Resin-ating Horror, Earthquakes Rock, Vampire Cows

Thalassophobia — an ancient Greek term not related to yogurt — is the persistent and intense fear of deep bodies of water, such as the ocean, seas, or lakes. (I myself have accute Urophobia, which is triggered by public swimming pools.) Japanese artist Thalasso hobbyer (clever) makes resin dioramas that really do a number on your Thalassophobic mind, with mythical underwater creatures like giant prehistoric fish, whales and sharks coming up from the depths to fulfill their dietary needs.

A review of Thalasso hobbyer’s art: “He’s gotten a lot of praise for masterfully crafted diorama depicting a mysterious seaside shrine on a cliff, with a whale-like creature emerging from the depths of the ocean. When viewed from the side, you can see how expertly Thalasso hobbyer is able to recreate the sense of unknown expanse in the ocean.” If you want to know how he creates these resin dioramas, there’s a fascinating step-by-step guide on YouTube™, but only if you click here.

Speaking of YouTube™, there’s a number of really unsettling Thalassophobia videos of…things…from the deep coming to the surface and/or underneath us while we’re hanging out in the middle of the ocean with no land OR 7-Eleven™ in sight. If you’re ever caught in that situation, not even Aquaman and/or Prince Namor can save you.

So while we all keep our swimsuit area as far the f*ck away from all things deep sea and dog paddle in oceans of Keystone Lager™, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not cause you to pollute the water…

CONTINENTAL SPLIT / June 29, 2024 (Tubi™)

“As the New Madrid Fault threatens to tear the USA in two, a desperate team of seismologists and government agents race to prevent disaster while the clock ticks down. Meanwhile, the team faces not only natural calamities but also human-made challenges, making their task even more daunting.”

It’s actually called the New Madrid Seismic Zone, a major seismic area and prolific source of intraplate earthquakes (earthquakes within a tectonic plate) in the Southern and Midwestern United States, stretching to the southwest from New Madrid and Missouri. I looked it up because apparently I had nothing else to do. 

PETER PAN’S NEVERLAND NIGHTMARE / October 2024 (VOD)

“Wendy Darling strikes out in an attempt to rescue her brother Michael from the clutches of the evil Peter Pan. Along the way she meets Tinkerbell who, in this twisted version of the story, will be seen taking heroin, convinced that it’s Pixie Dust.”

In the Disney™ version of Peter Pan, where this movie exploits that movie’s public domain status, Pixie Dust is a magical golden glitter-like powder that grants the abilities of flight and “happy feelings.” Today’s street value is about $9.86 an ounce. Just ask any Tinkerbell meth-head.

THE SHIZZLY GRARK / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A new cryptid, identified as half grizzly bear and half shark beast, is terrorizing the U.S. This mockumentary interviews several key witnesses and attack survivors before local filmmakers head into the monster’s prime stomping grounds in hopes of capturing it on video. Unfortunately, their bodies have yet to be discovered.”

Like Whalewolf, Sharktopus and Pteracuda, I’m down with these Dr. Moreau mash-ups. But c’mon — pay someone more than $1.50 to do your movie poster.

DAYLIGHT TO DARK / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A brother and sister are stranded in an isolated town filled with vampires and meet a cowboy vampire hunter who aims to slay them.”

Shouldn’t cowboy vampire hunters be cattle-driving vampire cows? The milk that comes out of those things is pure evil, more so when poured on Count Chocula™ cereal. You got that joke, right?

Wall Shark, Crime Penguins, Assembling Monsters

Styrofoam artist and sculptor Richard Riley creates horror/sci-fi art/furniture/Halloween props/signs, and his portfolio gallery includes a Batman coffee table, a Pacific Rim Jaeger arm, a full-size Jabba the Hutt, and even 1930s King Kong lawn furniture. But it’s his scaled-proportionate Jaws head that’s jaws-droppingly cool. That’s the good news. The bad news is he made it for a client and it’s not for sale. Now what am I supposed to hang over the TV — a giant Styrofoam clam? I think not.

Richard documented the Jaws head making process as shown above, using a combination of both the four-foot and two-foot bow cutters as well as an industrial router to sculpt the shape and details of the shark. Says Sir Riley, “This is not just a standard replica of a shark — the animated prop from the movie had some unique features not found on a regular shark, such as the jowls which were used to cover the hinge mechanism.” There is no part of that sentence I did not like.

So while you click this to see more of Richard’s fantastical Styrofoam art, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not look good above — or on — your TV…

JOKER: FOLIE À DEUX / October 4, 2024 (Theaters)

“A sequel to the 2019 film Joker. Joaquin Phoenix reprises his role as the DC Comics™ character the Joker, and Lady Gaga plays Harley Quinn. The Joker is a mentally ill, impoverished former party clown and stand-up comedian disregarded by society, whose history of physical and mental abuse caused him to become a nihilistic criminal with a clown-inspired persona.”

There have been six actors who’ve played Batman’s greatest foe/muse/BFF in movies/TV. Additionally, the Joker has appeared in 31 animated movies/video games. No one knows how many times the Joker has appeared in comic books. Except Batman.

THE PENGUIN / Fall 2024 (Max™)

Following the events of The Batman, Oswald Cobblepot, aka The Penguin, makes a play to grab the reigns of the crime world in Gotham.”

The character of Penguin was a breakout star of The Batman (2022), which is why he was awarded an eight-episode series. There’s four actors who’ve played The Penguin in TV/movies and 13 who’ve been the voice of The Penguin in cartoon/animated movies/video games. No one knows how many times The Penguin has appeared in comic books. Except Batman.

YOU SHALL NOT SLEEP TONIGHT / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A boy is haunted by terrifying nightmares where a monster lurks inside the closet. To his relief, his father appears in the middle of the night helping him to face his fears. But the boy will begin to question the true nature of these apparitions, having to face the truth about his father’s destiny and the evil force that threatens to consume him.”

There are dozens of horror movies with monster-inhabited closets. The monster in my closet, though, is my expanding collection of rock/horror black t-shirts. Closing in on 150, this monster has already consumed my soul. And I’m okay with that.

POOHNIVERSE: MONSTERS ASSEMBLE / Release pending 2025 (VOD)

“From Jagged Edge Productions™ and ITN Studios™, the makers of Winnie-The-Pooh: Blood and Honey 1 & 2, bring you a new cinematic world titled, The Twisted Childhood Universe. The new chilling cinematic universe will feature previously announced stand-alone films Bambi: The Reckoning, Peter Pan’s Neverland Nightmare and Pinocchio Unstrung and introduce new characters such as Sleeping Beauty, The Mad Hatter, and Rabbit from Winnie-The-Pooh: Blood and Honey. All of these characters will culminate in the upcoming film Poohniverse: Monsters Assemble in 2025 when the monsters join forces to take down the world.”

Poohniverse. There’s a joke in there somewhere. Poohniverse: Monsters Assemble is a tongue-in-upper/lower cheek take on Marvel’s™ Avengers Assemble animated TV series (2012 — 2019). Maybe that’s the joke, because it certainly wouldn’t be the movie. Ahem.