Werewolf By Night fans — lift your Nair™ martinis in unison…Marvel Comics™ is rebooting Werewolf by Night with a brand new red band comic book series. And if you don’t know the reference, red band means explicit content. (I have a birthmark that says that.) This is fantastic news for fans of hyper-graphic gore and the heavy metal enthusiasm it takes to embody said gore.
As reported by Bloody-Digusting.com™, “Labeled with a Parental Advisory and poly-bagged to keep those weak of heart from experiencing its intensity, Werewolf by Night will mark a new chapter in the character’s 50-year storytelling history as Jack gets his claws, fangs, and fur blood-soaked like never before!” Bold statements from the comic book creators promise “a book full of intense action and lots of blood.” Just reading that made my mouth water all over my stylish Old Navy™ shirt.
So while we rewatch the Disney+™ Werewolf By Night movie (black and white/color) and the arrival of Werewolf By Night #1 on August 14, 2024, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stain your Old Navy™ clothing…
REFUGE / April 19, 2024 (Limited Theaters, VOD)
Sergeant Rick Pedroni returns home to his wife changed and dangerous after suffering an attack by a mysterious force during combat in Afghanistan on his tour of duty.”
Probably dysentery.
THE PRIMEVALS / August 7, 2024 (Blu-ray, VOD)
“Deep in the Himalayas, a group of Sherpas subdue and kill a towering humanoid creature. Its remains — including a brain that appears to have undergone some kind of surgery — wind up under the supervision of Dr. Claire Collier, who believes it to be one of the legendary Yeti. Joined by her former student Matt Connor, a longtime believer in the creatures’ existence, big-game hunter Rondo Montana, and others, Dr. Collier leads an expedition into the mountains to track down more of the abominable snowmen. Their trek results in an encounter with a tribe of primitive hominids — which in turn leads to the far more frightening discovery of beings they never could have expected or imagined.”
Couple ‘o things — this project has been in the works for 20 years. The Australian Blu-ray version (Full Moon™ will come out with its own) comes with two different cuts of the stop-motion film and a feature-length documentary, as well as a bunch of extras, none of which includes a coherent plot.
SSSSSTONER SNAKE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)
“Golimar, an alien from the Planet Scumdoggia, happens to have the appearance of a snake. When his ship crash lands on Terra 420, after an altercation with space police, he searches for a way to get back home. During his adventure, Golimar stumbles upon a man smoking marijuana, who blows the smoke in his face. This unfortunately mutates his DNA, which causes him to become a bloodthirsty killer.”
Did the snake-face alien really mutate or was it just the mind-altering effects of the jazz cabbage? In this context, this isn’t a gateway drug — it’s a Stargateway drug.
TEDDISCARE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)
“A young man spirals into insanity after his father’s death. He lapses into childish nightmares that bring his fears to adult life. The mind can be deadly, but toys can be killer.”
My childhood nightmares already came true. Turning 21, I freely forfeited my soul and journeyed into the Tug Tavern, aka, the Seventh Layer of Hell. It’s here after you choke down a freshness-expired hot dog covered in condiments in plastic packs shoplifted from a bowling alley, you make your way to the bathroom. And this is where you’ll hear great sorrow moanings and gnashing of teeth coming from within the toilet stall portal-potties. At this point consider yourself biblically unredeemable.
Drinkin' & Drive-in 