X-Rated Werewolf, Yeti Puppet, Space Snake

Werewolf By Night fans — lift your Nair™ martinis in unison…Marvel Comics™ is rebooting Werewolf by Night with a brand new red band comic book series. And if you don’t know the reference, red band means explicit content. (I have a birthmark that says that.) This is fantastic news for fans of hyper-graphic gore and the heavy metal enthusiasm it takes to embody said gore.

As reported by Bloody-Digusting.com™, “Labeled with a Parental Advisory and poly-bagged to keep those weak of heart from experiencing its intensity, Werewolf by Night will mark a new chapter in the character’s 50-year storytelling history as Jack gets his claws, fangs, and fur blood-soaked like never before!” Bold statements from the comic book creators promise “a book full of intense action and lots of blood.” Just reading that made my mouth water all over my stylish Old Navy™ shirt.

So while we rewatch the Disney+™ Werewolf By Night movie (black and white/color) and the arrival of Werewolf By Night #1 on August 14, 2024, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stain your Old Navy™ clothing…

REFUGE / April 19, 2024 (Limited Theaters, VOD)

Sergeant Rick Pedroni returns home to his wife changed and dangerous after suffering an attack by a mysterious force during combat in Afghanistan on his tour of duty.”

Probably dysentery.

THE PRIMEVALS / August 7, 2024 (Blu-ray, VOD)

“Deep in the Himalayas, a group of Sherpas subdue and kill a towering humanoid creature. Its remains — including a brain that appears to have undergone some kind of surgery — wind up under the supervision of Dr. Claire Collier, who believes it to be one of the legendary Yeti. Joined by her former student Matt Connor, a longtime believer in the creatures’ existence, big-game hunter Rondo Montana, and others, Dr. Collier leads an expedition into the mountains to track down more of the abominable snowmen. Their trek results in an encounter with a tribe of primitive hominids — which in turn leads to the far more frightening discovery of beings they never could have expected or imagined.”

Couple ‘o things — this project has been in the works for 20 years. The Australian Blu-ray version (Full Moon™ will come out with its own) comes with two different cuts of the stop-motion film and a feature-length documentary, as well as a bunch of extras, none of which includes a coherent plot. 

SSSSSTONER SNAKE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Golimar, an alien from the Planet Scumdoggia, happens to have the appearance of a snake. When his ship crash lands on Terra 420, after an altercation with space police, he searches for a way to get back home. During his adventure, Golimar stumbles upon a man smoking marijuana, who blows the smoke in his face. This unfortunately mutates his DNA, which causes him to become a bloodthirsty killer.”

Did the snake-face alien really mutate or was it just the mind-altering effects of the jazz cabbage? In this context, this isn’t a gateway drug — it’s a Stargateway drug.

TEDDISCARE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A young man spirals into insanity after his father’s death. He lapses into childish nightmares that bring his fears to adult life. The mind can be deadly, but toys can be killer.”

My childhood nightmares already came true. Turning 21, I freely forfeited my soul and journeyed into the Tug Tavern, aka, the Seventh Layer of Hell. It’s here after you choke down a freshness-expired hot dog covered in condiments in plastic packs shoplifted from a bowling alley, you make your way to the bathroom. And this is where you’ll hear great sorrow moanings and gnashing of teeth coming from within the toilet stall portal-potties. At this point consider yourself biblically unredeemable.

Kill In A Can, The Horror of Neighbors, Colorized Werewolves

Let’s say you’re a horror movie serial killer and you have a long night of ridding the world of annoying social media dumbf*cks, and you just don’t have enough gas left to get the job done. You need G Fuel’s™ Hack ‘N’ Slash Fruit Punch, a new Friday the 13th-themed energy drink. And with 140 mg of caffeine in every Jason-emblazoned 16 oz. can, you can load the tank with spank and take slaughtering to new heights.

From G Fuel™: “Inspired by the legendary Friday the 13th franchise and featuring artwork of slasher icon Jason Voorhees himself, Hack ‘N’ Slash Fruit Punch is a chilling combination of grapefruit, lime, orange, lemon, passion fruit, tangerine, and blood orange, and is formulated to help you get the game-changing energy boost you need to make your escape!” P.S. The liquidation liquid has vitamins, antioxidants and zero sugar.

So while you scrounge up $31.99 for a case of this killer juice, which comes in seven flavors (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not put some steam in your swing…

MONSTERS OF CALIFORNIA / October 6, 2023 (VOD) December 5, 2023 (DVD)

“After discovering research left behind by a missing government agent, Dallas Edwards and his misfit high school friends embark on a righteous and dangerous adventure to uncover a paranormal conspiracy in Southern California that brings them face-to-face with some of the government’s most guarded mysteries.”

This one was co-written by Tom DeLonge of Blink-182 fame. T-DeLonge is also an outspoken believer in aliens, UFOs, and conspiracy theories, even producing the 2019 History Channel™ television show Unidentified: Inside America’s UFO Investigation about the USS Nimitz UFO incident. Rock ’n roll and UFOs — the man knows how to multitask.

V/H/S/85 / October 6, 2023 (Shudder™)

“The found footage franchise is returning with the sixth installment so get ready to journey back to the ‘80s.”

Found footage is equivalent to picking up scraps of paper with random people scribblings and making a book out of ’em.

JOHN CARPENTER’S SUBURBAN SCREAMS / October 13, 2023 (Peacock™)

“The six-episode unscripted anthology series explores the dark secrets and unspeakable evil that sometimes lurks beneath the surface of the sun-drenched streets, manicured lawns and friendly neighbors of suburbia. Each episode focuses on one true tale of terror, told by the real people who lived through it. Their firsthand accounts are brought to life through premium cinematic scene-work, news clips, home photos and archival footage, combining the visual language of horror films with the tools and techniques of documentaries, creating a uniquely frightening experience for viewers.”

And why am I not in this anthology? I live through pure neighborhood terror all the time. For instance, being woken from ancient hangover slumber by exhaust-spewing motorcycle revvings right outside my bed chambers. (I’m looking in your direction, Darnell.)

WEREWOLF BY NIGHT IN COLOR / October 20, 2023 (Disney+), October 31, 2023 (Hulu™)

“Werewolf by Night was initially released on Disney+™ on October 7, 2022. Based on the character created by Roy Thomas, Jeanie Thomas, Gerry Conway, and Mike Ploog who first appeared in 1972’s Marvel Spotlight #2, the special was written by Heather Quinn and Peter Cameron.”

Yep, already covered this last year. Back then it was in black and white, which was pretty atmospheric and spooky cool. Now it’s being released in color. Yet another excuse to bark at the moon. As if we need one.

All American Werewolf, Death Sex, Hoser Horror

Werewolf Captain America. That has to be one of the coolest sentences ever. To make it even better — if that’s even possible, Werewolf Captain America is returning for a new Marvel Comics™ limited series: Capwolf & The Howling Commandos. And that’s the second coolest sentence ever. (Howling Commandos — man, that’s comedy gold.)

Here’s what Marvel™ would’ve told me about the comic if they’d just pick up the @#$% phone. Sure, I call them A LOT, but c’mon man — throw me a bone: “When Captain America is transformed into a werewolf on the front lines of World War II, he’ll need the help of the Howling Commandos to take down a band of Nazi cultists who intend to use supernatural forces to turn the tide of battle. But can Cap control the skeptical, jaded Commandos when he can barely control himself?”

Freakin’ awesome. So just how did Captain America become a werewolf? That super mean Dr. Nightshade injected him with a serum created from Jack Russell, the Werewolf by Night’s DNA, back in the 1990s. Again, freakin’ awesome. And come October 11, 2023, Capwolf & The Howling Commandos #1 goes on sale. So while we bark at the moon until then, here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you grow hair in places there was no hair before…

REPULSE / Out now (Screambox™)

“Kateřina and Robert raise their young daughter in a luxurious modern villa, but their family life can hardly be called harmonious. In contrast, Viktor lives with his mother in a semi-dilapidated house in a remote area, but their family relationships are no healthier – albeit in a very different way.”

The had me at semi-dilapidated house. That said, I still have no idea what this “horror” movie is about. 

THE SACRIFICE GAME / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“It’s bad enough that boarding school students Samantha and Clara can’t go home for the holidays, but things take a deadly turn when a gang of cult killers arrives on their doorstep — just in time for Christmas.”

They should’ve called this Homicidal for the Holidays. Fantasia describes The Sacrifice Game as “a gripping and stylish ‘70s-set chiller involving school girls, power-mad killers and occult prophecy,” filled with both “gore and lore.” You have my attention.

CHEAT / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

On the surface it’s believed to be another urban legend — a supernatural being from the afterlife is violently killing anyone who cheats on their significant other in the small college town of Silvercreek, Pennsylvania. When Maeve — a female college student — sleeps with Charlie, the married man of the host family she is staying with, both sense the deadly curse is closing in on them. It all comes undone, however, as several people are horrifically killed by the savage being at a rapid pace. Maeve, Charlie and the few survivors band together in an attempt to defeat the monster once and for all.”

Killed by sex. If we didn’t have that, we wouldn’t have any horror movies.

LES CHAMBRES ROUGES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“The trial for Ludovic Chevalier — ‘the Demon of Rosemont’ — is underway in the courts of Montreal, Quebec, for the horrific acts he is being accused of. Chevalier’s crimes involve kidnapping, confinement against one’s will, sexual abuse causing physical harm, murder and dismembering cadavers upon three teenage girls. To add to these atrocities, he livestreamed everything in what is being called ‘Red Rooms,’ where shady individuals can pay large amounts of money to be a part of the virtual audience.”

A Canadian snuff film. That’s brutale. And how does a shady person pay to watch these actes horribles? Bitcoin or dollar Canadien? Or does the Demon of Rosemont take Venmo™ or Cash App™? They seem to be leaving out some important plot de détails.