickens were important, but they just are. And now you can feed your Svengoolie hunger with the release of Svengoolie Lost In Time comic books available now in comic book stores of all things. 

Some background: Lost in Time is a 48-page prestige comic featuring Svengoolie in his first full-length adventure. Written by Rich (Svengoolie) Koz, Jim Roche, and Chris Faulkner (the show’s creative team), the story features the untold origins of Svengoolie’s crazy cast of characters as an evil Svenbot tries to erase them all from existence. You can expect bad puns and silly jokes on every page, as Sven must go back in time to save Kerwyn, Tombstone, and Boddy Sorrell from a fate worse than old jokes. This book will surely please the series’ fans, young and old.”

Some more background: “Svengoolie has been the premier horror show icon of Chicago since the late 1970s, and has appeared on a national basis on MeTV™ every Saturday night since April 2011.” So while we click this to see how you can get MeTV™ in your neck ‘o the woods, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not feature important rubber chickens…

WELCOME TO HELL (Bienvenidos al Infierno) / Out now (Screambox™, DVD)

“Desperate to escape the dangerous and deadly leader of a satanic death metal band, mother-to-be Lucia moves to a remote cabin in the forest with her grandmother. Though safe in her surroundings, she is haunted by his memory and knows he will stop at nothing to track her down.”

This slick Argentinian metal horror movie has been on Screambox™ for a year, but now you can get it on DVD simply by clicking here. Isn’t technology neat?

ZOMBIEVERSE / August 8, 2023 (Netflix™)

The ultimate quest for survival begins this summer in Netflix’s™ Zombieverse, a first-of-its-kind horror reality series that unleashes the ravenous undead in Seoul, South Korea. Contestants are fighting for survival as Seoul comes under a zombie attack. To make the set more realistic, we involved the art team from All of Us Are Dead, while the zombies were trained by the choreographers of Kingdom.”

Fun concept — hope people get eaten alive as it’ll be good for ratings. And South Korea knows how to do zombies — watch Train To Busan (2016) and see one of the best zombie movies to be released in the last 10 years.

THE THING BEHIND THE DOOR / August 8, 2023 (VOD)

“A young woman is haunted by the death of her husband who was killed in a trench during World War I. Unable to accept the tragic loss, the young woman turns to black magic in the hopes of bringing her lover back. He comes back to haunt her in her dreams and asks to find an antique spell book that holds the formula to bring him back to life. Summoning magic from the druids, combining the forces of nature with her own blood, Adèle is obsessed by the potential return of her beloved husband. She ignores, as she performs the supernatural ceremony, that she becomes The Chosen One of a very ancient lineage of vegetal incubi, craving to perpetuate their race. What she resuscitates is a terrifying, unstoppable, and indestructible creature. A thing lurking behind the door, willing only to give Adèle the child that she was promised before the war.”

Sounds like the antique spell book she read was The Monkey’s Paw (1902).

APORIA / August 11, 2023 (Theaters)

“Since losing her husband in a drunk-driving accident, Sophie has struggled to manage crippling grief, a full-time job, and the demands of parenting her devastated teenage daughter. When her husband’s best friend, a former physicist, reveals he has been building a time-bending machine that could restore her former life, Sophie will be faced with an impossible choice — and unforeseeable consequences, posing the question. ‘If you had the ability to alter the past, would you?’”

They had me at time-bending machine, which is what I call my TV remote.

6 Inches of Terror, Digital Death, Jackie The Ripper

NECA™, maker of fine horror toys, has three must-have figures coming out in August of 2023. Using an abacus (calculator that doesn’t need batteries or plugged in), I determined that to be a little less than six months from the date of this posting. (I’ll have to get back to you on today’s date — I think I broke my abacus while calculating last month’s bar tab.) NECA™, who previously brought us fun figurines like Elvira, Herbert West (Re-Animator), The Miner (My Bloody Valentine), Freddy Krueger (The Brady Bunch), Universal Monsters and measurable tons more, is adding Vampira, Svengoolie and Captain Spaulding to their vast inventory.

According to NECA’s™ addictive website: “Bring the fun of Saturday morning cartoons to your horror collection with the adorable little creeps of Toony Terrors, NECA’s™ line of stylized horror icons! Standing approximately 6” tall, the Series 8 action figure assortment includes Captain Spaulding (House of 1000 Corpses) with alternate head, Vampira with skull, and Svengoolie. Each figure comes in blister card packaging with a bonus cutout backdrop.” (Preorder here).

While we chuck once-cherished family heirlooms cluttering up valuable shelf space to make room for these under $20 figures, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have been made with a budget determined by a working abacus… 

GHOST WEBCAM / Available now (Tubi™)

“While under house arrest, Nate goes on a virtual date with a woman who appears to get murdered on camera. He needs to find out if it’s real or a hoax.”

Virtual dating seems so 2022. There are pros and cons, though, the best part being is when you get a data date to show you her binarys and you put your hardware into her software. Click and a promise.

THE GHOST WITHIN / March 17, 2023 (VOD)

“Margot revisits her family home, desperate to uncover who killed her sister Evie 20 years earlier. As she gets closer to the truth, Margot finds herself facing her deepest fears in the house that’s still haunted by Evie’s ghost.”

She died 20 years earlier and now you’re desperate to solve your sister’s murder? Sounds more like, “I’ll get around to it eventually, sis.”  

SLASHER: RIPPER / April 6, 2023 (Shudder™, AMC+™)

“Basil Garvey, a charismatic tycoon whose success is only rivaled by his ruthlessness, oversees a city on the cusp of a new century and a social upheaval that will see its streets run red with blood. There’s a killer stalking the mean streets, but instead of targeting the poor and downtrodden like Jack the Ripper, The Widow is meting out justice against the rich and powerful. The only person standing in the way of this killer is the newly promoted detective, Kenneth Rijkers, whose ironclad belief in justice may wind up being yet another victim of The Widow.”

Kinda like the bloodletting version of Robin Hood (1950). If The Widow is only going after the rich and powerful, I can safely leave my doors unlocked.

BROOKLYN 45 / Release pending 2023 (Shudder™)

“Friday, December 27, 1945. Five military veterans gather in the ornate parlour of a Brooklyn brownstone. Best friends since childhood, they’ve reunited to support their troubled host. But when his invitation for cocktails turns into an impromptu séance, the metaphoric ghosts of their past become all-too-literal. Trapped in their host’s lounge, the Greatest Generation now finds themselves put to one final test, with their only route to freedom being more bloodshed.”

Soldiers vs. Specters. Army vs. Apparitions. Platoon vs. Poltergeists. Brigade vs. Banshees. I could do this for another three minutes.