Monster Boat, UFO Lyft, Shark Sham

It’s called Pangeos, a Kaiju-sized, solar-powered floating city that can hold 60,000 people and sail indefinitely around the world with no emissions. The same cannot be said for Gamera and/or Godzilla, as emissions or “radioactive bodily discharges,” are part of their weapons arsenal. With those kinds of stats, though, no one should get sticker shock at the vessel’s “eight years to build, $8 billion to make” price tag.

From Lazzarini Design Studio’s website, the designers behind this staggering monolithic concept: “Pangeos is named in honor of the Pangea super-continent that existed millions of years ago during the late Paleozoic and early Mesozoic eras.” I didn’t understand a word of that. But Lazzarini, whose name sounds like an expensive Italian cocktail garnished with a bread stick, says the colossal catamaran “is a mix between a five-star resort, a cruise ship and a city, and can accommodate as many as 60,000 guests via a combination of villas and apartments. Other highlights include a rooftop mall, sprawling gardens, several pools and a supersized beach club. Naturally, the yacht is fitted with helipads, hangars and marinas to store choppers, toys and tenders.” Naturally. 

The boat is obviously inspired by Pacific Rim’s (2013) Jaegers (gigantic humanoid mechas — “To beat monsters, we had to build monsters”). As such, the Gamera-shaped floating city that can hold tens of thousands of screaming citizens, is a next-level boat, referred to as a Teryacht, which could easily be a name of a new Godzilla foe (or “nemesis”). Heck, the gargantuan gondola is so big, it could host at least 100 Gyaos on Spring Break.

In rough seas, the next sound you’ll hear is 60,000 people throwing up in unison. So while we wait for Pangeos to be built, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need Dramamine™ to watch…

MISSING 411: THE UFO CONNECTION / December 13, 2022 (VOD)

“In his third documentary, David Paulides reveals the first evidence documenting a link between UFOs and missing people.”

They’re not missing — they did a UFO ride-share to get off this toilet Earth. 

LULLABY / December 16, 2022 (VOD)

“A new mother discovers a lullaby in an ancient book and soon regards the song as a blessing. But her world transforms into a nightmare when the lullaby brings forth the ancient demon Lilith.”

All the really good lullabies are found in ancient books. That’s why they’re so in popular with new mothers. They get ‘em at ScaryMommy.com. Bet you didn’t know that’s a real website.

WATCHDOG / release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After narrowly escaping an armed robbery, Travis Wilkes invites the drifter who saved him back to the isolated home where he and his girlfriend reside, not realizing that he’s opened the door to a night of terror and brutal revenge.”

You want a night of brutality and terror, open the door to the Tug Tavern.

SHARK TRAP / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

Every summer, the little island town of Ocean Point stirs with new life and pleasure-seeking vacationists. A water park is opening against the wishes of the local islanders. Nefarious business dealings leave a dead body in the water — and it draws a shiver of sharks to the area. The amusement park becomes a feeding ground for a great white shark.”

I thought a feeding ground WAS an amusement park for a shark. Given the over-chewed plot, clearly this is a shark movie made by people who’ve never seen a shark movie.

Godzilla’s Butt, Storm In A Box, Stuffed Terror

If you did/didn’t see Shin Godzilla (2016), you’ll still have a gnawing urge to buy the insanely detailed  “frozen” Godzilla action model, complete with that awesome mutated tail. (Note: If you didn’t see Shin Godzilla, please unread the previous sentence as it will spoil your TV dinner.)

Bandai™ is selling said model/action figure/occasional table guardian in July, 2018 (I don’t know when that is) and the SH MonsterArts design will set you back $132.00 U.S. bit coins, though there is no North America release date scheduled. This means you’ll have to fly to Japan, get a hotel, take a taxi to the nearest toy store, buy the model, go back to the hotel and drink up all the mini-bar beverages, and fly all the way back home and build a nightstand shrine for it. Or you can order it online. Whatev.

While you pack your suitcase (leave room for some duty-free saki purchasable at the Narita Airport), here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that probably don’t rent for $132.00…

DOOMSDAY DEVICE (available now)
“Two FBI agents trying to arrest several crooks who find an ancient Japanese artifact of enormous power. Now, they must stop the crooks from delivering the stone to the criminal mastermind, who is a rich businessman.”

They don’t tell you what the “enormously powerful” stone does, but looking at the key art, it appears to control the weather. Wish I could do that. If so, I’d make it rain on everybody’s parade except mine. Now that I think of it, maybe I’ll make it purple rain. And it’ll stain like nobody’s business.

ATLANTIC RIM RESURRECTION (available now)
“Mech-bots, with even bigger and badder weapons than their predecessors, attempt to stop bio-mechanical monsters from descending on LA. But the monsters are stronger, leaving the pilots of the mech-bots scrambling to defeat the creatures.”

Could’ve predicted this one without the help of those 1-800 psychics. Once AGAIN The Asylum is cashing in on someone else’s intellectual property to make a cheap knock-off and a quick buck. Atlantic Rim Resurrection, of course, is the sequel to Atlantic Rim (2013), which “borrowed” from Pacific Rim, and now Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018), the upcoming sequel, as well. Be careful walking by Asylum’s offices; if they look out the window and see what you’re wearing, by the time you get to the end of the block, the staff will all be dressed exactly like you.

ALPHA GATEWAY (available now)
“A particle physicist grieving over the loss of her husband in a car crash travels to a parallel world to find him again, with dire consequences for her family.”

Um, is this not a main part of the story arc of CW’s hit TV series, The Flash? Every time Barry Allen, oops, I mean the Flash (dang — I just gave away his secret identity) travels either forward or backward in time, he messes up everyone’s chi. Also, this plot takes liberty from The Butterfly Effect (2004). But if you’ve been traveling back and forth in time, you already knew that.

TEDDY BEARS ARE FOR LOVERS (2018/2019)
“During a college-wide Valentine’s Day party, a 20-something Casanova is targeted by a group of blood thirsty, adorable Teddy Bears seeking revenge for the hearts he has broken, and must confront his ex-girlfriends to break the curse.”

Bloodthirsty Teddy Bears. So this is what the bottom of the idea barrel looks like.

Alien Juice, Space Horses, Jedi Jamboree

An Alien Punch Fountain. Two thoughts: Why didn’t I think of that, and where can I get this thing right the heck now?

So the nutty geniuses over at Neatoco sculpted a Xenomorph (modeled after the one in Alien/1979) from the belly button up, ran a tube up places where tubes probably shouldn’t go if you’re a human, pumped Green Berry Rush™ (made by Hawaiian Punch™) through it, and presto — an Alien Punch Fountain! FYI — Green Berry Rush™ looks like a cross between real Alien acid blood spit and Prestone Antifreeze™. Wonder if it tastes like a cocktail of said handy fluids?

So can Neatoco get this thing licensed and put into production so I finally have something to spend my homemade bit coins on? I threw a few into a virtual wishing well in hopes they will.

Until that happens, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not have you gushing up green stuff…

DON’T SLEEP (September 29, 2017/limited/VOD)
“Young lovers Shawn and Zach find the perfect home to rent, with friendly couple Mr. and Mrs. Marino as their landlords. Their future seems bright until Zach begins to experience nightmares of his hellish past. These memories, once erased by electroshock therapy, slowly return, causing Zach to question his sanity. As he struggles with his psychosis, strange things start happening at the house. The threats become increasingly deadly and Zach must face the reality that the problem is no longer in his psychology. Once the threat of psychotic behavior turns into the possibility of demonic possession, Zach is confronted with a horrific reality he never could before have imagined.”

I always wanted to try electroshock therapy. Not that I need it or anything. It just sounds kinda fun. Might beat sticking my fingers in a wall socket, anyway. That loses its appeal real quick.

THE SHAPE OF WATER (December 8, 2017)
“In 1963, a mute janitor and her colleague work in a government laboratory and eventually discover an amphibious man in a water tank. The janitor, out of loneliness, befriends the creature.”

This might be Guillermo Del Toro’s (the guy behind Hellboy/2004, Pan’s Labyrinth/2006, Pacific Rim/2013, and all those Hobbit movies), alternate take on Creature From The Black Lagoon (1954), which he was supposed to remake. I e-heard that one washed up on shore. Del Toro probably decided to make something similar since he had all that movie water laying around and figured he’d put it to good use.

STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI (December 15, 2017)
“Having taken her first steps into a larger world in Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015), Rey continues her epic journey with Finn, Poe and Luke Skywalker in the next chapter of the saga.”

YET ANOTHER Star Wars movie. I’ve only been an occasional fan for one simple reason — the “license to print money” sci-fi franchise is the same movie, over and over. It’s always The Imperial Forces trading laser punches with The Rebellion, the Wile E. Coyote vs. The Road Runner of the cosmos. Lots of resistance brawling, the blowing up of future stuff, templated characters with cartoon personalities (see last sentence), and space horses called “Tauntauns.” Before they went all metro and started mopping their bathroom floors after 30 years, you could get the same thing at The Poggie Tavern at last call. P.S. Star Wars: Episode IX, YET ANOTHER one, is scheduled for May 24, 2019.

PUPPET KILLER (2018)
“Years after the mysterious disappearance of his stepmother, Jamie and his friends return to his family’s cabin that holds a very dark secret for a Christmas getaway, but the holidays always have a way of letting these things out. Convinced that his childhood puppet is a magically animated killer, will Jamie be able to save his friends from a blood body count or is he the one who is actually crazy?”

This low budget comedy horror got stalled in the stall for some time over creative and legal obstacles. (I have that same problem with my garbage man, I mean, “Waste Management Administrator.”) Once it goes through one more wringer (indie filmfest circuit), you might actually get to see if the oddly titled Puppet Killer was worth the wait.

Drunk Aquaman, Fake Frankenstein, Godzilla Fashion

This has got to be one of the coolest Godzilla shirts going: “Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.” That immortal — and unsettling — phrase, of course, came from J. Robert Oppenheimer, father of the atomic bomb. (He’d always have a back-up job as a fireworks designer should we ever run out of the need for Earth-splitting explosives.)

During a televised interview in 1965 after one of his ka-BOOMS was first tested, Oppenheimer uttered the chilling words, “Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.” (It should be noted he looked sad when he said it.) Also, he was quoting the 1944 Prabhavananda and Isherwood translation of Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad Gita. (I totally knew that.)

That said, time to scrape together some bit coin action and purchase said Godzilla action wear.

Speaking of things that could go off in your face, here are a few upcoming horror, sci-fi and fantasy movies that may or may not blow up the box office…

SIMPLE CREATURE (July 11, 2017)
A college student gets into a near-fatal bus accident, but instead of dying, she is reborn through hybrid technology by her biotech father and his advanced lab.

Um, Mary Shelley, author of Frankenstein (1818), might wanna have a few words with you about this “plot” of yours.

MAN UNDERGROUND (July 14, 2017)
“A reclusive conspiracy theorist enlists people from his small town to help him make a low-budget movie about his experience encountering aliens while working as a geologist for the US government.”

I’ve never encountered an alien — YET. But WHEN I DO, I won’t be making a movie about it. Rather, I will beg them to get me off this toilet Earth and to do it without any of that probing they’re infamous for. (Or as we call it here, a “Texas Handshake.”)

AQUAMAN (December 21, 2018)
“Aquaman finds himself caught between a surface world that ravages the sea and the underwater Atlanteans who are ready to revolt.”

Simply cannot wait for this one. Not only does it feature Aquaman looking totally badass (he also drinks booze straight from the bottle — no sippy cup for this superhero), he’s joined by the stunningly gorgeous Mera, Queen of Atlantis and Black Manta, an underwater criminal who hates Aquaman and his groundbreaking cannonball techniques.

PACIFIC RIM: UPRISING (February 23, 2018)
No word on the plot, but one might guess those defeated Kaiju (giant monsters) in Pacific Rim (2013) that came out of an interdimensional portal on the bottom of the Pacific Ocean want a re-match.

Their opponents, of course, are man-made Jaegers (giant mecha robots) controlled by two pilots whose minds swap spit in the mental shower. Very much looking forward to some supersized slobber knockers being traded on a city-leveling scale. That’d be pretty neat if the Jaegers were all wearing that Godzilla shirt.

Ultra Pants

Do you ever take time to stop what you’re doing during a busy day and wonder just who the heck Ultraman is? I do all the time, usually while driving on the freeway. Can’t help it. As the iconic Japanese super crusader who wears a shockingly revealing uniform goes, Ultraman, around since 1966, became a pop culture phenomenon over the course of 40 TV shows and 29 movies, and remains a hugely bankable puncher of giant monsters.

Yeah, there’s more than one Ultraman – a legion, in fact – going through countless redesigns, upgrades, tighter super britches… But by and large, whoever is calling themselves an Ultraman these days walks in big shoes. Very big shoes, as Ultramen can grow or “enlarge” tall enough to look into the 20th floor Yokohama Landmark Tower.

A bit of ultra education: Ultraman is the story of a series of “Ultra-heroes” that arrive on Earth to fight giant, evil monsters set on destroying the world. Each Ultraman can grow to over 200 feet tall, and employs a variety of energy emission powers, as well as kick ass, hand-to-hand martial arts fighting styles. (I could totally be an Ultraman as I have a variety of energy emission powers if I’ve been eating at Taco Bell™.)

Ultraman Ginga S: Decisive Battle! Ultra 10 Warriors!! came out in 2015. But thanks to Tsuburaya Productions, Ultraman X is scheduled for the big screen in the Spring of 2016. Not sure if the new trailer that just showed up online is from that movie. Really hope it is, though; Ultraman – all skinny, red and silvery – does a downtown fist-y battle with a horned kaiju that looks like a second-stringer from Pacific Rim (2013).

That people-filled buildings are ground into the ground, isn’t the disturbing part. It’s the slow pan up between Ultraman’s legs that has you averting your gaze. Note to filmmakers: How about a little less “ultra” in the super-tight tights area – kids are watching this thing.