Mars Attacks Halloween, Humanist Vampire, Science Date

Spirit Halloween™ might have just won Halloween 2023 with the release of a 6’5” Martian Warrior Animatronic you can put on your front lawn to scare trick-or-treaters off said Kentucky blue grass. That’s the good news. The bad news is, it’ll likely get stolen it’s so cool.

Here’s the product description — as if one is needed: “Earthlings beware – the first-ever life-size animatronic from Mars Attacks (1996) is flying into Spirit Halloween™ this season. Straight from the cult-classic Topps™ trading card series, the exclusive, officially-licensed Martian Warrior Animatronic will make any house look like it’s under an alien attack this Halloween. Standing at 6’5”, the Martian Warrior Animatronic comes to life with side-to-side movements of its signature enlarged head and an intergalactic space weapon that shoots mist to remind foes that it does not come in peace. Once he comes to life with his side-to-side head movement you better make sure you’re not in his cross-hairs or you might get zapped!”

The must-have Mars Attacks Martian Warrior Animatronic retails for $399.99 space bucks, which is reasonable on any planet. It’s on sale now at SpiritHalloween.com, so you might wanna grab it now by clicking this. And while you’re doing that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not keep trick-or-treaters off your lawn…

BAD THINGS / August 18, 2023 (AMC+™, Shudder™)

When a group of friends escape the city to spend the weekend in an abandoned hotel, a pervading eerie energy begins to illuminate the cracks in their little family unit. Ruthie Nodd inherits the hotel from her grandmother and with bad childhood memories threatening to burst to the surface, Ruthie wants to sell the hotel and never return. But her partner Cal drags her there in the hopes of returning it to its former glory. They are joined by their amiable friend Maddie and mysterious grifter Fran, whose unhinged seduction threatens to drive a wedge between the couple. As the friends dance, cook, flirt, and fight up and down the halls of the hotel, they begin to find themselves indelibly entwined in the hotel’s seductive embrace and start doing bad things to each other.”

They had me at unhinged seduction. They had me again at doing bad things to each other. 

HUMANIST VAMPIRE SEEKING CONSENTING SUICIDAL PERSON / September 2023 (VOD)

“Sasha, a young vampire, is too sensitive to kill people for blood, and finds a depressed young man willing to help with her problem. Two self-destructive teenagers, a vampire and a depressed teenager with no social skills, who are desperate to find their place in the world.”

I hereby nominate Humanist Vampire Seeking Consenting Suicidal Person as the movie title of the year. 

STAG / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An estranged friend invites Jenny to her bachelorette party, years after the two had a serious falling out. Amanda – the bride-to-be – felt betrayed in some way by Jenny, so much so that it ended their friendship…until now. However, when Jenny arrives at the party, she finds it to be hosted by two wealthy sisters: Amanda’s new best friends. While their animosity towards Jenny seems warranted at first, it soon becomes clear that something more ominous is afoot.”

Ominous is a foot? I thought it was more like a leg. 

PSYCHO SCIENCE / Pending crowdfunding 2023 (DVD, VOD)

“Mandy and Candy, two disenchanted girls fed up with the dating scene, find hope when their brilliant friend Simon unveils a groundbreaking invention. Simon’s creation has the power to materialize anything from pictures alone. Intrigued, the trio decides to use the invention to craft their ideal man, setting off a chain of unpredictable events. Reminiscent of the nostalgic ’80s classic Weird Science, blended with elements of horror, comedy, and a dash of slasher flair, Psycho Science promises an uproarious and chilling roller coaster that will captivate fans of multiple genres.”

In Weird Science (1985), two horny high school nerds create a super hot virtual woman using a computer, infusing her with everything they can conceive to make the perfect dream woman. My computer doesn’t do that. Crap.

Sleeping With Zombies, Underwear Sharks, Demon Babies

In the 1978 zombie game changer Dawn of the Dead, a few humans hole up in a shopping mall to ride out the chewable apocalypse. Two of said humans are what remains of a SWAT team. Life in the mall is sweet — until zombies drop in for a bite. Roger “Trooper” DeMarco, one of the loose cannon SWAT guys, gets careless and ends up bitten by one of the germ-infected undead, and slowly turns into one of the gang. The scene of him lying in a mall-provided bed about to die and then un-die, is one of Dawn of the Dead’s most iconic moments. And now, thanks to Trick or Treat Studios™, you can get that moment immortalized as a pillow pal prop.

From Trick or Treat Studios™ and Radar Licensing’s™ product description: “We are proud to present the official Dawn of the Dead Roger Pillow Pal Prop from George A Romero’s classic zombie film, Dawn of the Dead. This beautifully sculpted prop is an amazing recreation of Roger as he turns into a zombie in one of the most famous scenes in zombie cinema. The Roger Pillow Pal comes with a pillow that Roger is attached to via Velcro so you place Roger in your own bed!”

Simply put, your horror life will not be complete until you have a zombie Roger Pillow Pal next to you every night. And at $79.99, it’s a small price to pay to be fulfilled. So while you rush over to NightmareToys.com to get on (buy it now), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as sweet as living in a shopping mall…

WAR OF THE WORLDS: THE ATTACK / November, 2023 (Theaters)

“Three young astronomers tracking a meteorite crashing into Earth discover they are at the epicenter of a Martian invasion.”

Kinda racist to assume the invasion was started by Martians. Maybe its those extraterrestrials from Uranus. I hear they’re a bunch of…a**holes. Heh. 

BIG SHARK / April 2, 2023 (VOD)

“Three firefighters must save New Orleans from a shark attack.”

The trailer for this one is an understatement of confusing, being part boxing movie, part shark attack and part underwear commercial. The shark part is cool and I suppose we could always use new underwear, especially after you fill ’em while watching the extra-extra-large Carcharodon carcharias jump out of the water and chomp on land dwellers. Maybe the boxing part is to show how they’re gonna battle the shark — with a stiff uppercut. In these terms, maybe Big Shark isn’t that confusing at all.

WINTERTIDE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Beth, a volunteer watch person of an isolated northern city battles a plague of depression that transforms the few remaining residents into empty, zombie-like automatons. She discovers that by entering an alternative dimension through her own dreams, she’s able to stave off the illness during the long, possibly endless winter. But will her power be enough to sustain her?”

Alternative dimension = drinking. It’s not science, people.

NIGHTMARE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Mona moves into a big apartment in an old building with her boyfriend Robby, who has just landed his dream job, and soon falls pregnant with their first child. She is plagued by bad dreams, and when the new-born baby next door dies, her crippling nightmares intensify — night after night, the same demon attacks her in her sleep. Mona begins to believe that the creature is very real and that it is seeking to enter our world through her unborn child. Soon she will realize that not all nightmares are over when you wake up.”

All newborns are angels, but eventually turn into demons…and stay that way until they turn 18 and you kick ’em out of the house.