Archive for galaxy

The Scare of Scarecrows, Peaks of Twin, The Fiction of Science

Posted in Bigfoot, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 8, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Biofoot

Happened across an article on the conservation.com that explored how the search for mythical monsters can help conversation in the real world. [click HERE]

Seems to me the article was written in reverse. But I digress. The news piece goes on to say that “since 1993, more than 400 new mammals have been identified, many in areas undergoing rapid habitat destruction. The number of undescribed beetles, for example, or flies, let alone microscopic organisms, will be huge.”

So by looking for Bigfoot, you might actually find an entirely undiscovered species, kinda like what is growing in moldy refrigerators and/or public sleeping bags.

Speaking of hopefully finding something new and interesting that could eat your flesh and/or cure elbow herpes, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not tweak yer pique…

The Cropsey Incident

THE CROPSEY INCIDENT (available now/VOD)
“Activists venture deep into the woods to investigate gruesome ritual murders. They come face to face with something far more deadly than any serial killer.”

We first heard of groundskeeper Cropsey back in The Burning/1981 after he was BBQ’d during a summer camp prank gone oops. He came out of it a bit on the well done side, but made sure those kids with matches and gasoline weren’t coming back the following — or any — year. Then we got a reintroduction to Cropsey in 2010 after a self-titled “documentary” was released, detailing “two filmmakers investigate the disappearance of five children and the real bogeyman linked to them.” Now Cropsey is back, this time looking like a an oily scarecrow and doing to people what serial killers are paid to do. Wish they’d give him a name that doesn’t sound like a discount haircut, though.

The Valley

THE VALLEY (available now/Shudder/SVOD)
This supernatural German series begins with the Twin Peaks-ian discovery of a tiara-crowned teen corpse. But there’s a twist: Sophia’s not dead…yet. When she does meet her maker, the amnesiac who found her body realizes he must figure out who killed her in order to unlock his own identity. But solving these mysteries won’t be easy. This valley is filled with secrets, plus a ghost girl, a snail-loving psychic and a bogeyman who lurks in the shadows.

They had me at snail-loving psychic. These foreign, horror mini series on Shudder™ are pretty good, the French made The Returned (2015) being a standout. This one is on every Thursday, but let ‘em pile up so as to binge watch and not have to lose track of the storyline, which is always in subtitles and/or foreign beer speak not as yet mastered by said uneducated slapping bologna flapper.

Anti Matter

ANTI MATTER (September 8, 2017/VOD)
“Ana, an Oxford Ph.D. student finds herself unable to build new memories following an experiment to generate and travel through a wormhole. The story follows her increasingly desperate efforts to understand what happened and to find out who — or what — is behind the rising horror in her life.”

I’ve always wanted to travel through a wormhole. Think of the scientific possibilities — you could be watching a horror movie, hit pause, jump in the wormhole that leads to a 7-Eleven™ on the other side of the galaxy, grab a sixer, and be back in time to crack an icy space beer and continue on with your TV viewing experience, all without having to fire up the ’ol Chitttychittybangbang.

Blood Honey

BLOOD HONEY (2017)
Jenibel Heath returns to her family’s secluded island lodge to help her siblings care for their dying father, 10 years after the mysterious suicide of her mother. Set to inherit the bulk of the family’s estate, Jenibel learns of a horrific plot against her and finds herself stuck in a life-threatening nightmare, where she must struggle to survive.”

Red flags go up when they change the movie title, the first being The Hive and now to the admittedly better Blood Honey. As for the plot against Jenibel as she’s set to inherit the bulk of the family’s estate, when doesn’t that happen between siblings? Heck, I’m planning my takeover strategy as we speak.

Sex Spaceships, Spectacular Storms and Socks

Posted in Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 11, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Space Babes From Outer Space

Another thing to put on the “probably shouldn’t that do anymore” list: eat hard-boiled eggs while watching Alien (1979). I did and now firmly believe there’s a living organism growing in my inner recycling bin. This sucks as I used to like hard-boiled eggs, even the ones that explode all over your mouth and burn your lips.

Speaking of non-digestible horror, here’s a few upcoming — and hopefully palatable — flicks headed in your general direction…

SPACE BABES FROM OUTER SPACE (March 13, 2017)
“Three women from a faraway galaxy come to Earth in search of sexual energy to fuel their ship. With the help of a lonely farm boy, they attempt to harness enough sexual arousal to return to their home planet, all while evading their enemies, the bloodthirsty Scrotes!”

A spaceship fueled by sexual energy. After it runs out of power, the ship will need 10 hours of sleep and a huge bowl of Wheaties™. Then a nap followed by watching TV.

Johnny Gruesome

JOHNNY GRUESOME (in production)
“Johnny Grissom, a murdered high school student, returns from the grave for revenge.”

Now there’s a plot you can hang your boredom on. Johnny G. now joins the ranks of the other one million “return from the grave for revenge” movies clogging up the horror pantheon. (Sorry — word of the day calendar.)

Crust

CRUST (production pending crowd-funding)
“A burned out former child star who has hit rock bottom ends up working in a laundromat where he collects all the lost socks. One night he cries into the pile of socks and a bloodthirsty sock monster is born.”

Pretty lame, although we should be thankful he wasn’t collecting lost underwear.

Geostorm

GEOSTORM (October 21, 2017)
“After an unprecedented series of natural disasters threatened the planet, the world’s leaders came together to create an intricate network of satellites to control the global climate and keep everyone safe. But now, something has gone wrong — the system built to protect the Earth is attacking it, and it’s a race against the clock to uncover the real threat before a worldwide geostorm wipes out everything…and everyone along with it.”

Sounds like a twist on Day After Tomorrow (2004), wherein all the climate-change deny’rs get weather reports stuffed up their bumbershoots. The trailer looks deliciously disastrous: gangs of tornadoes, electrifying lightning, surfable tsunamis, summer snow… All that’s missing is a plot.

Aussie Ghosts, Home Invading Aliens and Vegas Zombies

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Caught

As a change of pace, been watching some classic horror comedies (I totally heart you The Ghost and Mr. Chicken/1966). But the best horror comedy you’ll ever see is coming from the White House. That thing should be a g’damn film studio.

Here’s some upcoming horror films that won’t make you laugh…

CAUGHT (2017)
“While on an afternoon walk with their children, two small town reporters notice the military camped on a hilltop. Debating the possible significance of this activity, they answer their door when two unusual strangers come knocking and find themselves held hostage in their own home.”

Don’t let the bland and uninspired press release put you off; this is an alien home invasion movie. So what could extraterrestrials possibly want from our shelves, cupboards and nightstand drawers? Given their galaxy-known probing procedures, they’re probably look for lube. The director is describing this movie as “alien art house.” Sounds cool, but I have no idea what that means.

Lemon Tree Passage

LEMON TREE PASSAGE (Available now Australia/Russia/2017 U.S.)
“A group of young backpackers in Australia discover that a legendary local ghost tale turns out to be true.”

The trailer looks pretty cool, introducing a bunch of young people to a much shorter lifespan in creative ways. The legend goes that if a car load of disposables travel down Lemon Tree Passage (in the States we call that a “road”) a light follows them. My advice to annoying young people — you can find Lemon Tree Passage on Google Maps™. Go there. Today, if possible. Unfortunately, this movie will be re-titled to the supremely generic/boring Death Passage for its US release.

It Stains Sands Red

IT STAINS THE SANDS RED (2017)
“Following a zombie apocalypse, Molly finds herself lost in the Las Vegas desert with one of the rabid living dead hot on her trail. Although at first she finds it hard to give him the slip, the situation gets even more complicated when the girl realizes that, unlike her pursuer has no physical need to stop and rest.”

Sorry about the art — was unable to find official stuff after 30 seconds of frantic clicking around the web. Interesting premise — a zombie pursing a chick in the desert like he was Jaws: The Revenge (1987), wherein the shark follows Chief Brody’s widow halfway around the world, just to have a nosh with her.

The Sound

THE SOUND (2017)
“Kelly is a writer and a skeptic of the supernatural. As a specialist in acoustic physics she uses low frequency tactile sound-waves to debunk reported paranormal activities for her online blog. When presented a new case of a supposedly haunted subway station Kelly sets off to uncover the truth behind the hoax that involves a 40-year-old unexplained suicide. Her investigation takes her deep into the abandoned station where her skepticism is tested. As Kelly ascends into the depths of the metro’s darkness she is confronted by an unforeseen evil. In the vastness, she must face her own haunted memories to find the truth and surface back into the light.”

How can you be a skeptic of the supernatural with all those ghosts goonin’ out everyone who dares venture into a haunted subway station/7-Eleven™? And while we’re on the subject, why is it ghosts are always of the “unforeseen evil” variety? Are there no more nice ghosts left? (I don’t count Casper the Friendly Ghost as he’s more emo than friendly. Nothin’ worse than a whiny poltergeist.)

The House That Jack Built

THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT (2018)
“Over a span of 12 years, the highly intelligent Jack introduces the murders that define his development as a serial killer. We experience the story from Jack’s point of view, while he postulates each murder is an artwork in itself. As the inevitable police intervention is drawing nearer, he is taking greater and greater risks in his attempt to create the ultimate artwork.”

Gotta love an artist who commits to his craft. Wonder what he uses as his medium? Acrylics? Water colors? Pottery clay? Needle point? The “As Seen On TV” Aero Knife™, the one where nothing sticks to it? (At $19.95, that’s a kick ass bargain. Gotta get me one and see if it makes peanut butter fall to the wayside.)

Renamed Aliens, Social Evil, Fresh Beats

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien: Covenant

Recently had a conversation with my dumpster diving associate behind the Squeezie Mart about the state of horror and sci-fi movies. His position: “Technological advances in the visual arts have broken through the limitations of horror filmmaking, thereby pushing the medium into new territories…” Then he peed his pants to emphasize his point. My thought is I don’t care; I just wanna see things go squish on the big screen.

Anyway, here’s what’s new horror/sci-fi is coming up to make your bladder splatter. Presumably not in public.

ALIEN: COVENANT (May 19, 2017)
Alien: Covenant begins with the colony ship Covenant bound for a remote planet on the far side of the galaxy. The crew discovers what they think is an uncharted paradise, but is actually a dark, dangerous world, whose sole inhabitant is the ‘synthetic’ David, survivor of the doomed Prometheus expedition.”

Back in time — September 24, 2015, to be exact — I blogged that the next sequel in the Alien franchise was gonna be called Prometheus 2. That was the opposite of correct. Then I reported the movie was being retitled to Alien: Paradise Lost. Strike two. Now I find out it’ll be called Alien: Covenant. Not gonna say a word, other than I bet my life savings they’ll change the title again to make me look like a cred-less boob.

The Devil Lives Here

THE DEVIL LIVES HERE (December 13, 2016)
Three friends — Ale, Magu and Jorge — go on a trip to visit their friend Apolo at his family’s farm for a weekend of fun. At the same time, Sebastião and his younger brother Luciano are getting ready to perform the spiritual ritual their family has been tasked with every nine months, for centuries. On the night the two groups meet, they find out that what they thought were scary tales becomes more than real. It is now up to them to prevent evil to be born and take over the world.”

Spiritual ritual. That rhymes somehow. No doubt someone could turn rhymes into a rap song. Not me. No fan of rap here — or kids performing spiritual rituals. But hey, it should be fun to watch ‘em try and keep evil from being born and taking over the world, and then rapping about it against a backdrop of fresh beats.

Hostile

HOSTILE (2017)
“After a worldwide epidemic, most of the planet’s population is killed. Only a few thousand have survived and are struggling to find food and shelter. But they’re not alone: they have to hide from strange creatures that go hunting at night.”

Liked this better when it was called The Last Man on Earth (1964), The Omega Man (1971), and I Am Legend (2007).

Friend Request

FRIEND REQUEST (available now UK) / releasing 2017 / US)
“Laura is one of the most popular girls in her high school, seemingly adored by all. She is then sent a Facebook™ friend request by lonely Marina. Having initially accepted, Laura finds herself being obsessively pursued by Marina and not long afterwards hits the ‘unfriend’ button. When Marina apparently commits suicide in an online video, Laura’s life takes a turn for the terrifying, and she becomes the victim of a supernatural presence, attacked in her own home by a mysterious force. Is Marina responsible? And why does she refuse to disappear from Laura’s friend list, even as it increasingly diminishes in number?”

They forgot a question: who cares? Pointless social media horror has been around for a while. Not sure why; with its limited premise — do we need YET ANOTHER one? [Moviepilot.com lists Megan is Missing/2011, Smiley/2012), Antisocial/2013, The Den/2014, #Horror/2015, Unfriended/2015, and Ratter/2016, as “top” examples. They are wrong — all of ’em suck, because I’m older than social media and I can say things like that.]

Social Media Horror

Sorry, kids, but you can take your social media and cram it down your Facebook™. Back in my day our social media was the telephone — and we used it to call forth horror, i.e., 976-Evil (1988). Crank called satan all the time, we did. No fancy pants digital screen tapping, just pure finger-in-the-hole, rotary dialin’ horror.

976-Evil

Vampires, Lobsters and Dinosaurs

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Horror of the Blood Monsters

The Italian made Horror of the Blood Monsters (1970) might possibly be the all time WTF horror/sci-fi movies ever made. You can start with its numerous re-titlings, from 7 per L’Infinito Contro I Missili Spaziali (translation: 7 For The Infinite Space Against Missiles), to Space Mission to the Lost Planet, Vampire Men of the Lost Planet and The Flesh Creatures. I honestly can’t decide which one I like best.

Horror of the Blood Monsters

Then there are the movie’s “everything but the kitchen sink” elements: vampires, cavemen, dinosaurs, UFOs, space rockets, lobster people, flying bat people, snake men, missiles, spears, lasers, bow and arrows, hatchets, supermodel cave girls and the highly-convincing (ahem) Spectrum radiation that keeps turning the “atmosphere” from orange to green. Yep, you guessed it – Horror of the Blood Monsters is actually a Grateful Dead hippie drug party.

Horror of the Blood Monsters

The movie begins with gangs of vampires attacking citizens at night, sucking their blood or “sangue” from throats as if artificially-flavored cherry milkshakes. Then the movie abruptly shifts to outer space and a mission to a distant galaxy to discover the source of the vampire plague being a pain in the neck to us Earthers.

Horror of the Blood Monsters

A shiny spinning UFO mothership dispatches a smaller less shiny UFO landing party to the mysterious planet below. And it’s here they find an ongoing war between vampire cavemen with candy cigarette sized/shaped fangs violently beating and stabbing a non-vampire tribe.

Horror of the Blood Monsters

Everyone wears animal skins for performance boxer briefs (or “britches”) except for a super hot cave chick sporting an off-the-rack open shoulder ensemble with matching panties or “smoothing hi-cut briefs.” Meanwhile, up in space, rocket ships and the UFOs are shooting armed missiles at each other. I don’t know why.

Horror of the Blood Monsters

Watched this one without sub-titles (free on YouTube™) and was unable to learn the entire Italian language during its 80 minute running time. Figured it couldn’t be that hard. But as supremely dumb as this movie is (the cavemen fight scenes were spliced in, taken from the 1965 Filipino movie, Tagani and other monster stock footage was also wedged in there), you can’t help but entertained by the lobster people with pain-inflicting pinchers and the mini bat people that live in caves and fly right at your face when you spelunk their caves.

Horror of the Blood Monsters

Repeating scenes of the spaceships exploding and then reversing the footage to re-use again and again kinda wears you out. So does waiting for the hot cave chick to remove her top because it’s so hot on that irradiated planet. And was the mission to find out the source of the blood plague (brought to Earth by the Tubaton, vampire men from a distant galaxy) a success? For our sake I’d like to think yes. But man, I just don’t know.

Alcoholic Alien

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 27, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Man Who Fell To Earth

Thomas Jerome Newton is a humanoid alien from a distant planet. It’s oddly comforting to know that even on other worlds, having a first, last and middle name is a universal rule.

The Man Who Fell To Earth

Mercurial rock icon David Bowie plays Thomas, the bald alien with cat pupils. He was the perfect choice for this sci-fi pic as Bowie IS an alien. So he comes to Earth looking for water as his home planet is as dried up as the condoms in my bathroom.

The Man Who Fell To Earth

His wife and kid on Planet Dust are thirstier than all get out, but they have to wait while Thomas makes millions off his electronic inventions so that he can afford to build a spaceship and bring mom and offspring some Space Kool-Aid™. Not sure why he simply didn’t bring ’em along and drop ’em off at the pool.

The Man Who Fell To Earth

While on this planet, Thomas gets himself a “goes all the way” girlfriend. (What happens on Earth, stays on Earth.) He also goes all the way into TV, personal firearms and other great trappings about this planet. But his new friends, like every human, can be bribed, which the government does to get the inside scoop on this effeminate extraterrestrial.

The Man Who Fell To Earth

They strap him to a chair and subject him to painful probing experiments. During the course of these “finger exams,” Thomas becomes a full-blown alcoholic. (Wouldn’t you? Earth hooch is so darn tasty.) And because of his earth-condition, he can never go back to his parched family. Time to drink the grief away.

Bowie is totally convincing as an alien in The Man Who Fell To Earth (1976), probably because he’s from outer freakin’ space. And his 1969 “Space Oddity,” a song about going face first into the galaxy and not coming back – those lyrics are for real, man.