Malevolent Mermaids, Demonic Orphans, Evil Clams

Intrigued and bemused at the trailer for the upcoming superhero movie, Captain Marvel, premiering March 8, 2019, probably on some sort of movie screen. First, the plot: “Carol Danvers becomes one of the universe’s most powerful heroes when Earth is caught in the middle of a galactic war between two alien races.”

Cool that a woman has been cast as Captain Marvel. But as the word “captain” has been mostly used to rank men with that prefix, the title seems odd. (And yes, I know women have been and will always be captains. They’re probably better suited to captainize; just look at the hot mess that was Captain Ahab in Moby Dick/1851; that guy should never be allowed anywhere near a commanding post/harpoon.)

The trailer for Captain Marvel looks pretty cool and seems to deliver the superhero goods. So while we enthusiastically welcome this latest captain, here are a few now available horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth saluting…

MERMAID’S SONG (available now)
“Charlotte is coming of age during the 1930s depression, and along with her sisters, is struggling to keep the family business afloat. When gangster Randall offers to pay off the family debt, he demands some illegal changes to the business. But Charlotte, like her mother before her, is a mermaid capable of controlling humans with nothing but her voice, which creates a battle between all of those who want Charlotte’s magical powers for themselves.”

They had criminals way back in the 1930s? Who knew? And for the record, women — mermaids or not — have always been able to control guys with their voice. It’s called “nagging.”

HIDE IN THE LIGHT (available now)
“Siblings Kate and Todd lead a group of ‘Urban Explorers’ who amuse themselves breaking into places and exploring what society has left behind. When the group dares to break into the town’s abandoned orphanage, they quickly find themselves trapped inside the building. While fighting for their lives, they will realize that one of the deceased orphans and her demonic friend lurk within the shadows, thirsty for new blood.”

Why would deceased orphans have demonic friends? That’s like ordering a beer with a shot of lower shelf whiskey. And if Kate and Todd wanna see what society has left behind, they can break into my apartment. They’ll find me on the couch drinking a beer with a shot of lower shelf whiskey.

CALLING ALL EARTHLINGS (available now)
“A 1950’s Howard Hughes employee-confidante, George Van Tassel, uses alleged alien guidance and Nikola Tesla’s ideas to build a time machine — The Integratron. Is he deluded, or could it actually work? As waves of devotees join him in the California desert, the FBI gets involved fearing insurrection and possibly more. Nearing completion, Van Tassel’s tale and The Integratron meet an unexpected end: the ‘workings’ of the dome finally emerge. The unusual story is told by historians, astronomers and current residents of Joshua Tree, including the stewards of the Integratron, the Karl Sisters, and a galaxy of believers and skeptics alike.”

Word among the abducted is that this is a documentary. That’s like a movie based on real stuff. Gotta say, The Integratron is a slick name for a time machine. The best I could come up with is “1973 Chevy Nova”.

BLACK WAKE (available now)
“A series of deaths along the ocean is baffling scientists. As a detective discovers the crazed writings of a mysterious homeless man, one scientist realizes the threat may be an ancient force hell-bent on bringing madness to humanity.”

Again with the ancient forces. What bug crawled up their ass and died? Wonder if those forces are freshness-expired evil clams causing everybody to get anaphylaxis…

Parentless Ghosts

In need of a job, Ana is young, pregnant and hired to clean up after a bunch of runny-nose orphans at a huge orphanage where they manufacture orphans. The “school” for abandoned WWII kids is empty for the summer, but the place is a stink hole, so she takes the gig, knowing it’s better than working for Kinkos™ and hoping it’ll get her mind off the fact her former employers raped and beat her.

Two people remain in the cavernous orphanage: an old lady who serves as the school’s cook/doctor (what can’t be healed goes in the pot) and a “disturbed” young gal whose mind is a silverware drawer where none of the silverware matches. A crazy chick practically alone in a spooky old building? Hell, the only thing missing is me, a bottle of Jager™ and a roll of paper towels.

But something’s not right in the building besides Ana’s roommate’s sense of reality. Noises, voices, spectral farting. (OK, that one was really just part of my wish list). Ana was warned about the scary children. Now we’re getting somewhere. Previously brought to the school by the bus load, about 300 war-wounded kids turned up in various stages of bleeding. With only one doctor and a nurse, let’s just say some of ’em didn’t need a doctor bill at the end of the day.

Determined to find out who or what the scary children are, Ana and demento chick go into the big bathroom where there hangs a big mirror, which conceals a big mystery. Ana chucks a flashlight through the glass and damn if there isn’t another room back there. And hey – there’s a service elevator just big enough for her to crawl in. Yeah, that’s what I’d do in a haunted house – squeeze into an elevator that hasn’t been used for years and throw the switch. Why doesn’t Casper just come right out of the wall and push me down the shaft?

The elevator goes screaming down for what seems like three commercial breaks. When it opens, Ana discovers the hospital wing of the orphanage. It’s all painted an eerie white and lit up like a Christmas barbershop. Uh, oh – somebody’s about to go into labor. Good timing…something is down there with her. But what could it be?

House of Voices (aka Saint Ange, 2004) is a pretty darn creepy and atmospheric flick, but the story takes freakin’ forever to get where its going. A couple of nice distractions: Ana’s boobs. While this movie does not end on a happy note, I think I tracked down that cool crazy chick on Facebook™.