Undertaker – A Zombie Undertaking

When it comes to the billions of zombie movies of late, the formula of virus turns the living into the living dead and has them eating from your bread basket, is the construct few filmmakers are willing to stray from. This is why those filmmakers and their product suck entrails. But with the release of Undertaker, a new Japanese undead flick, we may just get a break from all the cash-in cookie cutting going on in the zombie movie universe.

What looks to set Undertaker apart from the living dead bandwagoneers is that it focuses on a different aspect of eating people butt meat. Specifically, when some has been turned into a zombie or “returner,” a hired specialist is called in to make dead once again family members or loved ones that would just as soon turn your neck into a sandwich.

So this solemn guy wanders the city that’s been turned into a stinky ghost town by the zombification, hunting down the walking dead, armed only with a customized shovel and a body bag. As the movie’s press release states, “He goes anywhere, taking care of walking dead for clients. And a client could be anyone – the parent, the lover, the best friend – of the returner. Or maybe someone who hated the returner so much while the returner was living.” I do like that last part.

So expect Undertaker (releasing in 2012) to portray a more human side to the inhuman aspect of flesh-eating.

FYI: Undertaker stars Yoshito Kobashigawa, Shinta Souma, Yuina Kumakura, Usagi Ohyama, Tetsuyuki Wakabayashi, Setsuko Kawaguchi, Tomoka Asano and Sakae Yamaura, none of whose names you can accurately pronounce. So, like, don’t even try.

Werewolves In Space

Here’s one to put in the awesome pile – a werewolf movie set in…OUTER SPACE! I could cry with happiness. Steel Moon, scheduled for release in 2013 (if the world doesn’t blow up thanks to those doomsayin’ Mayans), puts a werewolf in a luxury hotel orbiting Earth. I almost can’t type these words as I’m shaking with inner and outer glee.

The space hotel is just about to open and it’s already rated seven stars by Expedia.com. Amenities include spectacular views of 4.5 billion back yards, anti-gravity concierge, valet service for your rocket, and air. That’s the good news for the space guests. The bad news is an ancient contagion is brought to the party. Before you can say room service, this germ turns someone into a werenaut. And the rest of the movie writes itself. (The movie’s kicker line is “In space the moon is always full” – freakin’ brilliant.)

Screw Vegas – I’m vacationing in outer space.

For Goodness Snakes – Piranhaconda!

Piranhaconda, the latest monster mash served covered in cheese, arrives on the literary awarded SyFy Channel™ on Sunday, June 16, 2012. The featured creature is half piranha and half anaconda (on its mother’s side), and whose sole reason for existing is to rake in cash and to eat girls in bikinis. That sounds a heckuva lot like my “things to do” list.

Piranhaconda is latest addition to the top of new paradigm food chain that includes hybrid brethren Dinocroc (2004), Supergator (2007), Mega Shark and his soulmate Giant Octopus (2009), Mega Piranha (2010), and Sharktopus (2010). And like its genetic oopsies, piranhaconda, the size of a subway train (including first and coach classes), has to eat humans in order to maintain his raging caloric requirements. Sucks to be people.

Made by Roger Corman, the king of craptacular made-on-the-ultra-cheap B-movies, actually outdid himself with Piranhaconda; This one is C-grade. The plot, as well as the monster itself, was brainstormed in less than five minutes: The part piranha and part anaconda attacks a movie crew on location near her nest when her egg is stolen. Now they must outrun and kill the deadly piranhaconda as well as stop the mad scientist who stole the egg – before they all become dinner.

Pure discount genius.

Piranhaconda stars Rachel Hunter, former supermodel and wife of Rod Stewart, a hybrid himself. (His famous tousled hair is a cross between a ’70s shag rug and a bird’s nest.) Until I saw the trailer for Piranhaconda, I was reminded that Ms. Hunter is still quite the delectable treat she’s always been. Time to add another entry to my “to do” list.

Scream Park

Scream Park is a killer name (literally) for an amusement park. But it’s not a real park filled with screaming little sh*ts, over-priced cotton candy and long lines to ride the Vominator roller coaster. It is, however, the title of a new retro style ’80s horror film about an amusement park closing for the last time. (A description, which thankfully doesn’t mention anything about the outrageous high price of carnival grade hot dogs.)

Self-described as a throwback to slasher films of the Eighties, Scream Park stars Dog Bradley, aka Hellraiser’s Pinhead. (When you think about it, Pinhead, with all those nails sticking out of his head, could be one of the park’s game attractions. Think ring toss with skinless stuffed novelty animals as prizes.)

So Scream Park is closing (probably to make way for a Starbucks™ coffee shop whose breakfast rolls (cinnamon buns) run you a reasonable $1.99). In order to pump up the sales for a grand up yours to the community that should’ve been supporting them, the park’s owner (Pinhead) hires a couple of killers to commit gruesome murders in the park as a publicity stunt to sell tickets. (Sure murder is not cool, but I’d be the first one in line.)

But in a genius move, the victims are the theme park’s actual employees. This accomplishes two things. First, you ensure money keeps coming in (you don’t wanna kill the hand that feeds you). Secondly, with the park closing, you won’t have to pay out final wages and unemployment benefits. Brilliant, I tell you.

Scream Park started out getting funding on Kickstarter.com and not only reached their modest goal of $5,000, but doubled it by the time the digital begging ran its course for a 2012 release. Attribute this Pinhead, who has endless appeal, as an actor, hedonist, enigmatic Cenobite, and human ring toss.

The Most Violent Werewolf Movie Ever Made

In pre-production as of this writing, Autumn Moon, a new indie horror movie, promises to be “the most violent werewolf movie ever made.” This makes me so happy for two reasons: I’m a big fan of werewolves, and outside of a few aggressive behavioral moments, most lycanthropic movies of late have been all bark and no bite. (I’m looking in your direction The Wolfman remake.)

So what does the werewolf in Autumn Moon do to live up to this bold statement? Spits wolf juice on you…texts you insults…publicly mocks your eco-concerns…questions your sexual orientation. Actually, I don’t know for sure. But by nature it needs to include a LOT of blood gone wild. Here’s the plot…

“Pulp writer Michael Renee Allen thought the house on the edge of the woods would be the perfect place to write his next novel. He soon finds that the forest has more to offer than just fresh air and a nice view. Something unspeakable is stalking the forest. A cunning force of pure evil that hunts by night, painting the forest with blood.”

Painting the forest with blood. Awesome line. That’s right up there with “I’ll kill you with one punch to your stupid head.”

Hope Autumn Moon is better than the teaser art. Looks like somebody just learned Photoshop and has about three fonts in his/her arsenal. The most violent werewolf movie ever made needs to be represented by a lot more tooth, fang and claw. And better fonts.

The Zombinator

The Zombinator, using The Terminator (1984) as it’s business model, is a budget challenged and script-less movie shot in four and a half days. (Wonder what they did with the remaining half?) It’s about college students facing off (with some having their faces chewed off – heh) with zombies in Youngstown, Ohio. That place sounds real, but it I bet it doesn’t even exist. In order to survive, they turn to a former soldier who now makes his living as a zombie killer. And to jazz things up with guns, there’s also an antagonist in the form of The Colonel, a mercenary working for an evil corporation who developed a serum that caused all this zombie hoo-haw.

I can see why they didn’t need a script. Or budget.

Zombies and guns go together like fruit and yoghurt, all of which are easy to find in the supermarket. (You might have to go to the mall to find zombies, though.) Just find an abandoned warehouse to stage the action, borrow a M16A2 standard issue rifle from your mom, and then round up a bunch of zombies to shoot in the face until fruit-filled yoghurt leaks out of primary orifices. But don’t use real bullets – leave that to the experts you see on evening news reports.

The Zombinator comes out sometime in 2012 in case any of this sounds interesting to you. I might see it as yoghurt is really good for you. I think they put vitamins in it or something. That makes vitamins cool.

Thankskilling II: Back For Seconds

Why did the turkey cross the road? To kill you in half. I don’t care how many times I hear that joke, it still cracks me up!

And speaking of turkeys, Thankskilling II arrives right in time (November, 2012) for that non-holiday where we stuff our necks to the gills, verbally punch family members in the face and later lay comatose on the couch in a tryptophan stupor and farting like the horns of humanity while watching football.

Thankskilling II is the sequel to Thankskilling, a budget-less horror comedy about a joke-making homicidal turkey. It came out in 2009, in case you’re writing this down. And it goes a little something like this: College kids are murdered pun-by-pun as Turkie brings mayhem to Thanksgiving break.

That’s pretty much the same plot as Thankskilling, except for one small difference – the new one takes place in outer space. (“In space, no one can hear you baste.” Priceless.)

If you haven’t seen it, here’s how Thankskilling went down: Six college students on Thanksgiving break are forced to camp overnight when their vehicular conks out, and are attacked by a fowl-mouthed (heh), cigar smoking turkey. That’s pretty much it. Shot on a budget that wouldn’t even pay for a turkey TV dinner, Thankskilling is played for bargain basement laughs, a bit of blood, and a few ruffled feathers (heh).

Created by one who dabbled in black magic (is there any other kind?) right after the first Thanksgiving dinner in 1621, the bad bird remained buried under a talisman until a modern day dog peed on its grave and resurrected him. (A nod to Freddy Krueger in more ways than one.) Heads get split, guts get sliced, jokes get cracked. And there’s even a bit ’o turkey sex. (Non-explicit, thankfully.)

You wanna run right out and buy/rent/watch/download Thankskilling right now, don’t you. I can tell.

Turkie joins other holiday icons that have been re-purposed into slasher serial killers: Santa Claus, Easter bunny, leprechauns, pumpkins, killer moms, killer dads, those who celebrate Valentine’s Day with a pick axe… That leaves the groundhog in Groundhog’s Day to wreak furry, finger-gnawing havoc upon the surface dwellers. I have an affordable script if anyone’s interested.

Lights, Camera, Ghost!

“It wasn’t until 2010, when paranormal activity investigators confirmed the presence of paranormal activity in the studio, that film director Alin Bijan began to think he might have the makings of a fantastic horror film…”

A statement taken from the press release of Ghost of Goodnight Lane, a new indie gosh dang spooky movie coming out sometime soon whenever. Yeah, I’m sounding a little snarky here. But red flags start going up whenever I hear the words “paranormal activity investigators.” These are the types of clowns who can turn a floating speck of dust into a full-blown spectral event. A door shutting on its own? A ghost wanting a little privacy. Shifting shadows? High-fiber polter-farts. Point is, a “paranormal investigator” can read into any easily explained anomaly with an exaggerated claim of beyond the veil throw downs. Hey, it’s what cheap reality TV shows and low budget horror is built upon.

So Alin’s Texas production company, Media World Studios, is haunted. “We’ve known for a long time we had a ghost here in the studio,” says Bijan. “Over the years we kept a running log, kind of a diary, to document incidents as they occurred.” (Insert “based on true events” here.) Bijan goes on to say that, “Staff and visitors experienced visions of an unknown man, heavy equipment moving on its own, and even an invisible slap to the face.” I can explain that in three words: swing shift janitor.

But the rest of the press release gets even more red flag-y: A team of investigators found the studio to be “haunted” based on results from field tests and recorded electronic voice phenomena (EVP). Well hey – apparently those Art Institute™ diplomas ARE good for something after all.

And here comes the bag yanker: “A horror film about a haunted movie studio, that’s being shot in the same studio where the story was inspired, immediately creates buzz that cannot be manufactured. We couldn’t resist being involved,” states J. D. Sanders, whose FTG Media Group serves as the new independent film’s executive producer.

You have got to be kidding me. Who is Sanders pitching to – third-graders?

As Bijan conveniently points out, “Pre-production for this film is a little different than most, especially when it comes to scouting for locations. Since this film is based on paranormal incidents here in the same studio, 90% of our film will be shot right here!”

I don’t know about you, but I feel an immediate buzz that cannot be manufactured.

Blood, Boobs and Bikes

Frankenstein Created Bikers. Excellent horror-esque movie title. Man-made monsters riding the metaphoric wrong way down streets on two-wheeled machines of destruction that get good gas mileage, and turn signals a’blazin’.

I have no idea what Frankenstein Created Bikers is about. Don’t care. I’ll go see it just for the title alone. In preproduction as of this writing, the 16mm grindhouse homage promises blood, boobs and bikes. They’re hitting all the sweet spots here.

Frankenstein Created Bikers is made by James Bickert, the same director behind the delightfully greasy Dear God No!, which features The Impalers, an unkempt motorcycle gang that go on a murder spree. (Kind of like a shopping spree, but with a noticeably more violence.) Throw in a demonic creature, a deadly secret in the basement (probably a Japanese-made bike), and “rivers of blood and abundant nudity.” Try and keep yourself from smiling right now.

The Impalers return in Frankenstein Created Bikers to keep the good times rolling. That’s what outlaw bikers do. That, and go on really violent shopping sprees.

Monsters Need Love, Too

It’s like in the Cheap Trick song, “Woke Up With A Monster” (1994) and the lyric, “Went to bed with an angel, woke up with a monster”: A recently dumped dude hangs out with his rowdy buddies and somehow turns into a werewolf. He later runs into a distraught chick about to commit suicide. She’s a vampire. They both chase each other through the park and then get to knockin’ fangs. The next morning, love blooms in the wet spot.

But as in all “opposites attract” love stories, his new trim’s upper-crust vampire clan aren’t down with the social status mash-up. (Ask Malfoy in the Harry Potter movies – it all comes down to mud blood.) Mangled bodies, bloodletting and laughs ensue in Monster Love, a teen horror comedy, due to be released in 2012. (Note: It may already be out. How the mud should I know?)

This Romeo and  Juliet template has been done countless times before with monsters (more recently the Underworld franchise), as in the 2007 werewolf kissy face movie Blood and Chocolate. Living in the Lycanthropy District of Bucharest, a society of werewolves rent apartments, work, drink absinthe and hunt humans. They do that last thing on the down low.

Every first new full moon of the month the werewolves (still in human form) gather in the woods and for a ceremonial dealie, the hunted being a human scum of the earth, a drug dealer in this case. He’s given the chance to retain his life, but only if he makes it to the river before rip, chomp, chew, swallow, burp. The wolves give chase and in artsy fashion, elegantly morphing into wolves – real ones, not goofy werewolves in Bigfoot suits. And since you’re wondering, no one ever makes it to the river. No, not even you.

A supermodel wolf chick catches the eye of an American artist doing a graphic novel (i.e., over-priced comic book) on Loup Garu, or “werewolves.” Of all the tourists in town, she has to meet the ONLY ONE who studies werewolves. The rest of the pack do not like her fraternizing with him as his kind hunt and kill those that hunt and kill. Funny how life imitates art.

The wolves take loverboy to the woods for the “will he make it, bet he won’t” hunting ritual. An unexpected twist happens and a new chase is on, this time involving fire, guns, silver and a whaling harpoon with dynamite duct-taped to the end. OK, I made up that last one, but the showdown is pretty cool.

This is the kind of love story you could show to your girlfriend’s-neighbor’s-sister’s-gynecologist, it’s that romantic.