Blood Rock, Ghost Slang, Apocalyptic Commute

The Bloodstone, a sort of snow cone for vampires, first appeared in the 1993 movie Bloodstone: Subspecies II. (“Bloodstone” is also a Judas Priest song from the Screaming For Vengeance 1982 heavy metal classic album. But I digress.) The Bloodstone oozes a never-ending supply of blood drippings and is coveted by the super icky vampire, Radu Vladislas. And now, thanks to FullMoonHorror.com, you can get a prop replica with which to mouth slather.

From the product description: “Now, the blood of the saints can be yours as Full Moon Horror presents The Bloodstone, snatched from Radu’s evil clutches and shipped directly to you. Harness the power of Subspecies with this stunning, limited edition scale replica, a must for all serious Full Moon™ collectors. Limited: 300 units. Statue: 7”L x 5”w x 8.5”h. Certificate of Authenticity (COA) signed by Charles Band and Ted Nicolaou. P.S. The Bloodstone scale prop replica sells for $299.95 and comes with batteries, but oddly no straw. Buy it here before Radu does.

For those not in the know about Radu, Subspecies and The Bloodstone, here’s what your life has been missing: “Continuing after the first Subspecies, a woman who has just become a vampire tries to escape the evil vampire, Radu, who seeks her as his love interest. But she has taken the vampire family’s Bloodstone, and now Radu must find her to get it back while her sister comes to Romania to save her soul.”

So while we all go to 7-Eleven™/Romania to buy a cherry snow cone to pretend it’s a Bloodstone because $299.95 is a lot to pay for a real one, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as delicious as a Romanian cherry snow cone/Bloodstone…

CALLING NURSE MEOW / Out now (VOD, DVD)

An adults-only anthology (11 shorts, six directors) based around Nurse Meow and her psychotic, sexual and murderous ways. Taking you into Medieval times, World War II, the 1970s and animated filth.

This dirty jewel came out in 2022, but you really had to wade through a lot of sewers to find it. There’s a lot of interesting stuff in sewers.

GHOST BABE / Out now (VOD)

“Taylor and his surfer buddies think they have struck gold when he inherits a Pacific Palisades mansion by the beach. But dreams of days spent riding waves and chasing girls come crashing down when they discover the mansion is haunted by the ghost of a 1930s starlet who derails their slacker lifestyle, sending them on a quest for retribution. Finding heart inside the horror, the guys set out on a mission to seek justice for their Ghost Babe.”

In 1930s speak, “babe” was what men called women. Also, broad, dame, doll, muffin and kitten. Today’s slang for a good-looking woman includes tomato, cupcake, honey and peach. Sounds more like grocery list than painfully dumb man-speak.

BAKEMONO / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“A gruesome creature waits for unsuspecting victims in a cheap Tokyo rental apartment.”

Bakemono is just wash-your-mouth-out-with-soap slang for Yokai, which is supernatural creatures and/or phenomena. Probably both. And the gruesome creature waiting for victims in a Tokyo apartment? That’s Yokai for “landlord.”

FURIOSA: A MAD MAX SAGA / May 24, 2024 (Theaters)

“Imperator Furiosa is a war captain under Immortan Joe but turns against him in order to free “The Five Wives”, Joe’s female concubines, or “breeders”. She meets Max Rockatansky during her journey and, despite initial hostility, the two become allies and team up to drive The Five Wives to a safe environment called The Green Place.”

A prequel to Mad Max: Fury Road (2015). That one was filled with spectacular car crashes, explosions and people dressed like they were Gwar band members. These days we call that a daily commute.

Wrestling With Horror, Vengeful Vampire, Rent-Collecting Monster

The Santos Sisters are comic book siblings who are turned into spicy superheroes after discovering a medallion that imbues them with spiciness. After gaining their powers, the Santos Sisters take on a variety snack pack of paranormal and, by nature, malevolent behavior inclined foes. And now you can vicariously experience life in their lucha wrestling masks with the release of the 48-page Santos Sisters Halloween Special comic book releasing October 18, 2023 by Floating World Publishing™. The cost? Why $6.66, of course!  

Setting the stage: “Ambar and Alana — the Santos Sisters — have magical powers. They’ve faced all sorts of supernatural threats in their hometown of Las Brisas. But this Halloween, a new evil is lurking in the shadows, and its not afraid to show itself. When the Santos Sisters are attacked by a group of masked figures, they know they need help. Luckily, their friends Cassie and Vlad, Mercy Sparx and the Gutt Ghost are all in town for the holiday.”

Unable to confirm if the Santos Sisters are related to El Santo — the legendary Mexican luchador enmascarado (“masked professional wrestler”), actor and folk hero, who appeared in 54 movies (and a series of massively popular comic books), battling vampires, werewolves, zombies, mad scientists, and even Dracula’s sister. And this is after pro wrestling matches with the Blue Demon, Mil Mascaras, Superzan, and the Wrestling Women. Maybe El Santo is their mother’s sister’s uncle.

So while we all rip the couch cushions apart for enough bit coin to buy/purchase the Santos Sisters Halloween Special comic book, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not feature breathtaking wrestling segments…

ISLAND ESCAPE / August 4, 2023 (Limited Theaters), August 8, 2023 (VOD)

“After a mysterious accident at a research camp on the Isle of Gran Manan, a CEO hires a team of blue-collar mercenaries to extract his daughter, a scientist working at the camp.”

Not enough to go on here. What were they researching on an island camp — AI monkey butlers? Shark-resistant tanning lotion? Tactical “beach-sand-in-the-butt-crack” dispersement systems? All of these, by the way, would make for a better plot. 

THE WRATH OF DRACULA / August 23, 2023 (VOD)

“The year is 1897. When her husband Jonathan disappears after traveling from England to Transylvania at the behest of the mysterious Count Dracula, Mina Harker journeys to Transylvania to find him. Upon her arrival, she finds a decimated village and one Van Helsing, who is hunting Count Dracula. Van Helsing begins training Mina in the art of vampire slaying, and the unlikely duo set off to rescue Jonathan from the Count and his brides and end Dracula’s reign of terror forever.”

Yeah, yeah — we all know the told over and over story. [Insert yawn here] And they could’ve tightened up the movie’s title by calling it, Wrathula.

BURNT PORTRAITS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“One night after hosting a party of influencers, one of the singers from the party awakens in the basement studio of a painter. Despite the unusual situation and the differences between the two, they form a sort of connection. However, once the singer tries to leave, things take a creepy turn in an already weird situation.”

I host parties all the time for influencers: Budweiser™, Jack Daniels™, Tequila™, Louis XIII™ cognac — and Goofy Grape™ powdered drink mix…to cleanse the palate. 

BAKEMONO / Release pending crowdfunding (2023/2024)

“A gruesome creature waits for unsuspecting victims in a cheap Tokyo rental apartment.”

Gruesome creature = landlord. Heh. This one is said to feature all practical FX and no CGI and told out-of-order like Memento (2000) and Pulp Fiction (1994). FYI: I’ve been living my life out-of-order like a broken vending machine.