Jaws is the most famous shark in the world and since 1975 has been a marketing whale, spawning an ocean of tee-shirts, toys, models, modern art, bedding, snacks, beach towels, bathing suits, throw pillows, shower curtains and lunch boxes (filled with human sandwiches, perhaps?), and is ground zero for the hundreds of shark movies water-skiing on his legacy. And thanks to Stern Pinball™, Jaws’ marketing bite radius now extends to themed pinball machines. Yes, that was plural — there are three upcoming Jaws pinball machines. So yeah, three reasons to keep reading.
The sales pitch: “Stern Pinball, Inc.™ announces their newest pinball games featuring Jaws, one of the most iconic motion picture thrillers of all time from Universal Pictures and Amblin Entertainment. Players will experience all four blockbuster Jaws films like never before, with brand-new mechanical features inspired by iconic movie moments and state-of-the-art technology. Jaws pinball games are available in Pro, Premium, and Limited Edition (LE) models.”
“Tension mounts as you see ‘blood in the water’ from our animated lighting effects. Fire pinballs at the motorized ‘Shark Fin’ target swimming across the playfield. Anticipation builds as you navigate the ‘Orca Boat’ upper playfield, featuring a ‘Lookout Tower’ ramp, a ship’s wheel horizontal spinner on the deck, and a ‘Radio” stand-up target to call for help. Lookout — motorized custom sculpted ‘Great White Shark’ bash toy comes crashing through the bottom of a fishing boat, terrorizing players in this thrilling pinball odyssey! In addition to immersive film and audio assets integrated into pinball action, Jaws includes custom speech by actor Richard Dreyfuss and the iconic movie theme music by John Williams.”
Horror movie-themed pinball machines are not new and I’ve covered a few of ’em here. (I seem to be obsessed with horror/sci-fi movie pinball machines, for some reason possibly related to unchaperoned beer consumption and a need to purge my pockets of laundry/tip change). But a Jaws pinball machine fulfills one of several of my pinball wish list entries, which includes Planet of the Apes, Barbarella and Deep Throat. Ahem.
So while we list our family heirlooms on eBay™ to generate enough folding funds to preorder one of the limited-to-1,000 Jaws pinball machines ($6,999 to $12,999 — click this), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your brain tilt…
EVIL SUBLET / Out now (VOD)
“A New York couple that knowingly moves into a haunted apartment because the rent is cheap. But when having murderous ghosts as roommates becomes too much for them, their lives soon depend on escaping the evil of their sublet.”
Having murderous ghosts as roommates might be okay if they pay their share of the rent and label their victim’s leftover corpses in the fridge.
EVERWINTER NIGHT / Out now (VOD)
“Lifelong best friends Maddy and V’s plans for a relaxing vacation are hijacked by Maddy’s college clique. They soon find themselves at a remote ski lodge where a group of mysterious wealthy men throw a celebration, centuries in the making.”
An epic party and I wasn’t invited? Those mysterious wealthy men/vampires are dicks.
DEPARTING SENIORS / February 2, 2024 (VOD)
“Mexican-American and queer, high school student Javier doesn’t exactly fit in with the popular kids. But he might be the only one who can save them. After an act of bullying sends Javier to the hospital, he begins experiencing visions that foresee glimpses of shocking murders at his school right before they happen. Now, in between navigating the social hierarchies and prejudices of clique culture, Javier and his best friend Bianca must try to unmask a serial killer before he strikes again.”
Apparently, serial killers are the least challenging thing about surviving high school.
LONGLEGS / Release pending 2024 (VOD)
“FBI Agent Lee Harker is assigned to an unsolved serial killer case that takes unexpected turns, revealing evidence of the occult. Harker discovers a personal connection to the ruthless killer and must stop him before he strikes again.”
If a serial killer is forced to stop doing his/her job, how is he/she gonna pay the rent? Given a serial killer’s inherent people skills, maybe a career in Human Resources…or the post office.
Drinkin' & Drive-in 