Flipper vs. Jaws, Murder Ghosts, Wealthy Vampires

Jaws is the most famous shark in the world and since 1975 has been a marketing whale, spawning an ocean of tee-shirts, toys, models, modern art, bedding, snacks, beach towels, bathing suits, throw pillows, shower curtains and lunch boxes (filled with human sandwiches, perhaps?), and is ground zero for the hundreds of shark movies water-skiing on his legacy. And thanks to Stern Pinball™, Jaws’ marketing bite radius now extends to themed pinball machines. Yes, that was plural — there are three upcoming Jaws pinball machines. So yeah, three reasons to keep reading.

The sales pitch: “Stern Pinball, Inc.™ announces their newest pinball games featuring Jaws, one of the most iconic motion picture thrillers of all time from Universal Pictures and Amblin Entertainment. Players will experience all four blockbuster Jaws films like never before, with brand-new mechanical features inspired by iconic movie moments and state-of-the-art technology. Jaws pinball games are available in Pro, Premium, and Limited Edition (LE) models.”

“Tension mounts as you see ‘blood in the water’ from our animated lighting effects. Fire pinballs at the motorized ‘Shark Fin’ target swimming across the playfield. Anticipation builds as you navigate the ‘Orca Boat’ upper playfield, featuring a ‘Lookout Tower’ ramp, a ship’s wheel horizontal spinner on the deck, and a ‘Radio” stand-up target to call for help. Lookout — motorized custom sculpted ‘Great White Shark’ bash toy comes crashing through the bottom of a fishing boat, terrorizing players in this thrilling pinball odyssey! In addition to immersive film and audio assets integrated into pinball action, Jaws includes custom speech by actor Richard Dreyfuss and the iconic movie theme music by John Williams.”

Horror movie-themed pinball machines are not new and I’ve covered a few of ’em here. (I seem to be obsessed with horror/sci-fi movie pinball machines, for some reason possibly related to unchaperoned beer consumption and a need to purge my pockets of laundry/tip change). But a Jaws pinball machine fulfills one of several of my pinball wish list entries, which includes Planet of the Apes, Barbarella and Deep Throat. Ahem.

So while we list our family heirlooms on eBay™ to generate enough folding funds to preorder one of the limited-to-1,000 Jaws pinball machines ($6,999 to $12,999 — click this), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your brain tilt…

EVIL SUBLET / Out now (VOD)

“A New York couple that knowingly moves into a haunted apartment because the rent is cheap. But when having murderous ghosts as roommates becomes too much for them, their lives soon depend on escaping the evil of their sublet.”

Having murderous ghosts as roommates might be okay if they pay their share of the rent and label their victim’s leftover corpses in the fridge.

EVERWINTER NIGHT / Out now (VOD)

“Lifelong best friends Maddy and V’s plans for a relaxing vacation are hijacked by Maddy’s college clique. They soon find themselves at a remote ski lodge where a group of mysterious wealthy men throw a celebration, centuries in the making.”

An epic party and I wasn’t invited? Those mysterious wealthy men/vampires are dicks.

DEPARTING SENIORS / February 2, 2024 (VOD)

“Mexican-American and queer, high school student Javier doesn’t exactly fit in with the popular kids. But he might be the only one who can save them. After an act of bullying sends Javier to the hospital, he begins experiencing visions that foresee glimpses of shocking murders at his school right before they happen. Now, in between navigating the social hierarchies and prejudices of clique culture, Javier and his best friend Bianca must try to unmask a serial killer before he strikes again.”

Apparently, serial killers are the least challenging thing about surviving high school.

LONGLEGS / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“FBI Agent Lee Harker is assigned to an unsolved serial killer case that takes unexpected turns, revealing evidence of the occult. Harker discovers a personal connection to the ruthless killer and must stop him before he strikes again.”

If a serial killer is forced to stop doing his/her job, how is he/she gonna pay the rent? Given a serial killer’s inherent people skills, maybe a career in Human Resources…or the post office.

Poisonous Pinball, Moon Mishap, Deathless Crocodile

Stern Pinball, known for their Godzilla pinball machine, has just announced a Venom themed pinball machine. For those living under a couch cushion, the alien symbiotic lifeform Venom is a Spider-Man foe and the star of Venom (2018) and Venom: Let There Be Carnage (2021), wherein the said garbage disposal voice symbiote absorbs with investigative journalist Eddie Brock and eats criminals’ heads. While that may or may not be a bonus level on the pinball machine, it’s nice to see antiheroes get a little coin-operated love.

From the press release: “Set to debut at San Diego Comic-Con — running from July 19 to July 23 — the pinball machine features more than 20 characters from Venom‘s side of the Marvel universe, including Eddie Brock, Flash Thompson, Gwen Stacy, Peter Parker, Black Suit Spider-Man, Miles Morales, Riot, Agony, Lasher, Phage, Doppelganger, Venomized Hulk, Venomized Wolverine, and Venomized Captain America. The cabinet is adorned with hand-drawn comic style art by Zombie Yeti’s Jeremy Packer and features music by Mark Tremonti.”

FYI: You’re gonna need a LOT of quarters to own and play the Venom pinball machine. There are three separate editions: Pro, Premium, and Limited Edition, which cost $6,999.00, $9,699.00, and $12,999.00, respectively. Sayin’ bye-bye to my horribly underfunded 401k.

As such, I’m no good at pinball. Every time I play a pinball machine, I tilt. Then again, whenever I drink refreshing adult beverages, I tilt as well. So while we go to the San Diego Comic-Con to show off our pinball wizardry, here are a few up coming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not had a budget about the same as a horribly underfunded 401k…

THE MOON / August 2, 2023 (Theaters/Korea), Release pending 2023 US (VOD)

“In 2030 the manned lunar exploration project has progressed considerably. Astronaut Hwang Seon-woo ends up stranded on the Moon alone in space beyond 384,000km due to an accident on the lunar surface, and Kim Jae-guk, the former head of the space center, must desperately try to save him.”

I liked this better when it was called The Martian (2015).

IMMORTAL SPECIES / September 21, 2023 (Thailand), US release pending 2023

“Chalawan, an herbal plant, is sent to Nava, a senior botanical student. Wishing to learn about the origin of this rare plant, he sets up a team of friends to travel through the jungles of the west where encounter a massive man-eating crocodile.”

I liked this better when it was called Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004).

PET SEMATARY: BLOODLINES / October 6, 2023 (Paramount+™)

“In 1969, a young Jud Crandall has dreams of leaving his hometown of Ludlow, Maine behind, but soon discovers sinister secrets buried within and is forced to confront a dark family history that will forever keep him connected to Ludlow. Banding together, Jud and his childhood friends must fight an ancient evil that has gripped Ludlow since its founding, and once unearthed has the power to destroy everything in its path.”

A prequel. Didn’t see that coming. When the original Pet Sematary came out (1983), I thought it’d be cool to be buried in that place and then come back super evil. With my luck, though, I’d probably come back super nice. And that just won’t do. 

THE BECOMERS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A body-snatching alien who comes to Earth, reconnects with its partner, and tries to find their way in modern America.”

Okay, weird. I like the body-snatching part, but finding their way in Modern America is something we’ve all been trying to do — and not with much success.